Three months ago my Mom fell at home, suffered a serious head trauma... prior to the fall Mom was fairly sharp for someone her age [98] but the trauma brought on late stage dementia and she can no longer stand up. She is on Hospice at a nursing home. It's difficult to communicate with her.
Anywho, Dad [94] wants to bring her home because she isn't improving. He doesn't understand there will be no improvement. He thinks he can rent a hospital bed, put it in the house and all will be well with the world.
I tried to tell him the logistics of it all but it fell on deaf ears. He's also trying to save money not realizing it could cost him MORE having Mom back home. I told him he would need skilled nursing around the clock as Mom needs to be re-positioned every couple of hours and he couldn't do that, and someone strong to lift her out of bed and into her Geri recliner. Plus he thinks someone could put Mom in the car to go to the doctor.... actually Mom would need a special transport service.
Oh, Dad has Caregivers for himself as he's a major fall risk. If Mom comes home he probably would sleep in his recliner in the living room not wanting to leave her to go upstairs to bed [yes, still living in a house].
I ended the conversation with "do what you want, Dad" as I don't want to deal with it. I did all the work getting Mom into the nursing home that is just down the street and it wasn't easy. I did tell Dad if this doesn't work out at home and the nursing home is full, then what?
Anyone else here had to deal with something like this?
I hate to recommend you break his heart by hitting him with a dose of reality, but when someone becomes a danger to themselves or others we can not allow them to have their own way.
It's not easy when it's your loved ones but in your heart you know what to do..
Hugs...
I've got my own little crisis going at the moment with my folks. More on that later. FF, check your message board.
Would bringing mom home on hospice with round the clock aides and nursing care once a week be more costly than NH plus dads aides?
Is he able to understand advice from a doctor who would gently and compassionately explain to him what the situation is?
A less compassionate but more powerful method is to do a cost projection, of how much it would cost daily, weekly and monthly for the care your mother needs, unless hospice is already active and will cover the costs. If it is, that might be a cost saving, but the question is whether or not your father would be able to work with hospice or you would have to still be involved on time off from your job. The other issue is the expected duration of hospice.
I'm not sure but I think if your mother were on hospice in her home, a nurse would be administering morphine rather than a caregiver.
I am so sorry the situation has reached this point, and so sad for your whole family.
She wasn't cognitively able to handle the idea or the process of packing to move, donating, throwing, purging. It upset her more because it was disorienting and confusing, so she had exaggerated and inappropriate emotional responses. The mom I knew when she was my age would not have balked a moment at tossing "old mess".
I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It is amazing how with dementia you feel like you're constantly being thrown into EMERGENCY mode.
You have done a huge service to you, your Dad and your Mom to get Mom properly placed somewhere she is safe and taken care of. I can't imagine how heartwrenching it must be to be separated from a spouse. Your Dad, in his dementia and old age, worries and misses his wife terribly I'm sure. He is surely in denial about his abilities to physically care for her at home.
But you know you've done the right thing by your Mom. Now stick to your guns with Dad. The NH is just down the street. I would have his CNA or aides take him down there to visit all he wants, but keep emphasizing to him that the NH is the best place for Mom to be given the care she deserves. Unfortunately, with his dementia, his reasoning capabilities are gone. You/they will just have to gently keep reinforcing the "best place for Mom" idea to Dad. It's a sad situation all the way around but you are strong and know you are doing the right thing.
It is hard and frustrating, I know. Your "do what you want Dad" comment is proof of that. Hang in there. I hope I will be going to heaven some day because I am living through hell on earth right now. You are too. It's mentally (and physically) exhausting to deal with elderly caregiving and all it entails. I pray so much for others on this forum as many have much worse situations than myself. I feel for you. {{{{HUGS}}}}
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