Nana2 Asked July 2011
How do you deal with feeling guilty after you leave your husband with dementia at the nursing home begging to come home?
Follow
Share
My husband is in for ReHab after being in the hospital, but there's no chance of him being able to come back home as I can't care for him here, and it is making me feel so bad to hear him tell me he wants to go home. He is beginning to get beligerant about it and I;m not sure how to handle this. I am looking for admission to a VA center, but the waiting list is long and they don;t do Medicaid. Where can I get help?
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
19 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I cope with the fact that I can only spend so little time with my mom before I start falling apart myself?
- It is hard on your emotional well-being watching someone pass away right in front of you.
- After 40 years my mom and I are finally getting close because I am the only child left to take care of her. Do you think this is a test with a hidden reward?
- Why do I feel guilty taking a 2 week vacation when my mom is in an assisted living facility?
Ask a Question
You should also (in my opinion) make sure that you and your son get support in this very challenging situation. Joining a caregivers' support group might be very good for you. Counselling for your son may help him through this heartbreaker. He is not to blame and you are not to blame, and getting outside objective assurance of that could be very valuable.
Every situation is different and needs to be evaluated as such. Some of our forum members have made having their loved one at home work, but at a horrific cost to their own physical health, relationships, financial well-being, and mental health. It is no surprise that the majority of caregivers are women. It is society's expectation that women should step up to the plate without complaint or regard for their own wishes or careers. I realize that there are dedicated male caregivers in this forum, but generally most men do not get involved in caregiving in the way that women are expected to. So there is even more guilt to add to the pile.
So I say: to each his or her own. You know in your heart when you have hit the wall and need to ask for help. That can take the form of in-home care, hospice, or accessing the skills of a facility.
This is a hard enough job without having someone from the outside judging what those of us do. That is why this forum is a breath of fresh air for me. I can't say that I always agree with everything that is written, but it has been an education and a support system. I am not at all the naive person I was 2 years ago when I joined the forum and I hope that I have shared a thing or two from my experiences.
Guilt is a killer. If you are making decisions with love and kindness, then there is no reason to second guess yourself.
In my post, my heart went out to your husband because I know from personal experience what it's like to be hospitalized for a long time and beg to be taken home. If he can't go home, then he can't. I'm not an authority on this on any other subject; then again no one here is. Our personal experiences might be similar at times, but it'd be arrogant to think there's a clear-cut answer for every dilemma posted here when there's no cookie-cutter formula for anything. So we give our opinions and make some suggestions. My apologies if my words seemed insensitive.
To everyone else, please refrain from turning my posts into some kind of debate. When this happens, that's an indication the individual wants to vent somehow; to tear someone else down so they can feel better about themselves. We're a family here. We might disagree sometimes, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and we have to respect that instead of taking it things personally.
... Any way you look at it, we're all supportive of one another. That's what AgingCare is all about.
Be well my Lady. Talk to you soon.
-- Ed
On what basis do you doubt that nana's husband is a danger to himself or others? You just generally don't think dementia patients ever get belligerent, violent or destructive, or you have some insights into nana's situation? And how did you conclude that being a danger to himself or others is the only valid reason for placement?
What makes you doubt nana's statement that she can't care for him in her home?
I have cared for my demented husband at home for eight years, and I hope to continue to up to and through hospice. But I have not promised him that, and I just had a family meeting with our 5 children, explaining my intention and also my vow to be realistic about what I can do and what he needs done. I have seen fellow caregivers agonizing over whether/how they could keep their spouse at home, and I have seen cases where clearly the best for all concerned was out-of-home placement, even though the demented person did not see it that way.
Just curious.
The only home he wants to go to is the one he shared with you. Where he felt stable, safe, and loved. His pleas for rescue are heartbreaking, but in my opinion he belongs with you ... at home.
Talk with the staff at the Rehab -- and VA -- and explore the costs of taking him home; especially funding sources and some type of home health aide. ... Unless he's a danger to himself and others; which I doubt.
I bid you peace.
-- Ed
Nana2, whatever else happens, don't try to do something that you can't do, or that just can't be done no matter how hard someone wishes for it. Try not to feel guilty for failing to do the impossible.
It used to break my heart, too, to hear my husband plead and beg to go home, to pack his bags to go home, to wait at the door for someone to come to take him home. That was all while he was, in fact, at home. I have since learned that this is a very common desire among folks with dementia, and it is often not about going to a particular building, at least not the one they are currently or have recently lived in. Is it a childhood home? Is it just back to a time when they were happy? Who knows. But it is very painful to hear the plea and not be able to give them what they want. We can't make the dementia go away, and that, I think, is what they want and certainly what we want.
Do what you know you have to do, for his sake and yours. Hugs to you!