My dad was ill for years, hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7 in a hospital bed with my mom as his only caretaker until he died just 4 days ago. It's been very hard mostly on my mom and myself. Naturally the night she and I watched him die, I told her to come stay with me for a couple nights. Please note I have 3 kids and 3 step kids plus I work full time so I have a lot of demands on me. She has no room of her own because we have a 4 bedroom home and 8 of us living here already. When I asked her to come stay for a night or two I did NOT intend for her to move in. My mom is extremely talkative - when with her, you will get maybe 10 seconds of quiet at a time. I'm all she has now and I want to help her and be here for her during this hard time but I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. I'm an introvert and I NEED my home to be my quiet safe place to recharge with all the demands of my life but my mom has overtaken my home. I literally can't just go to the kitchen to get food or coffee..I have to have a long discussion with her every time. I did agree to let her stay a couple weeks after she was already here the first night so she could get her life in order after my dad's passing. Now she wants to stay indefinitely and I'm going to lose my mind. I can't break her heart anymore than it has already been broken. I really am a loving daughter and I really do care but I can't live like this indefinitely. PLEASE HELP! How do I handle this??
Jessie and Garden have good suggestions. Also, I experienced this with my son. When my husband died I went to stay with him - but I realized after a few days it was not a welcome situation with his wife - I left, unfortunately I had no where to go. After a bit I took an apartment but my feelings are still tender about not being welcomed and doing my grieving with out the comfort ( and you do give her great comfort ) of my family. Try to stick it out with creating a few rules. Maybe mom could find a job or perhaps a volunteer spot - but four days - is barely enough time to get her balance back. You are a great daughter for even suggesting she stay on - perhaps a redo of her old home then she could be there talking to the workers?
So what you're trying to do is accommodate YOUR shortcomings so you can help her more and make her life easier. Then she can view the situation as your attempting to adapt rather than push her away.
In the meantime, mobilize those children who are old enough to understand in helping to find ways to interact with her. There's no reason why they can't be part of the solution - go for walks with her, take her shopping, help with the meals to deflect attention from you...
It's important to get the kids involved now. You can even spur some self reflection by asking them to think of what their strong points are, and how they can use them to help Grandmother.
Try to look at the opposite side - unless she has somewhere else to live, try to think of ways that she can benefit from the children and they can benefit from her.
I see dad died 4 days ago. 4 days is a blink. ( not to you, I'm sure) but she is still decompressing from caregiving, from grief and the like. Give it another week. But set boundaries for yourself. "Mom, i can't talk right now, need to decompress from work. How about after dinner?"
Explain it to her politely after figuring out ways she can spend her time productively, whether it's in activities she's always enjoyed, at a senior center, at a library helping out or attending book club meetings or other activities.
Help her find something she enjoys doing. She's understandably lonely and wants the company of her daughter. But the first thing you need to do is open the lines of communication.