My dad was ill for years, hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7 in a hospital bed with my mom as his only caretaker until he died just 4 days ago. It's been very hard mostly on my mom and myself. Naturally the night she and I watched him die, I told her to come stay with me for a couple nights. Please note I have 3 kids and 3 step kids plus I work full time so I have a lot of demands on me. She has no room of her own because we have a 4 bedroom home and 8 of us living here already. When I asked her to come stay for a night or two I did NOT intend for her to move in. My mom is extremely talkative - when with her, you will get maybe 10 seconds of quiet at a time. I'm all she has now and I want to help her and be here for her during this hard time but I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. I'm an introvert and I NEED my home to be my quiet safe place to recharge with all the demands of my life but my mom has overtaken my home. I literally can't just go to the kitchen to get food or coffee..I have to have a long discussion with her every time. I did agree to let her stay a couple weeks after she was already here the first night so she could get her life in order after my dad's passing. Now she wants to stay indefinitely and I'm going to lose my mind. I can't break her heart anymore than it has already been broken. I really am a loving daughter and I really do care but I can't live like this indefinitely. PLEASE HELP! How do I handle this??
I really do think you need to get the rest of the family involved; I think having 6 kids in a house is one reason why you need your own space ( who wouldn't??) but your mother needs you now. Let the kids learn how to support that need for both of you.
I see dad died 4 days ago. 4 days is a blink. ( not to you, I'm sure) but she is still decompressing from caregiving, from grief and the like. Give it another week. But set boundaries for yourself. "Mom, i can't talk right now, need to decompress from work. How about after dinner?"
So what you're trying to do is accommodate YOUR shortcomings so you can help her more and make her life easier. Then she can view the situation as your attempting to adapt rather than push her away.
In the meantime, mobilize those children who are old enough to understand in helping to find ways to interact with her. There's no reason why they can't be part of the solution - go for walks with her, take her shopping, help with the meals to deflect attention from you...
It's important to get the kids involved now. You can even spur some self reflection by asking them to think of what their strong points are, and how they can use them to help Grandmother.
Try to look at the opposite side - unless she has somewhere else to live, try to think of ways that she can benefit from the children and they can benefit from her.
While you're hurting, so is she. This is a unique event for her, something that's changed her whole life. Whether it's a justified balance or not, you're probably going to have to be the one to make some compromises - you still have your husband, I presume, but she doesn't.
How old are the kids? Personally, I can't help wonder if 6 kids in one house isn't as much of a factor in the need for personal space as anything else.
Perhaps you could try setting aside some specific time for your mother, just the two of you, and let her share her thoughts. If there's a time she can look forward to, that at least helps her structure her interactive time with you.
What about when she returns to her apartment? Can the children stay witih her for say a weekend, just to provide company?
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