My Dad's aide lied about a talk we had about her; telling my Dad about her finances. Now he has turned against me. She gained his trust. Advice?

GET RID OF HER IMMEDIATELY! ALSO get cameras with microphone! He will start giving her money etc. Her manipulation game will just get worse and she could turn around and accuse your dad of things, steal, etc

It sounds like the caregiver is after his money. I would make your brother come for a visit immediately, tell him you need help with your parents. He needs to fire that company for you and help you straighten this whole mess out. Two heads are better than one.

I agree with getting your brother involved. You can also your call county adult protective services line and have them investigate her employer and how they are managing your complaint about her. Her employer should at least move her off caring for your Dad because of your complaint about talking about her finances. They do not want a county entity checking them out.

Absolutely agree this is a typical situation where an out side person gains control of and elder and manipulates the situation freqiently illegally.
She has to go ASAP

Yes, get your brother and APS in to visit. But also think about the fact that mom could give you poa for her finances. You could move her to Assisted living, away from all this drama and let Dad do as he pleases. Just make sure you secure mom's money.

Brother needs to be the one to step in. You're now blacklisted. You have no say. If anything, she and your dad can file a police report on you, have you arrested based on 2 witnesses against one.

You and your brother needs to figure out your dad's monthly income, his normal expenses. What's left after that? How much does he have in the savings/checking account? Does there seem to be an unusual amount of 'spent' money? This is the only way you can know Roughly how much he's giving her. But it will have to be your brother to do all the legwork dealing with your father, the caregiver and her employment.

Unfortunately, I don't think your brother will be there batting for you or your father based by his actions. Or your brother doesn't believe that your father has Alzheimer.

I would write a letter to her employment. State in an Unemotional way the chronological order of events - EVERYTHING. He said, she said, etc... Even if your letter is like a mini-story. Conclude your letter that you have tried to tell them about their employee and their response. Make a copy for yourself. Then mail it to them - as certified. The only thing is, upon receipt of your letter, they might strongly encourage their employee to file a complaint against you.

So, in the end, I strongly recommend that you First find a very good elder law attorney and find out where you stand, what can be done, etc.... Because at the moment, You are the bad guy in everyone's eyes.

Dazed, I think you have to figure out what this fight is worth to you. Are you worried about your dad's welfare and him throwing away money needed for his care? Then you or brother will need to seek guardianship. Is it your mom you're worried about? Then get her out of there.

You could simply stay away and, having alerted your brother and APS to what is going on, let the chips fall where they may.

Just make sure it's clear to everyone that when the money has been drained, mom and dad are going to the county home, NOT coming to live with you. That message needs to be strongly delivered to your brother.

I work as an advocate and in 85 percent of the cases my company works on involves some sort of undue influence. This is total undue influence. Since you have been pushed out by the caregivers influence having other family members involved is very important. Like I said before no caregiver agency wants to be investigated by adult protective services. They should have moved her immediately when she said you hit her and you said it was not true. I and my team members oversees the care of
caregiving companies and caregivers of our clients. I question the standard of the agency providing his care for not moving her immediately. If you did hit her it's for her safety and if you did not then she is lying. No investigation will really uncover the truth and their reputation is on the line. The agency should be VERY concerned about being associated with type of complaint. There is not a caregiving provider that I work with that would have handled this situation this way.

Phew! - bit of a muddle here. Ok.

You moved to be near your father and mother seven years ago. Could you describe how your relationship with them has developed since then? - I imagine that in the usual way you found yourself gradually doing more and more to support them. Write yourself a kind of report, and you will see that your history contains plenty of factual detail that backs you up as a responsible and reliable person who is in no way abusive to her vulnerable elder parents.

This particular aide has been with them how long, three months? - her track record doesn't really begin to compare, does it. On what basis was she hired, and by whom? Are any other home-based caregivers, helpers or professionals involved in your parents' care?

This sets out the background context to the complaints that are then to be made a) by you and b) by this pest person.

a) Your initial complaint was that the HCA was being unprofessional and inappropriate in her daily conversations with your father, discussing with him personal details of her life that had no place in their working relationship. [Aside, your father really got off on playing two ladies against one another, didn't he? Ooh! Cat fight! They're jealous! Silly, silly man.]

The aide's reaction to your reasonable complaint was defensive and retaliatory. She saw you as making trouble for her, and had no scruples in fighting back dirtily. If it's any consolation I personally find that kind of overreaction to a fairly straightforward request that she confine her conversation to more appropriate topics exasperating; but never mind. The key thing is to see where she's coming from, and that is a position where she felt under attack, and now you know how she behaves when criticised. Badly, is how. Make a note.

b) Her complaint against you is that you physically assaulted her, and that you are abusive towards your vulnerable parent. Can she substantiate either of these complaints? No. She can't. They're bollocks, is what they are. Rest your mind, because…

Your father is nuts. His half of the "two against one" testimony counts for nothing. Similarly, comments from any person whose sources are either your father or the aide are unsubstantiated hearsay and therefore worthless.

