How do I keep from hating my siblings?

There are plenty of times that I wish that I were an only child. My two older siblings have always been close but, not with me. And that's ok. The only problem is that they never bother to help take care of our mother.

They take the time and days off of work to go on their vacations together but never bother to relieve me from the never ending caregiving that I have done for over 15 years. So the times that I have stood up for myself they act as if I am the bad guy. I ask the question---why should I always have to make the first move to contact them? I have always known that telephones can be used to make and receive calls. Any contact we have had was initiated me. So while in theory it sounds good in that we should let attitudes or comments slide from the non-helping siblings, sometimes I can't help it and have lashed out. I have tried over the years to explain and describe the help that I need but to no avail. It is what it is but don't expect unconditional sibling love from me. Not now.

How about having 5 older brothers and none of them have time to help our 85 year old mother....as the only daughter these 5 brothers have chosen to take the out of site out of mind approach. I've asked for them to at least call our mother on routine basis that she can count on, but only one brother actually does it. One other brother got mad and said "You can't tell me what to do or when to call my mother..." Sad, they don't even call her for mothers day or her birthday, much less for any other holiday.
I finally had to realize that my siblings are selfish and they really don't care what happens to our mother and I let go of depending on them for assistance in caring for our mother. With 6 children involved, there is always misunderstandings and other perceptions of what is going on.

Hey Montauck Mother's Day what a joke!

You know.....initially I was resentful....now it has been eight years and I just dont care anymore. So last Mother's day the one sister visits and chats up mom then twice comes to my room, tears up and asks about her inheritance. So next visit? I will stay away for those few days. I dont have room to hate but I certainly dont have to listen to that! I totally disagree with the "you made your decision" school of thought. I would never have allowed a sibling to carry all the weight without offering voluntarily help or relief.

Do you mean to move away? I own my home nearby. It is not so easy to move. If I don't answer the phone she leaves a voicemail to bring her credit card back. Other threats are not paying tuition/weddings for the kids.Unfortunately I am partially financially dependent on her.

lonecaregiver1...Since your sister is in charge of Mother, you should give her a date, say the end of the month, that she needs to make other arrangement for your Mother. You will be no longer available except to visit when you have the time. Get a new address and caller ID. Sounds harsh but your life is important!

It is not necessary to give up your life, physical/mental health to care for anyone. Sounds like you are being abused by the entire family. Please make the decision to take care of yourself and get on with your life. Best wishes!

oh, siblings....my mother appointed a sister as exceutor after her death. Interesting thing is...that she things she is in charge of mom now, while she is living! She starts arranging things, when I ask what she is doing she told me that she will tell me if I will do the work. I told her I just wanted to know what is going on. I am the daily caregiver. She is the visitor. All she could say to me was that knowledge is power and then proceeded to ignore my request for information about my mother. My mother is abusive to me. I feel like a rag, cleaning woman.
She embarrasses me in front of my visiting nieces then acts as if nothing happened. Ready for the insane asylum...

The time spent not caring will double the guilt and grief when it is too late. My brothers have not helped or called or visited my father in ten years. Three years ago during a serious illness I sent both a e-mail and left phone messages. One quick ICU visit each last time either one has had contact. I care so little about them no hate for strangers.

I am in same situation, I am the oldest and live closest to mom thus caring for her daily activities, doctors, store, some household, taking trash out, etc. and the gas and bathroom report.... It has been extremely hard on me as she wants to baby me and I HATE that. My sibs both live about 1 1/2 hours away and they do call mom often, but to me its not the same. I need some support and I have called my bro and he sais, "You are a strong person" ok thanks. Now he can go back to his life and money and good times. I am sorry but they have to know I am struggling!! No its not ok because I am single and the oldest. Mom and me being "best friends" is NOT healthy for me!! I did post a situation with mom and her neighbor on FB and I guess I shouldn't have..to me it was a statement about injustices that happen to the elderly. My sis got all embarrassed as her "friends" were asking her what happened. She asked me to remove it and how could I embarrass us like that...crap, so sorry, my cry for help I guess. Now we haven't spoken. I can't find a job and can only pay 2 more weeks rent, trying to sell stuff, can't depend on sibs to help as I get back on the subject at hand here. Looking for an assisted living for mom and a cabin the woods for me ha ha love ya all. Got to trust God, all I have

This is why God gives us friends so we can put up with realitves. After not receiving any help from my brother I finally placed my Dad in an assisted living facility. He is 86 with short term meomory loss. Since I received no help this was my only option. I was angry at first that I had to do this all on my own but, life is too short and I just moved on. If you can't handle caring for a parent on your own then the best next thing is to put them somewhere we athey are healthy and safe.

