Follow
Share

My dad was ill for years, hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7 in a hospital bed with my mom as his only caretaker until he died just 4 days ago. It's been very hard mostly on my mom and myself. Naturally the night she and I watched him die, I told her to come stay with me for a couple nights. Please note I have 3 kids and 3 step kids plus I work full time so I have a lot of demands on me. She has no room of her own because we have a 4 bedroom home and 8 of us living here already. When I asked her to come stay for a night or two I did NOT intend for her to move in. My mom is extremely talkative - when with her, you will get maybe 10 seconds of quiet at a time. I'm all she has now and I want to help her and be here for her during this hard time but I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. I'm an introvert and I NEED my home to be my quiet safe place to recharge with all the demands of my life but my mom has overtaken my home. I literally can't just go to the kitchen to get food or coffee..I have to have a long discussion with her every time. I did agree to let her stay a couple weeks after she was already here the first night so she could get her life in order after my dad's passing. Now she wants to stay indefinitely and I'm going to lose my mind. I can't break her heart anymore than it has already been broken. I really am a loving daughter and I really do care but I can't live like this indefinitely. PLEASE HELP! How do I handle this??

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

38 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Will look into greif support groups. Thank you guys
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
See if the hospice can get Mom into a grief support group where she can talk as much as she needs to. It could be really good for her and take the brunt off of you. I needed to debrief big time after I lost my mom...my grief support group gave most of the time to the wives who had just lost hubbies, and I totally understood.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
PS Becca - sending you a huge hug and one for your Mom -
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
A few important thoughts here before actions are taken. This is your mother, annoying and exhausting as she may seem at this time - you will regret any action that isn't taken/received as kindly on her part. This is where it will get real tricky. It almost needs to seem that it is her idea. Manipulation - oh you bet but to her own good and that of the family dynamic. When people are grieving and both of you are grieving things are done and said that drive wedges or hurt when at other times would seem like just commonsense. - Talk it over with a few friends, a grief counselor, a minister, some your mom's friends. The last thing either of you needs at this time is to inadvertently hurt each other. Good luck - Praying for you both.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Becca, how are you doing?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Becca, 10 days, your almost to the finish line, once the funeral is over, give it 2 more days, of planning and discussing how this transition back to her home is going to go. You have been extremely loving and patient, but now she needs to figure out what it is that she would like to do moving forward. You, and maybe others, her siblings perhaps, can go back to her home, and start slowly clearing out some of the sad reminders of your Dad being sick, dying at home, all of the medical things like the bed, all of the O2 and meds, any of that sort of thing, plus all of the funeral flowers and cards, time to clear all of that stuff away. Find ways to clean and brighten up the place. Have a list of people and phone numbers that she can call, when she is lonely. Also, visit the senior center, and do some research online about volunteering or plan a weekend trip away, something she can look forward to. Maybe a friend or relative might like to book a mini cruise with her, or even a casino junket, those are usually pretty cheap, and easy to find online! Next up, clearing and donating your Dad's clothes, and maybe a little redecorating project. Your Mom is young and healthy, and loves to talk, so I'm guessing that she will fit right in to anything that peaks her interests, and will soon be finding new friends.
It's still early days yet, and you've been given loads of great ideas, and I'm sure that soon and with gentle incentives, she'll be realizing that a whole new world is opening up for her, and you to will be learning how to navigate through life without your Dear Dad in it! I'm so sorry for your loss, but in time, things will begin to get better for you both! Take care! You're a great daughter to be thinking and planning ahead!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I am like you and my mom is like yours. You are both grieving and emotional and my thoughts are with you. You both have lost such an important person in your life.

If your mom is like mine - she will likely try to make YOU her life. There are great suggestions on here about gently getting her back to her own apartment - that is what she needs. Does she have friends you can reach out to and ask if they will start inviting her out to things? My mom has few friends and that is why she wanted ME to be her friend in everything.

When my mom stays with me - I go nuts after a few hours. I can't retreat to my room because she feels like I'm ignoring her. What I do is my "normal routine" - I go for a long walk by myself, or to yoga, and I frequently extend this to sitting in a coffee shop reading. Recharge my batteries. I can't read with my mom around because she will talk anyway. but when she is talking - I can knit.

I sort of structure my day - X time with mom, X time my son & I playing card games with mom (those are fun!), X time walking, etc - so it isn't so open ended. I find it is easier if I get the conversational ball started. If I leave it to my mom - it is the same group of stories complaining about how awful my dad is (they divorced 25 years ago). I'll get my son and we'll play cards and i'll ask her questions - about my grandparents, her childhood, etc - my son loves it. She can talk and I can stand to listen.

