Mom has refused to consider a nursing home. What can I do?

Have you considered going to court and becoming her guardian and forcing her into a nursing home? Sometimes this is the only alternative left when all else has failed. This is what happened to a couple of people I used to know, one of them I'm aware of having been taken over by a court appointed guardian who took over everything and put the elder into a nursing home against his will because he was in competent due to dementia. I recently saw the person at the nursing home, and this person is definitely not the person I used to know when he was in his right mind, he's just not in there no more, the person I once knew is just not there, it's just not him no more.

You need to escape. Tell bubba you are taking a vacation and he's going to be in charge of Mommy. Write down all the routines, notify everybody of the date you are leaving. Including her doctor. The leave for six weeks. I bet things will be better upon your return. Our elders must hot hold us captive as caregivers, guilting us into giving up our lives. [even if you take a 3 day vacay to a local resort]. Leave your cell phone off. Or accept a job in another state and tell bubba it's his turn for a couple years now. My demented mother, in saner days, used to say "if you don't want to get walked all over, stop being a rug and get up off the floor".

Put her in a nice place. She can't live alone any more, and you can't be expected to run what is basically a puppet show with a old woman sitting watching Judge Judy and the Kardashians multiple hours a day, with bathroom breaks if you're lucky. . Do it. What is she going to do, sue you? Call in tough guys to beat you up? Call a taxi to take her to Disney World? Once the situation is resolved, believe me, it will be like an elephant has stepped off of your chest. You will want to LIVE again. I can't describe it. When I moved heaven and earth to get my mother into a nursing home where she belonged, I began to see the light - a few precious more years of health and happiness ahead of me until my OWN decline. I feel bad for mom's situation, but she doesn't even know where she is now, and is having as swell of a time as is possible when green jello is the highlight of the day!

Richard, I am feeling such sympathy for you and your wife. I was fortunate that my mother went from IL to AL. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have her live with my husband and me, no matter how much I loved her. Too many of us "young seniors" are having our own health and retirement burdened with the physical responsibility of caring for older seniors.
It sounds like you have no choice but to tell Mom you can't take care of her any more and then take her to visit a few AL facilities and let her pick one (or you will pick it for her) Then move her. Your marriage and health comes first. Dealing with the guilt is hard and dumping guilt is how they maintain some level of control over us. Just remember that when you get do her moved, she will adjust and will make friends (mine did). Be prepared she will bitterly complain and make you think she is miserable, but she will enjoy herself and have a life of her own when you are not there.
My mother played the merry-go-round with us in IL for years. She acted like she was absolutely suffering, then one time she gave herself away. (I had taken her to lunch, we got to the AL, she saw a friend and threw a "goodbye" to me over her shoulder and left me standing there while she bustled off.
We moved her to IL when she was 92! Good luck. You deserve a happy retirement.

I am in the midst of moving my mother to AL from our home. I know the guilt that we all express in our answers. I am up at 3AM writing this because I can't sleep. We are active seniors and took my mother in after her sister died last year. It was a mistake. We should have moved her directly to AL. Now a year later we are afraid to leave her alone even though she insists she is ok. At 91 she moves and thinks very slowly, cannot handle minor emergencies, and has trouble using her cell phone. If there were a fire in the house when we are not here she would never get out. We have a neighbor who looks in on her, that helps but only so much. My mother went ballistic when I told her we are afraid to leave her alone and want her to go to a nice AL near here. She flatly refuses to cooperate, will not agree, will not. She has about 3 - 4 years of money before Medicaid thanks to my aunt's will. Now we are at the stage of cold politeness as you would treat someone you no longer trust. It is very hard. This morning I am going to tell her she has a doctor appointment for her entry physical and this will trigger another fight. My mother blames my wife for wanting her gone which is partially true. The tension and confrontation in our house came in with my mother. Still, we are concerned with her welfare and want her to be a happy community participant and not a resented sullen old lady. The burden of having a happy retirement, saving a good marriage, and taking care of my mother are on me. Reading everyone's answers here helps with the guilt. Take care of yourself first and see to your mom's needs second. None of us are getting any younger and you deserve a life too.

i just don't understand how anyone could care for someone so abusive especially life long. duty for what? misery? anyway....im very sorry that she treated you and your father like that! im glad you are free of her!! you are a much nicer person than i am. take care!

lifeexperiences I took care of my mother purely out of duty. I'm an only child, there is no other family and she had no friends. Life long my father and I trod on eggshells, bent over backwards and jumped through hoops to make her happy but nothing ever made her happy and she treated us like dirt. She never lifted a finger to help her elderly parents and when her mother passed she refused to help her father because it "would be too much trouble" and never spoke to him again. To this day I don't know if grandma was buried, cremated or ...

