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My mother has dementia & currently lives alone & has no interest in moving into an assisted living/memory care facility. She now requires more help than I can give her & I found a great facility but she has stated "you might as well write my obituary if you move me to one of those places".

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I think you're right: assisting your father and returning home wouldn't be the right thing to do. The more you move seniors around, the more disoriented they can become. Your dad lives with your mom at the nursing home right now, isn't that right? I would suggest that you make him feel like there is no money problems, that the most important thing is for him to stay with your mom and help her because no one can do that like he can. You, separately, figure out the finances without concerning him about it. At his age, whether he's sharp or not, you should have medical POAs and financial POAs (and a Trust) in place already, and explain to your dad if you don't, what a problem you will have taken care of your mom if something were to happen to him.
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I have a question about my dad remaining in a NH in which he currently resides due to a fall. he desperately wants to go home. He is 91, does not hear or see well and is at risk for falls. Mother is in the same room with him at NH, She has dementia. He is worried about money and will need Medicaid soon if he stays. No one but him believes he should live alone in an old house. His mind is about as sharp as ever, but he does not see dirt or danger. He drove up until recently but will now be dependent on others for rides or be at home alone. My sister lives 2 hours away and I live in another state. We are trying to convince him that this should be his new mission, he should take the time to write poetry, minister to others in the home, etc., but his agreeing will be only because he cannot go home without our assistance. We feel assisting him would be irresponsible
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This is a tough situation. I have a good friend who had to put her mom in assisted living, but then she and her family ended up staying 24/7 because her mom needed too much assistance. Her mom stopped taking her meds, not in a stubborn way, but because she was ready to go and passed away within six weeks.

I know I don't want to be in a place where I feel lost and miserable and would rather pass away in peace. On the other hand, I don't have anyone to take care of me (single, son with a disability).

My mom has Alzheimer's. She has her name in for an assisted living facility and a nursing home. We have looked at a memory care unit. The assisted living facility already said they don't take clients with AD and the nursing home said if she wanders more than once, she will have to move. In my opinion, the best choice for her is going to be going straight to the memory care unit, but in her mind, she is years away from needing care "like those old people." Right now, she is very active at home and we are working on getting home health care for her blood pressure and to help with meds.

I enjoy reading these posts because everyone is so helpful and caring, but I cringe seeing what is probably coming in the future. I hope I haven't gotten too far off topic and I wish I had some kind of helpful answer, but all I can say to everyone is God Bless You!
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My mother had dementia, too, and after she lived with me and my family for 3 months I knew it would be better for all of us if she moved into assisted living. She was in the early stages of dementia and needed more independence, but could no longer live alone. How did I convince her? I started by typing up a letter explaining all of the reasons why it would be a good idea for her to consider assisted living. I knew that she would forget the reasons if I tried to talk to her about it over and over. She read and reread the letter and finally said "It makes sense. You're right." She was sad and depressed and angry, but she agreed to visit 2 assisted living facilities in our area--but not just with me. We invited 2 people she liked to go with us, so they could help her make a decision. I also had the support of Mom's doctor, who sat down with the 2 of us and told Mom that he was concerned about her living alone, and that it might be good to live close to me. After Mom visited the 2 assisted living places, she decided that she liked one place better than the other because she thought the staff were friendlier. We went with the place that she chose, so she could feel like she had some control over this decision. She then had 2 1/2 pretty good years in assisted living, until her dementia progressed and she needed more care. One word of warning about assisted living: it's not always appropriate for someone with dementia. If you can find a "memory care" assisted living facility, your Mom would probably receive better and more appropriate care.
--author, "Inside the Dementia Epidemic: A Daughter's Memoir"
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Oh, yes. {{{{hugs}}}
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Mthumser, if my mom was still living on her own I know in my heart I would be going through the same thing. My mom lives with me.....she fell and hit her a head a few years ago...... but sometimes I think she would be better off in an assisted living center. She has mild to moderate dementia.....is 74 years old. Some days I think she'd be better off being with others her own age for socializing, etc. That and family members could visit her when they wanted to. What holds me back is my fear of mom not being comfortable with the move and I worry about her dementia progressing faster in an assisted living facility. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I also think mom has gotten too comfortable sleeping in, watching TV all day long and basically letting the world pass her by. She refuses to even try visiting our local senior center once or twice a week just to see what it's all about.....but I haven't given up on that yet! And, I'm being completely honest, mom going to the senior center would be a break for me........I love my mom dearly but she is with me....in my home......24/7! Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
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I think mostly it is a fear of change. The thing is that everything else has changed around them, so what was once comfortable for them no longer fits. The community has changed, the house is in poor repair, and they are not longer able to safely care for themselves. Many will say they love their home, but the only thing resembling the home they once knew is the building itself.

