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I love my father dearly. He lives in a senior housing about 20 minutes from me. My problem is, he wants me to visit him every weekend. Come Thursday, he's asking me about coming over. The problem is, I have a full time job, and I'm only off on the weekends. I'm single and sometimes do activities on weekends. That leaves me with maybe one day off to do chores, etc for myself. I have no problem visiting him every few weeks (say every two to three weeks), but when I tell him I can't make it he seems really disappointed. I'm torn between trying to see him as often as I can - when I can't I feel incredibly guilty. It doesn't help that my two sisters (one who lives right around the corner) rarely see him. I love him but I'm trying to balance having a life and seeing him. Sometimes I feel like I don't go to activities or socialize so that I can spend time with him. Does anyone have any suggestions for trying to balance my life with seeing him. Sometimes, even when I'm out, I feel bad that I'm not with him. Its incredibly stressful.

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Stressed15, you have a lot of good suggestions here and many are right on the money. You do have to sane and do for yourself. When my Dad was in the hospital, I didn't go see him every night though, I talked with my brother and suggested we pick a couple of days a week or at least one day and go see him, visit for a short time and then leave. There was one time I stayed to watch a tv show with him because when he wasn't in the hospital (he had COPD) he lived with me for 9 years. Each week I went and stayed a couple of hours to watch one show that we always watched and then I called him every other day because I couldn't go every day either. You have to find the schedule that you can work with and no one should say anything until they walk in your shoes. Call your siblings and if you have to, set a schedule up for them and expect them to show up and visit as well. Sometimes, they are content with just a phone call checking on them. Tell Mom NO complaining unless it's a dire emergency. That puts you in a foul mood when you have to listen to complaints all the time, every time. When my Dad passed away, I didn't feel guilty for the days I didn't go either. You must take time for your own life. Alternate between going to visit for 1hour only every other weekend and calling for 30 min. on the alternate weekend and see how that goes. If she's fine with it, start stretching out the visits and calls but just don't skip more than a month without going to see her. she'll be gone soon enough and you don't want any guilt when she finally passes. Whatever you do, don't stay more than an hour unless you are watching a movie that you both like or she'll get in the habit of you being there all the time. Bring her books, puzzles to work and things for her to do. Go to one of the get-togethers that AL usually has and go around to visit some of the patients and their families. Introduce your mother to some of the people so she will want to visit with them, and talk with them when you're not there at the next get-together. Don't worry, it's going to work its self out.
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CJ -- you simply MUST print this out and frame it. You won't be able to stuff it In a Christmas stocking, but you get the idea. Actually? It's beautiful!
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I'm old enough to start thinking about how I can best be a nuisance to my kids. Probably the best is to sit in the TV room, in uncomfortable chairs, face to face, and try to have a comfortable conversation. I'd rather you shop at a grocery near me and take me with you. Assuming I have a place to stash some goodies, this will be good way to get me outta the home, have a nice visit and chat, and resupply my snacks and toiletries. Next time, take me to the library so I can return books and resupply. Next time, we could see a movie. Take me with you when you go to the hardware store -- one in particular has yummy nut rolls that I love, I'll snag a couple and stroll the aisles with you. It's not necessary that you entertain me in the TV room of the 'home'. I'd as soon run errands with you and see something other than my wallpaper.
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kcs.....unless you are checking on her care (not trusting the caregivers or facility) I wouldn't go every day and take the abuse. My mom is in a facility and I don't go every day. I go at different times to check up on her and her care but VERY fortunately I trust the facility she is in and her caregivers. She has been there for 6 years. It doesn't do her or YOU any good to take the abuse. My mom doesn't remember from minute to minute or day to day so why would I put myself through that....although at first I did because I thought she needed me or that. Not anymore. My mom was a sweetheart all my life but as this disease took over completely another story. Some of the words that came out of her mouth I had to look up to see what they meant!! :)) Just take care of yourself because it's a long journey....especially if you had a difficult childhood. Just do the best you can for her and YOU. Good Luck and God Bless.
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My brother doesn't visit mom but one a month or once every other month and he lives here. We did not have a happy upbringing but mom needs us now. I go and see her every day and sometimes I get a lashing as far as her mind goes. I am the bad guy. Yes I have had to be the strong one. I took everything away from her. Her furniture, her apartment, etc. I did get her to sign a POA both financial and medical which she doesn't remember.

It is so difficult when your loved one who was so independent before cannot be even though mom thinks she can take care of herself. I so wish she could.

