Can we talk about the “BIG HELP" from siblings???

Oh I recognize these stories. Especially how people get used to catering to them cause they don't want to be on their bad side. Very true!

My mom has been gone for five years now but during the time I took care of her I used to shake my head at my one narc sister. She never did anything but when there were care meetings.( I think she attended one.) She came in with her notebook and pen acting like she was in charge. Or the times we called ambulances for my mom she'd be bustling around acting all important. She even flirted with one of the paramedics right in front of her husband while mom was being taken out in very serious condition. Nauseating.

While I know it's all over and I should have moved on and I have mostly. I still think back and get annoyed all over again. But this isn't anything new. My siblings have always treated me with a lack of respect. They all knew I was doing everything for mom and they just couldn't find it in themselves to give me any credit. To them I'll always be the scapegoat. I only see them at Christmas now but I see how they all try to relegate me back to what they are comfortable with which is little sis who they love to put down and treat like crap. The only difference now is I see it and let them know that it hasn't gone unnoticed where in the past I would just never say anything cause I didn't want to rock the boat.
I truly don't care anymore honestly. I don't need them in my life.

I had an "advice-giver" tell me she could not help me because I was making the caregiving "too complicated" and that wasn't her fault. The implied message was that I was trying to make it look like more work than it really was to justify my exhaustion and increasing lack of patience with LO. Advice-giver then gave several suggestions (demands) on how I could streamline things better - of course suggestions were mainly things that I'd already tried and found they did not work. Other suggestions she made were things that would have been nice, but were not things that truly streamlined things much - in fact, several of the things that were supposed to simplify would have only been additional duties for me. She topped it all off with an odd threat that I'd better get on track with things and stop looking for excuses to "dump" LO in a NH. Wow.

Oh yeah I know them! The 'BIG EXPERT ADVICE GIVER' sister that does NOTHING to help her own mom. Just tons of excuses.
But of course THEY know everything. Especially telling you how to do and run things. But of course they are never around to actually do it.

If you are the child who has the health problems, then you will be the one to be saddled with the care of the parent. So beware. Now that I'm looking after my dad, my brother is going to have to help or it's a nursing home. I'm at the point where I don't care who gets offended when I speak the truth.

I have three brothers and a sister and none of them help. My sister gets my Mom for a day or two about every three months and none of my brothers do anything. Well my oldest brother pops in every two months or so. He stays for about 30 minutes or less. So everything is on me when it comes to taking care of OUR mother. Not to mention I am the youngest! Two of my brothers don't even visit and barely call.

I honestly wouldn't be resentful if it was my choice. I was tricked saying I will be doing companion work and that's it. Promises from sisters for days off. We were super were supposed to rotate it and hire a caregiver. I was intimidated into doing it because they knew that they could get away with it because of my personality and dismiss me as being too sensitive or drama starter to make me doubt myself. It was my aggressive sister who backed out and didn't help that suggested that we don't need a caregiver because we are family and should do it together and the one that suggested that it won't be fair that we got paid and suggest exactly how it should be done. Yet this sister was only going to help us at one point as the paid caregiver yet she made such a fuss when I was getting paid. She got her feelings hurt when me and my sister were upset with her trying that and my mom was paying her for little work and I had to pay my grandma for being her live in caregiver.
I had to call them out and speak up to get it to stop. I even bought it up to my grandma who would praise them when she sent my cousin to get me to refill her coffee when I was getting ready for work.

My gradma was not kind but she praised the siblings that didn't help while I got the most criticized and did most of it. The sister that came to bathe her and eventually caught on as a regular thing and came often when she realized she needed it was the only one who did not criticize me. I would try to bathe her when I got home from work but she wanted a morning bath but didn't want to take it early enough so I can leave for work. She wanted to take it right when it was time for me to leave for work and wanted to fill the tub and make it a bubble bath to be difficult on purpose. My sister caught on and started to come and give her a bath. This one never came to me to say grandma said you are not doing it right but the cousin and sister that abandon me would come over and inspect the place. They were supposed to help and there was supposed to be a caregiver but I learned that the sister said it doesn't make sense to hire one since I am living rent free and put it in my grandma's head. They would also give her alcohol and leave and tell me I can't leave because she can't walk on her own since she is drinking. The only breaks I was given was to help my sister and I had to come back after helping her exhausted and grandma scolded me for not going with my sister to her AA meetings when I couldn't even leave but didn't say anything to her other grandchildren

Just tell called them and said I received your lotto ticket but not your reply for help.

