Mom has refused to consider a nursing home. What can I do?

Yes, a part-time job doing something you really enjoy will help with the sanity. That is why I continue to work mornings, it's like a "vacation" going to work :) Or try volunteer work, just as rewarding.

I see from your profile that your Mom had moved in with you 20 years ago after your Dad passed. Oh my gosh, that's a long time. What happens is that the parent once again sees you as the "child" and not as an adult, thus the elder continues to parent the "child" even though we know what we are doing.... [sigh].

Could Mom afford Assisted Living? Some places are like hotels, and she would be around people from her own generation. And she could make some new best friends.

Some elders, depending on their age, stereotype nursing homes as mental wards as that is how it was back generations ago. No way are they going to go there.

I like the idea of going back to work part-time, maybe while you are at work your Mom will start moving around as you aren't there at her beckon call.

I used. To be able to send a hug and a comment privately, but it seems I can't.

My in laws from days one have guilted my wife with "don't ever put me in a home' since she was a small girl. Her father passed and now her mom with Alzheimer's lives with us. The anxiety and tension in the house is strong, but manageable. It has been brought up that she should go somewhere. But the Alzheimer's and the costs make it very difficult. The only places she might even consider are private pay and way too expensive. So my wife works away from the home just to get time from her mom and has friends come in during the day to help babysit. It works out for now, but as her disease progresses my fear is that there will be no easy transition from the house to a nursing home, either for her or for us. I hope we can get her into an assisted place at least for a while so she can enjoy some independence.

Alzheimer's will reach a point where it is beyond what one person or several untrained, unprepared people can handle. Does she qualify for medicaid? Keep in mind how important it is for the caretaker to take care of themselves for around 40% die before the person they are taking care of does.

kuntrymike, the guilt that your MIL guilted and still guilts your wife with is emotional blackmail which is a form of emotional child and adult abuse. Does your wife recognize this? She needs therapy to help her out of the emotional dance that her mom trained her for and has in her. I would not worry about MIL's transition as I would worry about your wife's well being. This has gotten to have taken a toll on ya'll as a couple which is sad.

stella, this sounds so challenging. Another pat on the back to you for working part time! Find the county/state council on aging online, look for information and refs for in-home health care provider company... maybe you have other ways to search. Start having someone come in if you possibly can. Recruit your brother to help with expenses.

Please, do get a counselor so you can get some support on self esteem, practice dialog, etc. I have the same built-in fear of my mother but you can move past that so it won't prevent you from doing what you need to along the way. Good luck.

I know the stress, i had my mom with Alzheimer in our home over 8 years. The last 5 tears she didnt walk, talk, see and was incontinent. I fed her pureed food, sang to her, played music and got her to laugh. It was ROUGH,but she was a great Mom to me and she deserved it. Just lost her 2 months ago and I dont regret it at all. I was feeling at the very End if my rope and looking for a private room care place but it ended. So stressful yet no regrets. Hang in there, if she can go to the bathroom still you're golden so far, that wont last long.

Yes, they all guilt us about nursing homes. Unfortunately, either there becomes no choice, or the children end up providing 24/7 care and they end up with health issues. Its a tough choice.

Have you ever considered an adult family care home? We moved my mother into one last october and it has been wonderful. They have 6 lady residents and take fantastic care of her. My sister and I live 5 mins away so we can pop in all the time. What state do you live in? If you private message me i can give you a site that may help. If i post the link here they will just remove it. Its an option that is affordable and has in our case been wonderful.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but because some elders get to a point at which they refuse to do anything for themselves (things they are still capable of doing but won't), and also refuse to accept outside help, the only alternative left is that they will fail and die sooner than they might have otherwise. (The horse led to water but refuses to drink eventually dies of thirst.) When this happens and you've done all you can, then you cannot feel guilty for what you couldn't control or prevent. Contacting Adult Protective Services, etc. may provide some help or solutions, but if not then it may serve only to "CYA" when the inevitable happens. Some things are simply beyond the control of what a caring person can do.

Stella, I have my mother living with us and she drives my wife up the wall. Tension and fights between them have got my marriage in a bind. Today we are going to check out assisted living for Mom (without her) and in the end I know she will have to be forced to move but it is coming down to either my wife or my mother are going to live here but not both. I know my inheritance will go to pay for her room but I am beyond caring about that. My mother has two brothers who live 200 miles away that are not helping. Do it, look into a good living arrangement for her so at least you know what your options are.