I hope you can figure out a way to help with both of your needs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Set a firm date for her return to her own home. This is something you both need, she needs to take the steps forward into the next phase of her life and learn to be independent, you need to reclaim your own life. Of course she will be afraid and want to waffle on the time-frame, but neither of you can afford to have this go on indefinitely.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
She needs to go back to her apartment. Supposing staying with you hadn't ever been an option, what could have been done to help and support her in her own place? Maybe it would be best to retrace your steps and do whatever might have been done in that case.

She's got the rest of her life ahead of her. She'll do better if she starts out right on this new part of it. I hope that realising that it's for her good as well as your own sanity will help you feel better about looking for different options as soon as ever you can. It's the right thing to do for everyone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
We are on day 10 now and I am beyond stressed out. I used to take antidepressants and klonipin but was able to come off all meds 2 years ago. I have been more stable than ever especially in the last 6 months. I have tried to talk nicely to my mom about boundaries and how we are opposite in our needs such as her being so extroverted and me being introverted. I even told her I will lose my mind without my space. I really am on the brink...insomnia has kicked in. My nerves are completely shot. She acts like she understands but she continues to not comprehend boundaries. I can tell she is trying but it isn't enough. She can't help but step over boundaries. It's who she is. Then when you stand up to her she acts like she has done nothing wrong and plays the victim. It is to the point that if she stays after the funeral I will need at least valium. I just feel completely out of control of my environment. This is why I was freaking out as soon as she started staying with me. My husband says he is going to talk to her after we get back from the weekend of the funeral and tell her that if she can't follow house rules and boundaries, she needs to find a friend to stay with or go back to her apartment. I don't want to hurt her but this is my sanity at stake and a lot of people need me sane. Any advice??
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Not to excuse the over talking - many people I have treated in therapy over-talk because they are not in control of much in their lives, talking and keeping the person/people listening is a form of control over something. Connecting with a therapist can make your mother realize this problem and give her excersises to eliminate the bad habit - which probably has been lifelong.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Since she loves to talk and is talking a lot, I would listen to her for a certain time and then just say, well, I'm glad we went over that. Now, let's let it set in, rest our minds and then tomorrow, we can make some phone calls and explore the things you mentioned. Then do that so that her questions are answered and there's less to discuss. I would work towards helping her get established in her new place if that's what she is wanting to do.

I'm like you with all the talking. I just don't know how people talk so much. My parents and some other family members are BIG on talking. It's nonstop. I excuse myself and have told them repeatedly that I am just not into talking for hours on end. One hour is my limit, unless I'm having a glass of wine. lol Just kidding.

Does she have any friends that she can visit? My mom and her friends can talk for hours. They come and visit and sit and talk from 1:00 p.m. until 6:00 pm. Sometimes, they nap in the recliner a little, but keep on talking. They are all in their 70's.

My dad talks on the phone like crazy. He calls many of his old friends, classmates, colleagues every day to see how they are doing. They love it and thank him profusely for keeping in touch. They say nobody ever calls them, like my dad. lol

This topic came to my mind recently, when I was with my parents and other family members. I tried to say something several times, but each time was interrupted and not allowed to speak, because all of them just can't shut up. It kind of made me laugh. No WONDER I don't like talking with them. I can't get a word in edge wise.lol Is that what is happening with your mother? Does she listen to you?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Yes retreating to my room is basically what I'm doing now but I don't really like having to retreat to my room. Yes she has always been a talker but it is farrrrr worse now that he's gone. She talks about memories of him, her pain she is going through, funeral plans, and her plans of where to live and what to do next. These are all things she needs to talk about so I'm glad she is discussing all the hard stuff. I am just the type of person who...well my brain zones out and I get very drained and tired when I listen for a long period of time. Someone in an earlier comment mentioned it sounds like she has always been controlling. I'm not sure how you picked up on that but bingo! Very very controlling nature. She needs to be in control and she needs to be needed. I am very very independent...always have been. I really think the problem is when she is at my house, I feel out of control of my personal life...she tries to take over. Plus I feel out of control because I have to retreat to my room for quiet.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Becca, what does mom talk about? Do you and she talk about memories of your dad? Maybe mom's talking is solely to cover up grief over your dad. It may be too soon for her to even think about. And you the same. A social worker or grief counselor may help both of you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Becca, I know others have said this but it bears repeating: it's *four* *days*. Don't panic. There's nothing you need to do right now except let yourself mourn your father's passing and comfort your mother and kids.

Uh? Not think of yourself? No! Do! And give yourself a break while you're at it!

