How much of your family (in your household) did you take in consideration when caregiving?
I know this may be an unusual question but I am looking for a way to come to terms with things that have happened in my life.
My grandmother became sick when I was 7. I was very close to her and my mom took care of her for many years (off and on for 15 years total). My grandmother had a lot of medical issues that required very painful surgeries and because she was from a small town with limited medical care and we lived three hours away in a larger city, she came to our home to recover after each surgery.
My grandfather helped a little when she would go home but they often did not get along. He was often a hateful man and I can't really blame her but she would never fully leave him.
My uncle lived 1 mile from my mom and he never helped. Nor did his wife or their children. Both my cousins were older than me. They always had excuses from social activities to the situation being "too depressing."
I spent tons of time in various hospitals growing up. Once, my grandmother was hospitalized for 3 months straight. I did my elementary school homework in hospital rooms, high school homework -- and yes, even college assignments. I sat in doctors offices for hours with my parents and grandmother.
I wanted to be there and I loved her, but as I got older I started noticing things I did not like. My mother was not in good health. She was severally visually impaired (glasses like coke bottles), had a ruptured disc, bouts of anemia from heavy periods, and later we discovered renal insufficiency. Her feet would swell like crazy. Yet, all I would ever hear from my grandparents is how they did not want to go into a nursing home.
My mom would ask my grandmother why her son (living just a mile away) would never come and pick her up to take her to his home? Why he couldn't stop in to say, "hello" and my grandmother would go into rages. She would scream and yell and I started wondering, "how can someone this 'sick' that needs all this care have such strength to throw these fits?
Once after a surgery, I helped my mom take care of her and never left the house for 2 weeks straight. It was during the summer, so there wasn't any school.
My mom once got up, cooked a meal and said all my grandmother had to do was warm it up but she was going to take me out shopping. My grandmother had a fit and ended up throwing herself on the floor. We went anyway.
If my mom was sick and didn't say hello soon enough, she had a fit.
She had moments where she was truly a loving, giving kind person but she was always looking for that miracle pill that would make her 16 again.
By the time I got to college, I had to take a leave from my job to help but was still carrying a full college load. I remember she was getting sicker and was in Intensive Care. I begged my mom to just let me stay home because I desperatly needed to study and she had a fit saying how could I not be there? I HAD been there at that time for the last 13 years. I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I broke down in the middle of a college class sobbing.
When my grandmother died, my mother had little to do with me or anyone for a year. I was once so mad that I asked her, "do you wish it was me that died instead so you could have your mother back?" She came close to hitting me.
I have told my mother over the years that it was not right what we were put through (my dad and myself were right there through it all and my dad would work a manual labor job and then come in to sit hours in a doctors office because my mom did not drive (eyes).
Mom has told me she has not one regret and would do it all over again. I find that bothersome after she knows how I feel. By the time my grandmother died, I was up to 3 ulcers. I also had health problems and was a nervous wreck.
My husband now is a caregiver for his father who still lives in his own home but has small help from a helper and hospice has been call in but does precious little. My husband is responsible for getting perscriptions, groceries, meals and does an hour commute daily with 3-4 visits to his house. Our 8 year old daughter says she rarely sees daddy. My father-in-law has always been hateful and resentful (wasn't real happy his granddaughter was born a girl and reminds us of such but says now it's okay). He throws food, curses at my husband, threatens him and the list could go on.
My husband says his dad educated him and fed him. I told him he would have had less debt with a long-term student loan. He feels he is "honoring" his father as is commanded in the Bible. My mom took the same approach.
This current situation is reminding me of my childhood and I find myself more angry and wondering, "why do these people even have families if they are going to worship their parents?"
How much do you feel should be taken into consideration when you caregive? Do you feel your spouse or child should endure it with you? If so, how much? Am I just a cold person? Is something wrong with me?
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Now with your husband, all I can say it is his relationship with his father, who clearly sounds like he has dementia or some kind and should be in a home. I say that because it mirrors my father's behavior before he went into a NH home, then he plateaued and is now there long term, not accepting of his fate.
