My husband is in for ReHab after being in the hospital, but there's no chance of him being able to come back home as I can't care for him here, and it is making me feel so bad to hear him tell me he wants to go home. He is beginning to get beligerant about it and I;m not sure how to handle this. I am looking for admission to a VA center, but the waiting list is long and they don;t do Medicaid. Where can I get help?
Nana2, whatever else happens, don't try to do something that you can't do, or that just can't be done no matter how hard someone wishes for it. Try not to feel guilty for failing to do the impossible.
On what basis do you doubt that nana's husband is a danger to himself or others? You just generally don't think dementia patients ever get belligerent, violent or destructive, or you have some insights into nana's situation? And how did you conclude that being a danger to himself or others is the only valid reason for placement?
What makes you doubt nana's statement that she can't care for him in her home?
I have cared for my demented husband at home for eight years, and I hope to continue to up to and through hospice. But I have not promised him that, and I just had a family meeting with our 5 children, explaining my intention and also my vow to be realistic about what I can do and what he needs done. I have seen fellow caregivers agonizing over whether/how they could keep their spouse at home, and I have seen cases where clearly the best for all concerned was out-of-home placement, even though the demented person did not see it that way.
Just curious.
Every situation is different and needs to be evaluated as such. Some of our forum members have made having their loved one at home work, but at a horrific cost to their own physical health, relationships, financial well-being, and mental health. It is no surprise that the majority of caregivers are women. It is society's expectation that women should step up to the plate without complaint or regard for their own wishes or careers. I realize that there are dedicated male caregivers in this forum, but generally most men do not get involved in caregiving in the way that women are expected to. So there is even more guilt to add to the pile.
So I say: to each his or her own. You know in your heart when you have hit the wall and need to ask for help. That can take the form of in-home care, hospice, or accessing the skills of a facility.
This is a hard enough job without having someone from the outside judging what those of us do. That is why this forum is a breath of fresh air for me. I can't say that I always agree with everything that is written, but it has been an education and a support system. I am not at all the naive person I was 2 years ago when I joined the forum and I hope that I have shared a thing or two from my experiences.
Guilt is a killer. If you are making decisions with love and kindness, then there is no reason to second guess yourself.
It used to break my heart, too, to hear my husband plead and beg to go home, to pack his bags to go home, to wait at the door for someone to come to take him home. That was all while he was, in fact, at home. I have since learned that this is a very common desire among folks with dementia, and it is often not about going to a particular building, at least not the one they are currently or have recently lived in. Is it a childhood home? Is it just back to a time when they were happy? Who knows. But it is very painful to hear the plea and not be able to give them what they want. We can't make the dementia go away, and that, I think, is what they want and certainly what we want.
Do what you know you have to do, for his sake and yours. Hugs to you!
You should also (in my opinion) make sure that you and your son get support in this very challenging situation. Joining a caregivers' support group might be very good for you. Counselling for your son may help him through this heartbreaker. He is not to blame and you are not to blame, and getting outside objective assurance of that could be very valuable.
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