But God give you strength anyway. Hugs to you, keep updating.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Becca, I think I understand. You love your mom, but you feel as though you're being assaulted by the constant conversation. If you could get a little more peace and quiet, the situation would seem much more manageable. When my dad would visit for weekends, years ago, he talked nonstop (and was seemingly impervious to gentle hints that I didn't feel like talking). I was always completely exhausted by the time we took him home. Something that helped during those visits: after lunch I would retreat to my bedroom, ostensibly for a nap, and enjoy an hour or so of silence. But I don't think that occasional "naps" will provide the amount of peace and quiet that you need to recover from the trauma of losing your dad. I also don't think that letting your mom talk constantly, unchecked, will necessarily help her recover from the trauma of losing her beloved spouse. I like Babalou's suggestion of setting particular times to talk--possibly scheduling an hour after dinner to have a conversation about anything your mom wants to discuss. Also, as another poster suggested (I think it was Garden Artist--if I go back to the previous screen to double-check, I'll lose my post) it would probably be a good idea to explain your need for peace and quiet to your mom, presenting it as a personal need rather than a criticism of her. When your mom does return to her home, I certainly wouldn't send her alone. She may be afraid to be alone there for awhile and will probably need to have someone stay there for awhile, possibly even sleeping in the same room with her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I get where Becca is coming from. It can be very draining to give and give when your own tank is on empty. I wouldn't let things just set without setting boundaries either. She is grieving, but so are you. You are entitled to what you need in your own home.

You say that your mom talks a lot. Is that just how she is normally? I ask because people who are obsessive talkers are not likely to change and no amount of talking seem to satiate them. I know quite a few people who are that way. Good people, but the talk will go on endlessly. Your only escape is walking out of the room, since these people ignore all ques to cut it off and have no awareness that they have talked too much. IF your mom is like that, then just do the best you can, until she grieves a bit more. And work on getting her to talk to others. I might say, mom, I have a real need for down time for my own mental health. I have to have it, so after 8:00 p.m., I'm retiring my mind to just relax or some other schedule that works for you.

I would encourage her to visit with other family members and friends. Get her to call them as much as possible. Encourage her to write in a journal, join a support group, arrange her transportation to get there, encourage counseling, etc. As a caregiver she likely is still decompressing from her former role. I would gauge what time period that might take to adjust.

I would also set a time to help her return home and clean up the house. Get dad's things out of the house. She may need a lot of hand holding that for that. Do it on her time frame. Also, discuss her plans like if she's going to stay in the home, sell and get an apartment, etc. I'd point out that she's so young and has so much more to offer. Charity work could occupy her time.

Do you have room in your bedroom to set up a Keurig coffee pot, snacks, water, tv? I might set it up so I could close the door and have my down time. If she asks about it, say you value your privacy, so you are valuing hers as well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Rainmom, thank you for such understanding suggestions. Many of you are being very thoughtful and caring. Really good ideas. Thank you. I am praying for God to forgive my weaknesses, give me strength, and to not think of myself in this so much.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Before anyone starts throwing cyberstones at me, let me say where I'm coming from. My paternal grandfather died in a commercial airliner plane crash when my grandma was about 60 - grandma lived another 35 years. Grandma became good friends with three other older widows from the plane crash. For many years this group traveled the world together and had very active lives. When grandma got older and slowed down she still wanted her independence. Grandma lived on her own until her early 90's, then lived with her oldest sons family for a couple of years. But then grandma decided she needed more of her own space and moved at her choice into an AL apartment. Grandma would have missed what was a very full and active 1/3 of her life if she had not made the choices she did.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Becca- I get where you're coming from. I don't think you're being hard hearted or a bad daughter. You are being very self aware and in doing so you recognize that having your mom staying with you much longer could cause irreparable damage to your long term relationship- and your mother is relatively young with many years ahead of her when she will need you and you, her. Take a deep breath and suck it up for the two weeks. But at about the 10 - 12 day point try saying something like "It's almost time for us to start thinking about getting you resettled back in your home. It's going to be really hard for you, I know. I've been trying to think about ways to make it easier - things we can do. Have you given it any thought? We don't have to decide right now - but give it some thought and we can talk about it tomorrow night". When tomorrow night comes bring it up - see what her ideas are and go from there. If she has no ideas be prepared with one or two of your own - stuff like clearing up the area/room where your father passed - getting rid of old medications, etc. I wouldn't suggest big steps like moving to a 55+ community just yet - one big adjustment at a time and dealing with lossing her husband is big enough for now. Offer to stay the night at her place for a couple of nights - this may be tough for you to manage with your kids and all - but I think it's important as the first step has to be getting her back under her own roof. I say all of this considering what's best for your mother - period. At 65 your mother hopefully has a long time ahead of her - a lot of living to still do - she is much too young and healthy to be living her life through you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
One thing we have overlooked is the fact that your Mom was your Dad's prime caregiver for years, according to your original post. That in itself, for someone who is also a senior citizen, can be quite physically and emotionally exhausting.