I've had several months since she passed to go over things in my mind and I've come to the conclusion that my mother was mentally ill life long. I cared for her purely out of duty and now I can get on with my life. One door closes, another door opens.

Casey! So sad that seniors have to suffer so much as they age....but im soooo happy for you!!

Casey, you have just been handed a gift. Talk to discharge planning at the hospital and get her into a rehab facility that also has long term care, and that takes Medicaid. In our case, similar situation, the discharge planners wanted to know all about mom's finances. They explained that they needed to figure out how long she could private pay before going on Medicaid. That really determined which facilities were the best fit for her upon discharge.

Change is hard for the dementia-affected brain. If you don't have to move your mom after rehab--if she can stay in the same facility for long term care, that is a real boon.

What a difference a day will make! I wrote the other day about getting a respite service to come in so I could look for a nursing home for mom and take care of some personal business of my own. Well, as the universe will have it, the day the representative came for me to sign the papers, mom fell as the rep was coming up the sidewalk. We were able to get her to a sitting position but she was in serious pain in her leg. I called 911 to transport her to the hospital because I wasn't sure if she broke anything. Turns out that the county mom lives in just changed their EMT procedures the day before. The fire department responded immediately but we had to wait an hour for the ambulance to arrive. According to the fire department, they arrive only to assess the situation and make a call for an ambulance. However, if the call is non-life threatening, the responding ambulance can be diverted for a life threatening situation and you then fall into a queue for the next available ambulance. Which in this case was half an hour away! One of the firemen pulled me to the side and said his piece about the new procedure and recommended I contact the county to voice my opinion....which I plan to do! After all this and hours later, mom was admitted for a fractured femur and expected to be hospitalized for a few weeks. After all my struggling with how to handle respite care, the universe decides for me! At 5:30 this morning I receive a call from the hospital that mom is very confused and demanded to know where I was. I tried talking with her, but she was suspicious of who I was on the phone. I know this is just the beginning of a new series of hurtles, but at least I have the mobility now to look into the best possible care I can find for her. Thanks for letting me give voice to my jumbled thoughts and to those of you who are in similar situations, the answers may come in unexpected forms!

ashylinn....why did you take care of your mother if she was so abusive???

JoAnn is right, the decision may be taken out of your hands if your Mom has a serious medical condition and needs to be hospitalized.... next step assisted living or continuing care facility.

That is how life changes were made for my parents. Mom was hospitalized after a very serious fall and lived in long-term-care for a few months, then passed. Right after she passed, Dad was ready to call the movers as he wanted to go immediately into senior living, and put the house up for sale.

I liked what someone said the other day. They had placed their Mom in a care unit and was able to visit and enjoy her. Instead of the constant care, being tired and not having a life. This hit home. My Mom is easy but I'm tired of being the meany. And the one who is left to do it all.

I agree, the decision may be taken out of ur hands. If she is ever hospitalized, thats when u tell Social Services she needs to go to a nursing facility.

