How much of your family (in your household) did you take in consideration when caregiving?
I know this may be an unusual question but I am looking for a way to come to terms with things that have happened in my life.
My grandmother became sick when I was 7. I was very close to her and my mom took care of her for many years (off and on for 15 years total). My grandmother had a lot of medical issues that required very painful surgeries and because she was from a small town with limited medical care and we lived three hours away in a larger city, she came to our home to recover after each surgery.
My grandfather helped a little when she would go home but they often did not get along. He was often a hateful man and I can't really blame her but she would never fully leave him.
My uncle lived 1 mile from my mom and he never helped. Nor did his wife or their children. Both my cousins were older than me. They always had excuses from social activities to the situation being "too depressing."
I spent tons of time in various hospitals growing up. Once, my grandmother was hospitalized for 3 months straight. I did my elementary school homework in hospital rooms, high school homework -- and yes, even college assignments. I sat in doctors offices for hours with my parents and grandmother.
I wanted to be there and I loved her, but as I got older I started noticing things I did not like. My mother was not in good health. She was severally visually impaired (glasses like coke bottles), had a ruptured disc, bouts of anemia from heavy periods, and later we discovered renal insufficiency. Her feet would swell like crazy. Yet, all I would ever hear from my grandparents is how they did not want to go into a nursing home.
My mom would ask my grandmother why her son (living just a mile away) would never come and pick her up to take her to his home? Why he couldn't stop in to say, "hello" and my grandmother would go into rages. She would scream and yell and I started wondering, "how can someone this 'sick' that needs all this care have such strength to throw these fits?
Once after a surgery, I helped my mom take care of her and never left the house for 2 weeks straight. It was during the summer, so there wasn't any school.
My mom once got up, cooked a meal and said all my grandmother had to do was warm it up but she was going to take me out shopping. My grandmother had a fit and ended up throwing herself on the floor. We went anyway.
If my mom was sick and didn't say hello soon enough, she had a fit.
She had moments where she was truly a loving, giving kind person but she was always looking for that miracle pill that would make her 16 again.
By the time I got to college, I had to take a leave from my job to help but was still carrying a full college load. I remember she was getting sicker and was in Intensive Care. I begged my mom to just let me stay home because I desperatly needed to study and she had a fit saying how could I not be there? I HAD been there at that time for the last 13 years. I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I broke down in the middle of a college class sobbing.
When my grandmother died, my mother had little to do with me or anyone for a year. I was once so mad that I asked her, "do you wish it was me that died instead so you could have your mother back?" She came close to hitting me.
I have told my mother over the years that it was not right what we were put through (my dad and myself were right there through it all and my dad would work a manual labor job and then come in to sit hours in a doctors office because my mom did not drive (eyes).
Mom has told me she has not one regret and would do it all over again. I find that bothersome after she knows how I feel. By the time my grandmother died, I was up to 3 ulcers. I also had health problems and was a nervous wreck.
My husband now is a caregiver for his father who still lives in his own home but has small help from a helper and hospice has been call in but does precious little. My husband is responsible for getting perscriptions, groceries, meals and does an hour commute daily with 3-4 visits to his house. Our 8 year old daughter says she rarely sees daddy. My father-in-law has always been hateful and resentful (wasn't real happy his granddaughter was born a girl and reminds us of such but says now it's okay). He throws food, curses at my husband, threatens him and the list could go on.
My husband says his dad educated him and fed him. I told him he would have had less debt with a long-term student loan. He feels he is "honoring" his father as is commanded in the Bible. My mom took the same approach.
This current situation is reminding me of my childhood and I find myself more angry and wondering, "why do these people even have families if they are going to worship their parents?"
How much do you feel should be taken into consideration when you caregive? Do you feel your spouse or child should endure it with you? If so, how much? Am I just a cold person? Is something wrong with me?
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You want something, and your mother is NEVER going to tell you it's all right with her. You have to decide that you have done as much as you want to to care for your difficult mother. Then gently but firmly, repeat, "Mother, I think it's time you moved into assisted living. I think you'll like it, but I need you to move because it's getting too hard for us."
"Yes, maybe I am selfish, but I need to think of myself and my husband and children. It's getting too hard for me, and I want you to move into the ALF."
"No, I'm not abandoning you. I will visit you often, and I'll be more rested, so I can give you all my attention. But it's getting to be too hard for me, and I need you to move into the ALF."
You will wait a long time for her to give you permission to do this. But you don't actually need her permission. You will need to use your courage. Get your husband to support you. You can do this.
I can only say to you consider leaving NOW.
