My Dad wants to bring my Mom home to take care of her because he says she's not improving at NH. Anyone been through this?
Three months ago my Mom fell at home, suffered a serious head trauma... prior to the fall Mom was fairly sharp for someone her age [98] but the trauma brought on late stage dementia and she can no longer stand up. She is on Hospice at a nursing home. It's difficult to communicate with her.
Anywho, Dad [94] wants to bring her home because she isn't improving. He doesn't understand there will be no improvement. He thinks he can rent a hospital bed, put it in the house and all will be well with the world.
I tried to tell him the logistics of it all but it fell on deaf ears. He's also trying to save money not realizing it could cost him MORE having Mom back home. I told him he would need skilled nursing around the clock as Mom needs to be re-positioned every couple of hours and he couldn't do that, and someone strong to lift her out of bed and into her Geri recliner. Plus he thinks someone could put Mom in the car to go to the doctor.... actually Mom would need a special transport service.
Oh, Dad has Caregivers for himself as he's a major fall risk. If Mom comes home he probably would sleep in his recliner in the living room not wanting to leave her to go upstairs to bed [yes, still living in a house].
I ended the conversation with "do what you want, Dad" as I don't want to deal with it. I did all the work getting Mom into the nursing home that is just down the street and it wasn't easy. I did tell Dad if this doesn't work out at home and the nursing home is full, then what?
Anyone else here had to deal with something like this?
30 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How many caregivers are appropriate for a husband who is on the border between early - mid stage Alzheimer's?
- Where could I have "Medication Training" for RCFE Administrator?
- For holiday coverage, an agency we are using for the first time quoted a rate of double the regular daily rate. Advice?
- Caregiver abandoned us 2 days ago. I hired temp help in the interim of finding new perm care in house. Mom is refusing to cooperate. Advice?
Dad is one of these physic/engineering type of guys that at work knew what to do but at home Mom had to point him in the direction to go eat, take a shower, go to the doctor, don't wear stripes with plaids, etc.
As for moving Dad to be near Mom, he's is less than a mile from the facility, so it actually takes more time getting Dad into the car then it does driving him there. At the moment he doesn't want to move because Mom wouldn't like living in Assisted Living.... [sigh]. I am giving Dad choices on where to live, as I want him to feel he's in control of the roof over his head since he can afford to do so. Now that could change once Dad can no longer climb up the stairs to the bedroom even with the help of a Caregiver.
I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It is amazing how with dementia you feel like you're constantly being thrown into EMERGENCY mode.
I have excellent communications with Mom's facility, like the facility has to call me any time Mom falls, I don't go into panic nor give them the 3rd degree nor get all uppity with them. Dementia and falling just go hand and hand. And I owe that knowledge to Aging Care forums, as I had learned so much here :)
Yesterday my Dad was visiting Mom and he witnessed for the first time Mom having a delirium attack, which is down right scary. I had witnessed that a few times back when my Mom was in the hospital after her serious fall. Now it doesn't bother me, but poor Dad thought yesterday was Mom last day, he wanted the facility to call in a Priest. Now I don't know if what he saw changed his mind about bringing Mom home or not. Time will tell.
You have done a huge service to you, your Dad and your Mom to get Mom properly placed somewhere she is safe and taken care of. I can't imagine how heartwrenching it must be to be separated from a spouse. Your Dad, in his dementia and old age, worries and misses his wife terribly I'm sure. He is surely in denial about his abilities to physically care for her at home.
But you know you've done the right thing by your Mom. Now stick to your guns with Dad. The NH is just down the street. I would have his CNA or aides take him down there to visit all he wants, but keep emphasizing to him that the NH is the best place for Mom to be given the care she deserves. Unfortunately, with his dementia, his reasoning capabilities are gone. You/they will just have to gently keep reinforcing the "best place for Mom" idea to Dad. It's a sad situation all the way around but you are strong and know you are doing the right thing.