The couple for whom I was given POA for their finances and health care didn't want to leave their condo, either. The husband couldn't see his wife's decline with frontal temporal dementia even when she became incontinent and started to wander and needed 24 hour care. I finally convinced him that they needed to go to a memory care apartment. When a man came to look at their furniture so he could get the amount of help he needed to make the move, the husband had forgotten he had agreed to this and said: "I don't want to go to an institution!" The mover replied: "You aren't going to an institution, you are going to your own apartment." And when he understood that he would be doing this for his wife's sake and it was not a reflection on his abilities, he got on board. I figured they had enough assets to pay for 3-4 years of the memory care apartment at some $7,000 a month. Their monthly retirement income doesn't stop and there is IRA money to tap and the money from selling their condo. When all is used up, there is also veteran's benefits to begin. The assisted living place agrees to take public financing once they've been there 18 months. We can do that easily. They were happy with the move and after the wife passed, the husband was quite happy to stay there. He enjoys the food and his meal companions and spends the rest of his time back in his apartment watching TV and reading the paper. He never liked games and is proud, so if the activities are hard for him to follow, he would rather not participate than be found lacking. I am taking care of everything else and am just relieved that he wants to stay where he is. I explored the options with different AL places and found one that had a choice of 2 bedroom, 1 bedroom and efficiency apartments in their memory care floor--the only one set up to accommodate a couple instead of just one person. And I was amazed at the help that I found to make good decisions and make the move and monitor their care. Good luck to you on this journey. May you find the good help that I did by investigating options and reaching out.

casey, good job!! Yes you have to do this, keep working past the guilt. Other folks have mentioned bringing in the agency for an 'interview' first, that may help.

Hi stellakat. Your post sounds amazing like my situation, and many others out there probably. I'm at a crossroads myself in dealing with mom's dementia. I have been her primary caregiver now for the last 17 months...moved in with her and have my son living in my home. I refuse to sell my house and move here permanently since it isn't a state in which I wish to spend the rest of my life. Mom is also disabled and hard of hearing. She refuses to wear a hearing aid and will play the "I can't hear" card when it's to her benefit. Being stuck here 24/7 is taking it's toll on me, so today I finally called a home respite service to come in 2 days a week. I need this time for me as well as her and to look for a nursing home for her. She has refused to move up to my state with me so now the choices are more limited for her. I'm actually looking forward to some time to myself to re-energize and get my head back together. My guilt is overwhelming a times, but I need to remember this is not a disease in which she can recover and that unfortunately, soon she will not even remember any of this taking place. So I need to remain healthy. One brother helps when he can, the other, no such luck. He would rather help his wife's family than his own. So, majority rules, the brother that is here agrees with me and respite will be called in for help. I'm definitely not looking forward to the confrontation when I tell her someone will be "babysitting" her while I'm out. But, one step at at time. Best of luck to you, you can do this! We are all in this together and in that, I find comfort and hope you will too.

If you are leaving your mother alone to work part-time, you know she has dementia, and if something happened to her, then you will really feel guilty because you did not exercise "due diligence" in her care. Everyone says they don't want to go into a nursing home, but with a person who has dementia, what makes you think she is thinking in her best interests? You have to be the sane adult here and if you cannot handle all the responsibilities that go with caregiving, then you need to consider letting professionals take care of her. No one will "blame" you if you cannot do this monumental task, it is not for everyone. It seems to me you have reached your breaking point, and it is time to consider placing her with others. Try a home with 10 residents with a full-time staff, and she might like that. You will not know until you try it. But, you need to either get respite or find her another place to live. What if she fell or choked while your were working? Something to consider...

I just moved my 90 year old mum to assisted living. She DID NOT WANT to go and she never would have made the decision to go. They 'want to die in this house!"
If you are her sole caretaker (and it sounds like that is the case, if brother won't do anything). My suggestion is to set an appointment to go see a personal care facility. Check out a few close to your home. When I was looking for personal care for my mother, I made sure that I walked the halls and spoke to the residents!! Believe me they will tell you the truth, of what they like ad what they don't!!Make an appointment with one that you like and TELL Mum this is what "you are going to do on thurs". She won't like it, but it's 'tough love' in reverse. Leave her for the day. Go to your part-time job. Have her stay for lunch and try an activity.. Believe me the staff at the personal care has heard ALL the stories before. You are not alone. There are many people in the same situation as you are!. Good luck and God Bless.