I guess all I can tell you is to talk to your husband, tell him how much you see him suffering and see if you can get him to lighten up his load of caring for his dad. Hire a caregiver to come in one afternoon a week. Use that time to go out to dinner or a movie with each other, or just sit down to dinner at your own home and have a conversation. Sometimes it is the little things that can help people see the light and then they want more of their own life back.
I have been caring for both my parents who live down the road, (Dad now in NH), but I do all the laundry, the groceries, meds, haircuts, church, listening to all their complaining etc...My Dad has nasty angry dementia but now on the right meds, is calmer, (sometimes)! My Mom - she didn't care her parents as they aged, her sister did for 40 years!!! Can you believe that! My Mom led the life of a socialite and now she is excepting me to to do EVERYTHING for her. There's no magic bullet but my husband said to me about 6 months, "I want you back, honey. I don't want us to lose our 50's with you being so miserable and exhausted. I miss you...." he was right and I started making some changes in my schedule. I now put my own family first. It's still very hard but no where was it written that I had to give up my life (which is what you did and what your husband is doing now), because they fed us and educated us, so that our parents can ruin our adult lives. He your FIL doesn't get a lunch, tough. He'll live. See if you can convince your husband to go over just once a day, or hire someone to do it. I hope this has inspired you to change it up.
xoxoxo -
SS
I think this sentence you wrote, "He has to learn that he can't always get his way the minute he dictates an order," is such great advice for joycews. Hit the nail on the head! We're not ignoring these responsibilities that we have assumed; we're just managing them.
xo
-SS
A few thoughts. My own Dad was very, very strict and never home. He was an only child and felt the universe revolved around him. When we grew up, after an abusive situation with him, my brother committed to being the opposite of my Dad's example.
So, my brother is healthy (he will not be a burden on his own children), he is a loving father and an amazing husband. He is a great uncle, to a point. He believes we all are accountable for our own good health. While there are some medical conditions that are hereditary, there are MANY that are induced by too much fat, sugar and lack of exercise. How accountable are we for taking care of smokers and drinkers, etc?
My brother expects us all to take good care of ourselves and to treat our bodies like the temples they are ...
That's just my way of sharing one example of a person who grew up in an awful situation and determined that he would be different. He works every day to make good decisions, his wife helps my brother when he lapses back into behaviors of disrespect for others that he grew up watching from our Dad.
Make choices. Sit down with your husband and decide what kind of people you want to be and what you both believe and put yourselves and your own family first. Your children will be your family for many, many, many years after your parents are gone. Your parents made choices in their lives and cared for you... hopefully. Now it is your time to care for your young children... at least that is what I think.
For a few years, after my kids were grown, my elderly mom fell ill and I cared for her. It made me quite sick to dedicate my life to caring for her, but it was only a few years and I wanted to be a good daughter to her in the end and I was. I could do it without sacrificing my children. I lost my career for that time, but I am going to work to get it back.
I hope this is hopeful and helpful to you. You are not anything but a blessing. It is a miracle of life that we are all here and we should honor that miracle by being kind to each other.
It sounds to me like your mom's mom was quite selfish and unkind. That's sad, but it doesn't mean that you and your husband need to perpetuate things. I think our parents get very, very scared as they fall into ill health and get older, and nearer to death and that comes out in sometimes ugly ways. We need to understand that, but if we fall ill too... then there will be no one able to help anyone. You and your husband have to stay healthy for your kids.
Your children are in your lives and your home for only a few years over the course of you long life time... think about it... don't waste that time. The kids grow up and go very, very fast. Cherish that time. It goes fast!
Your husband is doing what he feels in his bones is the right thing to do. You can schedule time for just the two of you. He may feel overwhelmed too. Do you have counseling at your church? You may want to try that. You can learn why you feel the way you do. I so hope you join with your husband and understand his sense of duty and love. I take care of my mom with dementia at my house and my husband helps. It was very hard at first, but a way of life now. We do not have any small children. You may want to include your daughter in these family talks. But you must talk to each other. A family has to support each other. Even if it is just sharing on this sight. I pray the best for you and your family.