My mother told me that she was going to leave me the house when she died. This is not a reward, because the house needs about $100K of work before it can be sold. I can't afford this, so I'll have to find someone who will buy it as is.
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I think a lot of times our elderly think that they only legacy they have to leave their children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren is their home. I think most often the kids don't want/need the house, but the parents just don't understand that. Yes, there are times when we all want to go back home, but that just isn't realistic most times. Sad, but true.
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Great way to take care of things, daisy001!
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I will never understand why you can't get some elders out of their houses even with a shoe horn. The community around them has changed, so they often don't really know anyone anymore. All their other friends have either died or moved away, some to senior communities. The bad thing about not wanting to move is that the solution that comes to mind automatically is for one child to donate his/her life so they can stay in their home. Most will ultimately need 24/7 care. One really has to question which is more important -- the life of the adult child or the parent staying in the home. Sometimes balance can be worked out. For the rest of us, there is AgingCare.com.
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Just to add another note-we just went through the motions [my husband and I] got the place, told her to try it, hired a mover, did not give any energy to her complaints and freak outs...and it happened. I guess because of the dementia she did not realize what was really happening. My mom is the most stubborn woman, always has been. Children have to be more responsible than the parents at this point in their life. Aging happens. And prayer helps
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My mother is the same way. My sister even offered to move in with her and help out with her care. The only person she wants is me in her home. I have my own home, job and family which I would never abandon to take care of my mother. I have DPOA, but unless she is deemed incompentent, which she is not, she has the right to make her own decisions. My mother has the right to make her choices, but not to deligate the responsibilities onto me. So the stalemate continues until circumstances change. Thanks mom for being so stubborn and obstinate!
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I would see if she can afford a live in home health aide to watch over her. This way she is in her home and has someone with her. If she doesn't have the financial means for the home health aide, then you may need to see if she has enough money for the alf to want to take her in. Most people do not want to move out of their home prematurely so I think your mother's reaction is normal.

It is a tough decision for your mother to make but might be justified if remaining in her home is not possible both physically and financially.

Elizabeth
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I love the positive outlook of the people who have answered here, but your situation depends a lot on your mothers personality.
My own mother appears to be okay to the casual observer, and most observers are casual. She does not form friendships, and spends most of her time with her younger sister (mom is 91, sister is 86). I have no one, I repeat no one to help me. I watch as mom pretends to understand what I just said, then ask her to repeat it. It's frequently skewed, or just plain wrong. Her self care is not good, adequate but not good. Her doctor may not be aware that she's still driving, so I need to figure out how to approach that.
Mom would hate assisted care and would probably never come out of her room. She is just not very friendly or accepting, and since she misses about 40% of what is said (not her hearing, we had it checked. It must be cognitive) she frequently has the wrong end of the stick about situations, people, conversations and I've noticed she can't even retain what's going on on Wheel of Fortune.
I feel your pain. I'm pretty burned out, it sounds like you are, too.
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When I was working in the nursing home, I was amazed at home many times people would drag their feet and REFUSE to go!! One particular lady comes to mind... She had finally broken a hip and HAD to be put in the nursing home for rehab. Even then, they practically had to force her to come. (Her grand-daughter even worked in the office there.) The first couple days she pouted in her room. Then staff finally convinced her to go out and join some of the group activities! SHE LOVED IT! I just had to lol. She said, "WHY didn't they let me come here YEARS ago??? It is soooo much fun! Much better than sitting alone at home, always someone to talk to. Fun games. Good food. No housework! :)

