Dealing with Mom's attachment issues. Any advice?

Well my dad had responded to my mom when she told them I wasn't going to have a relationship with him because of his narc ways by saying "don't worry about it just let it (her) go." I guess when I set the boundaries at our lunch, she either told him or decided to be in control by now not calling at all. The last text she sent was a week ago. Knowing she has codependency and depression issues it will all be blamed on me no doubt. They have strangely enough, been going around my cousin they tell me not to speak with as well. I told her maybe she is the new daughter, she directly said no! Having used guilt to get what she wants for so long, I can see how this could be being used now since it makes my mind wonder what's up on that end. They are always trying to hide a plan to get someone for something. At any rate, she doesn't call to blame me for her choices in life now. I told her I would hang up if she did. I guess I was a whooping post for her after all. So crappy. I wondered in the past why they couldn't just be normal but I guess this is normal for them. I also worry if dad has told her if she leaves him he will have someone hurt her since he physically is unable to chase her down. I don't know. They are 72 and are what they are and not improving or showing motivation to be better people is all8 know.

"Co-dependent my enmeshed and sadly distinctional" hits the nail on the head Mbmarc! Thank you. I am also thankful for this forum. It can be easy on those days when it's quite for a while to start to forget the little meanness and condescending and think of them as sad old people. I have to remember that only a few days ago they were plotting against my cousin and me, so they aren't those sad, old people in my head. They are the mean people who thought I was hiding porn at age 10 when it was a painted fish imprint I was waiting until Fathers Day as a special gift. Who accuses a kid of that? A girl at that?
And I did tell mom she would do well to see a therapist like my Aunt Sue has and Aunt Jewel but she looked away like she wanted to laugh. She all but had a nervous breakdown but wants me to tell her what a therapist could do to help her or tell her that she couldn't do herself. I have even seen a therapist, but I guess she's above a PHD.
My MIL has dementia and has a 15 minute memory window, so it seems to be a totally different issue here with my mom Donna1944. It seems to be the same head game, but she's just older and more tired. She has slipped with her memory some, but what she claims to forget isn't what she actually has forgotten, if that makes any sense. Selective memory to benifit her situational the time.
I had guessed years ago after my papaw had died and what he did have left was distributed, that dad wouldn't know anything else but to continue to accuse and be greedy. I guessed right on him and it seems mom will just walk right with him supporting him the whole way without having wavering. I told my husband tonight if one of them fell in the shower for example, whether they had a care giver or not, I would still feel some guilt that I couldn't be the one to help, and if I were to help they would refuse any medical assistance I would agree to for them by the doctors because it was me in charge of their care. So it's a lose-lose for me. I am starting to see why when I was young many kids didn't have anything to do with their parents. It's not always the kids, the parents actually reject their help altogether.
I'm so thankful to be able to see I am not the only one out here with a mom who acts like she wants to be a part of my life when it's conveinient for her and only for her or dads paranoid personal gain, only to reject me later. So glad I live 1.5 hours away for starters!

We all hear and feel you on this taylorsmom! My mother is much the same and completely stubborn while being extremely passive-agressive! Take things day by day and do your best to set compassionate boundaries. Some people don't understand that doing this doesn't mean that you don't love them...you have to draw the line for the sake of your own sanity and stress-levels like everyone has said, when you have a certain type of parent and now find yourself facing elder-care responsibilities. My parents are co-dependently enmeshed and sadly dysfunctional. They've been married for 50 years. I am learning every day how to let go and focus my energy on what I can control. I can't make them happy and I certainly can't want more for them (as far as the quality of their lives go) than they want for themselves. That is the harsh reality we have to learn to face and base our decisions on now. The best to you, I think we all will be fine as long as we can learn from each others experiences. I am really thankful for this forum.

My mom is consistingly negative, ungrateful, needy, etc. etc. but she has dementia turning to ALZ so I put up with a lot. The best decision I've made is to NOT move her in with me. She is in a retirement home. She needs a nursing home but I've found a med machine that does everything but fill itself with the pills. When she starts NOT taking them, but removing from the machine so it won't call me, I will threaten her with a nursing home. She often says she doesn't think she needs all those meds. I tell her to tell her doctor. I hope dementia isn't the underlying cause of all these situations. Mom can't remember 30 min. Whether she went down for lunch.