Oh precious Raisin 2012...BIG BIG HUGS!!!!

I've been through what you have been through. Your siblings actions not to take responsibility is just WRONG. While I hear so many saying that you made the choice to take care of Mom while your siblings did not, truly it's not a choice, it's just flat out what needs to be done, and you're the only one acting responsibly.

The only choice your siblings have made is to be irresponsible. You must forgive, meaning you have to think in the end, when it is all said and done, although it would have been better if your siblings would have carried their weight, but if you ask yourself would their decision to back-out ever change what you are now doing for your Mom..... and I know while caretaking is no bed of roses, we both know it is a labor of love, and I know your decision to take care of Mom would not change. Then release it, because your siblings are the ones in the end who won't have a second chance to step up to the plate, and will have to live with the consequences of regret for a lifetime, because in life we only have one Mom.

You remain in my prayers. When things get tough just shout out and repeat, even if just under your breath, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)

I am struggling with this same issue. I have one sister who lives in another state (1 1/2 hrs. away from my mother's). She comes to visit my mother about every 4 years. Our mother is 92 has many health problems, including losing her sight from macular degeneration. I have a very stressful job and live the farthest from my mother, but I am the one who is taking care of her many needs. My two brothers contribute money every month, but that's about it. The one brother goes over to see her once a month to give her money! At one point when my mother couldn't cook for herself, I asked my brothers if they or their wives could provide a meal once or twice a week if we all took turns, and I just got blank stares and "no." Fortunately, my mother is eligible for state welfare services so she has caregivers who clean her small apt. and do her grocery shopping, but the welfare agencies involved want her to stay independent as long as possible (because it's cheaper for them than a nursing facility), but it's creating more demands for me. We had a very dysfunctional childhood and the females and male siblings were raised differently - very old fashioned sexist stereotypical roles. But, I still can't understand why they won't help. It's created a huge divide with me no longer informing them of issues or even talking to them. I'm sure when mother passes, I will no longer see or talk to my siblings. I just wish I could understand and accept this, but it's been so hard on me, I just can't...

Ferris1 - you know that old saying - you can pick your friends - but not your relatives....I think we should all give ourselves a break and do what we feel best about - we live with the decisions we make - and looks like you did for you and your mom!

WOW! Mostly all of the answers given to you raisin2012, should tell you what a hot subject you asked. Given my five (now four) siblings disrespect of me when our mother was ill with dementia lead to a court battle, them denying me access to her (even though I am the only nurse in the family), and finally me asking the court to permit only written responses to my requests to see her. Because I had nursed my mother through two hospice diagnoses, the nursing home where she resided saw my almost daily attention to her care. My other sisters hardly visited and one of them had POA. The day she died, the nursing home called ME first, and I called my POA sister, even though there was instructions to call the sister with the POA first. Since 2002, I have seen all of them at the funeral, then once two of them in 2012 for 1 1/2 hrs., and I have absolutely decided I want nothing to do with them, and I do truly hate them for all the pain they caused my mother and me. I'll forgive them one day when they apologize for their behaviors, and if this makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I am entitled to my opinion. We never chose our family members and we can certainly divorce ourselves from their lives if we want.

I have an idiot brother too....but he always has been and made it clear to me that he would not be present (until mom passes for the money). I put my mom in assisted living...I get judged a bit from her friends and such - but of course no one is willing to take care of her- so they can judge all they want. I am doing my best to keep her safe and well cared for - I don't ask my brother for anything and he doesn't 2nd guess any of my decisions. It actually works out well from that stand point. One of my Mother's friends - who is 81 told me to choose life- my life- and that is what I have done. I have 4 grown kids, a job and live 3 hours away. Good luck to you and if your brother doesn't help - seek professional help ( care facility,lawyer, cpa) and choose life.

