How do I keep from hating my siblings?

He probably means that you've got it made b/c you're living in Mom's house and apparently don't have any personal expenses. Put simply, he thinks you're mooching and shouldn't be complaining about anything. Caring for Mom is, then, your job. So why should he help?

Without calling him names he wasn't born with, have a heart-to-heart with the guy and explain why help with caregiving is needed. You probably resent him for pushing your buttons, but I don't think you're capable of hating anyone; no matter how hard you try.

i think eddie said what i was thinking. i would only add that family illness stresses entire families and misconceptions and misunderstandings run rampant. when a little time passes i think you will all realize the reasons for the blow-ups and likely reconcile with a bit of aquired wisdom and maturity. my sister and i have had some on the spot disagreements too but after a few months weve found out we have much in common and might even be a little closer. weve certainly learned a few things

Both the guys gave you great advice- I can only commiserate. My hisband's brother sent his mother flowers for her birthday. The flowers arrived with a small box of chocolates (8) for me - the inlaw who is carrying this load day in and day out - Am I supposed to be excited?

My husband and I have some of the same expenses we had when we moved in with her (including storage of our furniture). She only expense we don't have is rent/mortgage. My husband didn't think this would be a good idea moving in because I was breaking my neck getting out the door with all day visits. I got tired of her looking like a bone, threats of putting her in a nursing home from my idiots siblings. That's the only reason I gave up my happiness for her welfare. I do so regret it but no one else will take care of her.

"No one else will take care of her" ? Actually, raisin2012, that is what they do in group homes, nursing homes, and assisted living places. There are lots of ways an elder can be taken care of. Family can continue to participate in the care to the extent that they can and want to, no matter where the elder lives.

You made a decision. You would rather take care of your mother yourself, than have professionals do it. And you went about arranging that, because it was what you wanted (even though it apparently wasn't exactly what your husband wanted.)

Your "idiot siblings" also made decisions. None of them wanted to personally take care of Mother. All of them apparently thought she could be well taken care of in a care center. I have no idea whether they made these decisions sincerely with Mother's best interest in mind, or out of selfishness, or because they don't particularly care about your mother's welfare. But they did what you did -- they made decisions about what they were willing to contribute to Mother's care.

You want them to support you in your decision. You want help from them. You want at least their good wishes. I don't blame you a bit. But you have no authority over their lives. You made the decision that this was how mother had to be cared for. They did not.

What if one of them had taken over the decision-making, and said, "I picked out a care center for Mother. It is awesome and she loved it when we visited. It is too expensive for her income so we will each have to contribute $565 per month. It is due on the second of each month." Would you be outraged? Would you meekly turn over the money even though you didn't agree with the decision and were not consulted?

If your sibling didn't agree with the decision of you moving into Mother's house and did not promise to help you implement the decision to care for her at home, it seems a little extreme to me that you would hate them over it. Yes, it would be nice if they did help, and it would certainly be nice if they respected your decision and didn't insult you. That you are calling them stupid and idiots makes me wonder if the insults are going both ways.

How do you keep your hating your siblings? Respect their right to make their own decisions. And, by the way, if you "so regret" the decision you made (and are trying to impose on them), you can make new decisions.

This sounds like a page out of my book on my life. My brother has helped as minimally as possible in the past year since our Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. ThoughI have asked for help over and over again, and for him to call our Mom twice a week, and have dinner with Mom once a month, he refused. I told him I can't handle all the stress by myself. I am Bipolar (and he always uses that against me, to insult and demean me). The response I got from him re dinner 1x/month was "I get along better with Mom the less I see her" and "you can't function in the real world." To me, that meant F*ck You! So I just walked away. I didn't want an argument. He is a "right fighter", verbally abusive, and his temper scares me.

Recently, (bc I suspected he's been stealing money from my Mom), i looked at his email. He has been selling items on Craigslist for her. But I have her POA, and I am supposed to be involved in any financial matters. But he has no respect for me, so he ignores whatever I tell him.