We have this also but double barrel we are helping care for my 80 year old mom who is rapidly declining and my husband’s 67 year old brother who is developmentally disabled. Both their behaviors are similar but From different causes.

we took on responsibility for my husband’s brother when his elderly parents could no longer handle him. We took him on while my then 8 year old daughter was undergoing cancer treatment for a brain tumor. We recently lost her to the cancer after a 22 year battle with her cancer.

my husband’s sister lives in Arizona and we have asked her to have her disabled brother come stay with her a few weeks
and give us a break but she says her husband will not put up with that.

my brothers and I are doing ok with my mom after the one brother seems to be helping a little more. Think maybe she would no ask him. I could go on and on there has been so many things going on with my brother in law and my mom. I’m tired and used up.

As my in-laws aged and MIL was 1st to require additional care Husband & I lived about 1 1/2 hours away.  He worked nights driving truck M-F night and was in the Army Reserve so the whole one weekend a month (usually Friday-Sunday) and 2 weeks a year thing was going on. I worked full time days M-F.  We only had Sunday to spend together as a family because by the time DH got home from work and got some sleep Saturday was gone.  In-Law ran a family farm and 3 of their 6 children worked the farm with them.  Two youngest daughters lived in the farm house with MIL & FIL and youngest brother and his wife in a house adjacent to the farm.  Eldest daughter lived less than 1/2 mile around the corner on property that had once been part of the farm.  MIL, FIL & two youngest sisters raised her sons for her.  My mother was alone (Dad had passed) and while still able to care for herself for the most part had started to decline. I was her only child.  Care fell to youngest sisters.  While eldest sister had little to do with her care I believe she was very vocal about what should be done.  When one of the other sisters said that we didn't know what it was like and probably could do it better. We had a frank conversation with her that we knew it was hard. we did not know what they were going through, we were thankful they were there for Mom and that we felt since they were the ones there they knew what was best and we would support what ever decisions they had to make.  Meanwhile I was spending two years Friday-Monday and any medical appointments with my mother. Thankful that most of what she needed was a companion so her sister took over when I was not there.  Mostly she needed someone to make sure she took her meds, didn't drive and made sure she ate.  I did her shopping each weekend, paid her bills and took care of all her appointments.  Luckily her Drs. were good about working to schedule appointments on the same day.  Id have the 2 hour drive to her house & her PCP was right in town so that was easy, then we had an hour drive to the Cardiologist and a short drive to the Oncologist or another specialist.  Another hour back to Mom's and two hours home.  If I was lucky we could get a Friday or Monday so I could just stay. Considering what I see some here having to manage or the length of time they have been Caregiving I consider that I was not as put upon and we were fortunate that MIL had my SILs & FIL with her.

My mistake was not asking for help soon enough and specifically enough. The best way to ensure buy-in of sibling support is to get together in a family meeting (early in the process) and divvy up the responsibilities. Then let them manage it their own way. I have seen this done successfully in other families. Not in ours. I started out as the caregiver because I lived nearby and was single. They were happy not to have to deal with it. When I asked for help, there were a million reasons why they couldn't. When I asked for family meetings well into the process of taking care of our parent, all my decisions were criticized by the one sibling who offered the least help. Not surprising; many families have that person who has to disagree with everything to make themselves feel important. I was exhausted many times and my hair turned white. I have an everlasting resentment and dislike for the sib who made everything difficult. For those of you like him: If you won't help, at least get out of the way.

Oh, I did tell them I would be spending their inheritance to buy the help that I needed and couldn't get from them.

I have 2 brothers. I am the oldest child. Parents appointed my brother, middle child as POA and executor (Thank G-d).

My youngest brother is 11 years younger than I and 8 years younger than middle brother. Whole different generation, and although we thought he was "coddled" he had a rather fraught relationship with my parents.

My POA brother had the best relationship with parents; he was often serious ill as a child, took up a great deal of attention due to that and also had some learning and behavioral issues that caused him to be very much the focus of attention.