Dementia is not easy for the caregiver or the one with Dementia. I so hate this disease.
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Addison: yes, indeed it does. Amen, again.
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What you may want to do is have a little talk with your sister who lives around the corner. Explain things to her and find out why she doesn't go see your dad. It may turn out that perhaps she is just as busy as you are, and maybe she can't visit that often either. I would definitely find out what's going on and see why she doesn't visit. If she does, find out what's going on during those visits and go from there. If the relationship happens to be toxic, that may very well be your answer. I can only hope this is not the case. You may want to look into some senior activities for your dad, activities that he actually likes. People are more willing to participate in something they like over something they don't. One thing you may want to be careful of is that at any time your dad could start doing stuff out of boredom such as excessive snacking. If he's alone for long enough, he's probably pretty bored. This is why something should be occupying at least some of his time. I'm surprised that he hasn't tried to make friends nearby. Perhaps this would be another option to help him pass the time. Church is another thing he could do along with participation in activities through that church. This should give you some ideas to get you started in the direction of finding something for your dad to do.
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I agree Maloryg8r, your post says it all
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Ramiller, I agree ' - "get your but up out of bed early on weekends " - that was coarse and uncalled by kcs1234.
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kcs1234, I dont think you had to be so harsh, people feel guilty enough without those they look to for advice dumping more. You could have said what you said in a much kinder way.I hope you were just having a bad day. Please try to be kind.
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Visit when you can and when you are able to cope, it's best to go when you are rested and more relaxed, I try and schedule my visits to my mother when I can , if the kids get dinner late so be it, it's good if he wants you to visit when he still knows you, sometimes my mother doesn't always know me, spending time with her can be like gold , she won't be around forever,and she needs me, none of my other relatives can be bothered, it's hard but it's worth it you won't regret it,
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Ladee: Great post. I just wanted to say that unless I fall faint and die, I will always respond to the 4 daily posts and the responses to same. Thank you! ♥♡
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I agree. I never had a heart problem before she put me in this role.
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judda - " I am going to die soon and you better be there when the moment comes so forget your own life and live on standby and feel all my pain or suffer with endless guilt" - my mother has been pulling that for years. Finally I am old enough - 78 - that I have my own health issues which limit my ability to see her and do things for her. She is well cared for in an ALF. If I had paid more attention to my own life and reducing stress from her expectations of me when I was younger, I would be in better health now, I am convinced of that.

Hence, I now emphasize - take care of you and do not sacrifice your health for anyone. Love and help others, yes, but also love and help yourself. 40% of caregivers die before the person they care give. That does not address the health issues that develop in caregivers as a result of putting their needs last all the time. The damage from that over the years accumulates - poor diet, rushing around to get things done, disturbed and inadequate sleep and rest, missed doctors appointments and check ups for yourself because you don't take the time, lack of exercise, strained joints from lifting, raised blood pressure and blood sugar, depression, and more. You can read about it on this site. I applaud the OP for taking care of herself.

sandwich - agreed about people who heap guilt on others. They say shame on the OP. I say shame on you for judging her.
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Love lives in yourself. It doesn't demand anything. But I do think honesty with yourself and others makes it stronger.
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Here is a positive note: my brother asked my mother and I to do some work on some documents. My mother was impossible to accomplish anything with: she yelled at me, wouldn't try to work with me, and so on. Meanwhile my bro was on the phone trying to give us directions on what to do. Mom kept interrupting and trying to guess what was going on and getting in the way of getting anything done. My blood was boiling and I tried hard to control myself: I kept repeating in simple terms what bro and I needed. I heard my brother say to me, "Stop treating Mom like that." I felt this was a flashback to the confused and frustrated feelings my younger brother had watching my mother be abusive to me and my sister. I wondered if I should email him that night. I didn't want to destroy our newly formed reunion. But I didn't want to be treated like that either.

I gathered up my courage and later in the evening after I got my mother back to her apartment and I was home in mine, I emailed bro. I said nicely, it's hard enough to take care of our parents. I think we should be supportive of each other. And because I know he has a great sense of humor I dared to add: and if you want to take on our mother on top of being the caregiver for Dad, be my guest!

He wrote write back an apology!! What a huge milestone for our very wounded family!! I replied back that I was so relieved that I could freely express myself to him. Progress!