What is there to stay for? You say your marriage is over. If you leave you will find out if this truly is the case. You may be pleasantly suprised to find your husband really wants you back. Think long and hard and do whatever you do on your own terms and MIL has to go. Good luck to you
Know what else happened? Many baby boomers worked on their career, married someone younger and had children later. In our case, the generation span is an 8 year old child and an 86 year old grandfather!
I have also stepped back and looked at this situation. I have always remarked to my husband, "you know, people say you marry someone like your dad, but I married someone like my mom." I said that even before this situation with my father-in-law. And it is true. My husband is always the first person to jump for a stranger or co-worker (he worked on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day on a work project), is the first to run to his father (no siblings from this particular union even though he has half siblings) and he is the first one who you have to take by the head and rub his nose into the mess after someone had used him.
I have been dropped of at the ER and had to be told the news alone that I had a small tumor in my leg (thankfully begin), he worked on a work project while I was in labor and when I had a hernia operation, he took one day off and was back to work. I sat in a lazy boy by myself with some ice water next to me, a phone and the t.v. remote.
The other day I said to him, "perhaps I should hit you, curse at you, throw food across the room and threaten to kill you and you would treat me as well as you treat your father."
So I have came to the conclusion that there are some people that parents know that can easily manipulate and they do. There are some who want to be manipulated so they have something to complain about (brings to mind the old saying of, "get off the cross and let somebody else have the wood.") and I feel there are some adult children who get an aderline (sp) surge from the constant drama. There are others who get an ego boost from being needed.
I feel in some families like mine, the two play off of each other. I have noticed by comments on here that when the child stands there ground and fights back (verbally) that it is not fun for the parent anymore. There is no game in it. There is no "getting a rise" out of them.
I just really think that there should be more protection of minor children in these homes. There is no safeguard for them. Many adults just say, "I'm bringing in mom, dad or grandma and you better deal with it." Many of these adults are in hospitals prior to them coming home. Often times social workers are brought in to determine if they will go to a short-term, long-term facility or at their home or a family members home. Many times, social workers follow up when a patient is in a nursing home but rarely a follow up is not done in a home setting. As a society, we are so concerned if a child is in a violent household due to spousal abuse but we never take into consideration verbal and physical abuse afflicated by the elderly on their family members.
Our society wants everyone to think that all these situations are just beautiful with multiple generations living under one roof. No one ever asks the minor children what they think. :(
"Yes, my dad throws tantrums, but I can, too."
My beloved but misbehaving father would straighten up and fly right on the rare occasions that my ladylike mother blew her top at him. She finally learned to fake tantrums when necessary.
Like children, people who are misbehaving are often glad to be shown where the boundaries are. Their fears and desires are too hard for them to control themselves, but part of them is ashamed by their behavior.
I'm sure this isn't true for everyone, but at least when you yell, you feel better for a minute.
I never wanted all the attention to myself. I'm an only child and was not neglected in that way at all.
I have a young child at home (8) and will not bring a man in who has cut himself with a knife, put a gun to his stomach and threatened harm to others. I will not expose her to herpes and the serious infection he is carrying in his urinary track and on his legs. I know if he got violent and killed her or us, he would walk because he is elderly and can easily turn off and on his "confusion." I cannot justify putting a small child in any danger such as that.
I think it is beautiful you took in your abusers but I would have been visiting them in prison had I been raped. I just could not fathom having a rapist be it my father or grandfather around my children.
I remember a case in the news from a couple of years back about a mother who went to care for her elderly father. He had been in some sort of trouble with the law in the past and had some guy living with him that had been a sex offender. Almost his entire trailer park was filled with sex offenders but this grandfather told his daughter they were all swell guys who would never harm his granddaughter. Sadly, the little girl ended up dead.
I am all for helping family when they have had surgeries, recovering from an illness, etc. but when they have the strength to yell, scream, throw fits, attack people (and yes, that was all done in my house growing up), then they need to be heavily sedated so they don't hurt themselves and others. If that doesn't work, they need to go back home or to a nursing home.
No parent raising their child would ever put up with being cursed at, attacked, threatened or outright bullied in any way. Most likely years ago the child would have been disciplined by spanking or some other punishment. Not every parent has dementia or Alzheizemer's. Neither of my grandparents did. So why is it okay for the elderly to treat their children in such a manor and get a free pass because well...they are elderly and gave birth 50 or 60 years ago? Why should young children see their parents talked to in such a horrible way, threatened, hit and outright abused? If a spouse was doing such a thing to another spouse we would be told to remove a young child from such a situation because it was dangerous to their emotional and physical well-being. Yet when it is an elderly person abusing a mother or father, we are told that is character building so children do not learn to be shelfish.