And then there is the fact that elderly grandma moved in with us (mom initially resisted this the first time grandma broke her hip, but decided to house gma after second break several years later). My adolescence was taken up by ill brother, ill grandma and baby brother tending. Not much ability to grow and develop there.

When mom started to decline in her late 80s, I was happy to lend medical expertise and visit once a week, but made clear that I could in no way be a full time caregiver. Both brothers also were not able to provide this. Mom went into Independent Living at age 88 and transferred briefly to AL at 90, broke a hip and went to a NH and lived there for 4 1/2 years.

My point is that all three of us had very different experiences of our parents. Brother in the middle saw my parents as nurturing and caring; child number 1 (me) and youngest brother? No so much.

Get your parent(s) what they need, but don't expect your siblings to have had the same experience that you did. Parental care and love is not always distributed equally and having been told often as a child to "suck it up" when I had challenges that should possibly have been attended to made me a poor candidate to be a hand's on caregiver to my mom.

I knew that when my mother became anxious, wringing her hands over things that were not happening and were not going to happen that my default setting was to tell her to "suck it up". It would not have been kind, nor would it have been helpful. Getting a geriatric psychiatrist to see her and professionally treat her was the kindest and most useful thing I could do.

Yes, Arimithea, there is selfishness in the world. But consider the other possibilities.

Absolutely true -- Daughterof1930. It's rare for any of us to have helpful siblings.

From the other side of the table.

When my sister first started taking more and more care of Mom I lived 3000 miles away. At first there was nearly nothing I could do but send money for the odd bit of equipment, then I started spending my summer vacations near or with Mom so I could help out. I finally moved across the country to be nearby.

That being said, I know my limits and there is only so much I am willing to do. Before the pandemic I was spending 1 to 2 days per week with Mom. I did not do her housework or any of the in-home chores. I took her shopping and to lunch and visited with her. Now I call her and try to keep her spirits up.

I know that my sisters would like me to do more, as Mom has many needs. My response? They are doing what they chose to do. I took care of my MIL in the last months of her life when I was 60 and I know that I cannot do that again at 70. I am doing well to do my own housework and yard work, without even thinking about taking on Mom's.

My position has always been that I will help Mom as long as she can care for herself and her home. When she can no longer do that she needs to find a care situation that meets those needs. It still is.

In our area the nursing facilities and residential care facilities did not experience a big incidence of Covid-19. Out of many one had 1 case and another had 2 cases. The rest instituted safety measures in time to prevent outbreaks. Mom would probably be safer in one of these residences than at her own home, given that she falls a lot, has trouble with sanitary needs, and can't stand long enough to cook.

Am I willing to help my sisters clean her house, prepare meals that she usually puts in the trash, etc.? No. My position has been clear for more than 7 years. If my sisters CHOOSE to provide more for Mom, good for them, but I am doing what I feel is right for me. When they want to look for a placement, I will help with that. In the meantime I am doing everything that I have committed to.

I miss my old home sometimes where I had spent years getting everything the way I wanted it, but I do not regret moving here 5 years ago to be with Mom in her final years. I also feel a little offended that they are always hinting around that it would be easier for them if I did more. I feel that I have done enough, am doing enough. If the work is too much for my sisters they need to think about what further arrangements to make. I didn't ask them to take on Mom's housework and yard work and I don't appreciate them trying to guilt-trip me into doing something that I cannot do. That being said, I do love them and we do have some good times together. My advice to anyone whose sister/brother is not doing what YOU want them to do is to ask yourself why are you doing this? Have you taken on more than you can really do? What steps can you take to lighten your load? You are doing what you chose to do. Did you make a mistake? Have things changed so much that you should re-evaluate what you can do? Think about YOUR choices and don't waste time and hurt the relationship you have with your sibs by trying to make choices for them.

What nonsensical siblings - they certainly must ascertain what a waste of time and money in sending those out-of-state lottery scratch offs are, let alone not responding to the real issue at hand - caregiving, which they aren't willing to do.

Don't ask sibling to come. They haven't and they won't. I do have to ask - why did you write to your sibling to ask. Pick up that phone, say what you want (don't ask) and see how that goes.

You can try one more time by saying (not a letter): I've been at this on my own for x number of years/months and I need a week off. Paid employees get several weeks a year off and as an unpaid employee - I need time off too. I want 2/3/4 weeks a year from now on. I am planning to take off from this date to this date and I need the following help from you: Commit to being here to cover this period of time -or- I can locate some 24 hour caregivers to cover this week and give you the information so that you can pay the fee to cover this expense for one week. If you don't have funds to pay, perhaps you can get a credit card to pay it out over a period of months and charge it again when my next vacation rolls around. 4 weeks a year is not asking that much. 2 weeks a year is asking very, very little

Be prepared to get excuses. Plan B is going to be any friends or other family members that could do a day or so to relieve each other. If mom has any money, use it to pay for the care. Do not try to save her money so there is something left after death. Sibling will be there to get their 1/2 of remainder and never give any consideration to the hours you gave. Talk to Dept of Aging in your area to see if they have any kind of respite assistance for caregivers.

I'm also one of the walking wounded siblings that did most (if not all of it) and while I learned to not expect any help it galled me that they didn't help but also criticized how I did things for my mom. My one sister even had the nerve to tell me I wasn't brushing the hair off my mom's forehead properly. What! Hello? Hey, if you think you can do things better, then by all means do it. And none of them had the "I live out of town" excuse either. They were all local.

No, no one is obligated to help but in my case my mom was a saint. The kindest, most loving person who sacrificed every day for us so my question was "why would you not want to help?"

Oh yes, there is at least one in each bunch. Dead beat siblings that won’t help and always have an excuse. Only show up occasionally on holidays and promise to do more but never works out for their schedule. I have spent the last 10 years caring for my mother with Dementia while they got to have a life. But, I know I did everything I could possibly do to help my mother and have no regrets.

I was lucky. Even though I was the one who lived with mom and dad and did the crap clean up, my brother was the one who never shirked from having the hard conversations. I could grab a mask and rubber gloves and clean up the mess on the bathroom floor, empty the portable commode, dump the catheter bag, clean up the colostomy mess, you name it. But say to my mom "this just isn't working, we're going to have to consider a nursing home" or "we have got to update your will, assign POA's, and make decisions regarding end of life" forget it. She would either cry "I know you don't want me here (it was her home)" or say "end of life? I'm not going anywhere". Seriously, why plan for today when you can panic tomorrow? After years and years of emotional manipulation, just give me the urine and feces and let someone else deal with the real mess!

It's so easy to feel angry and resentful, but I know the choices I made in life have me in this spot for better, and for worse. So I just try to make the best of it one day at a time with no expectation of any help...though I am getting older and tired. I was looking into getting some help in to clean, because it seems every weeknight I work, cook and then am pooped and know the dust will await me. So it gets to the weekend, and I have this dark cloud of what I SHOULD do when what I want to do is just be left alone and rest. At this point my only sibling is out of state, and with COVID especially I don't want her being 60ish to take unnecessary risks of a flight and even if not, bringing it potentially to the rest of us. Plus she has 2 elder kitties and doesn't have anyone she wants to allow access to her home. I don't want her kitties alone and I get it. But I really really wish she could come or would come back and live here because I feel very alone and I would have trouble having outsiders in especially now with COVID. I know they can take precautions, but I am in the field and while I know there are good people out there, I'm just not trusting either. But as hard as it is, I think of a new friend who is a bit younger with a nursing background who had been the sole caregiver for her dad who has dementia, who is up at night, and who is incontinent of bowel. He is nearer to the end and the cleaning she has to tend to daily makes my life seem like a picnic.

Well, maybe one of those times you'll hit the jackpot! If you do, hire a caretaker, drive to the state yourself and cash it in!! Keep the whole payout (set up a trust for yourself and your kids, if you have any)!!

As for the recurring sad theme song, siblings no help... Plenty of us here. Look at the bright side, if you can - so long as they are not interfering, chastising or criticizing you, count your blessings! There are many posts in the forum regarding those nasty siblings who circumvent, get in the way, and make life miserable for everyone! Most of the time these siblings are looking out for #1 and what they will get when mom and/or pop pass on. They don't want to pay for help, a facility or even pay the sibling who IS doing the care-giving. It's all about what's in it for them! Some even go so far as to hire lawyers, cutting into any potential gain they might get (there might not even be any!)

