I love my father dearly. He lives in a senior housing about 20 minutes from me. My problem is, he wants me to visit him every weekend. Come Thursday, he's asking me about coming over. The problem is, I have a full time job, and I'm only off on the weekends. I'm single and sometimes do activities on weekends. That leaves me with maybe one day off to do chores, etc for myself. I have no problem visiting him every few weeks (say every two to three weeks), but when I tell him I can't make it he seems really disappointed. I'm torn between trying to see him as often as I can - when I can't I feel incredibly guilty. It doesn't help that my two sisters (one who lives right around the corner) rarely see him. I love him but I'm trying to balance having a life and seeing him. Sometimes I feel like I don't go to activities or socialize so that I can spend time with him. Does anyone have any suggestions for trying to balance my life with seeing him. Sometimes, even when I'm out, I feel bad that I'm not with him. Its incredibly stressful.
A long time ago I stopped knowing or caring when (if) my siblings call or visit. All it did was upset me. That said, we are starting this journey with my in-laws, so I am sure I will be peeved all over again with my husband's siblings. Their thought is that since my husband & I have already been thru this with my mom, then we are the "experts" and should be handling everything with his parents. ummmm - NO!
Also, all too often, what we call guilt is actually other emotions - sadness, regret, frustration, conflict of too many responsibilities and the feeling that whatever you're doing, you also think you're neglecting something else. When posters say they feel guilty because their parent wants them to do things for them, they may actually be conflicted because doing so would have them not doing something for their spouse or child.
On a less hypothetical level, I spent much time juggling my own responsibilities, while also getting my mom out for rides, full day outings (2 hour visits don't fly with her), etc. Then things go more complex in my life and I was exhausted trying to keep the same schedule. When I pulled back, I felt something that someone might call guilt. But I wasn't doing anything wrong - I was trying to stay healthy while managing new challenges. Some of what I felt was my mom's dissatisfaction with life changes for us all....ie, a classic guilt trip.
I give the OP a hug for wanting to try to find a balance, for being wise enough to know she needs to have recharge time (something many of us ignore). It may be as simple as she and Dad looking at the option of weekday visits so he gets to see her smile and she gets the weekend to recharge. I bet she's looking ahead and overwhelmed at what's to be when the sibs don't visit now while Dad's, well, Dad.
Women have traditionally been raised to think they are responsible for everyone else's wants, needs, and feelings BEFORE their own. When it goes to an extreme it's often called "co-dependency" which is NOT a healthy thing. These type of people feel they are ultimately responsible for everyone and everything and feel guilty when they "fail" to make everyone happy and meet all their needs. Many people are raised with the belief/value of: God....First.....Others....Second... and Self...LAST! I believe this has contributed to the statistic that 50% of caregivers die before the person for whom they're caring. (If the person for whom they're caring has Alzheimers it's closer to 63%) So, there ends up being two "victims" to the aging or disease process. And....then whose alive to care for the loved one???!!!
What others refer to as "selfish", I often refer to as "self-caring"!
You asked for ideas about that holy grail, balance. Take it one week at a time, baby bites. Be creative. Keep a few goodies at work so you are ready for spur of the moment visits. Every week, try a different idea, depending on what your life is like that week. See what your dad thinks of the new ideas. I've had weekends where I've so much to do and I'll call my mom on 15 minutes notice, and she'll run errands with me for a couple hours. It's not a ride in the country or something cool, but it's the best I can do to sort of balance her need to be in the world and my need to deal with my life.
So, I guess I was already used to that.
From what I've seen, there are two kinds of people in residential care. One is the group who are determined to live completely every day. They are the ones who get up in the morning, dress, and have their routine. They are social and chat with anybody. They are not found lying around doing nothing but watching TV. Regardless of their physical condition. These folks are fun to run into and visit with even if you hear the same story 1200 times. If they didn't come to the dining room for coffee, you know something terrible has happened.
The other group has given up. They never come out, never get out of their pajamas & housecoat. They be every bit as able or better, but it's about mindset. I believe this group has some pretty destructive self talk. I'm too old to try. I probably can't if I do try. There's no point in trying. Adding on depression and the paranoia & anger that come with certain diseases, and it's no cake walk for anybody.
I hope I'm in the first group. That's what I intend while I'm still of sound mind & body!
I do have a few ideas. Get a calendar/schedule of activities that are offered are the senior facility. If he isn't participating, encourage him by stopping by on your way home from work to join him in the "bingo", or whatever. After a few minutes, excuse yourself and leave him at the activity. Perhaps he just needs a little nudge.