Yes, children need to be taught the world doesn't always revolve around them but their has to be a better way than seeing someone die in front of them for years, seeing their parents abused or being afraid of the same things being done to you.
When I was growing up, my parents took in relatives and even strangers in need. We had an elderly lady with us who was a hellcat but the rooming house she lived in across the street was sold and she had no family she came to live with us.
Let me introduce my own family. My mother would be so rude to me and say such hurtful things as I grew up. My father beat me with a belt and threatened me with a gun daily. I lived in terror of him. My grandfather molested me from the time I was born and it escalated to intercourse when I was 12. At 13 I feared a late period. He said if anyone found out, he'd kill me, my parents, and himself. My grandmother hated me for his incest and blamed me. I'd trade my childhood for yours in a heartbeat.
Guess what? That very mother and grandmother live with me now. My mother has multiple health problems and my grandmother has Alzheimer's and is violent right now. I have to lock all dishes, bowls, knives, etc in cabinets with key locks as she has cracked me and others with dishes and even tried with a heavy cast iron skillet. I can't nap anywhere but in my husband's and my bedroom with the door locked because she tried to strangle me with my daughter's jump rope.
Prior to this, I took in my abusive dad and grandfather in turn when one had cancer and congestive heart failure and the other was dying of pancreatic cancer. Right now I also have a friend here, my best friend, who has been with us for 4 years and is dying of cancer.
I have a husband who I adore. We also had his mom with us as she was dying and we also cared for his dad when he had cancer. He and I have a family.
So, since we are a married couple with a family, should we just have forgotten those who brought us in the world as if they are no longer family? No. We can't. We're just not that kind of people. I don't know anything about a biblical order as we are Atheists but our moral compass does not include turning away from family and friends in need. Our family is more compassionate for it. Being raised in a family that cares for others is something that can teach patience and compassion to children- at least it did for me, my husband, and our family. In our country, older family members are often deemed unconvenient and disposable. My husband and I and our family just can't be that way.
Your mother sounds like a lovely compassionate woman who has her values straight and wanted to care for the mother who brought her in the world and raised her. I would be proud of her. Sometimes kids feel put out. They want all the attention on themselves. That's natural. We homeschool and have a lot of family time. We have a strong and healthy marriage and make time for each other. It's all about balance. It is fine to bring in a sitter to stay with the ones receiving care so you can go do things.
Everyone's stories on here are very much apprecited because it lets you know you are not alone and that you are not some evil, cold person.
As the years pass (especially in the last two years), my mom is coming around more and more that things that went on were not right. There is still that resistance though.
My husband is slowly getting there about his father. He will not stand up like he should and I had to take some matters in my own hands today. He dad is now in the hospital where he should have been weeks ago.
I have gotten upset today more than I should have and it has taken a toll on my blood pressure. Thank God for my little girl to keep me focused. :)
I did want to address a couple of things brought up. One poster had mentioned that perhaps my parents did not explain to me what was happening and I was "looking in" as an outsider and did not understand responsibility. I wasn't an outsider but an active participant. My mother was not well when she was doing all of this and had some very serious medical conditions going on from being legally blind to a ruptured disc in her back and later renal problems. By the time I was 11, I knew how to write a check and balance a checkbook and knew what all the bills that needed to be paid were. By the time I was 12 I could explain to anyone who asked in great detail every surgical procedure that was done to my mom or grandmother. At 15 I was put on my parents lock box account. I helped feed my grandmother, had up to my elbows in adult diapers (at one point we were up to 14 changes a day and sometimes that was with 2 diapers on), I took a leave from my job but I had to maintain full time status in college or I would lose my healthcare insurance.
I sacrificed. I had cousins who would send me postcards from a vacation while I sat at home waiting for the next crises. My dad saw my mom's sibling in a grocery store and said they would like to take me on a small vacation but we had no one to help with my grandmother. He looked at my dad and said, "wow, that sure is a tough spot to be in." I was awared an honor in college but could not attend -- I had a funeral to go to.
I understand it is important to teach children love, sacrifice and responsibility -- but why is this lesson often taught to just one child or one grandchild? I know there are a couple of post from only children and I understand that is totally different but my mom had a sibling who lived one mile away. My cousins were in the same house and older than me (one by almost 6 years). My aunt did not work outside the home. They had time for prayer meetings and church visits and would go out of their way to clean houses for people in the church and help them. My only conclusion is that is something that could be seen by others and receive praise.
My mom also took my grandfather in (for a shorter amount of time) and ended up in the hospital herself.
I have only came across one family that has ever done it right with caregiving and that was a lady with 3 sons. Each one would take her for 4 months each to be fair.