At 65 one doesn't have the same energy or bounce back ability as someone who is 20+ years younger. Believe me I know, as I am 70 and was trying to oversee the life of my parents who were in their 90's, is not an easy task. In fact I had crashed and burned from all the stress. Being a senior is no picnic.

For someone who was a full time caregiver for many years, such as your Mom, it is hard for her to decompress back to a life she had before. She must miss your Dad dearly, but not miss all the caregiving that was involved. I know my parents never mentioned what was involved with both of them caring for each other, it wasn't until my Mom passed that my Dad said that the two of them were falling down the stairs on a regular basis... oh good grief.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Yes, the kids are very helpful when they are here. I only have my 3 kids half the time and he has his 3 every other weekend so it's not like they are all here all the time. It's still a lot of kids though! A lot of people need me. I DO NOT want any regrets with my mother, for SURE! I love her so much and I hurt for her so much. I had no regrets with my dad and I don't want to lose her one day and look back and regret how I handle this. Also, garden artist, as far as my husband goes...he has been working open to close..he is a retail store manager..for days. so he is unable to help me much right now. That is very sad. To go through the loss of my father and have him not able to be here. he wants to be here but can't.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I suggest that you and your mom attend a grief support session at a local church or hospital. I think it will be especially helpful to her to meet others who have similar sorrows. You go too, and get her started attending, so she will feel comfortable and then, let her go by herself. You might talk to the counselor there privately about whether or not to encourage her to move out now. Enlist the kids and your husband and other friends to include her, talk to her and give her something to do. Look into grief support groups where she lives, and see if she can transition to moving back to her house. She probably needs help clearing away your dad's things. This is a traumatic transition. It is one all married people will someday make. Be aware and sympathetic.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Also- please know I was not intending to kick her out or even discuss this with her after just 4 days. I'm seeking help with setting boundaries for the time she needs to be here....and also trying to find appropriate ways of discussing this with her when the time comes. I really like some of the ideas given so far, especially Garden Artists's ideas, thank you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Another thought - enlist the children to help a "support Grandma" project. Ask them to think of toptics to discuss, activities, etc. Perhaps one child can spend an hour or so with her on one evening, another child takes that activity for the next day, etc.

I really do think you need to get the rest of the family involved; I think having 6 kids in a house is one reason why you need your own space ( who wouldn't??) but your mother needs you now. Let the kids learn how to support that need for both of you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Are your separate needs for space and privacy really so insurmountable? I do understand that you've got 6 kids in the house and that's a challenge for anyone. But where's your husband in all this? Three of the kids are his - what help is he offering? There's no reason why he can't handle some of the childcare chores and allow you to spend some more time alone as well as with your mother.

While you're hurting, so is she. This is a unique event for her, something that's changed her whole life. Whether it's a justified balance or not, you're probably going to have to be the one to make some compromises - you still have your husband, I presume, but she doesn't.

How old are the kids? Personally, I can't help wonder if 6 kids in one house isn't as much of a factor in the need for personal space as anything else.

Perhaps you could try setting aside some specific time for your mother, just the two of you, and let her share her thoughts. If there's a time she can look forward to, that at least helps her structure her interactive time with you.

What about when she returns to her apartment? Can the children stay witih her for say a weekend, just to provide company?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Becca, I am glad to hear you say that. Our greatest satisfaction in life can be to help others gain their feet. A concern I had is that on down the road you would look back with regret. I suspect your mother will need a springboard to help her get into her next phase of life. She's still pretty young, so it may be nice to see her come to enjoy life again after you both have worked through the hardships and grief.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Becca, yes, you are right and you are entitled to have your home back. It is sad that mom isn't being respectful of your pain and grief but it sounds like she has always been controlling and perhaps lived away from 'normalcy' too long. Honestly call hospice ask if there is help for the situation, they may even help her get back in her own apartment.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I appreciate the comments and suggestions. Yes I know it seems probably heartless for me to being feeling this way after only four days and I can appreciate how that probably comes across. I do want to be here for her and I know that she is hurting deeply. I do have a deep need to have my own personal space. She and I deal with our grief in an opposite way. I deal with things alone and need that space. She deals with things by talking non stop and taking up everyone's personal space. It is not a good combination. She does have an apartment to go to but she doesn't want to be alone and it also is a sad reminder for her of their memories there. I do understand. I really do hurt for her and I am heart broken over my own loss of my father. I literally watched him die. This has been very traumatic for me as well. Normally when I deal with trauma and hardships, I deal with them alone but I am unable to get that anymore. I will not hurt her anymore so I will suck it up and deal with it probably for a while but at some point I will have to have my house back.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
If Hospice was involved during your dad's illness they will send a social worker to visit with your mom for up to 18 months - and perhaps as mom talks out the grief and PTSD of caring for your dad all the years it will help her get to a level of peace. The talking is just a way of gaining control over her fear and loneliness I think?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter