VTShan Asked November 2014
How do you cope when you're an elderly caregiver and MIL is healthier than I am?
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MIL is 90 and I'm 67. MIL is still able to use her Rolator and is mentally pretty sharp but is passive aggressive and unhappy when I don't act like her maid, read her mind, and provide what she wants without asking. Husband, 65 still works all day and will not retire as long as she is at home.
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Story from a very long time ago: My ex husband's grandmother lived with his parents until she moved out at the age of 84 to a kind of assisted living facility. This was in the late 70s/early 80s. She would call me everyday to give me the 'scoop' on what was going on within the family. She'd tell me that my husband' parents would go out, 'leaving me alone, never telling me where they're going', the whole nine yards. And of course, his siblings were just 'horrible' ...so, chances are not only is she living in your house, she's probably the family 'snoop' when you're gone, if she has access to a phone.
If there's nothing wrong with her mentally, perhaps she needs to go into assisted living and let you and your husband live your own lives. Ten years is way too long. And there's no need for it, especially if it's you with the burden. Did SHE lose ten years of her life caring for someone? And please don't give me the bit about parents caring for their babies and we owe them. Babies are a promise. Older people, not so much. Especially when they're cranky and bossy.
It's your house. He's at work. Lay down YOUR rules. And if she tells her son you're mean, you just say you never said such a thing. (boy, am I mean tonight)
If she's fine on her own, there is absolutely no reason why you have to be there for her. NONE. Just make sure she has all the stuff she needs to get herself a sandwich and whatever, then go do what you want to do and don't let her take over your life. I believe you're old enough at this point to be able to talk back. And it will not be your fault if she falls. Elderly people fall all the time. There are many who live alone and use walkers. Just lay out the consequences of falling and I can tell you she'll be careful she doesn't.
And if she demands a shower, tell her you'll call someone to come give her one because you have plans for that time of day. Guaranteed to work each and every time.
Amen.
I also think you need a "spa" vacation, someplace nice where you can relax, get a massage or two, not think about anyone but you. You have earned it.
You know this is a typical response that a child would come up with and yet this is a 90 year old adult. I'm just curious, does anybody really mature when we get older or do we remain spoiled brats all our lives? We are always told not to take these kind of comments personally, but how the h*ll does a person continue day in and day out and not take it personally. There is only so much crap a person can put up with before they explode and the guilt enters and makes it even worse. I truly wonder what the h*ll the purpose of living is when this is the future the majority of the human race is going to have to endure. Ain't life grand.
When my twins were in college my husband decided he would rather me work at a physically strenuous job to pay their bills than take it from the investments that were supposed to be for college. He just couldn't part with the money so I worked the bad job. Hurt my back in the process. Then his Mom got really sick and they wanted me to drive 100 miles one way on Wednesdays to sit with her so the family would not,have to spend some of their money on care (they were quite wealthy too). To he*% with that. I said no. And when the twins finished college, I quit the crappy job. You have to stand up for yourself, no one else will.
What I know from having a husband who also was like yours when it came to mom is you have to be the one to say what you will or will not do. They just don't respect you enough to even think about what you need or feel.
Where is your husband on these issues? I don't blame him for being at work, but what is his attitude toward your concerns?
Maybe your husband is not aware of how many caregivers fail to outlive their caregivees for just this reason - is that what he really wants, to be a widower with his mom expecting him to take over all her care? If not, something has to change. if so, something else needs to change. Sorry to be harsh, but you have a situation that has gone on 10 years too long and probably felt guilty or selfish for not just indefintiely and happily putting up with it...it needs to change and the change will only start by you insisting and drawing some lines, because everyone else's needs are well met by the status quo, at your expense.
And if your Mother-in-law uses the guilt of saying she will take a shower while you are at the gym, so be it.... it's HER choice to take a shower and she needs to take ownership of HER choice should she fall. If she still grumbles about falling in the shower, ask her how would she feel having the paramedics seeing her naked as a jay bird because you would be calling 911. Sometimes a mental visual will make someone change their mind.
Hopefully your hubby understands what is going on.... but he is hiding behind his job... good excuse, can't blame him.... I am hiding behind my job, too, and refuse to retire because it's my sanity and my job has now become my "vacation".
Sometimes you have to go *on strike* to be heard. Tell yourself today I am not going to do this, or that for mother-in-law.... she'll get mad at you, but she'll get mad anyway, but this time you have control :)
Does she complain to her son? Or does he turn a deaf ear to the whole situation? If he asks you why you didn't do this or that, just shrug your shoulders and say *I just do that any more*... time to hire help.