In my case, I did all the research when I realized mom was in early stage dementia and explored all the options. First was to ensure we had all legal documents updated and set up a trust for her assets, I did try to hire aides, so she could stay in her condo longer, but after less than 2 months, she refused to let them in (1 hr/day only!)

So, next was locating places we could move her to. I found 3 places in the town next to mine (she was living about 1.5 hr away from me) and after arranging visits, YB finds a place we HAVE to visit too - about 5 minutes from where he was living, but I knew I would be the one doing everything else, including visits, and it would be at least 40-45 min drive for me! Comparatively, that place was not as nice and was more expensive. OB goes home and reports a place he looked into was less than 1/2 as much! Sure, it is less exp where he lives, BUT that cost he was told was only for the room. Everything else was ala carte AND there were lousy reviews.

I did have them do the actual move (mom was ADAMANT she wouldn't move so we had to have a fib set up to make her go.) Then comes the 1.5 YEARS I had to spend getting condo cleared, cleaned, repaired and sold. Very little help from those 2. Since then? OB doesn't come to visit (last trip was over 2 years ago and after one visit with mom, he refused to go again - didn't know what to do with her. With YB it was like pulling teeth to just get an answer to invites for special days/meals. I finally stopped asking.

During the whole process, their behavior, push back and lack of help was generating a lot of anger for me. Two incidents in particular (one for each) got me drafting an email to them, one for each, to explain WHY and let them know what their behavior and lack of help did to me. I would set it aside and come back to it another day, to continue it, but at some point I realized this was like a catharsis. I could get my anger out and let it go. I also realized that if I did finish and send these emails, it wouldn't change anything. At most, it would just anger them (no problem with that!) and result in more flak, so I just left the emails in the draft folder. They sit there to this day!

OB was abusive to me when we were kids (painfully physically and verbally abusive!) As we grew up and spent time with others, I sadly assumed this went away, as a child puts away kids toys. I was SO wrong! This reared it's ugly head big time during that last visit (I missed the warning signs on previous visits.) I am SO done with him. Haven't talked in over 2 years and have no intention to start. I have also learned I'm not the only recipient!

YB isn't physically abusive, but his verbal tirades are getting worse, so when mom passes, I am done with him too. For now, mom needs help getting to one appt outside the transport area, 4x/yr and I can't support her weight.

Once she passes, I will finalize burial, paperwork, taxes and have the trust release any remaining funds to each of us, then I will be an ONLY child!

You aren't alone.

Just some stuff to think about and consider ...if Bil and sil moved in cuz they needed help ..likely they were not paying any rent nor living expenses , you don’t say whether now they pay or not ..if they are living for free at parents home that is a form of reimbursement so even if they feel resentful ..they are getting paid ..especially since likely they have total control of home now in reality ..
from experience , I used to always be the one parents turned to ...my yb lived there but didn’t contribute except for occasional paying a bill plus yard work which was lax. As parents became less able , he did little to step up...mom even learned to do all the car stuff , through mechanics and shops but still, I felt with bro there he could’ve assisted and would have been less taken advantage of . Then sis lost job and moved in , with adult child. Again, parents paid for everything . And I still was more the helper As mom got more infirm , sis took more on some by need others cuz she liked the control of dinner and food etc. she even made decor change decisions . When mom needed rehab, I spent days visiting and researching and finding best place..then somehow day of transfer and I get word she is going to a diff place ...never any real explanation of why nor from then on did social workers at these places contact me despite my being on list for medical decisions ..with the sister also. I suspect it was all her doing ..since at one place I discovered she had told them to contact her and she’d communicate with me..also I overheard both her and staff and learned she was misinforming them about moms condition. Pretty much she cut me out. She also was verbally abusive to my parents ...but my mom expressly did not want me to confront her about it ..was so difficult for me but I needed her wishes. I tried to help , I researched and interviewed home care personnel but then sis chose a much more expensive agency and refused to explore getting insurance to cover it quickly depleting savings. I firmly believe all the yelling and scolding had effect on not only decreasing moms quality of life but also in shortening it. She passed with those sibs at bedside while I was called in afternoon and mom passed before I could get there from five hours away. I did choose not to come to the house then since she was all ready taken away. I was never able to say good bye ..and learned that she was being given morphine which likely made her pass more quickly despite not even being in pain..but that’s hospice I guess.
At funeral, I learned more of sis’s doings overhearing how wonderful she was to have moved in to help my parents and giving up her life. She had lived there for 5 years before my mom was even declining..and only had any caregiving role in the year prior to her death. I just kept quiet..knowing that is what mom would have wanted.I had heard sis actually telling social workers this same thing , that she had moved in years ago to take care of them..and I think she believed it this entire scenario is the reason I moved just could not handle watching it happen . So in the six months before mom passed , I was not right there. Also, sis complains about not getting help but is very critical of any help. given. Even with me , when I’d take parents to doc. She would complain about what day or time I made next appt, or that a new prescription had not beeen given.Then when I’d offer to make the phone call necessary to remedy these complaints she’d decline .
since Clovid , I have not been to visit...doing weekly FaceTime instead with Dad. He has just age related decline at 91. A bit unsteady and can’t hear . Just needs someone there and his meals made and meds given. He has had aides to help him shower for a few years now again no effort to get coverage even through his vet benefits.
Now sis , bro, and each of their grown children live there. Dad pays for everything even food, 19 y/o niece not even working,
So tell me I should help