You never know. It is worth to stand up for yourself. One can do it in a nice way.
I love emails. It gives me time to think about what to say.
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Linda 22, and others: Many times I'd love to spend more time with my mother but she is not the kind of company I enjoy being around anymore. She gets abusive in various forms. She can be so unnerving to me that I feel my heart pound with anger and my blood rush to my head. She's often very toxic. I have come to limit my time with her to a full day, once a week. She's about 20 minutes away. I call her once a day and have given her the resources to have company and to take care of herself as much as possible. For the BPD person who has to be in control every second that's the best thing.

My father lives an hour and half away but he has plenty of people who like him and see him. I visit him once a month. This is the best I choose to do. After all, these parents weren't always here for me and I think this is life. No one should expect anyone to stand ready and be at their beck and call. People have to deal with life and get strong through their times alone and in touch with their own soul: at least some of time! Why do women always feel they have to rescue others? I often wonder where this comes from? I think when you truly choose to love and give the other person feels that: well maybe most.

The guilt trip the parents put on us is this: I am going to die soon and you better be there when the moment comes so forget your own life and live on standby and feel all my pain or suffer with endless guilt.

I don't buy this thinking anymore.
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Guilt is appropriate if you are doing something illegal or immoral.

Guilt is not appropriate if you are doing your best to meet life's obligations. I don't know of anyone in real life who only has one obligation - to care for their parent.
I feel regret that things have to be the way they are, but not guilt.

Our aged parents do want things that are no longer possible and they are not able to understand why. Feeling guilt over not being able to provide the impossible is not appropriate or necessary.

I always feel like the people in my life who have no shortage of critical things to say are really commenting on their own insecurities and inadequacies. It's called projection. The two aunts who did the least for my mom when she was 5 miles away are the two biggest critics and guilt-mongers. One of them has a daughter who literally has done not one thing for my mom ever, who likes to rake me over the coals on Facebook. I haven't actually seen or spoken to this cousin since I was in elementary school, but that doesn't seem to stop her. The aunts are in very deep denial about mom's dementia. They don't want it to be true because they are going down the same road and it's terrifying.

I think they all have a very guilty conscience and this is how they're dealing with it. They know they should have helped their sister a lot more and now it's too late.

The other people who heap guilt are very angry about their own situation, their own powerlessness, and being trapped.
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I can't speak for others but just because I gave my sons life, doesn't mean I expect that they "owe" me anything! I didn't have children so they would "owe" me when I aged! I had children because I wanted the pleasure of having children in my life.....simply a selfish reason if you get right down to it!
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U should feel guilty. He gave u life. If your social life is that busy get your but up out of bed early on weekends so u have time for your dad who gave u life and was there for u when u were growing up....have no sympathy for u. I am the oldest of three children. .mom has dementia and the only one who cares
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Mzb and SJL: great answers
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I certainly am not going to tell you or even suggest to you what you should do. However, during the last four years of my Dad's life, I picked him up almost every Saturday and Sunday (usually in the late morning) and would return him to his residence (an assisted living house) in the early evening. I still had time to take care of my errands (which I took care off weekday late afternoons and evenings) and early Saturday mornings. When I was with my Dad, we went out to eat and visited relatives. I have two older sisters who lived far away. I lived about 15 minutes away from my Dad at that time. I sure am glad that I spent all of that time with my Dad. When he passed away in October 2002, I was devastated, but I do not feel guilty. I miss both of my parents very much. (My Mom passed away in January 2000). I was fortunate to have two wonderful parents.
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I understand you have a life to but your father days are number so why not give him one day out of your weekend when he is gone your gona miss that one dayso put him first .I am quite sure he put you first when you were young and be thankful for a father alot of us wish we just someone to call dad
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sandwich.....all very good points. This is a different time though. Our parents were the Greatest Generation and they handled things differently. My mom worked full time before it was cool to have a career. She had daughters that were growing up, then grand kids, then parents/in laws to take care of. I will never forget the day they were moving her mom out of one facility into another and having to go tell my step grandfather that my other grandmother had died the night before. I swear I don't know how they did it all and I DON'T work!. I can barely balance grand kids and parents (both in different facilities). I try not to have guilt because I'm doing my best and not doing anything wrong on purpose to hurt anyone. Do I make mistakes? I'm sure I do but I'm trying and keep plugging away. That's all any of us can do really. BUT....if there is one thing I have learned from counseling (yes, broke down and had to get help) it's to step back in this situation (not talking about full time caregiving in your home)(don't know how you guys do it and i bow down to you). Do what you can, when you can and take time for yourself. For an analogy.....on a plane....when they tell you to put the mask on first, that's not being selfish, it's being smart. Then you can help others. Same here.....If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any good to those who need you at the right and most important time. That's my 2 cents. Take it or leave it......God Bless
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How much time is enough? This question is a trap. The time you have is the time there is. You have to do what you have to do to meet your obligations in life. Only you know what those are day to day and moment to moment.

