My siblings are helping very minimally with my mom who is staying with me and who I now care for in many ways. I know that I can't make them do anything and I can't make them care. They have chipped in somewhat financially but that's about it. my sister has taken her to a few doctor appointments. But for the most part neither of them want anything to do with this and have dumped the whole thing on me and at the same time are not even acknowledging that anything is even happening!!!! It's very hard financially and emotionally. How do you deal with the anger and hurt in dealing with this type of situation? It constantly enrages me. As it should I think, but on the other hand I think some people here have dealt with it better. I'd be interested in hearing your stories in dealing with your siblings and how you coped with it. Thanks!!!!! Also, did it destroy your relationship with your siblings if you were doing most everything in care giving and they weren't to the point that it was a huge detriment to both you and the one you are/were caring for? Their behavior doesn't exactly endear me to them and frankly it makes me not like them as people or want to spend any time with them. If they don't give a damn about me or Mom, why should I want anything to do with them? Thank you, I appreciate the support. Also, it really helps me to hear your stories, it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you.
Well she didn't want to go to a nursing home and really didn't need one yet. I wanted them to help me talk to her about ALF, they wanted nothing to do with it and said contact Elderly Affairs for help if I wanted it.
I asked them to take her for 4-6 months to give me a break...nope!
So, I resent them, I have cut contact off from them and I am glad I did it. Because I was angry all of the time. I was tired of them saying no. It became very clear they were never going to help so I wanted to save my sanity and cut them off.
Not sure how much this helps but I have found people's true colors come out when taking care of parents comes up, and it's usually not good either.
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Now, the anger is both at them and at my mother. Despite the fact that they never visit and even now, no longer call, my mother still absolutely glows at the mention of their names. She anticipates their promised visits like a child waiting for Christmas morning - but Christmas never comes. She throws financial support at them but expects me to do everything for free (which I would have no problem my efforts being free if she wasn't constantly rewarding them).
But at the end of all this - and the ends is likely near, I will always know that I did what was right and hopefully, they will carry the burden of whatever guilt or regrets they may have.
I don't plan on having a service because at least one would put on a big show of being upset and I refuse to give him a stage for that.
My Mom's face would light up when my younger brother walked into the room too. He did absolutely nothing to help when she was declining and I was carrying the load. Oh, I beg your pardon...........he did take my mom's
apartment keys for a whole week once (note the sarcasm) and got a wee taste of what was going on. Could not wait to give me back her keys.
Was really useless...........would visit Mom at the nursing home and leave me and my hubs standing there while he decided to whirl her around the place in her wheelchair, expecting us to run after them.
Then there's my sister who did nothing but when she came for a visit would namedrop all the nurses at the care home and critique how I brushed the hair out of Mom's eyes. Really? !!!!!!!
When we had the annual nursing home meeting she was there front and center with pen poised over notepad. But when she didn't know what they were referring to half the time, for instance when they brought up Mom's dysphagia, she looked questioningly at me ..............like I was going to bail her out or something. Uh............No!
Can I give advice on how to deal with the emotions that come up with unhelpful siblings and the way it makes you feel.?The only thing I could say is remember that you are in the right and they are not. Small comfort at times but ................oh well.
Personally I just hope the Great Spirit will give me strength to make it through all this and maybe grant a bit of happiness on the other side. My mother has lost her mind almost completely now, so it's rough. I've started trying to bring a little heaven to earth in my thinking to help me get through things. Feeling bad about my brothers just upsets me, so would just make things worse. When things get too bad I've selected a place for Mom. As long as there is a place for her to go when needed, I don't worry about brothers.
It is worse than useless.
He never showed up when the situation was totally out of control. I dropped everything in N.C. To come to Colorado.
He made a few phone calls.
Then, when Dad died...he shows up to demand "his" inheritance. The will left it all to Mom..and besides, it was all protected from probate...having been transferred to Mom long since.
Useless brother was going to contest that. His plan was to grab as much money as he could and leave Mom with nothing if he could.