I truly believe he tells her he sold an item for a lower price, and pockets the rest (because he doesn't seem to have a job, sleeps all day, and locks himself in the room he was (temporarily) staying in. Anyway, when he found out, he exploded, and pushed me. I fell really hard, hitting my head on a tile floor, sustaining a concussion, and injuries to my neck/back. I'm still having problems problems with dizziness. When I finally could drive again, I filed a Temporary Restraining Order against him. To get back at me, he has called Adult Protective Services SEVERAL TIMES alleging I am emotionally and financially abusing Our Mother. So even though he made these claims AFTER the assault, and it's obvious he's retaliating, APS keeps contacting me for more information. I am going to hire an attorney ASAP to fight his bogus claims. What is truly ironic is that our Mom filed an Elder Abuse Temporary Restraining Order against him last year because he was always screaming at her, calling her (and on occasion me) names and refused to move out. I hope the Judge can see through his bullshit. We go to trial re the Temporary Restraining Order on the 24th. I'm going to bring all the charges that were incurred at the hospital and ambulance (they come to about $11K). I'm still in shock over his claims. I never knew he could sink so low. So sad.

Yes, siblings aren't what they are cracked up to be. My siblings were elated when I told them I was moving in with mom because that got her off their backs. They didn't have to worry about calls regarding her blood sugar dropped, she fell and hurt herself, etc. I call myself moving in to make their lives easier.

We go through so many emotions regarding siblings who are not helpful or understanding of the new dynamics of caregiving. It is a shock and really unfair, as we discover that life truly is unfair. Once you "feel the feelings" you can choose to hang onto the frustration or hate for as long as you want to. Most people don't change. They are honest or in denial, selfish or sharing, present or in hiding. You know your siblings, and the old saying about "you find out who your friends are" -- and that includes siblings-- when you enter the world of caregiving. All the years we hoped or wanted our family members to magically "change" we finally get the short lesson. My advice: save yourself a lot of stress. Accept it, move on ASAP. But that is up to YOU! I stewed for a couple of years after 50 some years of all the other family crappola. Take care:) xo

I'm the youngest of four siblings and was drawn to this site by the article or question about what to do when siblings who don't help with caregiving. One of the many helpful comments in the article stated (I'm paraphrasing) you can't really complain that you're not getting help from your siblings if you haven't asked them. So I asked them yesterday via an email to the entire family so I didn't have to have the conversation over and over and...and the response was what was predicted in the article. One of my brothers responded by talking about how he tolerated all of my failures in life and never criticized me, then went on to talk about how "resilient" our parents are and they don't need to be "patronized". He even asked me if I knew what our father did the day after he graduated from high school and reminded me of all the times he went fishing and golfing with our father. He mentioned all of his medical issues and described the recent draining of a boil on his ass (I'm not making this up) as a minor surgical procedure that had some complications. He ended his reply by asking me "why do you lash out so???"

My only sister hasn't said a word even though the night before she said she would call me or our mother to let us know if she'll be joining us for Mother's Day. When I asked her that the night before the email, she said she'd call me or mom but didn't think she could make the two hour trip because she pulled her hamstring and it hurts to sit for too long plus her husband feels like shit. She told me all of this, via text message, while she was in a restaurant (where I'm assuming she sat on a somewhat hard chair for at least an hour of so).

Here's the text of my email that started it all:

"I don't have Tim's email, so if someone could forward this to him I'd be greatly appreciative.

Here's what I have to say.

I take unpaid FMLA leave to help out mom and dad. That’s right: some of the time I take off to help them out is unpaid. That causes me financial headaches. I don’t take vacation leave because that is set aside for mom and dad. I burned up almost all of my sick leave when I hurt my back shoveling snow at mom and dad’s.

I drive to and from Pueblo sometimes every week. That’s miles on my car, gas I have to pay for, and four hours on the road, usually during rush hour. My knees hurt a lot during that two hour drive.