My FIL has lived with us for the past 12 years too, and he got to the point that he was declining physically from lack of exercise, after giving up driving, which used to keep him active, doing his banking, and grocery shopping. So for 18 months or so, his muscle mass atrophied from complete lack of movement. It got to the point of an ultimatum, as I told him that I will not take care of you if you should become bedbound! So we had his Dr order PT, and OT, plus a shower aide. 6 weeks later, What a change! He is now making his own breakfast and lunch, doing his exercises pretty faithfully, and has really improved! Sometimes we have to put the threat of NURSING HOME out there, just to motivate them! I'm thinking that we may even be able to go away overnight again later this summer, if he continues this slow but steady improvement, like we used to! Your house, Your Rules!

Is your mother still mentally alert? Does she have any dementia? It's tough when they are still mentally sharp and cognizant. If she falls and goes to the ER or in the hospital, that's when you can talk to a social worker about putting her into a facility. How? Tell them 'I can't take her home. She is unable to live on her own and I can't take care of her needs any more.' The hospital will argue and try to intimidate you, threatening to bill you $3000 a day (they did that with me. Luckily, I was in no way responsible for my mother's bills, they would have taken her money and so enabled her to qualify for Medicaid). You have to do what is best for not just your mother but for you. Consider your own needs and health, you can't go on being her caregiver forever! And she will adjust to a facility, more or less. You can visit. She will receive better care than one exhausted person can provide, meals every day, and if she falls they will be there to pick her up. Because what kind of life does you mother think she is living in her house, all alone, dragging herself to the bathroom and back, and spending the rest of her time in front of the tv or in bed? She won't be throwing any family dinner parties, or going to church or out shopping with friends, or planting a garden. Her time in her house is at an end! Hard as it is to consider, unless one has a big house, lots of money, and a dozen loving jolly sons and daughters all lined up to put depends on your old butt and dance attendance upon you 24/7...time to move on. (My own mother was very badly off indeed, she is in a nursing home now for 2 years and is doing splendidly. Her health is fine, though she can't tell you where she is living, she likes it there and can be active or keep to her room as she likes. but YMMV.) Good luck! Be brave, do what needs to be done, it's a process, so start it now.

Is she living in her own home? If so, you may very well want to try using her money to hire in home care. This would take the stress off of you.

If she's living with you, this is where you're going to have to decide what you really want to do. If you really don't want her living with you, you're going to have to tell her that you just can't do it anymore and explain to her that she's going to have to be relocated because is tearing your family apart. If you have physical limits, you can also explain that to her, especially if you've ever hurt yourself lifting her if this is the situation. You really don't want to injure your back because you can have problems later in life from a back injury. I'm speaking from experience because I badly hurt my back at a young age and I've been having back problems pain since that injury. I since discovered I have lumbar arthritis and I have some physical limits that limit how long I can stand at a time. You don't want the later in life consequences of a back injury if you're lifting this person, and it's up to you to put your foot down hard and start speaking up and firmly standing your ground. What you can do is get her into physical therapy and they can get her to build up any weak muscles. Occupational therapy can help her to be able to do somethings for herself. Combined with physical therapy, you may actually get her to be able to once again care for herself. It seems like these days even hospitals are finding clever ways to get people back on their feet much faster than in times past because now patients are in and out of hospitals much faster than before.

I think your mom probably needs more help then you're able to give her. Explain this to her, and via it just wouldn't be right for you to continue trying to do what you say just can't do, especially if it's taking a toll on your body. You may as well say that taking care of an adult is often more like taking care of an adult baby, and this is really what many cases amount to. Many people out there just don't want that kind of responsibility whereas others are just not cut out for it.

It sounds to me like it's time to give her the ultimatum and set some boundaries because what I'm picking up is that she would much rather someone wait on her hand and foot rather than to try to help herself (within reason).

You can say that the only way she can stay in your home is if she agrees to except in home health care to help with her care because you just can't do it by yourself.

Tell her that if she really doesn't want to go to a nursing home then she's going to have to put forth some effort and start helping with her own care. Explain to her that avoiding a nursing home comes with some responsibilities, and she has a responsibility if she really doesn't want to land in a nursing home.
This is where she must face reality because it's now up to you to give her the ultimatum, start helping herself to some reasonable degree or she goes to a nursing home no questions asked. What it all boils down to is either freedom she now enjoys or the nursing home where there's little or no freedom, the choices hers

I am in a similar situation to you. Mom has been living with me now, for nine years. She goes hysterical if I even mention the word home, she is just as adamant about me bringing any "strangers" into the house to help out. It is taking a toll on my own health ( and sanity ) but there is little I can do. If I bring in someone, she will be verbally abusive, and possibly hit them. If I put her in a home, I'm sure she would be totally uncooperative. It's rough, when you are faced with this. I sure wish you luck.