I don't call him. Whenever he contacts me, I am in dread that he might decide to come here.
I prefer no contact with him.
She had our mom stay with her for about a year. I suggested, that based on our knowledge of mom's personality and her needs, that this would get stressful quickly and that a good senior living was a better option.
NO DISCUSSION - "it will work out, you are being negative, etc etc etc" I sat my sister and her husband down and told them - when it gets bad, and it will, do NOT come to me and expect me to take over. Senior living would be the answer (she really does not need AL). They ignored me - i didn't know what i was talking about, they would love having her in the home -etc.
Fast forward two months - they are both bit$#ing at me for NOT having her live with me for a week here or there to "give them a break". I reminded them of our discussion. I did spend time with mom and have her with me every week - but we don't have a guest space for extended over nights. She was probably with us two evenings a week and either all day Saturday or all day Sunday. I reminded them that senior living was an option. They wouldn't discuss anything but me taking her for several weeks and i can't and won't. My mom would seriously drive me batty.
After a year - mom moved herself out as the hostility between all of them got pretty intense. My sister is just starting to get over her resentment toward me.
My point is - if you go in to care-giving with out all the siblings on board then complain when they don't help - it is unfair. Perhaps we have a less rosy view of the personalities and needs involved.
I expect to get flamed for this - so flame away.
I deal with my frustrations in the end and the lack of help, by knowing that I've done what's right, if this were reversed and I had been alone, and say I got really sick and both my parents were alive and well, and they had to take care of me, I know they would have done the best they could do for me, I would get the same care from both my mom and dad that I gave my mom when she was ill and passed, and that I am giving my dad now. I know in the end that I've done right by them because it's what they would have done by me. As for the day to day routine, I keep a schedule, I keep everything on a schedule as much as possible no matter what, because being one person, if I don't keep everything on a schedule, I would be jumping from one task to the next and never knowing where anything was or what was going to happen next. If you have no help, you have to be really really organized in your care giving. If all else fails and I do need extra help, I'll call a neighbor, but that is rare. I'm taking care of my dad alone, I have two adult children, one is single fighting cancer, and the other is married and has serious health issues. I often help them as well. I could easily be bitter, I refuse to be, that's not what life is for.
Caregiving must work for everyone involved. Period.
I am actually in agreement with you. I took this on and I don't expect any help fro my siblings. Not respite care or anything. I resent... no, hate, my brothers not because they won't pitch in but because they have abandoned my mother. I hate them for that and I hate her for still loving her golden boys even though they are pieces of _______.
I signed up for this knowing that there would be no help and I am OK with that. That was my choice. But only using her as an ATM and giving nothing back was not what I signed up for.
Mom2mom - bless you for what you are doing for your mom. Did she raise them to be this way? I picture her enabling them over the years.
I think it's a pity when previously solid families split apart over caregiving and inheritances - those are the tragedies. When families that already had serious fault lines in them (like mine) disintegrate it seems more natural, maybe even inevitable.
But it's not mandatory. You don't have to let caregiving destroy your other relationships if they matter to you and you want to preserve them. So, what do you think?
When you love you do...............Don't bawl at the funeral and say how great Mom was and how much you loved her when you couldn't be bothered to help her when she needed it. Just my opinion.
My mother got cancer before I turned 30. I had to help with my mom's appointments. Then my dad had his stroke before I turned 40 and I had to help him till he passed. It wasn't easy but like Gershun said in my family love meant actions. I paid the bills, maintained the house, bought the groceries, managed appointments, change the light bulbs whatever it took. It was my way to show love. They say grief is the price of love, if that is true, I hope my dad knew he was deeply loved.
I just expect the level of selfishness to be past all decency, and knowing that, avoid any real conversation with my only sibling.
Fortunately for me..whatever Mom's opinion might be..she is completely unable to express it. So, I never get her telling me about my "wonderful" brother...she cannot put that into words...so I'll never have to hear that at Least!