My dad was ill for years, hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7 in a hospital bed with my mom as his only caretaker until he died just 4 days ago. It's been very hard mostly on my mom and myself. Naturally the night she and I watched him die, I told her to come stay with me for a couple nights. Please note I have 3 kids and 3 step kids plus I work full time so I have a lot of demands on me. She has no room of her own because we have a 4 bedroom home and 8 of us living here already. When I asked her to come stay for a night or two I did NOT intend for her to move in. My mom is extremely talkative - when with her, you will get maybe 10 seconds of quiet at a time. I'm all she has now and I want to help her and be here for her during this hard time but I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. I'm an introvert and I NEED my home to be my quiet safe place to recharge with all the demands of my life but my mom has overtaken my home. I literally can't just go to the kitchen to get food or coffee..I have to have a long discussion with her every time. I did agree to let her stay a couple weeks after she was already here the first night so she could get her life in order after my dad's passing. Now she wants to stay indefinitely and I'm going to lose my mind. I can't break her heart anymore than it has already been broken. I really am a loving daughter and I really do care but I can't live like this indefinitely. PLEASE HELP! How do I handle this??
If your mom is like mine - she will likely try to make YOU her life. There are great suggestions on here about gently getting her back to her own apartment - that is what she needs. Does she have friends you can reach out to and ask if they will start inviting her out to things? My mom has few friends and that is why she wanted ME to be her friend in everything.
When my mom stays with me - I go nuts after a few hours. I can't retreat to my room because she feels like I'm ignoring her. What I do is my "normal routine" - I go for a long walk by myself, or to yoga, and I frequently extend this to sitting in a coffee shop reading. Recharge my batteries. I can't read with my mom around because she will talk anyway. but when she is talking - I can knit.
I sort of structure my day - X time with mom, X time my son & I playing card games with mom (those are fun!), X time walking, etc - so it isn't so open ended. I find it is easier if I get the conversational ball started. If I leave it to my mom - it is the same group of stories complaining about how awful my dad is (they divorced 25 years ago). I'll get my son and we'll play cards and i'll ask her questions - about my grandparents, her childhood, etc - my son loves it. She can talk and I can stand to listen.
I hope you can figure out a way to help with both of your needs.
It's still early days yet, and you've been given loads of great ideas, and I'm sure that soon and with gentle incentives, she'll be realizing that a whole new world is opening up for her, and you to will be learning how to navigate through life without your Dear Dad in it! I'm so sorry for your loss, but in time, things will begin to get better for you both! Take care! You're a great daughter to be thinking and planning ahead!