This is a huge problem in this country & will only gets worse. We have an aging population with limited resources & to make matters worse we have lot's of technology & drugs to keep us living way past our expiration dates, even if we are miserable the whole time. Every situation is different but people DO get old & sick & need care. Someone has to tend to their needs & it's usually a family member unless they are rich enough to afford paid care. There are people with no family, friends or money for caregivers, they often end up on the street, sometimes it's their own fault but often not. Either way, it's a problem we face as a nation that is not going away.
God LOVES us. He doesn't want us to be harmed or abused or mentally at the end of our ropes. If a parent is demanding and pushing an adult child to this extent, this is not Godly behavior and that adult child is NOT obligated to do whatever that parent wants. Honor your parent by holding your tongue when you could really unleash it, by making sure they are safe and have good health care and are well fed and clean. Be as kind as you can be. But you do NOT get 'points' for allowing anybody - ANYBODY - abuse you.
I can't understand the way these parents seem so ungrateful for what you are doing for them. It may change but my father is always thanking me for every little thing I am doing for him. It makes a difference. This fit pitching is ridiculous and childish. That would drive me batty.
The other thing I want to add is that I believe our american society has an illness about the elderly......and about attention. It sounds like everyone in families go around worrying about how much attention they are getting from one parent and making a huge deal that one parent is unable to be there all the time for this period of time. Sure I think the OP's and her mother spent an excessive amount of time at hospitals and the like but she was also gaining very important lessons about how you treat someone who took care of you when you were growing up (assuming she did). and even if a parent didn't -such as in my dad's case, I am showing by example to my own kids how treat someone. Even showing my parents how they should have treated me. Also, there is too much emphasis on children demanding from their parents. In fact, it seems more and more that people in our society are only concerned about themselves and don't even understand the experience and value of sacrifice. Sacrifice isn't just for the person you are doing it for- you also gain an experience of what it's like to give. I get so tired of hearing people wanting this and wanting that and using guilt to heap on parents but especially mothers when they don't get what they want(time attention etc.). If kids have to sacrifice a little of their parents time so that they can take care of their parents in a balanced way (not the boundary-less way), then they too are learning to give and that is a valuable lesson as well. It should be framed as such and taught that this is the way we should treat each other and frankly, you are showing them how to love and how to treat YOU when you age. That's what I'm doing with my kids. Of course, as a single mom for many years, my kids know that they traded some lessons for different kinds. I mean no disrespect here. much love. BG
I did want to address a couple of things brought up. One poster had mentioned that perhaps my parents did not explain to me what was happening and I was "looking in" as an outsider and did not understand responsibility. I wasn't an outsider but an active participant. My mother was not well when she was doing all of this and had some very serious medical conditions going on from being legally blind to a ruptured disc in her back and later renal problems. By the time I was 11, I knew how to write a check and balance a checkbook and knew what all the bills that needed to be paid were. By the time I was 12 I could explain to anyone who asked in great detail every surgical procedure that was done to my mom or grandmother. At 15 I was put on my parents lock box account. I helped feed my grandmother, had up to my elbows in adult diapers (at one point we were up to 14 changes a day and sometimes that was with 2 diapers on), I took a leave from my job but I had to maintain full time status in college or I would lose my healthcare insurance.
I sacrificed. I had cousins who would send me postcards from a vacation while I sat at home waiting for the next crises. My dad saw my mom's sibling in a grocery store and said they would like to take me on a small vacation but we had no one to help with my grandmother. He looked at my dad and said, "wow, that sure is a tough spot to be in." I was awared an honor in college but could not attend -- I had a funeral to go to.