Oh and added to that with the way dad was with mental manipulating, he was also physically abusive in my early years. Mom wouldn't stop him and let him do what she thought was right and not question him. She wouldn't overstep any of his decisions even when I wanted to just simply get a job at 16. He told me if I got a job I woudk have to pay 2/3 to the rent for my room. She never said a word and I never got that experience. All the condescending and name calling he did and still does she just claim she never hears and she's sitting right there.

Oh, from infant to at least 8 years, I spent weeks at a time at relatives homes. Sometimes, many times, they wouldn't even know when I would be picked up. I was told when I grew up that mom or dad would drop me off as an inant with no info on when or where they were going, or anything, no diapers, nothing. I basically lived with my aunt most of the time. Then the years after that, dad started staying home more (not running around on mom as much) and decided to be the controller of the family. So mom had to work more. They had their own business for a while and what they would do is the people they would hire would be on drugs or always need more money, so dad would lend money then " own" them and have them do other jobs for humans treat them as friends. This kept my mom running since she was free labor. Dad lost a big business contract and mom had a fishing bait business where she delivered bait to LOTS of small stores and it took all these people as well in separate vehicles. Dad didn't do any delivery of course. So during these years she was working dawn to dark. My teen years she had no idea even how to talk to me so she didn't. She was like a slave to my dad and his every need. I did my best to stay out of the way as he was a manipulator and she just wouldn't listen as far as leaving or saving either of us. He became a religious legalistic believer so that we could t go to the store unless it was sunny or the devil had plans to harm us. It was a cult. So I felt trapped that way. It was just a mess. Once I had an allergic reaction and was breaking into large shells all over. The emote drive to the doctor he was telling me if I trusted God enough I wouldn't need the doctor and had enough faith he would turn around and go back home. I told him no, take me to the doctor. I could have gotten blood poisoning!
Fortunately I saw all this as for what it was, but she was in like a bubble and just never even had a conversation with me of any kind I remember. There just is no bond. With either of them. I hope that answer helped...

I have to wonder, Taylorsmom, what did you mean by "not there for me growing up"?

Well, as I was driving into the restaurant lot, mom was calling my phone to see where I was. She was waiting outside. Oh my goodness. The first expected comment was "what did you do to your hair" as always. Same as always, cut and color. Apparently it looks red in the sun to her dislike.
We ate for half an hour with a normal lunch as I waited for her to lower the boom on more issues. Then it started. She started talking about dad until I thought I would loose it and How much nicer he is and all. I told her it doesn't matter how he acts on the outside its in the heart that matters and he's still chasing money like always. Her eyes got big. She said oh, we found out about the life insurance. I told her it was just like I said, no one stole from the account did they? She didn't admit it but she described just what I told her. And I said dad will still cash it in, just wait. She doesn't believe it still.
I also told her she needed to go to church and find someone to be their POA that I would not in anyway be the caregiver. She said I was the only one they trusted. I piped up and said "You don't trust me! You don't even listen to me!" She wouldn't even look me in the eye! She knew she was lying. I added that she better take all that cash dad carries and she has hidden in the house and put it in a safe deposit box or those people they pay to do them favors and small jobs will be the first to ransack the house before I were to ever get a chance to drive across town. She spit out promises and whatever like always. Then I asked her what the heck was she doing calling me and blaming me for all her depression issues because I refuse to see dad? She said "Oh it wasn't just about you, it was other people too". I told her that wasn't what she said and if she does it again I will hang up on her. I reinforced the decision on not having a further relationship with dad and when I am done I am done. Then she laughs and said that's where you are just like him. Oh no she didn't. I looked at her as straight as I could and said, and said, actually no, I am NOT like him. Then she was all like " oh I know your not- I just think it's funny you sound just like him." Ugh!! She said "I told your dad about what you said about not seeing him and why and he told me to just let it go and don't worry about it." I guess my decision is a dream come true for him. Nice. One down.
They don't like me taking to any of my own family like they don't know all the secrets they have had over the years, but knowing one cousin has called my mom, I looked mom straight in the eye and asked her if she had talked to Darlene. She looked like a deer in the headlights. Oh it's ok if SHE talks to them but not me. (Like I ever listened anyway. The best thing that happened during the passing of my aunt was talking to my whole family and confirming mom and dad's issues and they found out it was them that kept me from knowing all my cousins growing up and the lies they told me about them.)
What bothered me even more is the day before this dad went to my cousin (who's dad was his brother and was just like him) and asked her if she had takes to me. (We are not allowed to speak to each other because the that side of the family all hates one another) she told him she had not but I did send some pictures of my rabbits to her. He said " you don't understand, that IS having a conversation with Rhonda."- like I am that shallow!! I can't count how many conversations or debates I have won- the lastly being political/religious. He's an idiot.
He told my cousin I would probably be coming to visit her since I would be in town. I made it clear to mom I would be visiting my MIL with Demetia taking her shopping which I did. I had no plans to see my cousin. My mom left the restaurant and met my dad over at my cousins and sat there for 3 hours like I would actually go by there knowing they were there or call her while they were there or something. I guess I am still a liar to them ( which I never was to begin with!) And to them she steals money that doesn't exist. She said they think we are conspire against them. I told her I am willing to go to an attorney and send them a letter stating what I have said since I was 13 that I don't want anything from them. If there is, by some miracle, anything left, it can go to her. She laughed and asked why I would do that to her, she's still dealing with what her dad left her! LOL I wish at 43 I could divorce them. Ugh

