Anyone have any tips getting along with 3 generations in the house? My husband is always saying its US that has to change any time there's a conflict.. MIL is 81 and doesn't let anyone watch anything but the news all day and then gets mad when my kids don't hang out in the living room with her. They prefer their rooms with their own TV, computers and video games.. She thinks they sleep too late (my son works til midnight) and feels they should do more chores. Both have jobs with 30-40 hours a week but are not financially ready to move out . How do we all get along better? I am tired of fighting with my husband about this. help!
The older generations didn't grow up with computers, video games and tv to separate their families into segments. People spent time together and pitched in to maintain the home. These adults that you call children will all have their own homes some day and will thank you for teaching them how to do laundry, clean house and mow grass. They should know basic auto maintenance, how to cook a meal. They should know how to budget time and money. They may not appreciate it now, but they will later. I'm not saying that you haven't taught them all these things and even more, but this is just my opinion. Take it or leave it, but your life will become a living heck if you let it. Listen to your husband. You married him because you love him and thought he would be a good husband and father. This woman raised him to be the man he is. Hugs to you, it's hard to move into another woman's house no matter how much you love her.
You have invaded her space. Poster above sure has the right idea about your kids. They could be an absolute joy to your MIL...if they each spent just 30 minutes a day with her. As you describe their schedules, working a lot, school, retreating to their rooms...they aren't family, they're boarders.
I don't understand why you are fighting with your husband about this, though. Why is that?
If I was college aged and asked to get along with my folks AND grandma, I would find somewhere else to live.
Of course, a lot depends on who is paying for what. If grandma is paying for the cable bill, I guess she can have the tv on whatever channel she likes.
I feel like all of this wasn't worked out, before you moved in. Can you all move back, where you were before?
Being on oxygen 24/7 is not good. Talk to her Dr. Find out what her health is going to be like in the future. Then give her options. U all living together or a nursing facility. May be selling her house and combining incomes u can find a house with a MIL suite or a small apartment attached. My MIL had a home with a bedroom, bath and sitting room on one side of her house that could be closed off but easily excessed. A living room and kitchen separated it from the other bedroom and bath. She would have her space. If she wanted to join the family, she could come out to the common area. This wouldn't be yours or her home it would be ours. If she is on oxygen 24/7 she may be tired a lot and not have the energy to do anything. Ask her what she thinks of a portable and getting out more even if only a drive. When you have all the facts, have your husband talk to her. Explain that it's not working and they need to talk alternatives. If she can't be by herself then a nursing facility or help at home. But, u r going to have to move out. Maybe find something close by. If she can't live alone financially, then sell the house and get her an apartment. You don't want this to effect your family.
When we moved my mother (94 & mid to late stage dementia) in with us, I thought we would be like the Waltons .... one big happy family. HA!
We all had our own spaces, with lots of common areas as well. Stupid big house. Mom had her own bedroom, bathroom, and sitting room on the 1st floor, which was close to the common areas (kitchen, family room). My sons were all working full time & preparing to leave the nest. One (25) lived in our basement with his new bride so they could save like mad for a house of their own. Another (22) and his GF had a large room on the 2nd floor of the house. Third (21) shared a bathroom with them and had his own bedroom/privacy. Hubby and I rounded it out & we had our own bathroom.
They all paid rent, did chores, did their own laundry, paid their own bills, and sometimes we would eat together or watch a movie or have a few beers or just talk. Even when friends of sons came over, Mom was welcome to be right in there & did so at times. Those were the Walton times.
However..........we just couldn't do it. We lasted about 3 months. Mom wasn't really happy, wanting someone -- anyone -- with her at all times. Nope, wasn't gonna happen. We are all adults with lives and interests of our own. Which made that sweet old lady pout and be crabby. Plus, she was up and down all night, which meant no one else got much sleep.
We put her in assisted living about 4 months ago, and we are still trying to recover from the upheaval she caused in our lives. Life goes on and changes constantly. Sounds like your MIL is unhappy and angry at the life she has now and wants her old carefree life back. Yeah, we all do, too.
Please, put your family 1st and figure out something where you live separate from MIL.
I do think I disagree with your DH a little though. I think that with two families there, both sides have to give a little. Your family can't always be the one to give up or give in, letting MIL have her way. But, I also know how very hard it is to be in the middle of hubby and MIL too. It's not the place you want to be, that's for sure.
Maybe you and hubby can have sit-down chat with her and talk about what things can be done to help everyone enjoy living in the house. Each person has just as much of a right to be as happy as they can and no one has the right to make the other people miserable. Having said that, I know it wouldn't work for us because MIL wouldn't see any of it as her fault or concern. And then would blab to the daughter's family that we don't want her there and are being mean to her!
I do know that the one thing that is helping in caretaking with my MIL right now, is concentrating on my relationship with DH. Not sure why or how that is helping the caretaking, but somehow it makes me feel that he and I are more of a team - both in caretaking and in parenting (kids are 16, 19, and 22) around the caretaking. It's almost like my life is a three legged stool - caretaker, wife and mom. If I can make one of those legs really, really strong, it seems to compensate for the other two being a little wobbly (and we all know, the parenting leg is always wobbly, LOL)
Good luck, and I just hope that tomorrow is a good day. Sometimes a good day in the middle of the battle, can do wonders for getting us through a few more days!
You and the hubs need time away, maybe a weekend a month. The kiddos are getting ready to leave the nest and that brings a bit of pre-separation before final flight. Your family is in a totally different season than MIL and I am sure it is all more than she envisioned. Start planning now so you don't do this to your children. Good luck!