Once again, your first call needs to be to the Area Agency on Aging. They will set up an appointment and speak directly wit your mother. They will outline a plan after they make an assessment of her needs. If she is cognitively able, she will participate in a plan that makes sense for her. She will realize then when you say you can't take care of her any longer, you mean it. If the plan is residential care, it won't be your decision, but the agency's. You will be off the hook.

There will come a time when the decision will be made for you, probably in the form of a major fall which puts her in hospital. That was the way it went with my mother. She had parkinsons, dementia and had a number of strokes over the years. She refused to use a walker in the house and got around hanging onto walls and furniture, falling frequently. In the end she fell twice in one night, first during the evening, then at 2 a.m. I found her in the den, out of it, in a pool of blood and called an ambulance.

I could no longer care for her alone 24/7. After a month in hospital I got her into a lovely nursing home. She hated it, everyone in it and especially me, and spent the next 3 years hiding in her room, ranting, raving and thinking of who she could find to put her in a sumptuous house and wait on her hand and foot for free as she was so entitled.

Daily screaming abusive phone calls drove me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. I changed my phone number and made it unlisted though I continued to visit 3 times a week and run her errands. She passed last fall. She had no friends, having run them off over the years and she died alone. She had been the mother from hell all my life and when she passed I felt nothing, just a huge sense of relief. I sold my home, gave up my career and moved 200 miles to live in her dark cold basement and care for her for four horrendous years. I'd had to give up most of my furniture. All I had left was my old dog and when he died I seriously considered suicide as the only way to get away from her once and for all. I have no regrets. It's taken time but I'm slowly getting my life back.

I'm just wondering why you are so afraid of your mother? what can she do to you?

Stella, I'm so sorry to read of your situation. So many of the words you use are concerning. In truth, we teach people how to treat us, and it's sad that you're a grown woman so intimidated by your mom and feel you can't make a decision that could be in both your best interests without crushing guilt. My mother had to go into a nursing home, it was both our greatest fear, but it was absolutely unavoidable. But my mother wouldn't have ever put guilt on me about this. None of us know what is to come for us, our situations can change to being completely unmanageable, and a nursing home becomes the only option. No one should extract some kind of promise to "never" do it. Never is a long time, and life can throw some huge curves we can't see coming. I hope you, and the others dealing with this, can get to a place of looking at the whole picture, and everyone's best interest, including your own, and making a decision that's rational and sound, not driven by guilt and intimidation. Best wishes

Stella, I have my mother living with us and she drives my wife up the wall. Tension and fights between them have got my marriage in a bind. Today we are going to check out assisted living for Mom (without her) and in the end I know she will have to be forced to move but it is coming down to either my wife or my mother are going to live here but not both. I know my inheritance will go to pay for her room but I am beyond caring about that. My mother has two brothers who live 200 miles away that are not helping. Do it, look into a good living arrangement for her so at least you know what your options are.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but because some elders get to a point at which they refuse to do anything for themselves (things they are still capable of doing but won't), and also refuse to accept outside help, the only alternative left is that they will fail and die sooner than they might have otherwise. (The horse led to water but refuses to drink eventually dies of thirst.) When this happens and you've done all you can, then you cannot feel guilty for what you couldn't control or prevent. Contacting Adult Protective Services, etc. may provide some help or solutions, but if not then it may serve only to "CYA" when the inevitable happens. Some things are simply beyond the control of what a caring person can do.

Have you ever considered an adult family care home? We moved my mother into one last october and it has been wonderful. They have 6 lady residents and take fantastic care of her. My sister and I live 5 mins away so we can pop in all the time. What state do you live in? If you private message me i can give you a site that may help. If i post the link here they will just remove it. Its an option that is affordable and has in our case been wonderful.