I hope lunch was not too painful for you to be able to eat.I believe that most people do have mothers who are not as incredibly talks it as some of ours are. And when you have a kind and loving mother you cannot understand what it's like to have a mother who does not, and never has, 'loved you no matter what' with that strong 'mama bear' love. You should not feel guilty, from what I have read that you have shared. Please do not let others try to heap guilt upon you. HUGS.

Well tomorrow is the day I meet up with mom for lunch. Looks like it's a go. I already know what I'm in for. Apparently I will be drilled on who in the family I have been talking to, because I am "not allowed to talk to anyone in the family" since none of them are good enough and something is wrong with them all. None of which is true. I say this because my dad went to visit my cousin (the one who is the daughter of dads passed brother) and asked her if she and I had been talking and said I would probably visit tomorrow when I came into town. That alone aggravates me as I actually have my afternoon planned to visit my MIL with Dementia and take her shopping (the one they are jealous of). Thankfully my cousin let me know this and I know what level of grief I am up against ahead of time.
They are so afraid that the family will take the money that they don't even have. What they have will go to the government for owed taxes and Medicare if it makes it that far. I will be lucky to have anything from them to cremate them with. They are so selfish and paranoid.
So I guess I will be eating light at our lunch tomorrow! We will see how it goes too when I have my turn laying my boundaries down for her and asking her why it matters anymore who I speak to. I have always done what I wanted in that aspect. Funny how when moms sister died how her side came to me telling ME all mom and dads "secrets" they thought that are so hidden asking me questions. I was more than happy to answer then very honestly about the girls and drugs, whatever. They already knew it but didn't understand why he's that way. They understand he has control on mom so she believes she has to be with them and that I can't do anything about that. And that she won't listen to anything I say, neither of them. They taught me as a child not to lie but have always treated me as a lair. Very confusing growing up.

Reading Toxic Parents is one of the best things I ever did for myself! Should probably re-read as it has been several years since I first read it, but it should be required reading for anyone in a dysfunctional family situation - which, let's face it, is almost everyone these days! It was a real eye opener and helped me set boundaries that I never realized I could set! Caregiving is hard enough, but when you have one or more toxic parent and/or step-parent, it can be detrimental to a caregiver. Good luck to all in this situation -

Jeweltone you hang in there like you are! I expect when I have lunch with Mom on Tuesady and tell her also how she sucks the energy from me like a vampire she will likely tell me the same as your mom. I will take that and run.
As far as my dad, he is a narcissist in every sense of the word, and I am not sure they didn't use him as the example for the textbooks they learn from. He is very self centered and uses people, even will pay them, to get what he can from them to his own gain. I'm not taking about yard work. I'm talking about making them think they are set up for a lifestyle and using them making them feel important and taking advantage of them and their life and time so he doesn't have to get off his couch. He can be the king in his world. This while he verbally abuses family. He must be miserable inside.
When I set up the time to meet with my mom on Tuesday I didn't hear back on the text. Then at 1 AM she sent a reply. I asked her if she sent a text to me at 1 AM (who does that?) but she didn't answer that question.
I am going to make it clear to her again I will not be the POA for them and they need to find one. I know they haven't made any living wills or regular wills so it will all be a mess. The people they pay to be their "friends" will likely break into the house before I could get there and steal what they want. My guess is the state or Medicare will have that though first since dad doesn't believe in paying taxes. Another story....

Regarding what cetude in my opinion far too often some expresses what they are going through in order to vent and disturbs me when other feel that what that person is going through must be minimized by us saying " Oh things could be a LOT worst. At least be thankful you have a dad still. Also be thankful she is still able to use a telephone. You don't have to stop working because she has needs around the clock care. That's your choice. You think you have it bad?" All these saying just make me feel that in order for us to feel better someone has to be worst off. Taylorsmom I would say to you that it's ok to accept your feelings of frustration as they are your reality. Do whatever you have to do to reduce YOUR Stress. We have not walked in your shoes. And nobody should trivialize your feelings. I encourage you to do what brings you peace. Be true to yourself.

I feel like I am reading about my own mother. She has sucked the life right out of me. My story starts with the post "is it normal she is so negative" my story goes beyond the recent illness of my mom. About two weeks ago I made the choice not to call or go visit. Every visit has been exhausting from the constant complaining and negativity. Even our phone conversations have become terrible. Everything is my fault and she will not take responsibility for her own actions. My mom is just 69 and I feel bad for her that her life has taken such a drastic change--meaning she can't drive or live alone anymore. In 4 years she went from being wonder woman to needing 24 hour care. I know that is depressing but I cannot fix it. My mom has always been very needy, but the public saw her as a very independent woman. little did they know how much she depended on me for emotional support. She has sucked every inch of my own emotions out of my body. I talked to my mom and tried to tell her how I felt and she told me not to blame it on her and if she hurt my feelings then I could just stay away. So, I made the tough decision to stay away. It has only been two weeks, but I am sticking to my guns. Good luck and try to find peace within yourself and be careful not to lose yourself before it is too late.

It is a lot to explain, I could write a book on my childhood, as most of us could I'm sure, so I do forget there is no reading between the lines even with those of similar backgrounds.
It sounds cruel, but I have no idea how, and have tried, to get mom to be independent from me completely. I have moved to Texas, joined the Navy, lived in VA, she never came to visit but she never let go to be her own person. I don't mean in a mother-daughter sense, we never had that, I don't even know what that's like. I mean in the sense like now when she has an open door to check up on me and try to suddenly soak in all about my life and personal goings on. In the past it has made me feel betrayed and taken advantage of and in a matter of weeks she will stop communication only to what is convenient to her again.
So the only way I do know to handle it, knowing she is getting older and possibly having issues with so much stress is to make my boundaries known, remind her I'm not moving from the ones already set, and when she goes off on call binges just send her the text reminding her. At least I won't have to go through another blame-guilt call again out of the blue hopefully.
I spent my childhood hoping my parents would divorce thinking that's what was holding them together. Nope. They DID divorce when I was 1.5 years and dad was apparently talked back into being with mom by family. He made it specifically clear to me about 20 years ago it was not for me, he said it was for mom not to go insane because she started leaving dirty diapers on his girlfriends doorstep. I believe my Grandpa made him go back and probably gave him money. That's his only motivator. So they are common law married by the state, and she is by choice with him. She said she did it for me and because she didn't want to deal with looking for another man. I told her she didn't do me any favors the way he abused us. She didn't have anything to say about that but won't change her life now. She had told me years ago she was fully aware of how he was, his tendencies, that he spends and doesn't save, and they have an agreement that she would work to fulfill his needs financially. His promise was that she would have a roof over her head and food on the table. That's no marriage as far as I'm concerned. And not a home for a child like you said. No, they are definitely not the couple that should have had kids, but here I am and believe it or not he had a brother who was just as bad or worse and he had two girls. One turned out like me, but her dad has passed now and she is catching it from my dad since they share property from the will of my papaw. I told her the same thing. Stay far away. He comes over and just glares at her. He's horrible.
These truly are mean hateful people and I have never seen anyone so money hungry as he is.
She had a brother die back in the 90's who had been sick for a while. My husband and I had been out and she and dad left messages in our machine bout he had died then she left one of her bawling about why I wasn't there and wasn't with her and where was I and I should be there with her. I had no earthly idea he would die that day, or should have stayed glued to my phone at home to be at her beckon call. I barely knew the man. When my grandma died of course she had one of dads girlfriends there to comfort her through that and she became her " best friend" from that day. (She lives in denial.)
Oh, one more thing. On two occasions in 2013 and last summer, mom wanted pictures (requested by dad) of JUST my husband without me so he wouldn't have to cut me out of them, all the ones they had were with us both. I told her no, you get both or nothing. I have blocked them on FB and restricted their friends.
But if there was a way to just not have them in my life or them suddenly expect anything of me, I have been praying for that since I can remember. They have truely been a burden I can't describe my whole life. I think parents are suppose to be enjoyable when it's normal, but I wouldn't know.

taylor's mum - reading about toxic parents should help. I have a mother with a personality disorder who is narcissistic. These problems wreak havoc in a home and leave scars on children. You are not responsible for either parent's problems, nor can you solve them.