I remember that my parents did not spend my childhood sitting next to me, pre-occupied with keeping me entertained day & night just because I was incapable of taking care of myself. They had work to do, bills to pay, errands, obligations, and health problems. My dad was the only one to make any kind of time for me to play or read. I was absolutely not the pure center of the universe. The time caring for me was not 24/7/365 for 18 years - even if they had wanted it to be. I don't think there was a guilt burden for things being that way.

When their parents became infirm or invalid it was the same. My parents weren't there at the bedside every spare moment for all the same reasons. It was impractical and impossible. Why do we think things are different now?

If you have baggage with someone, clear it up before they are down. There is no vigil you can sit in this life that will take the place of it. If your relationship with someone is baggage free, you can both go and do what you need to in life without worrying the relationship will be degraded. If it's too late for that, then there may never be a feeling of absolution regardless of the hours spent.

I think my parents were a lot more comfortable with the idea that life isn't always long and that death is part of it. It happens when it happens. They grew up on the farm where people and animals died. Medicine did not have the cure-alls it does now. Doctors weren't expected to work miracles. There wasn't equipment to keep a body's heart beating and lungs inflating indefinitely. If somebody was "senile" or had "hardening of the arteries" they weren't expected to last a long time.

Neither of my parents were at bedside when their own parents passed. They never said "I wish I'd been there".

With diseases like dementia that can take many years to unfold, that proposition is unrealistic. If you don't pace yourself, you will be burned out, out of money, behind on your bills, sick, depleted, lose your social connections, and have your family despise you anyway. Your own home and car will probably be in as bad shape as yourself. You can lose your marriage and your whole sense of self.

You have to create balance in your life. If you don't do it for yourself, nobody else will for you. You will be carried away by whatever thing comes with the most guilt, not necessarily the thing that needs you most.
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If your dad is only 20 min away perhaps you could stop by after work a couple of days a week, thereby leaving the weekends free for your needs? When my mother was in rehab, it was "expected" of me to stop by EVERY DAY after work and on wknds. I lived with my parents at the time so no escaping since my dad had a bedside vigil of 5-6 hours A DAY by her bedside (none of which she remembers now anyway). Talk about stress! But now I live away from them, only 2 miles away mind you, but I still get the calls from my mother to visit all the time (because she does not remember I just had dinner with them the night before). So, essentially you cannot do enough because they don't remember you even did anything in the first place! Hope this helps.
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This thread reminds me of the song Dance with my father again. Below are the lyrics.

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream
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kdcm, you are so right. I just remembered a post i did on palcaregivers. This was about a year ago. At the time i was working for a couple in an AL as i was leaving for the night one of the kitchen staff told me one of the residents was not doing good. Istopped in to see her even though i was tired and wanted to get home. So glad I did, she passed that night. With older ones especially, putting off can and often does mean missing out. Thanks for sharing.
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25 years ago, I used to take my baby son down to visit my grandmother in a NH....picking up my mom on the way.....200 miles round trip (oh, the things we do in our youth!). I did this every few weeks or so.

Once it was such a gloomy day that was overcast & drizzling on & off. I called my mom to say we wouldn't be coming down because the weather was so icky. 10 minutes after I got off the phone the sun broke thru and it started to clear.

I took that as a sign to go. And I am so glad we did -- even brought the video camera with us that day, something I never did before. We had a fun, short visit. Grandma took a turn for the worse a few days later and was gone by the following weekend.

I am so thankful I listened to the sign given to me. And I am thankful for this thread, because I had forgotten all about it. Guess it is time for me to start listening again.
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I thought about this thread today. I just visited my mom friday at rehab we had a nice lunch together. Today i needed to get work done really bad, but i knew how much a visit even a quick 1/2 hour would mean to her so i told my husband i would work on auctions when i got back i needed to go see mom. It wasnt out of guilt I just knew how much more important time with her was, since one day she will not be here. I thought about all the posts here and other threads about regret. You never regret the sacrifices you make for others, only the ones you could have made and didn't. I was happy i made the choice i did today and i know mom was too.
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