I almost always develop an ache or a pain or even an injury doing work in and around their house. The house and yard are pretty big and mom can’t do it all by herself; dad can’t help with anything anymore.

I call mom and dad every day. I know who mom and dad’s doctors are, and I know who their hospice workers are.

I love being with mom and dad and want to help them as much as I can, I’ve already stated that very clearly and demonstrated as much. It’s the least I can do after all they’ve done for me. I've also clearly stated I would be the primary caretaker "when the time comes", and that time is upon us. But that doesn’t excuse you guys from helping out as well, even if that help comes in the form of a phone call to see how they’re doing or running an errand for them or doing a chore or something like that. I can’t shoulder this by myself. I’m going through my own loss and grief and sometimes mom and dad need to talk about what’s going on with them—with someone other than me. For god's sake, at least go to their house and visit with them. Not to tell them all about your crappy day, but to listen to them and share memories.

Larry and Rose are unable to help other than to call and talk. They live far away, don’t have the money to travel and Larry has his own significant health problems.

Aaron and Jenny and their kids drove down the weekend they found out dad entered hospice care, and they brought them a meal. Gary F visited them the same weekend. Amy came down the following weekend towing food and two kids. Chris flew out the same weekend Amy came down, even though he has a new job, limited days off and didn’t budget for this trip. His sister is graduating next month and his trip to Colorado was important enough to scale back on his trip to see Colleen graduate. Ask yourselves what you’ve done to reach out and make a connection with mom and dad/grandpa and grandma in the past five-six weeks.

Gary, I’m really glad you mow the lawn for mom and dad. But when you come over to visit could you remember to ask them how they’re doing and really listen instead of going on and on about all of your problems? Mom and dad are no longer in a place where they can handle dealing with our problems unless it’s absolutely necessary to tell them what’s going on, as it was recently with Larry. Mom and dad have been my best friends and confidantes for years, and I’ve lost that. Who do I talk to about my fears and frustration and sadness? I’ve got my own shit going on but I don’t tell them about it because I don’t want them to worry about me.

Gary and Heather, have you ever thought about vacuuming for them, changing bedding, making them a meal? I don't know how many times during the past several years I've fed your asses. Thus far you haven't offered to return the favor and you never even offer to help clean up after a family meal.

I know this will cause anger and hurt feelings, but at this point I don’t care. Better to get this shit on the table now. Be there for mom and dad, if not in person then by phone. You will be the ones regretting it when they're gone if you don't, not me. I don't care if you get mad at me and never talk to me again. But BE THERE FOR MOM AND DAD.

Think of something special you could do for them. I'm working on getting recent photos of everyone so they can put them on their bookshelves. Just a simple project like that means a lot to them and it will make you feel good inside, I guarantee."

I really held back in that letter. My son said he thought it was appropriate (and believe me, my son is the first person to criticize me about anything!), and one of my nephews said the same. That nephew plans to spend some time with his grandparents later this month--at least that's what he says now. I'm hoping he'll follow through.

My oldest nephew's wife responded and I can see she's already trying to make the peace. She's honestly one of the finest people I've ever known and it's not her responsibility to smooth things over because my siblings are selfish assholes. My oldest nephew is always front and center for grandpa and grandma, but his job requires him to go out of state a lot and he's currently in Iowa.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this weekend. I don't want to be anywhere near my brother or his daughter but I know my mom is expecting at least them and me for a Mother's Day dinner. I honestly don't know what to do. I mean, I know that the right thing to do is be cordial but I don't know if I can do that. I'm so angry at them right now I know I'll tear into them if I'm around them. Hopefully by Sunday some of my anger will have simmered down.

How about when the siblings do not think that Mom needs the extra help and care? The only son who was willing to ‘step up to the plate’ and move out of a home he loved and where he was happy and who has been hiding the step stool and opening jars and undoing the twistees on the bread and undoing the TV & cable remote errors, must be wrong. If her suggestion that she considered drowning him at birth is unacceptable to him, then he should leave. (Obviously that is only 1 small example of her verbal abuse) Now that his ‘old home’ is leased and he has to find a new place to live, that is his problem and he asked for it….