Stella, I'm so sorry to read of your situation. So many of the words you use are concerning. In truth, we teach people how to treat us, and it's sad that you're a grown woman so intimidated by your mom and feel you can't make a decision that could be in both your best interests without crushing guilt. My mother had to go into a nursing home, it was both our greatest fear, but it was absolutely unavoidable. But my mother wouldn't have ever put guilt on me about this. None of us know what is to come for us, our situations can change to being completely unmanageable, and a nursing home becomes the only option. No one should extract some kind of promise to "never" do it. Never is a long time, and life can throw some huge curves we can't see coming. I hope you, and the others dealing with this, can get to a place of looking at the whole picture, and everyone's best interest, including your own, and making a decision that's rational and sound, not driven by guilt and intimidation. Best wishes

I'm just wondering why you are so afraid of your mother? what can she do to you?

There will come a time when the decision will be made for you, probably in the form of a major fall which puts her in hospital. That was the way it went with my mother. She had parkinsons, dementia and had a number of strokes over the years. She refused to use a walker in the house and got around hanging onto walls and furniture, falling frequently. In the end she fell twice in one night, first during the evening, then at 2 a.m. I found her in the den, out of it, in a pool of blood and called an ambulance.

I could no longer care for her alone 24/7. After a month in hospital I got her into a lovely nursing home. She hated it, everyone in it and especially me, and spent the next 3 years hiding in her room, ranting, raving and thinking of who she could find to put her in a sumptuous house and wait on her hand and foot for free as she was so entitled.

Daily screaming abusive phone calls drove me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. I changed my phone number and made it unlisted though I continued to visit 3 times a week and run her errands. She passed last fall. She had no friends, having run them off over the years and she died alone. She had been the mother from hell all my life and when she passed I felt nothing, just a huge sense of relief. I sold my home, gave up my career and moved 200 miles to live in her dark cold basement and care for her for four horrendous years. I'd had to give up most of my furniture. All I had left was my old dog and when he died I seriously considered suicide as the only way to get away from her once and for all. I have no regrets. It's taken time but I'm slowly getting my life back.

Once again, your first call needs to be to the Area Agency on Aging. They will set up an appointment and speak directly wit your mother. They will outline a plan after they make an assessment of her needs. If she is cognitively able, she will participate in a plan that makes sense for her. She will realize then when you say you can't take care of her any longer, you mean it. If the plan is residential care, it won't be your decision, but the agency's. You will be off the hook.

I am in a similar situation to you. Mom has been living with me now, for nine years. She goes hysterical if I even mention the word home, she is just as adamant about me bringing any "strangers" into the house to help out. It is taking a toll on my own health ( and sanity ) but there is little I can do. If I bring in someone, she will be verbally abusive, and possibly hit them. If I put her in a home, I'm sure she would be totally uncooperative. It's rough, when you are faced with this. I sure wish you luck.

Is she living in her own home? If so, you may very well want to try using her money to hire in home care. This would take the stress off of you.

If she's living with you, this is where you're going to have to decide what you really want to do. If you really don't want her living with you, you're going to have to tell her that you just can't do it anymore and explain to her that she's going to have to be relocated because is tearing your family apart. If you have physical limits, you can also explain that to her, especially if you've ever hurt yourself lifting her if this is the situation. You really don't want to injure your back because you can have problems later in life from a back injury. I'm speaking from experience because I badly hurt my back at a young age and I've been having back problems pain since that injury. I since discovered I have lumbar arthritis and I have some physical limits that limit how long I can stand at a time. You don't want the later in life consequences of a back injury if you're lifting this person, and it's up to you to put your foot down hard and start speaking up and firmly standing your ground. What you can do is get her into physical therapy and they can get her to build up any weak muscles. Occupational therapy can help her to be able to do somethings for herself. Combined with physical therapy, you may actually get her to be able to once again care for herself. It seems like these days even hospitals are finding clever ways to get people back on their feet much faster than in times past because now patients are in and out of hospitals much faster than before.

I think your mom probably needs more help then you're able to give her. Explain this to her, and via it just wouldn't be right for you to continue trying to do what you say just can't do, especially if it's taking a toll on your body. You may as well say that taking care of an adult is often more like taking care of an adult baby, and this is really what many cases amount to. Many people out there just don't want that kind of responsibility whereas others are just not cut out for it.

It sounds to me like it's time to give her the ultimatum and set some boundaries because what I'm picking up is that she would much rather someone wait on her hand and foot rather than to try to help herself (within reason).

You can say that the only way she can stay in your home is if she agrees to except in home health care to help with her care because you just can't do it by yourself.