But given your father's unreliability and your mother's Alzheimer's Disease, you're not going to get POA - neither of them has the capacity to give it to you, evidently. You and your brother had better cut to the chase and go for guardianship. Discuss between the two of you how you would best manage that in practical terms, then go to a lawyer. Pick your lawyer carefully: you want one who is not excitable or vindictive, but strictly practical and focused on your parents' welfare.

Meanwhile, you and your brother and your parents' GP can collaborate on getting that aide replaced. Given the conflict and upset her presence creates, that in itself is reason enough. The dispute about who did what to whom is not relevant to your parents' daily welfare and can be sorted out separately.

I'm sorry for all the hurt and anxiety you must be feeling. But perhaps bathos will help: the more outrageous this woman's accusations become, and the more extreme the lies being told about you, the closer it all gets to outright absurdity and the point at which friends, neighbours and family will laugh at their stories. People stop believing what they hear when it's ridiculous, you know. No one will think badly of you once the picture is clear. Take comfort.

I've read the answers and I don't know if I can add anything to the good advice here. I feel I must because I've been in similar situation. If it isn't betrayal against you, I don't know what it is. "Patients" commonly turn on the one's who have been there the longest--such as sons and daughters--and side with the "johnny come latelys".
Countrymouse's advice is good. You can find a decent lawyer and get some advice from APS. You will be able to take the guessing out of the equation and learn the CORRECT path of action. Good Luck

It is the mother's welfare that concerns me the most. She has no one to help her in this situation and the aide is not going to advocate for her against the father. Just because the man is an idiot with dementia does not mean his wife must suffer. Apart from all the good suggestions above could you involve your county health department. I know these thing vary in different area but i have seen them be very helpful in sorting out unsatisfactory situations. They have nurses and social workers who will visit and assess the siuation. For your own sanity try and step away from the situation and get the professionals in. The imminent danger is Dad signing over POA to the caregiver.

OP asked " Why would she come between my Dad & I?"....answer $$$$$$$.

This is why you have to very careful as to who you let into the home.

You have been given some excellent advice on here(especially by Countrymouse) act on it ....now.

I cannot add to the answers you have been given; but, I think I can say without hesitation that this is another situation where the aide/helper is in the process of obtaining money from the person she is supposed to be caring for. (We have seen this in our immediate family)

Get an attorney who specializes in elder law. Write everything down, dates and conversations. Tape any further conversations with this careless caregiver. Enlist as much help from any family members / friends and have them write letters on your behalf asap. You need to regain control of this unfortunate situation before it becomes impossible. Unfortunately, this type of manipulation happens frequently. Fire this person immediately, and make it clear to her and her employer that you are taking legal action. Hopefully a potential lawsuit will put a stop to this nonsense. Good luck

Dazed: Dump her. Then call whatever agency she works for and rat her out. This is unacceptable.

If Dad has Alzheimer's, why would you believe anything he said about the aide? He could have imagined the whole thing. Now he wants you to stay away, mom sides with him and so does brother. YOU WALK AWAY. You cut off contact. You cannot seek POA, you seek Guardianship via court order. Your father, mother and brother will oppose you, in which case the Judge will not appoint you. So save the time and expense and wash your hands of the entire situation. Ignore the phone calls, texts, etc. and cut them off.

I read your post again, and I agree with Veronica91. If your father caused mom to fall, that's physical abuse. Also, you mentioned a primary physician who thinks your father has Alzheimer's disease. There are diagnostic tests to determine a diagnosis. They may begin with an oral interview, then a series of simple drawings, like the face of a clock. A neurologist may want to see the results of an MRI. If you have medical release you should get a copy of the chart. These situations are awful, that's why it's so important to get POA before problems start. I wish you well

First, u can't get a POA since your father gives permission for it. And you can't keep him from spending his money with it
. You would have to take him to court to prove incomptense. I would worry about ur Mom. You need to talk to a lawyer.

Yep. Had the same problem with my mother in law...she was busy calling all her children telling them what a bad person I was, etc. Her personal history of disliking women, always viewing them as romantic competition, bled over into my marriage to her oldest son. It nearly destroyed the marriage, and it certainly destroyed any plans I had to maintain family ties with my husband's family. Once my mother in law passes, I hope there will be a reason to remain with my husband. If not, I am prepared to let go, and walk away. I won't fuss with their family over anything if my husband were suddenly unable to act as his mother's guardian. At that point, another sibling is going to have to step in...I am going to care for my husband and walk away from caring for her. I am supporting my husband caring for his mother, but, I am not getting into any conflict with her other children over her care. If they aren't happy with what we are doing, they can come do better themselves on THEIR dime. That is my message to all my critics...