My Mom came to live with my husband and me about 3 years ago due to her deteriorating mobility condition. I have 2 brothers and a sister that could help. My sister promised to have her come to stay with her on some of the weekends when she has Fridays off to help and give me a break; however this has not happened. She will have her come stay with her during the Thanksgiving week. Admittedly I have been resentful and bitter because she promised to help and have prayed for forgiveness regarding my feelings. My husband says this assignment was slated for me and to accept it; I am the one feeling pain while everyone else is living their lives. Accept the assignment; pray for strength and move on.

if your parent lives with you and care falls on you, a lot of resentment would fall away if you are compensated monetarily. It is a huge job and often a thankless one.
I provide care for both my parents who are nearly 90. They still live independently but need help with meals, meds, house cleaning etc. I have siblings who are either unable or unwilling to provide support. My parents gift me money generously each month that amounts to $15-20 per hour. They thankfully realize the work it takes and also know it would cost them much much more to get outside help.
I’m very honest with my siblings as to the monetary gifts and they are ok with it because they also know if I step away they would have to step up. I also am blessed with a sibling who will come a week a year so I can get away for a bit.
I think communication is key.

I have seen this over and over again and it is just wrong. Be tough and stand firm. You are NOT going to get help from others - it just won't happen. Figure out if you can get her a caretaker and if that is not workable, then perhaps it is time to place her when she can be cared for. Not everyone should be a caretaker for valid reasons and if it is harming you and destroying your life, it is time to take concrete action and place her in a better situation. And as to your siblings who won't help, stand up, wise up and walk away from them. Why do you want them in your life? They are not worth it in my book.

When I’m treated with hatred & disrespect through illogical & vile rage attacks being lobbed at me by my SIL’s through unprovoked texts /emails ...they will NOT get my help with their mother anymore. I’m a nice person & have helped many times in the past, and these SIL’s have never liked me. The MIL has plenty of money to be able to hire outside help...thank goodness. I will continue however, to visit MIL and do favors which don’t involve hands-on care. My husband refuses to attend to his mother’s toileting needs and that would obviously fall on me. He won’t allow himself nor his wife to be mistreated by these siblings another day.
Boundaries are a wonderful thing, If the MIL didn’t have plenty of $$, I do realize this would be a different scenario.

Yep. Join the useless sibling club along with the rest of us. Not much you can do really. Just have to learn to vent about it every once in awhile to keep your sanity but, otherwise, you just have to accept that things will most likely not change. I totally empathize though and am sending you a hug!

I can totally relate!! My brother and I are carrying the load, while our sister (oldest) refuses to help. Our mom was diagnosed w/ ALZ in 2016 and dad w/ mild cognitive impairment in 2018, plus he had physical impairments. AL didn’t work (they lasted only 3 weeks!), so we’ve had home care aides for a few hours daily.