Tell her that if she really doesn't want to go to a nursing home then she's going to have to put forth some effort and start helping with her own care. Explain to her that avoiding a nursing home comes with some responsibilities, and she has a responsibility if she really doesn't want to land in a nursing home.
This is where she must face reality because it's now up to you to give her the ultimatum, start helping herself to some reasonable degree or she goes to a nursing home no questions asked. What it all boils down to is either freedom she now enjoys or the nursing home where there's little or no freedom, the choices hers

Is your mother still mentally alert? Does she have any dementia? It's tough when they are still mentally sharp and cognizant. If she falls and goes to the ER or in the hospital, that's when you can talk to a social worker about putting her into a facility. How? Tell them 'I can't take her home. She is unable to live on her own and I can't take care of her needs any more.' The hospital will argue and try to intimidate you, threatening to bill you $3000 a day (they did that with me. Luckily, I was in no way responsible for my mother's bills, they would have taken her money and so enabled her to qualify for Medicaid). You have to do what is best for not just your mother but for you. Consider your own needs and health, you can't go on being her caregiver forever! And she will adjust to a facility, more or less. You can visit. She will receive better care than one exhausted person can provide, meals every day, and if she falls they will be there to pick her up. Because what kind of life does you mother think she is living in her house, all alone, dragging herself to the bathroom and back, and spending the rest of her time in front of the tv or in bed? She won't be throwing any family dinner parties, or going to church or out shopping with friends, or planting a garden. Her time in her house is at an end! Hard as it is to consider, unless one has a big house, lots of money, and a dozen loving jolly sons and daughters all lined up to put depends on your old butt and dance attendance upon you 24/7...time to move on. (My own mother was very badly off indeed, she is in a nursing home now for 2 years and is doing splendidly. Her health is fine, though she can't tell you where she is living, she likes it there and can be active or keep to her room as she likes. but YMMV.) Good luck! Be brave, do what needs to be done, it's a process, so start it now.

My FIL has lived with us for the past 12 years too, and he got to the point that he was declining physically from lack of exercise, after giving up driving, which used to keep him active, doing his banking, and grocery shopping. So for 18 months or so, his muscle mass atrophied from complete lack of movement. It got to the point of an ultimatum, as I told him that I will not take care of you if you should become bedbound! So we had his Dr order PT, and OT, plus a shower aide. 6 weeks later, What a change! He is now making his own breakfast and lunch, doing his exercises pretty faithfully, and has really improved! Sometimes we have to put the threat of NURSING HOME out there, just to motivate them! I'm thinking that we may even be able to go away overnight again later this summer, if he continues this slow but steady improvement, like we used to! Your house, Your Rules!

I just moved my 90 year old mum to assisted living. She DID NOT WANT to go and she never would have made the decision to go. They 'want to die in this house!"
If you are her sole caretaker (and it sounds like that is the case, if brother won't do anything). My suggestion is to set an appointment to go see a personal care facility. Check out a few close to your home. When I was looking for personal care for my mother, I made sure that I walked the halls and spoke to the residents!! Believe me they will tell you the truth, of what they like ad what they don't!!Make an appointment with one that you like and TELL Mum this is what "you are going to do on thurs". She won't like it, but it's 'tough love' in reverse. Leave her for the day. Go to your part-time job. Have her stay for lunch and try an activity.. Believe me the staff at the personal care has heard ALL the stories before. You are not alone. There are many people in the same situation as you are!. Good luck and God Bless.

If you are leaving your mother alone to work part-time, you know she has dementia, and if something happened to her, then you will really feel guilty because you did not exercise "due diligence" in her care. Everyone says they don't want to go into a nursing home, but with a person who has dementia, what makes you think she is thinking in her best interests? You have to be the sane adult here and if you cannot handle all the responsibilities that go with caregiving, then you need to consider letting professionals take care of her. No one will "blame" you if you cannot do this monumental task, it is not for everyone. It seems to me you have reached your breaking point, and it is time to consider placing her with others. Try a home with 10 residents with a full-time staff, and she might like that. You will not know until you try it. But, you need to either get respite or find her another place to live. What if she fell or choked while your were working? Something to consider...

Hi stellakat. Your post sounds amazing like my situation, and many others out there probably. I'm at a crossroads myself in dealing with mom's dementia. I have been her primary caregiver now for the last 17 months...moved in with her and have my son living in my home. I refuse to sell my house and move here permanently since it isn't a state in which I wish to spend the rest of my life. Mom is also disabled and hard of hearing. She refuses to wear a hearing aid and will play the "I can't hear" card when it's to her benefit. Being stuck here 24/7 is taking it's toll on me, so today I finally called a home respite service to come in 2 days a week. I need this time for me as well as her and to look for a nursing home for her. She has refused to move up to my state with me so now the choices are more limited for her. I'm actually looking forward to some time to myself to re-energize and get my head back together. My guilt is overwhelming a times, but I need to remember this is not a disease in which she can recover and that unfortunately, soon she will not even remember any of this taking place. So I need to remain healthy. One brother helps when he can, the other, no such luck. He would rather help his wife's family than his own. So, majority rules, the brother that is here agrees with me and respite will be called in for help. I'm definitely not looking forward to the confrontation when I tell her someone will be "babysitting" her while I'm out. But, one step at at time. Best of luck to you, you can do this! We are all in this together and in that, I find comfort and hope you will too.

casey, good job!! Yes you have to do this, keep working past the guilt. Other folks have mentioned bringing in the agency for an 'interview' first, that may help.