&& since Mom doesn't need that care, we must be taking advantage of her. Nevermind the negative cashflow. I have many things in storage as well. I also do not like what I have become. Not at all.

How do you keep from hating siblings? Only you can come to terms with how you feel. Everyone is different, have different circumstances, different skills, abilities, emotional perspectives on the issues at hand. We have to respect first, accept second. I don't think I've encountered one post on this site or among discussions with my friends, colleagues or others who are caring for aging parents where "everyone is in harmony and agreeable to care responsibilities/decisions".

For me and my brother, we've had honest discussions; he doesn't want any part of assisting or contributing -- he is honest about that. He is supportive of whatever decisions I make and is supportive to me emotionally when I'm at my wits end. I love him and respect where he is coming from. I've had other family members think he should step up; but then I don't see them calling or visiting my mom either.
My experience is if there is tension growing up among sibs it rarely gets better or improves. My brother and I re-connected years ago and we are there for each other. Worrying about my mom is hard and draining, but I have a choice whether to subject myself to caring for her or get outside skilled care.

my sister came down today to amuse mom for a few hours while i worked on our automobile. after a few hours she left without any consideration of how far i was along on the car. she not only isnt too sharp in the head but i suspect something more sinister. i think shes trying to give the appearance of helping while thoroughly enjoying the difficulties that i routinely endure.
so, siblings = jealousy = lack of cooperation..

= butthole ..

raisin2012 Love Yourself and your Mom!!!! I haven't read all the posts here just yet.... I wanted to get to the point of your question immediately!!!!!
Saying it Again~~~~~Love Yourself and your Mom!!!!~~~~~~ Don't waist time on negative energy. That's all you can do actions speak louder than words.

Oh.... LOL.... I forgot.... I call these people Energy Suckers!!!

I have to give Jeanne Gibbs a shout out here; some folks think of NH, Al as being a fate worse than death for their elders. It is actually possibly the best possible place due to increased socialization, better nutrition, better compliance with meds, diet, etc. It is simply not possible for one person to give 24/7 care to an elder who has more than very minimal needs.

As most of you know, I have a troublesome sib. She thinks I am the problem. I think she is the problem. My therapist and I are exploring the gift of forgiveness on my part towards her. I am going to be moving on, taking care of Mom that best BOSS will let me. And taking care of myself.

@ ba8alou,
cant imagine myself in a NH. cant i just sit in my garden and squash tomato worms? not very sociable is what im sayin..

Wow. We all have so much in common. My husband, teenage sons, and I moved from out of state to "help." We moved in with Dad and his wife, thinking we'd only be in the house for a month or so, but found that we couldn't leave because he required total assistance with ADL's and both needed supervision. Because of the intense care required, I couldn't get a job since they both needed so much help. My brother has also told me basically the same thing. He has a girlfriend whom he spends the night with and only comes to help when it suits him. I believe he is obligated because he receives financial help from my dad. I get so upset sometimes. I don't hate my brother, but I certainly don't have respect for him anymore. Now that I live here (in their home) and Dad's and his wife's doctors have stated clearly that neither can be left alone, I am legally (and morally) obligated to ensure they have the care they need. We have talked about placement, but my brother's response is, "I'm not taking him kicking and screaming." Whatever. We do now have nine hours of help a day (just started last week), thanks to their long term care insurance, but this last year has been HELLLLLL. My sister always tells me it is my choice to feel the way I do, but it is so much easier said than done when she gets to go home and sleep through the night. I suppose it is a choice, but it is very difficult to choose when one is covered in poop, fixing dinner for all, cleaning up, and trying to be a good mom to my kids. Sometimes feeling sorry for oneself is all one has. This won't go on forever and at least we will have clear consciences that we have cared for our loved ones. Good luck.

One, JeanneGibbs's answer is the best I've ever seen.

