I love my father dearly. He lives in a senior housing about 20 minutes from me. My problem is, he wants me to visit him every weekend. Come Thursday, he's asking me about coming over. The problem is, I have a full time job, and I'm only off on the weekends. I'm single and sometimes do activities on weekends. That leaves me with maybe one day off to do chores, etc for myself. I have no problem visiting him every few weeks (say every two to three weeks), but when I tell him I can't make it he seems really disappointed. I'm torn between trying to see him as often as I can - when I can't I feel incredibly guilty. It doesn't help that my two sisters (one who lives right around the corner) rarely see him. I love him but I'm trying to balance having a life and seeing him. Sometimes I feel like I don't go to activities or socialize so that I can spend time with him. Does anyone have any suggestions for trying to balance my life with seeing him. Sometimes, even when I'm out, I feel bad that I'm not with him. Its incredibly stressful.
But there are only twenty four hours in the day and there is only one of you. You cannot be everywhere. Moreover, you cannot please everyone - and so you must please yourself.
Maybe mind-mapping would help you decide where on your list of priorities your father falls. Because that is what it comes down to: is Activity X more important to you than spending time with your father? I know this sounds rather a clinical way to do it, but when you're dealing with finite quantities of things like time you have, in the end, to be practical about it. There is only so much of it to go round.
On those weekends when you have something else you want to do (these are choices, by the way - train yourself to think "I want to" rather than "I ought to"), instead of feeling bad about not going to visit your father tell him cheerfully that you will see him on the following Saturday or whatever.
And try not to dwell too much on what your siblings are up to, beyond giving them the occasional nudge when it seems fair and appropriate. Your father's relationships with them are for them to deal with. Don't make them your problem.
I would make it a good visit when I did go like out to brunch or dinner. Take him a treat or something special you know he will love. I might also send him some cards that have a special message written in them during the weeks I wasn't going to see him.
Does he have a computer? Does he use the internet? Many seniors do now. If so, that might be away to face chat if you think he can learn how to do it.
If he's just bored, I might look into a paid visitor if finances allow. I know people who pay a person to visit with loved one several times per week. When my cousin was in regular Assisted Living, I talked to the facility about getting her one and they already had a list of volunteer visitors from some of the churches who did it for free. I put her name on the list and she had a visitor at least once per week, in addition to me. I went almost every day, but was trying to get some relief.
I just don't see one visit a week as consuming your life.
Is he a veteran? If so, check into activities at the local VFWs and American Legion posts.
Is there a senior center nearby? If so, check into transportation to and from as well as activities there.
What were his interests earlier in life, and can he still do them? If so, look for clubs in those areas of interest.
Is he interested in volunteering? Hospitals need volunteers; one of our posters here volunteers at a hospice center. Animal agencies need volunteers.
Check out libraries - they have reading groups, sometimes needlecraft, sometimes computer clubs.
So focus on his interests and expand outward from there to find activities in which he can participate. Don't let transportation be an issue; senior centers may have arrangements with a local transit agency for door-to-door service.
It's really none of our places to sit in judgment and tell you how much time is enough or too little. We aren't walking in your shoes and living your life.
Like many of us, there are so many competing demands for us and our time. There simply isn't enough to go around.
When my mother was in some senior apartments 2 miles from us, I realized that it had been over a year since I'd seen the dentist, had a physical, gotten my shots, seen the gym, or anything else that was "for me". I spent every single moment I was not at work doing things for her. She invented reasons and had me running to the grocery store constantly for things she wasn't even using. It was not warm & fuzzy "oh but she wants to see you".
Mom had it in her mind that it had to be me to entertain her. She refused to go to activities, field trips, or the dining room. When I was there, she carped, complained, and criticized until I had to leave. It was not positive or sweet or lovely. It was a good day if I could get her to sit in her wheelchair and let me push her around the facility for a few minutes. She wouldn't do that long though. No sitting out in the open lobby with the sunshine or birds. Gah!
You do not come last. You are an adult who gets to decide what happens today.
At some point the laundry has to be done, the groceries bought, the trash taken out. Meals have to be cooked, dishes washed, and the floor cleaned. Bills have to be paid and bank accounts balanced. This is not selfish "me time" as some would like to think.
I know a lady who sends her aged mother a greeting card every day. EVERY DAY! And I say good for her. I can't do that. I'm not going to compare myself to what other people can or can't do.
You have to get ahold of those naggy little voices in your head that say "not good enough!" If you visited him for 2 hours every day or every weekend, that voice would still be there. We just can't be the everything to everybody.
It's perfectly OK to take a weekend and have a little "mini staycation" to recharge yourself. I give you permission.
If Dad is safe, looked after, fed, gets his meds on time, and has clean clothes with a clean place to sleep, he will be just fine. He is not in peril because you are not there. I promise.
You have to do what you have to do to find the right balance in life or you will pay the consequences with your health and well being. If you don't have that, you got nothing.
Some times seniors get focussed on one person as their entertainment/company. Have you talked to you siblings about visiting your dad once a month or so on a weekend? That would take the pressure off you. I understand that you have a home to keep and chores to do and also want a day for recreation. This is healthy for you.
I think you have some good suggestions - try to get him involved in some activities, see if your sibs will spend more time with him, maybe try a short evening visit during the week when you are not going on the week end - a dinner date as Linda suggested. If he is the type, maybe talk to the manager of the complex and see if there is anything he could do to help out around there. Volunteering is always good.
I suspect part of your tension comes from the fact that your sibs are not holding up their end of the stick. Sometimes that can be worked out and sometimes it can't and all caregiving is left to one sibling. Are you concerned about the future and what your responsibilities may be as your dad ages?
A note in general - stressed has come here looking for suggestions as to how to balance her time, between her needs and her dads needs, not to be told she is not doing a good enough job and "should" be doing this or that. She is feeling guilty enough as it is and is trying to work out a reasonable solution. Each situation and person is individual. I only see my mother a few times a year for various reasons. No one has walked in my shoes or stressed's.
Good luck to you and blessings to figure out something that works. My mother would like more visits but I simply can't do it.
Sandwich I see you posted before me. Amen to what you wrote.
Grocery delivery once a week was the only time my parents and I saw each other, and that was short because the frozen food in my vehicle for my own household was defrosting.... I worked full-time and my weekends were for running errands for both households. Yet my parents didn't understand why I was so busy. Oh we did see each other for those never ending doctor appointments, and we got together for birthdays, holidays, and Super Bowl.
I think my parents still viewed me as their "child", not an adult who had to manage her own household. They must have thought I walked in my door after work and all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, auto maintenance, yard work, etc. was magically done. And I had very little social life, maybe a phone call or two from friends.
Stressed15, is it that your Dad wants you to visit him or does he think it is you who wants to visit him every weekend, thus he clears his schedule for you?
Just because he became a frail, angry old man due to his choices, it didn't warrant me treating him with kid gloves. I gave as good as I got. Maybe a bit more from my end, here at the end. I will always miss the man I called Daddy. Not so much the man he became in the last 25 years being married to a jealous, narcissistic witch (with a capital "b") and chose her over his kids. I'll work hard at forgiving him for being a weakling and a coward and just move on. But, right now, I'm glad I didn't waste anymore of what's left of MY life.