MIL is 90 and I'm 67. MIL is still able to use her Rolator and is mentally pretty sharp but is passive aggressive and unhappy when I don't act like her maid, read her mind, and provide what she wants without asking. Husband, 65 still works all day and will not retire as long as she is at home.
Maybe your husband is not aware of how many caregivers fail to outlive their caregivees for just this reason - is that what he really wants, to be a widower with his mom expecting him to take over all her care? If not, something has to change. if so, something else needs to change. Sorry to be harsh, but you have a situation that has gone on 10 years too long and probably felt guilty or selfish for not just indefintiely and happily putting up with it...it needs to change and the change will only start by you insisting and drawing some lines, because everyone else's needs are well met by the status quo, at your expense.
Hopefully your hubby understands what is going on.... but he is hiding behind his job... good excuse, can't blame him.... I am hiding behind my job, too, and refuse to retire because it's my sanity and my job has now become my "vacation".
Sometimes you have to go *on strike* to be heard. Tell yourself today I am not going to do this, or that for mother-in-law.... she'll get mad at you, but she'll get mad anyway, but this time you have control :)
Does she complain to her son? Or does he turn a deaf ear to the whole situation? If he asks you why you didn't do this or that, just shrug your shoulders and say *I just do that any more*... time to hire help.
And if your Mother-in-law uses the guilt of saying she will take a shower while you are at the gym, so be it.... it's HER choice to take a shower and she needs to take ownership of HER choice should she fall. If she still grumbles about falling in the shower, ask her how would she feel having the paramedics seeing her naked as a jay bird because you would be calling 911. Sometimes a mental visual will make someone change their mind.
Where is your husband on these issues? I don't blame him for being at work, but what is his attitude toward your concerns?
When my twins were in college my husband decided he would rather me work at a physically strenuous job to pay their bills than take it from the investments that were supposed to be for college. He just couldn't part with the money so I worked the bad job. Hurt my back in the process. Then his Mom got really sick and they wanted me to drive 100 miles one way on Wednesdays to sit with her so the family would not,have to spend some of their money on care (they were quite wealthy too). To he*% with that. I said no. And when the twins finished college, I quit the crappy job. You have to stand up for yourself, no one else will.
What I know from having a husband who also was like yours when it came to mom is you have to be the one to say what you will or will not do. They just don't respect you enough to even think about what you need or feel.
Amen.
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