I have several stories similar. Perhaps just call and find out when they would have an activity that she could "help" with one day. Who knows, once she sees the fun and social part of it she might want to go on her own! :)
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Having just gone through a similar experience with my Dad, I would not FORCE her to go, but rather appeal to her and she is more likely to go willingly. Have her doctor talk to her about her physical condition, perhaps other people in the medical field can talk to her. They can point out the plus side of assisted living and the fact that she cannot take care of herself. Of course she won't want to hear it. Take her to see the facility and let her see that she CAN enjoy it there See if she will be willing to try it for a month or so, and once she is there she may see that she is not able to take care of herself at home. And she is THERE then, you won't be taking her home. Let her have an active say about where she will be. No resident of assisted living wants to be there, they don't mind saying so, but one they are there they are content. My Dad was adamant about not going, he had every argument in the book why he did NOT need to go. But he had to! He was mad and angry and depressed at first, but 6 weeks later he is happy and knows he will spend the remainder of his days there. When you are dealing with old people who have lost everything about their independence, I believe you should pick your battles and let them have as much say so as possible. It works better for me than getting into legalities and ugly arguments. Good luck and it will be as hard for you as it will be for her to make this move! It's not easy!
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My mom at 90 went into assisted living. I looked at facilities for a couple of years, alone and with her. She did not want to go either. Then when she visited she still said no, but when we got a deal too good to be true [price, location] I put a down payment and told her about it. I said - try it and if you don't like it you can come back to your home. She adjusted very well and has been there for 1 year now. She is so happy and busy I cannot get her on the phone most of the time. I feel she is safe, taken care of, and I am much less stressed. I also think her dementia got better, she is still confused with time, dates, names, but I think the socializtion and activities helped her brain functions. She has a purpose in life. When she was alone she drove [unsafe] spent lots of money out of boredom and did not eat well because she stopped liking cooking for herself. Plus my worry and concerns about safety. I think I did the best thing in my life for my mother!
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To get my mom to take the test for dementia/Alzheimer's, I just told her that she has something wrong with her brain and it wasn't working right. I said I wanted to find out what the problem was so I could help her. She went grudgingly, but she went. With that assessment. It gave me the final, legal proof that no one would argue with me when I exercise my POA. Actually, having this assessment is good since it also protects the seniors from persons who have POA and might abuse it. So, having the legal document that states that the senior is compromised with dementia/Alzheimer's makes like much easier for you.
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mthumser2000, I think your mom and my mom must be sisters! I am currently struggling with the same issue. Only my mother claims she will cry and cry and cry and then curl up and die if we move her out of her house. She too was diagnosed with mild dementia almost 3 years ago. Ferris1, it isn't that easy. Until the dementia gets so bad that a physician will sign off on the POA, we children are left between a rock and a hard place. We cannot just dump them off at a facility. We must have a signed POA to place them anywhere against their will. Until recently, I felt Mom would manage to pass any assessment and come away once again with the recommendation of in home help 2 or 3 times/week. I have an appointment for another assessment in October (family will be gathering for a wedding). We are hoping to walk away with an activated POA for healthcare.
So, I suggest to you mthumser2000 , find a place that gives thorough senior assessments and have your mother put through the examinations. I fibbed to Mom the first time and told her I was taking her for a physical. Well, it was a physical, with labs, but also many memory tests and cognitive tests. Good luck!
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I should have answered your question more directly: just as there is no point in arguing with or trying to reason with a dementia patient, it goes without saying that you also cannot "convince" them to do anything they don't want to do. When you make the decision that you must step in, you will find yourself practicing a tool I call therapeutic lying. There are other names for it such as compassionate fibbing but whatever you call it, its a switch from most peoples normal thinking of honesty being the best policy. No matter how you look at it, it unfortunately is not true for a dementia patient.
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Your mom sounds like she's past assisted living. I had to place my aunt then locked memory care because she struggled with wanting to go home. She was in psych eval because she threatened to kill herself every time someone wanted her to do something that she didn't want to do. She had alcohol dementia. The professionals quickly ascertained that her behavior was too self-protective to be a danger to herself and that her suicidal threats we're just that, threats.

