Apparently my narc dad has been occupied with other things lately so moms has turned her focus on me. She's been very depressed since her sister died last year and just now barely getting out of the house. She of course is very codependent on dad and when he's not there for her she thinks it's her duty to turn to me. Since they weren't there for me growing up, I am very well independent without either of them. I'm not here for her convenience or to be blamed for her depression as she has already done. She has called everyday for a week just "checking up" and I have stopped answering the phone. I told her last week she needed to get with her sister who is going. Through the same issues, go to church, get a new routine, I have suggested everything. She doesn't listen to anything but talks over me and all about herself. Dad is appeasing her telling her to go buy nice things for herself and patronizing her and she thinks he's becoming a better person all of the sudden- "changing" she says. None of that's true. It never is.
I have given her all the answers I have and even on the phone she is just draining of my energy like a vampire! She wants to visit but I can't take that. Fortunately I live an hour away so that helps. Thank goodness. Any other suggestions? Oh and I suggested therapy, no go there.
take care of you, give her what you can, but you decide what that is. You cannot make her life better, nor is it your responsibility
I spent decades trying to make my Mom happy. I have two siblings who Mom never looked to for support. I was the oldest, that job went to me.
Then about 8 years ago a number of things happened that brought great challenges my own core family. Mom got more needy and I started to get sick from trying to be there for her and deal with what was going on in my own life. Two years ago I made the decision to put my well being front and center. A big part of that meant detaching from Moms bottomless pit of need.
I feel for my Mom but I can not fix her. I tried, God I tried but all it did was destroy my own mental well being. Mom is 82 now and if anything she is worse than before. I will help to make sure she is safe and cared for but I will not get sucked back into her world of misery and anger. It is very difficult for me not to put that superhero cape back on. I am especially vulnerable when I let myself feel judged by others and believe me there will always be judgement from others when you set boundaries.
I hope you are able to detach with love from your Moms neediness.
Thank you for the posts; my mother is emotional and needy too, but I don't mind listening to her a few minutes every day; after all she is in her eighties has lost 2 sisters, 2 brothers a husband and a child, now in her 80's she has multiple physical challlenges. She loves me and along with my dad she worked hard to make sure I needed, not all I wanted growing up, food, shelter, safe home. BUT, your posts pointed out I do have a similar problem. I have two children who I call and text to share good news, just talk and find out about their days; but they ignore me until they have a problem so their calls are always depressing OR when it is a big holiday and they expect they can home, use it like a hotel have me just do all the work, now they have families so they will come with them visit, and of course I love to see them but why I should I settle for that kind of arrangement. Your posts made me realize we parents have to detach from our kids too. Especially when they are as self absorbed in their own lives as you all are; I deserve that too. I can take my supercape hero off, be a good daughter to a mom who actually enjoys my attention and know my kids will call me when they are in trouble, as they always do, and as they get older maybe they will appreciate a little wisdom from their mom, that I was too was self-absorbed to appreciate in my twenties and thirties, when I was working hard to just take care my kids needs. I bet they thought I wasn't there for them too, because I was often exhausted. But, I hope I raised them to be independent, maybe its time to let them know I don't need their negativity if the only time want to talk is when they want do it, like once a week. I don't just call my friends once a week, or when I need them. I take their calls when they need me, and sometimes that goes on for your years, but then I know they be there for me, for years when I need them. That is what adult friends do for each other, when someone is greiving or going through a terrible time, you invest in them as have and willd do for you. If my calls are being ignored by a friend, I'd definitely cool the relationship too. At least I know my mom will always be my friend, and maybe someday my kids will understand what that means too. I hope you have the kind of friendships that will listen to your depressing talks for years, you don't get over the grief of losing a long term love, like a spouse or sister in a few months. My daughter lost 9 months ago; my son's best friend killed himself 2 years ago, I guess it is just time they get new relationships, I can't fix their lives, why should I let their depressive thoughts effect my life?
Thanks for good advice for moms; your timing is perfect for my life.
I do have a daughter and lost a son 7 years' ago at the age of 29. It sharpened my focus to have relationships with those I care about to fine tune them. My daughter is a loving, caring daughter who wasn't always that way. No one ever said it would be easy! I hope in some way I helped a little by sharing my strategy.
My mom has always been self absorbed; an artist that was a bit famous here in Syracuse. I've heard all my life, when I'm so very in need compassion and help (ie, cancer, had a bad reaction to antibiotic, and I asked her not to parade around to everyone how sick I was - response? crying and yelling at me, 'I didn't know what SHE had gone thru w/my illness, etc., worrying, etc. so don't be mean to me. Can you imagine???). She now needs help w/a lot of tasks, weight gain, arthritis, needing walker, etc. trouble driving. She lives in an adult living complex with total independent living, not like an extended care facility. She is melodramatic, handwringer, 'please feel sorry for me, drama queen! Her buddies at the apt. complex are split - some see thru her, some don't, and she obviously stops traffic telling them about her mean daughter. Ugh! To compound it, I have a sister that is 18 yrs younger that she idolizes. My sister is a lot like her, self centered etc.
Survive and treat yourself well. Those that know you (or care to) will understand without having to give explanations. My husband is a huge support and thank God for him.
I hope this helps.
It is hard for me to believe I will be almost 70 this year. I would hope that daughters and sons realize that most of us Mom's did the best we could with what we were given. My 1st husband, the father of my sons, was totally disabled at 40 and one time one of my sons said he never understood why we had to eat so much macaroni and cheese and I told him he was lucky to have the macaroni and cheese. I went to college at 35 and worked my way up the chain and finally received my MBA at 50. Good or not I tried and I am sure most Mom's do the same thing.
Remember someday you too will wonder why the kids don't call more:)
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