I understand it is important to teach children love, sacrifice and responsibility -- but why is this lesson often taught to just one child or one grandchild? I know there are a couple of post from only children and I understand that is totally different but my mom had a sibling who lived one mile away. My cousins were in the same house and older than me (one by almost 6 years). My aunt did not work outside the home. They had time for prayer meetings and church visits and would go out of their way to clean houses for people in the church and help them. My only conclusion is that is something that could be seen by others and receive praise.
My mom also took my grandfather in (for a shorter amount of time) and ended up in the hospital herself.
I have only came across one family that has ever done it right with caregiving and that was a lady with 3 sons. Each one would take her for 4 months each to be fair.
I just cannot wrap my mind around why a parent with two children doesn't sit down and say, "we are going to split the time of caregiving -- it is not fair to my children or grandchildren to live in hospitals, stay in the house for weeks and never leave." I do not understand why my mom did not say, "if I am going to do this...here's the deal."
I know my uncle and aunt didn't want my grandmother and she knew it but it was also not fair to us.
I feel if you can prepare your own meals, have enough energy to throw fits -- then do all that in your own home.
There are news stories about people who have been captured and lived with their perpurtrator for years to only be released into freedom. However it never makes the news when caregivers are in the same situation but held through obligation, guilt and someone who is physically violent toward you but they get a pass because they are elderly.
There are all kinds of government and church programs for children and elderly people but no real help for people in their 20's. 30's, 40's or 50's who are dealing with this. I rarely hear of people caregiving with young children at home. Most are in their late teens or grown.
I did want to also address my FIL -- it is not safe to have him in our home for 2 reasons: 1) he has put a gun to his stomach in the last month and threatend to kill himself as well as 2 weeks ago, he cut himself with a knife repeatedly on the stomach after my husband was 7 minutes late. 2) my husband has been told my FIL has an infection and he must wear gloves when around him. They said it is not to the stage yet of needing a mask. He does not wash his hands, light switches in his house have had to be cleaned from being covered in urine and feces and he also has problems in the past with herpes outbreaks and he infected my husband. The outbreak went from my husband's cheek into his eye and he recently received his second cornea transplant.
My FIL also has gambled away a significant amount of money that could have went to his care. We have had period of 3-6 months without hearing from him. He would not be in contact as much now unless he needed my husband and down deep I know that.
I do know the Bible says to honor your parents but I cannot find in my heart that God wants us to be abused (my husband was abused several ways as a child mainly by his mother and went to his father who called him a liar). I don't feel God wants us to essentially commit suicide by taking care of these people. I do not feel God wants us to expose our children to things that will harm them physically, mentallly, emotionally or spiritually. There is also a scripture about what should be done to people who do not protect children and cause them to stumble and it involves a millstone.
I see caregivers on here that have been doing this for 15, 20 or more years. Ours was 15. My dad once told me that I should move as far away as I could after high school. My mother continues to say she has no regrets and would do it all over again, even after her own mother looked up at her from the bed and said, "you don't love me." If mom didn't love her, she would not have put up with any of it. I once asked my mom, "you said you would do it all over again, but did you ever think of dad and I?" Needless to say, that was met with, "well, sorry you had such a horrible childhood" and more anger. Mom has said she knows she was treated right, but in her mind her parents are still one step from sainthood. I cannot understand that thinking.
Everyone's stories on here are very much apprecited because it lets you know you are not alone and that you are not some evil, cold person.
As the years pass (especially in the last two years), my mom is coming around more and more that things that went on were not right. There is still that resistance though.
My husband is slowly getting there about his father. He will not stand up like he should and I had to take some matters in my own hands today. He dad is now in the hospital where he should have been weeks ago.
I have gotten upset today more than I should have and it has taken a toll on my blood pressure. Thank God for my little girl to keep me focused. :)
When I was growing up, my parents took in relatives and even strangers in need. We had an elderly lady with us who was a hellcat but the rooming house she lived in across the street was sold and she had no family she came to live with us.