I agree with last poster on tone of letter. However, with all due respect for Beth53 and to the conflict resolution professional, letters and emails to family asking for help never start out sounding like pleading from the gallows. This comes from an evolution of family dynamics. Caregivers are usually selfless, giving people, even if they have been programmed or manipulated into this position. Non-caregiving siblings or family are self-preserving, or incapable for various reasons, or thoughtless. However you want to describe it, they protect themselves and their reasons and rationalization for why they cannot, will not assist. There is history of family dynamics, patterns of behavior, and while we should be aware of these things, many of us think that in caring for parents, this will be the time those family members can be counted on.
Contrary to thinking the caregiver is the one acting like a martyr, nothing like a non-participating family member who says their life is more important than yours, that their responsibilities are mandatory and yours are elective, that they Must sleep well every night or they have issues, etc. I would be interested in the script for honest communication in this situation. Does it end up that the caregiver is convinced and must accept graciously the terms of the uncooperative sibling? What would be the best outcome, say, after the parent passes? That the ex-caregiver forgive the crying, guilty sibling because she needs understanding and compassion to move on? Something like that. Really, how would you resolve it?

One, JeanneGibbs's answer is the best I've ever seen.

Two, Telling other people what to do and guilt-tripping them about not doing it is guaranteed to damage relationships. If you step back and think about it, that's pretty basic.

Three, As a conflict-resolution professional I can tell Beth53 that a major statement made IN WRITING backfires practically every single time. There's no way to ensure that the TONE you meant comes across, and there's no way to correct mid-stream misunderstandings. Read your letter out loud with a petulant or martyred or accusing tone of voice (even if that's not what you meant) and see how easily it could come across as lashing out. Besides, you wanted to have a major impact on your relationship with your siblings and on their behavior, and that takes a lot of back-and-forth, real communication -- which means both ways, step by step. As tempting as it is to deliver a manifesto and then somehow be done with it, it just doesn't work. Instead, as you've seen, it backfires. There's one really good thing about writing a long letter like that: it helps you organize your thoughts and articulate your feelings. Then don't send it. Instead start to have conversations bit by bit, in which you not only deliver your message but also listen -- really listen, open-heartedly -- to the other person.

Four, sunflo2 gives us a really beautiful example of siblings reconnecting in spite of the statement "it rarely gets better". It definitely CAN get better, with real communication. But for anyone who's sure their opinion is right, who sees themselves as the saint, who's coming from a place of resentment (hatred) or who's trying to pressure the others or who's judging the others for their decisions... why on earth would anyone expect that to improve things!?

Wow. We all have so much in common. My husband, teenage sons, and I moved from out of state to "help." We moved in with Dad and his wife, thinking we'd only be in the house for a month or so, but found that we couldn't leave because he required total assistance with ADL's and both needed supervision. Because of the intense care required, I couldn't get a job since they both needed so much help. My brother has also told me basically the same thing. He has a girlfriend whom he spends the night with and only comes to help when it suits him. I believe he is obligated because he receives financial help from my dad. I get so upset sometimes. I don't hate my brother, but I certainly don't have respect for him anymore. Now that I live here (in their home) and Dad's and his wife's doctors have stated clearly that neither can be left alone, I am legally (and morally) obligated to ensure they have the care they need. We have talked about placement, but my brother's response is, "I'm not taking him kicking and screaming." Whatever. We do now have nine hours of help a day (just started last week), thanks to their long term care insurance, but this last year has been HELLLLLL. My sister always tells me it is my choice to feel the way I do, but it is so much easier said than done when she gets to go home and sleep through the night. I suppose it is a choice, but it is very difficult to choose when one is covered in poop, fixing dinner for all, cleaning up, and trying to be a good mom to my kids. Sometimes feeling sorry for oneself is all one has. This won't go on forever and at least we will have clear consciences that we have cared for our loved ones. Good luck.

@ ba8alou,
cant imagine myself in a NH. cant i just sit in my garden and squash tomato worms? not very sociable is what im sayin..

As most of you know, I have a troublesome sib. She thinks I am the problem. I think she is the problem. My therapist and I are exploring the gift of forgiveness on my part towards her. I am going to be moving on, taking care of Mom that best BOSS will let me. And taking care of myself.

I have to give Jeanne Gibbs a shout out here; some folks think of NH, Al as being a fate worse than death for their elders. It is actually possibly the best possible place due to increased socialization, better nutrition, better compliance with meds, diet, etc. It is simply not possible for one person to give 24/7 care to an elder who has more than very minimal needs.