It is hard and frustrating, I know. Your "do what you want Dad" comment is proof of that. Hang in there. I hope I will be going to heaven some day because I am living through hell on earth right now. You are too. It's mentally (and physically) exhausting to deal with elderly caregiving and all it entails. I pray so much for others on this forum as many have much worse situations than myself. I feel for you. {{{{HUGS}}}}
She wasn't cognitively able to handle the idea or the process of packing to move, donating, throwing, purging. It upset her more because it was disorienting and confusing, so she had exaggerated and inappropriate emotional responses. The mom I knew when she was my age would not have balked a moment at tossing "old mess".
You have to take control of this or it will only get worse. You know that.
When my mom was in the skilled nursing unit, there was another lady there whose husband lived down the hall, around some corners, in the apartments. He visited her every day. When he became frail, he was moved into the care unit himself. He is now in the dementia unit as well. I believe his wife has passed because I haven't seen her around.
A lot of the noise and pushback on downsizing is a distraction. Once he's in an apartment, he won't even remember all that other stuff, much less need it. It's easier to to become less and less physically and mentally agile when there aren't a lot of things cluttering the field of vision and walking path. Anyway, he might be surprised at how much of home he can have in an apartment. Being able to go down & see mom may be such a treat, he forgets about his other complaints.
Now, where Mom's nursing home is located in the same complex as Independent Living apartments, and also Assisted Living facility. But Dad won't downsize.... [sigh].
Some if not most of these caregiving situations are ones in which there often aren't any really good solutions to a situation - I think it's a matter of weighing all the options, and choosing the best and the least upsetting or harmful.
Sometimes I chuckle when I read something in some business or project management article by some techno-wizard who uses analytics to solve life's problems and choose the "best" solutions. I'd love to see some of these people address caregiving situations with their "logical" methods.
How stressful for you!
I agree that if he were there with her, it might soothe him. No amount of reasoning and logic can replace what the heart is missing.
I'd find out if they can accommodate dad and mom in a double room, or near one another.
My two cents is that you don't need to justify anything. When mom was challenging things, I used "The Doctor Said We Have To......" a LOT. No debate about choices. I finally learned the hard way not to engage in discussions anymore. Thing had to be the way they were.
Dad never was one who realized how long it takes someone to heal from illness or injury. Mom was never ill or injured in the past 35 years so he had nothing to use as a guide. Even on Mom's first fall where I needed to call 911, Mom bounced back within a couple days after coming home from the hospital... and she went on with her tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. and firing the Caregivers that I thought she and Dad needed. Guess Dad thought the same would happen on the next 911 fall call.
I have good communication with Dad's day time Caregiver so I will talk with her tomorrow and get her feel of the situation. If we are on the same page, maybe she can discourage Dad from this idea. Sometimes a non-relative can say the same thing and one will listen.
I hate to recommend you break his heart by hitting him with a dose of reality, but when someone becomes a danger to themselves or others we can not allow them to have their own way.
I've got my own little crisis going at the moment with my folks. More on that later. FF, check your message board.
It's not easy when it's your loved ones but in your heart you know what to do..
Hugs...
Is he able to understand advice from a doctor who would gently and compassionately explain to him what the situation is?
A less compassionate but more powerful method is to do a cost projection, of how much it would cost daily, weekly and monthly for the care your mother needs, unless hospice is already active and will cover the costs. If it is, that might be a cost saving, but the question is whether or not your father would be able to work with hospice or you would have to still be involved on time off from your job. The other issue is the expected duration of hospice.
I'm not sure but I think if your mother were on hospice in her home, a nurse would be administering morphine rather than a caregiver.
I am so sorry the situation has reached this point, and so sad for your whole family.
Both my Dad and I are Mom's medical Power of Attorney with equal control. When I noticed Dad was too shaken up to even answer the basic questions at the hospital regarding Mom, then I stepped in. Dad was in favor of having Mom at the nursing home, but apparently he was under the impression it was going to be short term??? Dad also sat in on the Hospice meeting asking questions, etc.
Mom is on morphine so I don't know if a Caregiver needs to be certified to give said medicine. Only one of his Caregivers is a certified nursing assistant. The rest are companions.
I feel like I am on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at the moment.
Would bringing mom home on hospice with round the clock aides and nursing care once a week be more costly than NH plus dads aides?