Mom has refused to consider a nursing home. What can I do?

There will come a time when the decision will be made for you, probably in the form of a major fall which puts her in hospital. That was the way it went with my mother. She had parkinsons, dementia and had a number of strokes over the years. She refused to use a walker in the house and got around hanging onto walls and furniture, falling frequently. In the end she fell twice in one night, first during the evening, then at 2 a.m. I found her in the den, out of it, in a pool of blood and called an ambulance.

I could no longer care for her alone 24/7. After a month in hospital I got her into a lovely nursing home. She hated it, everyone in it and especially me, and spent the next 3 years hiding in her room, ranting, raving and thinking of who she could find to put her in a sumptuous house and wait on her hand and foot for free as she was so entitled.

Daily screaming abusive phone calls drove me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. I changed my phone number and made it unlisted though I continued to visit 3 times a week and run her errands. She passed last fall. She had no friends, having run them off over the years and she died alone. She had been the mother from hell all my life and when she passed I felt nothing, just a huge sense of relief. I sold my home, gave up my career and moved 200 miles to live in her dark cold basement and care for her for four horrendous years. I'd had to give up most of my furniture. All I had left was my old dog and when he died I seriously considered suicide as the only way to get away from her once and for all. I have no regrets. It's taken time but I'm slowly getting my life back.

Alzheimer's will reach a point where it is beyond what one person or several untrained, unprepared people can handle. Does she qualify for medicaid? Keep in mind how important it is for the caretaker to take care of themselves for around 40% die before the person they are taking care of does.

If you are leaving your mother alone to work part-time, you know she has dementia, and if something happened to her, then you will really feel guilty because you did not exercise "due diligence" in her care. Everyone says they don't want to go into a nursing home, but with a person who has dementia, what makes you think she is thinking in her best interests? You have to be the sane adult here and if you cannot handle all the responsibilities that go with caregiving, then you need to consider letting professionals take care of her. No one will "blame" you if you cannot do this monumental task, it is not for everyone. It seems to me you have reached your breaking point, and it is time to consider placing her with others. Try a home with 10 residents with a full-time staff, and she might like that. You will not know until you try it. But, you need to either get respite or find her another place to live. What if she fell or choked while your were working? Something to consider...

Yes, a part-time job doing something you really enjoy will help with the sanity. That is why I continue to work mornings, it's like a "vacation" going to work :) Or try volunteer work, just as rewarding.

I see from your profile that your Mom had moved in with you 20 years ago after your Dad passed. Oh my gosh, that's a long time. What happens is that the parent once again sees you as the "child" and not as an adult, thus the elder continues to parent the "child" even though we know what we are doing.... [sigh].

Could Mom afford Assisted Living? Some places are like hotels, and she would be around people from her own generation. And she could make some new best friends.

Some elders, depending on their age, stereotype nursing homes as mental wards as that is how it was back generations ago. No way are they going to go there.

I like the idea of going back to work part-time, maybe while you are at work your Mom will start moving around as you aren't there at her beckon call.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but because some elders get to a point at which they refuse to do anything for themselves (things they are still capable of doing but won't), and also refuse to accept outside help, the only alternative left is that they will fail and die sooner than they might have otherwise. (The horse led to water but refuses to drink eventually dies of thirst.) When this happens and you've done all you can, then you cannot feel guilty for what you couldn't control or prevent. Contacting Adult Protective Services, etc. may provide some help or solutions, but if not then it may serve only to "CYA" when the inevitable happens. Some things are simply beyond the control of what a caring person can do.

I'm just wondering why you are so afraid of your mother? what can she do to you?

I just moved my 90 year old mum to assisted living. She DID NOT WANT to go and she never would have made the decision to go. They 'want to die in this house!"
If you are her sole caretaker (and it sounds like that is the case, if brother won't do anything). My suggestion is to set an appointment to go see a personal care facility. Check out a few close to your home. When I was looking for personal care for my mother, I made sure that I walked the halls and spoke to the residents!! Believe me they will tell you the truth, of what they like ad what they don't!!Make an appointment with one that you like and TELL Mum this is what "you are going to do on thurs". She won't like it, but it's 'tough love' in reverse. Leave her for the day. Go to your part-time job. Have her stay for lunch and try an activity.. Believe me the staff at the personal care has heard ALL the stories before. You are not alone. There are many people in the same situation as you are!. Good luck and God Bless.

Stella, I have my mother living with us and she drives my wife up the wall. Tension and fights between them have got my marriage in a bind. Today we are going to check out assisted living for Mom (without her) and in the end I know she will have to be forced to move but it is coming down to either my wife or my mother are going to live here but not both. I know my inheritance will go to pay for her room but I am beyond caring about that. My mother has two brothers who live 200 miles away that are not helping. Do it, look into a good living arrangement for her so at least you know what your options are.

I am in a similar situation to you. Mom has been living with me now, for nine years. She goes hysterical if I even mention the word home, she is just as adamant about me bringing any "strangers" into the house to help out. It is taking a toll on my own health ( and sanity ) but there is little I can do. If I bring in someone, she will be verbally abusive, and possibly hit them. If I put her in a home, I'm sure she would be totally uncooperative. It's rough, when you are faced with this. I sure wish you luck.

Is she living in her own home? If so, you may very well want to try using her money to hire in home care. This would take the stress off of you.

If she's living with you, this is where you're going to have to decide what you really want to do. If you really don't want her living with you, you're going to have to tell her that you just can't do it anymore and explain to her that she's going to have to be relocated because is tearing your family apart. If you have physical limits, you can also explain that to her, especially if you've ever hurt yourself lifting her if this is the situation. You really don't want to injure your back because you can have problems later in life from a back injury. I'm speaking from experience because I badly hurt my back at a young age and I've been having back problems pain since that injury. I since discovered I have lumbar arthritis and I have some physical limits that limit how long I can stand at a time. You don't want the later in life consequences of a back injury if you're lifting this person, and it's up to you to put your foot down hard and start speaking up and firmly standing your ground. What you can do is get her into physical therapy and they can get her to build up any weak muscles. Occupational therapy can help her to be able to do somethings for herself. Combined with physical therapy, you may actually get her to be able to once again care for herself. It seems like these days even hospitals are finding clever ways to get people back on their feet much faster than in times past because now patients are in and out of hospitals much faster than before.

I think your mom probably needs more help then you're able to give her. Explain this to her, and via it just wouldn't be right for you to continue trying to do what you say just can't do, especially if it's taking a toll on your body. You may as well say that taking care of an adult is often more like taking care of an adult baby, and this is really what many cases amount to. Many people out there just don't want that kind of responsibility whereas others are just not cut out for it.

It sounds to me like it's time to give her the ultimatum and set some boundaries because what I'm picking up is that she would much rather someone wait on her hand and foot rather than to try to help herself (within reason).

You can say that the only way she can stay in your home is if she agrees to except in home health care to help with her care because you just can't do it by yourself.

Tell her that if she really doesn't want to go to a nursing home then she's going to have to put forth some effort and start helping with her own care. Explain to her that avoiding a nursing home comes with some responsibilities, and she has a responsibility if she really doesn't want to land in a nursing home.
This is where she must face reality because it's now up to you to give her the ultimatum, start helping herself to some reasonable degree or she goes to a nursing home no questions asked. What it all boils down to is either freedom she now enjoys or the nursing home where there's little or no freedom, the choices hers