I just cannot wrap my mind around why a parent with two children doesn't sit down and say, "we are going to split the time of caregiving -- it is not fair to my children or grandchildren to live in hospitals, stay in the house for weeks and never leave." I do not understand why my mom did not say, "if I am going to do this...here's the deal."
I know my uncle and aunt didn't want my grandmother and she knew it but it was also not fair to us.
I feel if you can prepare your own meals, have enough energy to throw fits -- then do all that in your own home.
There are news stories about people who have been captured and lived with their perpurtrator for years to only be released into freedom. However it never makes the news when caregivers are in the same situation but held through obligation, guilt and someone who is physically violent toward you but they get a pass because they are elderly.
There are all kinds of government and church programs for children and elderly people but no real help for people in their 20's. 30's, 40's or 50's who are dealing with this. I rarely hear of people caregiving with young children at home. Most are in their late teens or grown.
I did want to also address my FIL -- it is not safe to have him in our home for 2 reasons: 1) he has put a gun to his stomach in the last month and threatend to kill himself as well as 2 weeks ago, he cut himself with a knife repeatedly on the stomach after my husband was 7 minutes late. 2) my husband has been told my FIL has an infection and he must wear gloves when around him. They said it is not to the stage yet of needing a mask. He does not wash his hands, light switches in his house have had to be cleaned from being covered in urine and feces and he also has problems in the past with herpes outbreaks and he infected my husband. The outbreak went from my husband's cheek into his eye and he recently received his second cornea transplant.
My FIL also has gambled away a significant amount of money that could have went to his care. We have had period of 3-6 months without hearing from him. He would not be in contact as much now unless he needed my husband and down deep I know that.
I do know the Bible says to honor your parents but I cannot find in my heart that God wants us to be abused (my husband was abused several ways as a child mainly by his mother and went to his father who called him a liar). I don't feel God wants us to essentially commit suicide by taking care of these people. I do not feel God wants us to expose our children to things that will harm them physically, mentallly, emotionally or spiritually. There is also a scripture about what should be done to people who do not protect children and cause them to stumble and it involves a millstone.
I see caregivers on here that have been doing this for 15, 20 or more years. Ours was 15. My dad once told me that I should move as far away as I could after high school. My mother continues to say she has no regrets and would do it all over again, even after her own mother looked up at her from the bed and said, "you don't love me." If mom didn't love her, she would not have put up with any of it. I once asked my mom, "you said you would do it all over again, but did you ever think of dad and I?" Needless to say, that was met with, "well, sorry you had such a horrible childhood" and more anger. Mom has said she knows she was treated right, but in her mind her parents are still one step from sainthood. I cannot understand that thinking.
I can't understand the way these parents seem so ungrateful for what you are doing for them. It may change but my father is always thanking me for every little thing I am doing for him. It makes a difference. This fit pitching is ridiculous and childish. That would drive me batty.
The other thing I want to add is that I believe our american society has an illness about the elderly......and about attention. It sounds like everyone in families go around worrying about how much attention they are getting from one parent and making a huge deal that one parent is unable to be there all the time for this period of time. Sure I think the OP's and her mother spent an excessive amount of time at hospitals and the like but she was also gaining very important lessons about how you treat someone who took care of you when you were growing up (assuming she did). and even if a parent didn't -such as in my dad's case, I am showing by example to my own kids how treat someone. Even showing my parents how they should have treated me. Also, there is too much emphasis on children demanding from their parents. In fact, it seems more and more that people in our society are only concerned about themselves and don't even understand the experience and value of sacrifice. Sacrifice isn't just for the person you are doing it for- you also gain an experience of what it's like to give. I get so tired of hearing people wanting this and wanting that and using guilt to heap on parents but especially mothers when they don't get what they want(time attention etc.). If kids have to sacrifice a little of their parents time so that they can take care of their parents in a balanced way (not the boundary-less way), then they too are learning to give and that is a valuable lesson as well. It should be framed as such and taught that this is the way we should treat each other and frankly, you are showing them how to love and how to treat YOU when you age. That's what I'm doing with my kids. Of course, as a single mom for many years, my kids know that they traded some lessons for different kinds. I mean no disrespect here. much love. BG
God LOVES us. He doesn't want us to be harmed or abused or mentally at the end of our ropes. If a parent is demanding and pushing an adult child to this extent, this is not Godly behavior and that adult child is NOT obligated to do whatever that parent wants. Honor your parent by holding your tongue when you could really unleash it, by making sure they are safe and have good health care and are well fed and clean. Be as kind as you can be. But you do NOT get 'points' for allowing anybody - ANYBODY - abuse you.