You have to detach and distance emotionally and set boundaries as some others have suggested.

The first poster suggested meeting in public for lunch a few times a year and limiting phone calls to once a week. I have done something similar over the years. At one point, when mother became very paranoid and accusatory I stopped answering phone calls as they stirred up PTSD from childhood emotional and verbal abuse, but listened to the voice messages in case there was a real problem.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself. I dread to think what will happen when they need more help and your dad has gone through all that money. Medicaid has a 5 year look back. Don't take that on yourself. Prepare yourself for their aging - be sure you know what your limits are and keep them. (((((((hugs))))))

Taylorsmum - you have given a lot more information in this last post and from all of this I get that your parents were selfish and not fit to have children when they did in fact have you. Moreover, they have somehow, passed on to you the idea that you were to blame in all this, which is why you looked at your own genetic material and decided you yourself shouldn't have kids. What a pity, because if you did have children they might be a help to you in showing that family life doesn't have to be so difficult and burdensome. It also seems that your mother has in some way been abused by your father - what you say about her allowing him to call you names, having other women, and taking drugs, just confirms that he is very likely an abuser who has come control over your mother such that she sacrificed you. My advice - don't even try - just get out of it all. You have no debt to either of your parents, and the fact that your mum who has neglected you all her life but especially in your formative years, now has expectations of you is just another manifestation of her ingrained selfishness. You are still very young - at 44, you have many years ahead of you, but at 72 so might your parents. If you allow them to manipulate you into being their punch bag now, you might be condemning yourself to half a century of it! Stay your ground, have no sense of guilt. Good luck

I appreciate all of the suggestions! I have downloaded "Toxic Parents" and read on confrontation already as I have made plans to meet mom for lunch where she lives before I take food to my MIL with dementia (who she is jealous of by the way). Usually also if she is this insistent to see me typically would be not to check on me, ever, but to talk about or brag on my dad. In this case he recently received the inheritance my papaw left him which means he will spend it in no time as always. He gambles away all money and mom always had to pay his debt by working constantly into the night. They are both 72 and still shun any kind suggestions I give on what would be a retirement for them by him calling me names while she allows it. She thinks because he is happy and nice again right now that he has changed, but I know better because he is still chasing money for happiness never seeing reality. The meeting will likely be face to face ever to blame me as she did on the phone of her depression because I refuse to be part of that life of his or around him. Personally, I had enough of his women, drugs, and late nights worrying about my own mental health and physical well being as he abused us with lies and making us live under his harsh control. She still does and is a nervous wreck and still doesn't hear anything I say. He is "all wonderful". But she lives in fear and in a panic with no peace at the same time. This can only go on for them so much longer. I can't have it upset my emotional well being as it did when I was growing up as she begins so enter a deeper sense of unreality. He doesn't take care of her and she does take a mild antidepressant that it took me over two years for me to talk her into going to the doctor for. It of course isn't enough, but this sudden change is what typically happens when dad has gotten hold of some Atavan somehow -he was not prescribed -and given it to her. It has happened more than once. This despite her A-Fib she refuses to take Meds for. My words mean nothing so I know the visit isn't to listen to what I have to say. They have not changed a whip in the whole 44 years of my life. And as far as someone mentioned about my children, my parents are why I DONT have children. I saw how they were at age 10. By 12 I decided there was no way by my up bringing or genetics it would turn out a good thing. I have no siblings to push this off onto, but of course those with narc parents know, they all have better friends than they have children so they always have someone that care for them more than we ever could and are smarter than we are since they don't hear us. I am thankful that she pushed me onto so many families as I was a baby and through my childhood so I saw real family life. She really didn't realize what she was doing while she was getting me out of their hair, but it was better for me not to be in their house. The visit will only be about an hour and we will be eating, so it will go by and I can make my points on boundaries and such and move on hopefully. It is all very tiring, no doubt.

Elders do talk over you. They just have to blurt out what they want to day before they forget it! It's highly annoying, but I would choose that over my mother dying.

