My siblings are helping very minimally with my mom who is staying with me and who I now care for in many ways. I know that I can't make them do anything and I can't make them care. They have chipped in somewhat financially but that's about it. my sister has taken her to a few doctor appointments. But for the most part neither of them want anything to do with this and have dumped the whole thing on me and at the same time are not even acknowledging that anything is even happening!!!! It's very hard financially and emotionally. How do you deal with the anger and hurt in dealing with this type of situation? It constantly enrages me. As it should I think, but on the other hand I think some people here have dealt with it better. I'd be interested in hearing your stories in dealing with your siblings and how you coped with it. Thanks!!!!! Also, did it destroy your relationship with your siblings if you were doing most everything in care giving and they weren't to the point that it was a huge detriment to both you and the one you are/were caring for? Their behavior doesn't exactly endear me to them and frankly it makes me not like them as people or want to spend any time with them. If they don't give a damn about me or Mom, why should I want anything to do with them? Thank you, I appreciate the support. Also, it really helps me to hear your stories, it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you.
Personally I just hope the Great Spirit will give me strength to make it through all this and maybe grant a bit of happiness on the other side. My mother has lost her mind almost completely now, so it's rough. I've started trying to bring a little heaven to earth in my thinking to help me get through things. Feeling bad about my brothers just upsets me, so would just make things worse. When things get too bad I've selected a place for Mom. As long as there is a place for her to go when needed, I don't worry about brothers.
She had our mom stay with her for about a year. I suggested, that based on our knowledge of mom's personality and her needs, that this would get stressful quickly and that a good senior living was a better option.
NO DISCUSSION - "it will work out, you are being negative, etc etc etc" I sat my sister and her husband down and told them - when it gets bad, and it will, do NOT come to me and expect me to take over. Senior living would be the answer (she really does not need AL). They ignored me - i didn't know what i was talking about, they would love having her in the home -etc.
Fast forward two months - they are both bit$#ing at me for NOT having her live with me for a week here or there to "give them a break". I reminded them of our discussion. I did spend time with mom and have her with me every week - but we don't have a guest space for extended over nights. She was probably with us two evenings a week and either all day Saturday or all day Sunday. I reminded them that senior living was an option. They wouldn't discuss anything but me taking her for several weeks and i can't and won't. My mom would seriously drive me batty.
After a year - mom moved herself out as the hostility between all of them got pretty intense. My sister is just starting to get over her resentment toward me.
My point is - if you go in to care-giving with out all the siblings on board then complain when they don't help - it is unfair. Perhaps we have a less rosy view of the personalities and needs involved.
I expect to get flamed for this - so flame away.
When you love you do...............Don't bawl at the funeral and say how great Mom was and how much you loved her when you couldn't be bothered to help her when she needed it. Just my opinion.
I don't plan on having a service because at least one would put on a big show of being upset and I refuse to give him a stage for that.
Now, the anger is both at them and at my mother. Despite the fact that they never visit and even now, no longer call, my mother still absolutely glows at the mention of their names. She anticipates their promised visits like a child waiting for Christmas morning - but Christmas never comes. She throws financial support at them but expects me to do everything for free (which I would have no problem my efforts being free if she wasn't constantly rewarding them).
But at the end of all this - and the ends is likely near, I will always know that I did what was right and hopefully, they will carry the burden of whatever guilt or regrets they may have.
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