Two, Telling other people what to do and guilt-tripping them about not doing it is guaranteed to damage relationships. If you step back and think about it, that's pretty basic.

Three, As a conflict-resolution professional I can tell Beth53 that a major statement made IN WRITING backfires practically every single time. There's no way to ensure that the TONE you meant comes across, and there's no way to correct mid-stream misunderstandings. Read your letter out loud with a petulant or martyred or accusing tone of voice (even if that's not what you meant) and see how easily it could come across as lashing out. Besides, you wanted to have a major impact on your relationship with your siblings and on their behavior, and that takes a lot of back-and-forth, real communication -- which means both ways, step by step. As tempting as it is to deliver a manifesto and then somehow be done with it, it just doesn't work. Instead, as you've seen, it backfires. There's one really good thing about writing a long letter like that: it helps you organize your thoughts and articulate your feelings. Then don't send it. Instead start to have conversations bit by bit, in which you not only deliver your message but also listen -- really listen, open-heartedly -- to the other person.

Four, sunflo2 gives us a really beautiful example of siblings reconnecting in spite of the statement "it rarely gets better". It definitely CAN get better, with real communication. But for anyone who's sure their opinion is right, who sees themselves as the saint, who's coming from a place of resentment (hatred) or who's trying to pressure the others or who's judging the others for their decisions... why on earth would anyone expect that to improve things!?

I agree with last poster on tone of letter. However, with all due respect for Beth53 and to the conflict resolution professional, letters and emails to family asking for help never start out sounding like pleading from the gallows. This comes from an evolution of family dynamics. Caregivers are usually selfless, giving people, even if they have been programmed or manipulated into this position. Non-caregiving siblings or family are self-preserving, or incapable for various reasons, or thoughtless. However you want to describe it, they protect themselves and their reasons and rationalization for why they cannot, will not assist. There is history of family dynamics, patterns of behavior, and while we should be aware of these things, many of us think that in caring for parents, this will be the time those family members can be counted on.
Contrary to thinking the caregiver is the one acting like a martyr, nothing like a non-participating family member who says their life is more important than yours, that their responsibilities are mandatory and yours are elective, that they Must sleep well every night or they have issues, etc. I would be interested in the script for honest communication in this situation. Does it end up that the caregiver is convinced and must accept graciously the terms of the uncooperative sibling? What would be the best outcome, say, after the parent passes? That the ex-caregiver forgive the crying, guilty sibling because she needs understanding and compassion to move on? Something like that. Really, how would you resolve it?

I have an idiot brother too....but he always has been and made it clear to me that he would not be present (until mom passes for the money). I put my mom in assisted living...I get judged a bit from her friends and such - but of course no one is willing to take care of her- so they can judge all they want. I am doing my best to keep her safe and well cared for - I don't ask my brother for anything and he doesn't 2nd guess any of my decisions. It actually works out well from that stand point. One of my Mother's friends - who is 81 told me to choose life- my life- and that is what I have done. I have 4 grown kids, a job and live 3 hours away. Good luck to you and if your brother doesn't help - seek professional help ( care facility,lawyer, cpa) and choose life.

WOW! Mostly all of the answers given to you raisin2012, should tell you what a hot subject you asked. Given my five (now four) siblings disrespect of me when our mother was ill with dementia lead to a court battle, them denying me access to her (even though I am the only nurse in the family), and finally me asking the court to permit only written responses to my requests to see her. Because I had nursed my mother through two hospice diagnoses, the nursing home where she resided saw my almost daily attention to her care. My other sisters hardly visited and one of them had POA. The day she died, the nursing home called ME first, and I called my POA sister, even though there was instructions to call the sister with the POA first. Since 2002, I have seen all of them at the funeral, then once two of them in 2012 for 1 1/2 hrs., and I have absolutely decided I want nothing to do with them, and I do truly hate them for all the pain they caused my mother and me. I'll forgive them one day when they apologize for their behaviors, and if this makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I am entitled to my opinion. We never chose our family members and we can certainly divorce ourselves from their lives if we want.