I transported her myself to the locked facility, not telling her where we were going because it was upset her. The staff knew we were coming and we're prepared. When we drove up, my aunt said what's this. I told her I needed to drop by to see your friend. She said she'd wait in the car. I told her she couldn't because it was a dangerous neighborhood. She came in with me and the rest is history. She was angry for about a week, made some new friends, started having fun (she have been isolated like a hermit in her own home) and after about 2 months I was able to take her out to the park, lunches or dinner and a movie and return her back "home", what she always look forward to because they saved her dessert for her when I took her out. She was near death when I intervened and lived 6-1/2 yrs longer in health and safety until she suffered some strokes. It's a difficult decision to be responsible for taking away someone's freedom of choice, but when someone is no longer capable of making rational decisions, it has to be done. I had 6-1/2 extra years with her that wouldn't have happened without the intervention.
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Because my husband wouldn't agree to in home care, he ended up in a behavioral center, then a secure memory care facility/ALF, then the hospital, now a rehab/NH with hopes he can return to the secure memory care facility/ALF. He is incapable of logical reasoning. I had to make the choice before he hurt himself, me or someone else. Do you really want to find your Mom on the floor one day with a broken hip or worse? Tough love, yes, but it's what is best for her. I have heard this same thing so many times, and yes, there are those who just wither away and die because that is there choice. I have a friend going through that now. You have to be the strong one, the reasonable, logical one. Pray for guidance, talk to the social workers, call the Alzheimer's Association; get some guidance and help. It's out there, but you have to ask for it. Stay strong and do what is best for your Mom before it's too late. God bless you for caring enough about her to ask the question.
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Mom announced her imminent demise when she could no longer drive. We agreed that time was short and helped her write her obituary. When she attempts to manipulate and play the death card, just agree with her. "Yes, Mom, time is short. Do you have any plans for the funeral?" Work it through, it will help both of you if you plan it together.
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It is assumed you have all your mental faculties, and yet, you are allowing a mother with dementia to have a say in her care? Of course, no one WANTS to go to a facility, but when the mind can no longer care for one's body, then it is time to have others care for the whole body. Ask the doctor who has certified she has dementia to write an order saying she needs 24/7 care. If you have POA, go to the facility, sign her up for a room, and move her in. She will object of course, as anyone would, but then left alone, she will make friends and adjust. Her long term memory will kick in and soon she will like it at her new home. Good luck moving her!
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We went through the same thing with an aunt. She finally wound up in the hospital (via a welfare check) and the doctor's activIated her healthcare POA and she had to go. She loves it but would never tell family that. Now we have an ex-stepdaughter who has crawled out of the woodwork (thinks there is money to be had) and is causing all sorts of trouble. We're going through guardianship now. I would suggest you contact your local social services department for help. You're also going to have to get tough and perhaps withhold care so she will need a welfare check. None of this is going to be easy so brace yourself. The bottom line is that your mother needs a safe place to live so keep that in mind at all times.
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I don't know what state you live in, but if you mom has dementia and lives alone, and is not able to adequately take care of herself, the state will determine she can't care for herself and not allow her to remain in her home. I don't know what process they use to remove the senior from their own home, but they get it done somehow.
If your mom has the attitude that she'll die if she goes to one of those places, she just may do that. Many seniors, when placed in NHs, assisted living, etc just give up and die. However, if she discovers that it's a really nice place, with social interaction, activities, lots of nice people to care for her, she might change her mind. Just a few thoughts.
What stage of dementia is she in? It sounds like she's still very verbal and can express herself. Can she care for herself totally, or does she need help with cooking, dressing, etc?
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