Oh.... LOL.... I forgot.... I call these people Energy Suckers!!!

raisin2012 Love Yourself and your Mom!!!! I haven't read all the posts here just yet.... I wanted to get to the point of your question immediately!!!!!
Saying it Again~~~~~Love Yourself and your Mom!!!!~~~~~~ Don't waist time on negative energy. That's all you can do actions speak louder than words.

= butthole ..

my sister came down today to amuse mom for a few hours while i worked on our automobile. after a few hours she left without any consideration of how far i was along on the car. she not only isnt too sharp in the head but i suspect something more sinister. i think shes trying to give the appearance of helping while thoroughly enjoying the difficulties that i routinely endure.
so, siblings = jealousy = lack of cooperation..

How do you keep from hating siblings? Only you can come to terms with how you feel. Everyone is different, have different circumstances, different skills, abilities, emotional perspectives on the issues at hand. We have to respect first, accept second. I don't think I've encountered one post on this site or among discussions with my friends, colleagues or others who are caring for aging parents where "everyone is in harmony and agreeable to care responsibilities/decisions".

For me and my brother, we've had honest discussions; he doesn't want any part of assisting or contributing -- he is honest about that. He is supportive of whatever decisions I make and is supportive to me emotionally when I'm at my wits end. I love him and respect where he is coming from. I've had other family members think he should step up; but then I don't see them calling or visiting my mom either.
My experience is if there is tension growing up among sibs it rarely gets better or improves. My brother and I re-connected years ago and we are there for each other. Worrying about my mom is hard and draining, but I have a choice whether to subject myself to caring for her or get outside skilled care.

&& since Mom doesn't need that care, we must be taking advantage of her. Nevermind the negative cashflow. I have many things in storage as well. I also do not like what I have become. Not at all.

How about when the siblings do not think that Mom needs the extra help and care? The only son who was willing to ‘step up to the plate’ and move out of a home he loved and where he was happy and who has been hiding the step stool and opening jars and undoing the twistees on the bread and undoing the TV & cable remote errors, must be wrong. If her suggestion that she considered drowning him at birth is unacceptable to him, then he should leave. (Obviously that is only 1 small example of her verbal abuse) Now that his ‘old home’ is leased and he has to find a new place to live, that is his problem and he asked for it….

I'm the youngest of four siblings and was drawn to this site by the article or question about what to do when siblings who don't help with caregiving. One of the many helpful comments in the article stated (I'm paraphrasing) you can't really complain that you're not getting help from your siblings if you haven't asked them. So I asked them yesterday via an email to the entire family so I didn't have to have the conversation over and over and...and the response was what was predicted in the article. One of my brothers responded by talking about how he tolerated all of my failures in life and never criticized me, then went on to talk about how "resilient" our parents are and they don't need to be "patronized". He even asked me if I knew what our father did the day after he graduated from high school and reminded me of all the times he went fishing and golfing with our father. He mentioned all of his medical issues and described the recent draining of a boil on his ass (I'm not making this up) as a minor surgical procedure that had some complications. He ended his reply by asking me "why do you lash out so???"

My only sister hasn't said a word even though the night before she said she would call me or our mother to let us know if she'll be joining us for Mother's Day. When I asked her that the night before the email, she said she'd call me or mom but didn't think she could make the two hour trip because she pulled her hamstring and it hurts to sit for too long plus her husband feels like shit. She told me all of this, via text message, while she was in a restaurant (where I'm assuming she sat on a somewhat hard chair for at least an hour of so).

Here's the text of my email that started it all:

"I don't have Tim's email, so if someone could forward this to him I'd be greatly appreciative.

Here's what I have to say.

I take unpaid FMLA leave to help out mom and dad. That’s right: some of the time I take off to help them out is unpaid. That causes me financial headaches. I don’t take vacation leave because that is set aside for mom and dad. I burned up almost all of my sick leave when I hurt my back shoveling snow at mom and dad’s.

I drive to and from Pueblo sometimes every week. That’s miles on my car, gas I have to pay for, and four hours on the road, usually during rush hour. My knees hurt a lot during that two hour drive.