Let me introduce my own family. My mother would be so rude to me and say such hurtful things as I grew up. My father beat me with a belt and threatened me with a gun daily. I lived in terror of him. My grandfather molested me from the time I was born and it escalated to intercourse when I was 12. At 13 I feared a late period. He said if anyone found out, he'd kill me, my parents, and himself. My grandmother hated me for his incest and blamed me. I'd trade my childhood for yours in a heartbeat.
Guess what? That very mother and grandmother live with me now. My mother has multiple health problems and my grandmother has Alzheimer's and is violent right now. I have to lock all dishes, bowls, knives, etc in cabinets with key locks as she has cracked me and others with dishes and even tried with a heavy cast iron skillet. I can't nap anywhere but in my husband's and my bedroom with the door locked because she tried to strangle me with my daughter's jump rope.
Prior to this, I took in my abusive dad and grandfather in turn when one had cancer and congestive heart failure and the other was dying of pancreatic cancer. Right now I also have a friend here, my best friend, who has been with us for 4 years and is dying of cancer.
I have a husband who I adore. We also had his mom with us as she was dying and we also cared for his dad when he had cancer. He and I have a family.
So, since we are a married couple with a family, should we just have forgotten those who brought us in the world as if they are no longer family? No. We can't. We're just not that kind of people. I don't know anything about a biblical order as we are Atheists but our moral compass does not include turning away from family and friends in need. Our family is more compassionate for it. Being raised in a family that cares for others is something that can teach patience and compassion to children- at least it did for me, my husband, and our family. In our country, older family members are often deemed unconvenient and disposable. My husband and I and our family just can't be that way.
Your mother sounds like a lovely compassionate woman who has her values straight and wanted to care for the mother who brought her in the world and raised her. I would be proud of her. Sometimes kids feel put out. They want all the attention on themselves. That's natural. We homeschool and have a lot of family time. We have a strong and healthy marriage and make time for each other. It's all about balance. It is fine to bring in a sitter to stay with the ones receiving care so you can go do things.
I never wanted all the attention to myself. I'm an only child and was not neglected in that way at all.
I have a young child at home (8) and will not bring a man in who has cut himself with a knife, put a gun to his stomach and threatened harm to others. I will not expose her to herpes and the serious infection he is carrying in his urinary track and on his legs. I know if he got violent and killed her or us, he would walk because he is elderly and can easily turn off and on his "confusion." I cannot justify putting a small child in any danger such as that.
I think it is beautiful you took in your abusers but I would have been visiting them in prison had I been raped. I just could not fathom having a rapist be it my father or grandfather around my children.
I remember a case in the news from a couple of years back about a mother who went to care for her elderly father. He had been in some sort of trouble with the law in the past and had some guy living with him that had been a sex offender. Almost his entire trailer park was filled with sex offenders but this grandfather told his daughter they were all swell guys who would never harm his granddaughter. Sadly, the little girl ended up dead.
I am all for helping family when they have had surgeries, recovering from an illness, etc. but when they have the strength to yell, scream, throw fits, attack people (and yes, that was all done in my house growing up), then they need to be heavily sedated so they don't hurt themselves and others. If that doesn't work, they need to go back home or to a nursing home.
No parent raising their child would ever put up with being cursed at, attacked, threatened or outright bullied in any way. Most likely years ago the child would have been disciplined by spanking or some other punishment. Not every parent has dementia or Alzheizemer's. Neither of my grandparents did. So why is it okay for the elderly to treat their children in such a manor and get a free pass because well...they are elderly and gave birth 50 or 60 years ago? Why should young children see their parents talked to in such a horrible way, threatened, hit and outright abused? If a spouse was doing such a thing to another spouse we would be told to remove a young child from such a situation because it was dangerous to their emotional and physical well-being. Yet when it is an elderly person abusing a mother or father, we are told that is character building so children do not learn to be shelfish.
Yes, children need to be taught the world doesn't always revolve around them but their has to be a better way than seeing someone die in front of them for years, seeing their parents abused or being afraid of the same things being done to you.