Ferris1 - you know that old saying - you can pick your friends - but not your relatives....I think we should all give ourselves a break and do what we feel best about - we live with the decisions we make - and looks like you did for you and your mom!

I am struggling with this same issue. I have one sister who lives in another state (1 1/2 hrs. away from my mother's). She comes to visit my mother about every 4 years. Our mother is 92 has many health problems, including losing her sight from macular degeneration. I have a very stressful job and live the farthest from my mother, but I am the one who is taking care of her many needs. My two brothers contribute money every month, but that's about it. The one brother goes over to see her once a month to give her money! At one point when my mother couldn't cook for herself, I asked my brothers if they or their wives could provide a meal once or twice a week if we all took turns, and I just got blank stares and "no." Fortunately, my mother is eligible for state welfare services so she has caregivers who clean her small apt. and do her grocery shopping, but the welfare agencies involved want her to stay independent as long as possible (because it's cheaper for them than a nursing facility), but it's creating more demands for me. We had a very dysfunctional childhood and the females and male siblings were raised differently - very old fashioned sexist stereotypical roles. But, I still can't understand why they won't help. It's created a huge divide with me no longer informing them of issues or even talking to them. I'm sure when mother passes, I will no longer see or talk to my siblings. I just wish I could understand and accept this, but it's been so hard on me, I just can't...

Oh precious Raisin 2012...BIG BIG HUGS!!!!

I've been through what you have been through. Your siblings actions not to take responsibility is just WRONG. While I hear so many saying that you made the choice to take care of Mom while your siblings did not, truly it's not a choice, it's just flat out what needs to be done, and you're the only one acting responsibly.

The only choice your siblings have made is to be irresponsible. You must forgive, meaning you have to think in the end, when it is all said and done, although it would have been better if your siblings would have carried their weight, but if you ask yourself would their decision to back-out ever change what you are now doing for your Mom..... and I know while caretaking is no bed of roses, we both know it is a labor of love, and I know your decision to take care of Mom would not change. Then release it, because your siblings are the ones in the end who won't have a second chance to step up to the plate, and will have to live with the consequences of regret for a lifetime, because in life we only have one Mom.

You remain in my prayers. When things get tough just shout out and repeat, even if just under your breath, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)

This is why God gives us friends so we can put up with realitves. After not receiving any help from my brother I finally placed my Dad in an assisted living facility. He is 86 with short term meomory loss. Since I received no help this was my only option. I was angry at first that I had to do this all on my own but, life is too short and I just moved on. If you can't handle caring for a parent on your own then the best next thing is to put them somewhere we athey are healthy and safe.

I am in same situation, I am the oldest and live closest to mom thus caring for her daily activities, doctors, store, some household, taking trash out, etc. and the gas and bathroom report.... It has been extremely hard on me as she wants to baby me and I HATE that. My sibs both live about 1 1/2 hours away and they do call mom often, but to me its not the same. I need some support and I have called my bro and he sais, "You are a strong person" ok thanks. Now he can go back to his life and money and good times. I am sorry but they have to know I am struggling!! No its not ok because I am single and the oldest. Mom and me being "best friends" is NOT healthy for me!! I did post a situation with mom and her neighbor on FB and I guess I shouldn't have..to me it was a statement about injustices that happen to the elderly. My sis got all embarrassed as her "friends" were asking her what happened. She asked me to remove it and how could I embarrass us like that...crap, so sorry, my cry for help I guess. Now we haven't spoken. I can't find a job and can only pay 2 more weeks rent, trying to sell stuff, can't depend on sibs to help as I get back on the subject at hand here. Looking for an assisted living for mom and a cabin the woods for me ha ha love ya all. Got to trust God, all I have

The time spent not caring will double the guilt and grief when it is too late. My brothers have not helped or called or visited my father in ten years. Three years ago during a serious illness I sent both a e-mail and left phone messages. One quick ICU visit each last time either one has had contact. I care so little about them no hate for strangers.