Fire the aide and get an attorney to deal with any contract issues. Do it asap! Also have your door locks changed and watch carefully for early morning or late night phone calls to your Dad. Protection mode, now!

I think the problem here might be her father hired the aide. If true, she can't fire her.

Well many of you have some views about firing the aide. Unfortunately she was hired by the Veterans Administration thru a Home Health Care agency. I tried to call them about her. They told me that since she called first and complained about me, they told her to call the police on me if I interfere with her working in his home. Since I posted my middle brother has asked my Dad to move back to Calif. and build a home for him and his wife. Funny because two yrs ago he tried to come here to Missouri thinking that he was going to live here for $400 a month for him, his wife and her teen age daughter to live with my parents. In three weeks my Dad kicked all three of them out of the house. He even pulled the air conditioner unit plug and made it miserable for the 3 of them to stay in the guest house. He blamed my sister-in-law for stealing his check book before they left. My brother is alot like our Dad, he expects everyone to do everything for him and he is self centered . I can't expect him to support my older brother and I about getting power of attorney or guardianship. My Dad's General Practitioner, has never ran an inclusive test on him for Alzheimer's. My Dad tells me that he doesn't need me anymore, and I decided to stop the attorney's filing anything. I even stopped calling my Dad and speaking to him. He has stressed me out so much and so has this situation that I decided to walk away. I have too many health issues with ulcers and chronic diarrhea.Sorry about mentioning it, but it has made me stressed and I don't need it after having gone for 10 yrs after having cancer. You know cancer loves stress. I don't need to go through that again. So now I look for answers from those who have gone through this or has some other suggestions. Thank you.

My Dad had a private investigator come to his home after I complained about her. My Dad did back up his aide and said that I was jealous of her. He has helped her financially as he has told me over the phone. He paid, for her car to get fixed, and gave her a lap top computer. These are little, but an aide has no business, asking a person for help when he lives on Social Security only. My Mom is in a rehab hosp. for just a few more weeks. I really wanted her to come live with my husband & I . I have the means to take care of her. I see her often, but if my Dad and his neighbor, who says he is a nurse. Well if he tells them that he wants her back home , then I don't know if she will get the care that she needs. She falls a lot and his home isn't set up for two wheel chairs. He cannot take care of her. He would need 24 hour care from the VA. I don't think he qualifies. The neighbor threatened me and told my husband and I to stay away. He has told my Dad that he wants things in lieu of payment. I know this is something between my Dad & the neighbor to work out payment. But to keep me from seeing them is wrong.

Dazed, I wouldnt care if the PRESIDENT sent the Aide, she would never return to my parent again. Call the APS and get to the bottom of this immediately.

Option #1 Let dad all move to Texas, it will get them away from this impossible situation and the aide. You need to take care of yourself. Tell your brother, he needs to get dad immediately. When your mother gets out of rehab, move her into your home, saying you will send her as soon as she is able, but then it will be up to your discretion if that time ever comes. Option #2 Go to the elder abuse people in your area and tell them the whole story. Write it all down, so your thoughts are clear when you walk through that door.

Clearly the best solution would be for both parents to move together to a VA facility could that happen.
With your level of stress do not even consider taking Mom into your home. Ulcers and diarrhea in themselves are extremely debilitating besides Mom would probably prefer to return to her own home. For now you may have to stay away and let the chips fall where they may. Unless dad gets a great deal more SS than I do he is not going to be able to give anyone much money so no worries about an inheritance. The neighbor nurse will probably balence out the other caregiver. Dad will probably turn to you when things go south if you keep away for the time being. Keep a journal and when you get real evidence call in APS and as cmagnum would say "take no prisoners"

I did call the Senior Abuse Hotline and complained about the Aide that continually takes advantage of my Dad. They told me that they would do an investigation, but would not let me know the outcome. Well, the outcome is that she is still there working and now the neighbors are coming into the situation. I know that many of my Dad's issues of being Narcissistic is part of the problem. Many yrs ago he made some harsh and embarrassing accusations on a family friend. It led to destroying this friends credibility in the community. Resulting in almost destroying his marriage and having to relocate and start his life all over again. This friend, and I spoke recently, I only knew what my dad had told me.I spoke to others who were involved and they defend this friend. My Dad has often made enemies out of people he could not control. He actually moved my Mom & himself over 1,800 miles away from family and expected us kids & his grand kids to eventually move too.I moved and regret it now. I have spent over $20,000 on my parents trying to help. It was never appreciated.

Is that Adult Protective Services you called? They will give you an answer of either unfounded or not, thats it, but by mail. If I were you, I would get up evidence of what you are saying about your Dad and his past reputation, that will sure help your case to everyone, and maybe to court some day. Hang in there.

Dazed, after reading more of the posts, especially what you had to say I've changed my thinking. Instead of dumping your dads mooching aide, DUMP THE DAD. Take care of your mom if you want, but leave the narcissistic ungrateful father alone. Good luck. Sorry about the dad.