Maybe mom has some medical issues going on or she needs medication for her depression. When did she visit her doctor last? She may be due for a complete workup. You can attend with her, this gives you a chance to talk to the doctor and tell him/her what you are seeing with mom. Dad is busy, maybe mom is afraid of being alone or with her sister's death she has faced her mortality. Maybe she would benefit from some counseling. As a parent, we do the best we can with the skills we have, it's unfortunate your parents were 'unavailable' to you. Some families are just not close. You do have your own life, but they are still your parents. You shouldn't have to forgo everything in your life to be with mom, but if you can assist her with a doctor's appointment then maybe she wouldn't be so clingy. At this point you have the relationship you have with them but it doesn't mean that relationship can't change. That's only something you can decide. It can be very difficult for some people to know death is closer, they have to face death at some point and may not have the support they need. Your situation certainly isn't an easy one. Good luck.

Focus on the positive- you have separate residences and your dad lives with her. You have a family who needs you - many don't. Your mom, with all of her neediness and self- centeredness, likely did the best she could and was raised in a similar situation me her own parents. You decide how you react to your mom's constant calls, so it's really on you, as others have suggested, that you choose your boundaries. I have a similar situation except my mom lives with us. It would be nice to have separate living quarters, but since I made the decision to take care of her I can only blame myself for thinking her negativity wouldn't be such an issue. The advice I've given you is how I live my days- reminding myself to not take anything she says personally and look at her as someone who is scared of losing her mind and of dying. That ups the compassion level in a big way if you can look at your mom like a child almost. Good luck and do things that make you feel good about your life. I spend a lot of time outdoors- it's amazing what fresh and and sunshine can do for one's spirit.

There is an old adage "A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter's a daughter all of her life". That is true in most cases but now women are working more and are unable to be there for their elder parents like they once were. I have 5 sons all in their 40's and 50's. I don't contact them much unless I see something they might like to see through email. They call once a month. I will be 69 soon and I am totally disabled. I would never contact them everyday or even every week but it is nice when they do call me and check up on me. I do have a wonderful husband so that helps.

It is hard for me to believe I will be almost 70 this year. I would hope that daughters and sons realize that most of us Mom's did the best we could with what we were given. My 1st husband, the father of my sons, was totally disabled at 40 and one time one of my sons said he never understood why we had to eat so much macaroni and cheese and I told him he was lucky to have the macaroni and cheese. I went to college at 35 and worked my way up the chain and finally received my MBA at 50. Good or not I tried and I am sure most Mom's do the same thing.

Remember someday you too will wonder why the kids don't call more:)

One comment I read is critical, I feel - BE HONEST WITH THAT PARENT. ie, 'mom, I don't talk on the phone after 9:00pm - however, I want to keep the line open and not unplug the phone, in case I need to be reached in an emergency.' It worked! She is stubborn, so I added a taste of her own medicine by calling her at 8:00am, way too early. She got my point!

I do have a daughter and lost a son 7 years' ago at the age of 29. It sharpened my focus to have relationships with those I care about to fine tune them. My daughter is a loving, caring daughter who wasn't always that way. No one ever said it would be easy! I hope in some way I helped a little by sharing my strategy.

No... Not 'help me' .... If you cannot help her, her...your mother, please help yourself

I agree with everything that's been said here. but cetude has hit the nail on the head - things could be much worse, and for your own sanity, that's what you have to cling on to. There's no right or wrong way forward here - relationships between mums and daughters vary along a continuum from being extremely close (as with me and my daughter) and very distant (as with my step-daughters and their mother). These are relationships that develop from childhood and with every passing year they are consolidated. I had a good relationship with my daughter when she was a child, and essentially that's not changed so now I have grandchildren whom I see almost every day and certainly talk to every day even for just a few minutes. My step-daughters on the other hand had a very difficult relationship with their mother when they were young children and as they have grown they have chosen to have less and less contact with her - indeed the younger of my two step-daughters is now pregnant and didn't even bother to tell her mother until I persuaded her to do so. So, you see you have to be true to your own relationship and if as you say it's not been great, it would be a lie for you to start making something out of relatively nothing now. I know people will say that it's never too late and in some cases that's true, but in your case I can see that you already feel extremely resentful of this dependency and if you allow your mum to continue to rely on you it will be detrimental to your own mood/health. You must set boundaries but equally you have to be honest and tell her very clearly what those boundaries are while she can still understand you. I have a quick story to tell. My neighbour had a very elderly mother who called him 8 or 9 times a day just to complain about her loneliness. He got that way that he couldn't cope, was out of his mind with stress, but he didn't have the guts to tell his mother that he didn't want that level of attachment. His partner took control of his mobile phone - blocked her number for long periods at a time, and switched it off between certain night-time hours. This wouldn't have been necessary if my neighbour had been honest with his mother. As it turned out, she had a bad fall, was taken to hospital and the very many phone calls that were made to him didn't get through - she died without him being able to say goodbye and now he's racked with guilt. Long story, but it's there to show you that you have to draw the lines of communication, and those lines of communication have to be what work for you on the basis of your relationship with your mother. I wish you luck.