The couple for whom I was given POA for their finances and health care didn't want to leave their condo, either. The husband couldn't see his wife's decline with frontal temporal dementia even when she became incontinent and started to wander and needed 24 hour care. I finally convinced him that they needed to go to a memory care apartment. When a man came to look at their furniture so he could get the amount of help he needed to make the move, the husband had forgotten he had agreed to this and said: "I don't want to go to an institution!" The mover replied: "You aren't going to an institution, you are going to your own apartment." And when he understood that he would be doing this for his wife's sake and it was not a reflection on his abilities, he got on board. I figured they had enough assets to pay for 3-4 years of the memory care apartment at some $7,000 a month. Their monthly retirement income doesn't stop and there is IRA money to tap and the money from selling their condo. When all is used up, there is also veteran's benefits to begin. The assisted living place agrees to take public financing once they've been there 18 months. We can do that easily. They were happy with the move and after the wife passed, the husband was quite happy to stay there. He enjoys the food and his meal companions and spends the rest of his time back in his apartment watching TV and reading the paper. He never liked games and is proud, so if the activities are hard for him to follow, he would rather not participate than be found lacking. I am taking care of everything else and am just relieved that he wants to stay where he is. I explored the options with different AL places and found one that had a choice of 2 bedroom, 1 bedroom and efficiency apartments in their memory care floor--the only one set up to accommodate a couple instead of just one person. And I was amazed at the help that I found to make good decisions and make the move and monitor their care. Good luck to you on this journey. May you find the good help that I did by investigating options and reaching out.

I agree, the decision may be taken out of ur hands. If she is ever hospitalized, thats when u tell Social Services she needs to go to a nursing facility.

I liked what someone said the other day. They had placed their Mom in a care unit and was able to visit and enjoy her. Instead of the constant care, being tired and not having a life. This hit home. My Mom is easy but I'm tired of being the meany. And the one who is left to do it all.

JoAnn is right, the decision may be taken out of your hands if your Mom has a serious medical condition and needs to be hospitalized.... next step assisted living or continuing care facility.

That is how life changes were made for my parents. Mom was hospitalized after a very serious fall and lived in long-term-care for a few months, then passed. Right after she passed, Dad was ready to call the movers as he wanted to go immediately into senior living, and put the house up for sale.

ashylinn....why did you take care of your mother if she was so abusive???

What a difference a day will make! I wrote the other day about getting a respite service to come in so I could look for a nursing home for mom and take care of some personal business of my own. Well, as the universe will have it, the day the representative came for me to sign the papers, mom fell as the rep was coming up the sidewalk. We were able to get her to a sitting position but she was in serious pain in her leg. I called 911 to transport her to the hospital because I wasn't sure if she broke anything. Turns out that the county mom lives in just changed their EMT procedures the day before. The fire department responded immediately but we had to wait an hour for the ambulance to arrive. According to the fire department, they arrive only to assess the situation and make a call for an ambulance. However, if the call is non-life threatening, the responding ambulance can be diverted for a life threatening situation and you then fall into a queue for the next available ambulance. Which in this case was half an hour away! One of the firemen pulled me to the side and said his piece about the new procedure and recommended I contact the county to voice my opinion....which I plan to do! After all this and hours later, mom was admitted for a fractured femur and expected to be hospitalized for a few weeks. After all my struggling with how to handle respite care, the universe decides for me! At 5:30 this morning I receive a call from the hospital that mom is very confused and demanded to know where I was. I tried talking with her, but she was suspicious of who I was on the phone. I know this is just the beginning of a new series of hurtles, but at least I have the mobility now to look into the best possible care I can find for her. Thanks for letting me give voice to my jumbled thoughts and to those of you who are in similar situations, the answers may come in unexpected forms!

Casey, you have just been handed a gift. Talk to discharge planning at the hospital and get her into a rehab facility that also has long term care, and that takes Medicaid. In our case, similar situation, the discharge planners wanted to know all about mom's finances. They explained that they needed to figure out how long she could private pay before going on Medicaid. That really determined which facilities were the best fit for her upon discharge.

Change is hard for the dementia-affected brain. If you don't have to move your mom after rehab--if she can stay in the same facility for long term care, that is a real boon.