I almost always develop an ache or a pain or even an injury doing work in and around their house. The house and yard are pretty big and mom can’t do it all by herself; dad can’t help with anything anymore.

I call mom and dad every day. I know who mom and dad’s doctors are, and I know who their hospice workers are.

I love being with mom and dad and want to help them as much as I can, I’ve already stated that very clearly and demonstrated as much. It’s the least I can do after all they’ve done for me. I've also clearly stated I would be the primary caretaker "when the time comes", and that time is upon us. But that doesn’t excuse you guys from helping out as well, even if that help comes in the form of a phone call to see how they’re doing or running an errand for them or doing a chore or something like that. I can’t shoulder this by myself. I’m going through my own loss and grief and sometimes mom and dad need to talk about what’s going on with them—with someone other than me. For god's sake, at least go to their house and visit with them. Not to tell them all about your crappy day, but to listen to them and share memories.

Larry and Rose are unable to help other than to call and talk. They live far away, don’t have the money to travel and Larry has his own significant health problems.

Aaron and Jenny and their kids drove down the weekend they found out dad entered hospice care, and they brought them a meal. Gary F visited them the same weekend. Amy came down the following weekend towing food and two kids. Chris flew out the same weekend Amy came down, even though he has a new job, limited days off and didn’t budget for this trip. His sister is graduating next month and his trip to Colorado was important enough to scale back on his trip to see Colleen graduate. Ask yourselves what you’ve done to reach out and make a connection with mom and dad/grandpa and grandma in the past five-six weeks.

Gary, I’m really glad you mow the lawn for mom and dad. But when you come over to visit could you remember to ask them how they’re doing and really listen instead of going on and on about all of your problems? Mom and dad are no longer in a place where they can handle dealing with our problems unless it’s absolutely necessary to tell them what’s going on, as it was recently with Larry. Mom and dad have been my best friends and confidantes for years, and I’ve lost that. Who do I talk to about my fears and frustration and sadness? I’ve got my own shit going on but I don’t tell them about it because I don’t want them to worry about me.

Gary and Heather, have you ever thought about vacuuming for them, changing bedding, making them a meal? I don't know how many times during the past several years I've fed your asses. Thus far you haven't offered to return the favor and you never even offer to help clean up after a family meal.

I know this will cause anger and hurt feelings, but at this point I don’t care. Better to get this shit on the table now. Be there for mom and dad, if not in person then by phone. You will be the ones regretting it when they're gone if you don't, not me. I don't care if you get mad at me and never talk to me again. But BE THERE FOR MOM AND DAD.

Think of something special you could do for them. I'm working on getting recent photos of everyone so they can put them on their bookshelves. Just a simple project like that means a lot to them and it will make you feel good inside, I guarantee."

I really held back in that letter. My son said he thought it was appropriate (and believe me, my son is the first person to criticize me about anything!), and one of my nephews said the same. That nephew plans to spend some time with his grandparents later this month--at least that's what he says now. I'm hoping he'll follow through.

My oldest nephew's wife responded and I can see she's already trying to make the peace. She's honestly one of the finest people I've ever known and it's not her responsibility to smooth things over because my siblings are selfish assholes. My oldest nephew is always front and center for grandpa and grandma, but his job requires him to go out of state a lot and he's currently in Iowa.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this weekend. I don't want to be anywhere near my brother or his daughter but I know my mom is expecting at least them and me for a Mother's Day dinner. I honestly don't know what to do. I mean, I know that the right thing to do is be cordial but I don't know if I can do that. I'm so angry at them right now I know I'll tear into them if I'm around them. Hopefully by Sunday some of my anger will have simmered down.

We go through so many emotions regarding siblings who are not helpful or understanding of the new dynamics of caregiving. It is a shock and really unfair, as we discover that life truly is unfair. Once you "feel the feelings" you can choose to hang onto the frustration or hate for as long as you want to. Most people don't change. They are honest or in denial, selfish or sharing, present or in hiding. You know your siblings, and the old saying about "you find out who your friends are" -- and that includes siblings-- when you enter the world of caregiving. All the years we hoped or wanted our family members to magically "change" we finally get the short lesson. My advice: save yourself a lot of stress. Accept it, move on ASAP. But that is up to YOU! I stewed for a couple of years after 50 some years of all the other family crappola. Take care:) xo