This has been an ongoing problem. My Dad gropes, swears and says the most awful things to his poor caregivers at his care facility. He has also done this to physical therapists who have been brought in to work with him (he's paralyzed on his left side and wheelchair bound).
I worry that this will cause people to dread caring for him and that they may avoid or neglect him - and I don't really blame them. He can be exremely foul and disgusting. He also swears and and calls the other residents names and yells at his roommate to shut up all the time.
We've done a little work with OT and speech therapy to get him to understand that this is not appropriate to no apparent avail. I don't like visiting him as I'm embarrassed and feel badly for the staff to put up with him. I realize it is because of the brain damage but it's become a real problem.
Yes, this is due to brain damage and generally the person is not in control of it. (tho regular caregivers may have noticed that there are situations where he can have some control over his hands and language.)
Medications can help somewhat. Not to a stupor - that is chemical sedation and generally prohibited as a violation of patient rights.
What happens with a male caregiver..or a male adminstrator 'auditing' care - in the room, not providing hands on care and lowering eyes to the ground when genitals are unavoidably exposed for care. Presence of a male observer with authority might help him settle down a bit.
One issue is that just about all of the hands on care staff and many skilled staff are women...and there are some men who are just flat out angry at 'all these women telling me that I can and can't do!"
There may be a staff member (male or female) who can spend some time with him without providing care...just sitting with him to look out the window, or listen to music (whatever he liked in his younger years can be engaging) or some other way of having some passive social engagement with the world.
I'm hoping his roommate has very poor hearing.
My mother in law had a nasty stage, and the facility provided a roommate who slept in the bed at night but spent her days in the dining room/lobby - hoping to get a ride home! Creative problem solving.
You have a separate thread that states that your father is profoundly brain damaged due to a massive hemorrhagic stroke.
- On the door of his room post a warning so that ladies can gird their loins before entering and getting abused.
- Have two ladies come in at the same time to tend to him.
- Let him see that a tripod and a pretend (or not) camera has been set up. On the other hand, he may be a showman so this may backfire.
- Have two ladies come in horrible gorrilla masks and an air horn. Train him.
I'm sure that if he could prevent himself from behaving this way he would a million times. The guy's fractured, lost, and helpless. Super sad.
Thank you. Please forgive me.
I know after my LO had a stroke they lost their filter towards people of color and called them the N word or slave on the regular. At the core I always knew they were racist, but it was something that was only shown amongst close friends of family. Yet, they have never a said such things to a family members partner who is a person of color.
This comes with the territory.
Honestly, I think you probably feel much worse about this than the staff do. You say you realize it's the brain damage, but do you really realize that? Understanding something in words isn't the same as accepting the reality of it, sometimes.
It's very sad for him, it undermines his dignity, it's a loss to him as a person, and I grant you it's not going to win him any Most Adorable Resident prizes. But it is no excuse for neglect or substandard care. What has anyone at the facility had to say about it?
And anyone with even minimal training in working with stroke or dementia are aware of this
This is NOT within your Dad's control for the most part and in the greater number of cases.
Ask to speak with administration, ask if you can leave a note for caregivers about just how you feel. Trust me, they will understand. I have had folks not only grope me but hook me with their canes! They aren't in control of themselves. I think the more you talk quietly and briefly with caregivers the more they will pass that around. Take in a massive box of donuts and say how sorry you are they have to do this, how embarrassed, and how this just isn't your Dad.
They will understand. OR they are in the wrong business.
A cane whack at your shin really hurts too 🙁.
But you learn to stay out of reach!
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.