Since I live closest to M&D (75 miles away), most of their care responsibilities have been on my shoulders ~ finances, home mgmt, dr appts, meds, etc. So, lots of driving back-and-forth and extended time staying w/ them. As a result I’ve given up pretty much all opportunities/commitments in my life (work, volunteering, activities, friends, etc). I’ve been mostly fine with that, especially having a supportive life partner who has chipped in and tag-teamed to help. Plus, my brother (1,300 miles away) has made multiple trips, often coming for several weeks at a time to provide relief for me. Throughout their lives, our parents have been wonderful role models w/ tremendously giving hearts ~ so we are happy to give back and now help them. And fortunately, my brother and I are on the same page about most decisions regarding their care, estates, etc.

Our sister has been oversees teaching for many years, coming home for only a few weeks each year (Christmas/summer vacations). For awhile, she’s been planning to retire in 2021. Two years ago, I began asking her (multiple times) to consider retiring this year to help us care for M&D. But she has refused, saying “it’s complicated” w/o giving any concrete reasons. Note that she is single, w/ no spouse/partner, no kids, no home ownership. And it’s not a money issue, since we even offered to cover her final year’s work salary/expenses from our parents’ estate. But she declined. Then COVID came, giving her a solid excuse not to return to the US due to travel bans from her current country.

I finally realized that throughout our lives, she’s always been selfish and has NEVER had my back (e.g., I’ve had my own major medical issues w/ multiple hospital stays, including ICUs ... and not once did she visit me in the hospital while she was in the US). So, I have basically let go of that toxic relationship and ceased communication (my brother keeps her updated).

Our dad died at home this spring (not COVID related) ~ he had a wonderful life and as good/comfortable a death as I think possible. Mom, brother, and I were with him. His last coherent words were thanking me for all I had done for him. It’s just too bad that my sister chose not to be here for our parents. She’s the one who has to live w/ herself, knowing that she is missing out on their final years.

Although at times I do resent the fact that she’s not here to help, I no longer expect anything of her, which has been a big weight lifted. No expectations = no disappointment!! And I can certainly look in the mirror knowing I have done everything possible for my parents, and they have appreciated my efforts.

If Mom has the money - hire a temporary live-in caregiver (better for her anyway than a sib that doesn't want the job - Mom stays where she is used to and is cared for) Spend everything she has on her - when she goes useless sibs are the first in line to get "their share". Make sure that is -0-. If Mom has nothing contact Area on Aging - or various senior assist programs (In CA In Home Supportive Services ) They will help pay for someone (temporarily or permanent) - could even be you.

It's possible my DH & I will become the 'missing in action' sibs of our families in the future as we are looking at options to move to a more affordable location post-Covid (if there is such a thing).

Could look like DH is leaving future parent care for the 'girls' of the family but DH is happy with his role (tech support). Why try to be nurse if I have no interest or skill at that, he once said. Indeed. He does not see that the care needs to be split equally between sibs at all. I am aware that it could appear sexist, but the truth is that he knows what he will & won't do. Says if parent can't self-care after a hospital stay then go to rehab etc. He just will not do 'wiping'. Has zero guilt. We have already seen SIL offer to provide ALL the care then phone around the sibs requesting they step up equally (after 2 days). So we learn & plan.

My brothers "allowed" me to do everything. Never interfered with my decision making. One brother only commented honestly when I called for input. One brother lived 7 hrs away and had big MIL problems. He had raised my nephew. The other brother was going thru a divorce so no help there. Neither went out of their was for Mom. Not even to regularly visit her.

With COVID its going to be hard getting respite with Mom. Some ALs and NHs will do it if they have a room available. It will cost, you can use Moms money. That's what its there for. Do you have someone you trust who could come to your house and care for her?

I have a useless sibling, if you spend any time on this site you’ll find the majority of us do, and most of the time they get a pass for the uselessness by our parent. The best gift you’ll ever give yourself is accepting what is, stop being resentful over it, and finding ways to move forward while expecting nothing from them. Getting upset over useless siblings does nothing to change them and only makes you bitter, like drinking poison yourself and waiting for them to die from it