Second, get a calendar that he can easily see and put it on the fridge or wall or wherever. Put on the calendar that you will visit every other weekend (or whatever you determine) so that he can clearly see it. Also put on the calendar the events in which he will want to participate. Then call a couple of times during the week and on the weekends that you don't go. When he asks, you can tell him this isn't the weekend for you to visit...for him to take a look at the calendar.
How often did you visit before he went to the facility? Are his expectations because that's what you did before, are they because he recently lost his wife/our mom? Might try to find out what is causing him to expect you to visit differently than before. If you visited more often before, tell him that he is being well taken care of and you know he doesn't need you as much.
Maybe send him an occasional surprise--some kind of favorite fruit, a book, movie, something that will make him smile.
Good luck to you!
About 10 years ago I was quite ill and off from work for a few years. (Thank goodness for disability insurance!) My sons....who were both in college at the time.....asked me to move to a town near where they attended colleges. I was deeply touched. I made it clear to my sons, however, that if I moved closer to them, they would be welcome to come see me at any time, but I did NOT expect them to be my source of socialization and support. I wanted them to fully experience college life, not be worrying about their mother. If I needed something of them, I would call. (Which I didn't need to do as I had other ways to get my needs met.)
Unless, as others have mentioned, you may come to regret not spending more time with your father due to him getting closer to the end of life, it's not your or responsibility to be his main source of company and entertainment. Look at the other side of the coin. How could someone who loves you, e.g. a parent, not want you to take time for yourself, your chores, etc, and not be too stressed out????!!!!
You might consider talking with your dad to the effect that while you really enjoy visiting him, the weekends are the only time you have to do chores and catch up with your friends, so you won't be coming over every weekend. I would have hoped he would have realized that knowing that you work full -time, but may not have thought of it or may put his own wants/needs first. Who knows?
As for the thought of how our parents took care of us when we were young even when it wasn't always easy.....I chose to have children. While they were growing up I spent time with them and loved them NOT because I had an expectation of "pay backs" , e.g. time, attention, etc. when I got older!
I facilitate a Caregiver Support group. I frequently remind members: "You are not MORE important than the person for whom you're caring, but you are AS important." In my opinion you need to keep yourself healthy and minimize stress so you can be there fully for your dad when you are able to visit.
Can you keep encouraging him to call his other children to invite them over? If you could talk to them yourself and ask if they couldn't take every third week or some such arrangement. Young people have no idea what it is like to be old and failing. I know--I was there once.
It would benefit your dad if he could make friends where he is and he wouldn't feel so lonesome. As far as guilt, I don't know what to advise. My dad was one of the busiest people especially after my siblings and I were grown. We kept in touch as much as possible, I'd go visit when I could, etc. He got cancer and I kept in touch more, visited more. He spent the last two weeks of his life in the hospital. I felt guilt for not being there every single day even though he would've been the first one to tell me I was being ridiculous and to stop it. He understood being busy. He stayed busy even after the cancer diagnosis, going on his final missions trip with his church group two months before his death. He would go to foreign countries for about ten days twice a year, telling people about Jesus while helping to build churches and schools or doing repair work. I think guilt is part of life. I felt guilty for leaving the hospital the day he died because I just couldn't take it. He would've told me to do the best I can, that he knows I love him, he understands that I'm busy and have a life, to visit when I'm able, but don't overextend myself. He would want me to take care of me, my husband and children first, so that I could be of help to him. That's what a loving parent does. If you don't take care of you, you'll be no good to him. If you're able to get in a visit during the week and eat with him, do that instead for when you can't see him on the weekends. Call him and tell him you're thinking of him if you get a spare minute. Just don't overdo it and burn yourself out.
My advice to you is
1) don't look at how often your siblings visit your dad. There is always one sibling (in this case, you) who is the one doing all the heavy lifting. Don't concern yourself with how often your sisters visit Dad. You love him, and that's what counts.
2) Your visits bring him joy, he looks forward to your visits, you are his lifeline with the outside world, when you are with him it makes him feel "almost normal" again (this is what my Dad tells me when I see him). Your visits are a priceless gift to him, at this stage of his life you are giving him a reason to live. If you can't spend 2-3 hours with him on Saturdays, go for an hour... but also find time to see him mid-week as well. Stop by to see him for 30 min on your way home from work, spend a lunch break with him