I think taking care of your health and wellbeing, and your 'core', immediate family is your best course of action. You HAVE tried for your mother. You cannot 'fix it' and we know that does not mean that you do not love her nor does it mean you do not wish that you could help. If you cannot help me, please set boundaries for what you will allow, and help yourself.

Hello,
Thank you for the posts; my mother is emotional and needy too, but I don't mind listening to her a few minutes every day; after all she is in her eighties has lost 2 sisters, 2 brothers a husband and a child, now in her 80's she has multiple physical challlenges. She loves me and along with my dad she worked hard to make sure I needed, not all I wanted growing up, food, shelter, safe home. BUT, your posts pointed out I do have a similar problem. I have two children who I call and text to share good news, just talk and find out about their days; but they ignore me until they have a problem so their calls are always depressing OR when it is a big holiday and they expect they can home, use it like a hotel have me just do all the work, now they have families so they will come with them visit, and of course I love to see them but why I should I settle for that kind of arrangement. Your posts made me realize we parents have to detach from our kids too. Especially when they are as self absorbed in their own lives as you all are; I deserve that too. I can take my supercape hero off, be a good daughter to a mom who actually enjoys my attention and know my kids will call me when they are in trouble, as they always do, and as they get older maybe they will appreciate a little wisdom from their mom, that I was too was self-absorbed to appreciate in my twenties and thirties, when I was working hard to just take care my kids needs. I bet they thought I wasn't there for them too, because I was often exhausted. But, I hope I raised them to be independent, maybe its time to let them know I don't need their negativity if the only time want to talk is when they want do it, like once a week. I don't just call my friends once a week, or when I need them. I take their calls when they need me, and sometimes that goes on for your years, but then I know they be there for me, for years when I need them. That is what adult friends do for each other, when someone is greiving or going through a terrible time, you invest in them as have and willd do for you. If my calls are being ignored by a friend, I'd definitely cool the relationship too. At least I know my mom will always be my friend, and maybe someday my kids will understand what that means too. I hope you have the kind of friendships that will listen to your depressing talks for years, you don't get over the grief of losing a long term love, like a spouse or sister in a few months. My daughter lost 9 months ago; my son's best friend killed himself 2 years ago, I guess it is just time they get new relationships, I can't fix their lives, why should I let their depressive thoughts effect my life?
Thanks for good advice for moms; your timing is perfect for my life.

This same situation has caused my much heartache; going to counseling, having crazy high blood pressure, moodiness, etc. The high BP finally got my attention. She is 84, I am 64. SET LIMITS This is what I will do and this is what I WILL not do. I will make phone calls etc. to streamline her life as much as I can (resists all suggestions, etc) re meds every 3 months, arranging travel to dr w/service geared toward the elderly, housekeeping (her apartment is a nightmare; clutter every where).I have lately told her exactly why when she whines or hints. I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MY WELLBEING FIRST. PERIOD.

My mom has always been self absorbed; an artist that was a bit famous here in Syracuse. I've heard all my life, when I'm so very in need compassion and help (ie, cancer, had a bad reaction to antibiotic, and I asked her not to parade around to everyone how sick I was - response? crying and yelling at me, 'I didn't know what SHE had gone thru w/my illness, etc., worrying, etc. so don't be mean to me. Can you imagine???). She now needs help w/a lot of tasks, weight gain, arthritis, needing walker, etc. trouble driving. She lives in an adult living complex with total independent living, not like an extended care facility. She is melodramatic, handwringer, 'please feel sorry for me, drama queen! Her buddies at the apt. complex are split - some see thru her, some don't, and she obviously stops traffic telling them about her mean daughter. Ugh! To compound it, I have a sister that is 18 yrs younger that she idolizes. My sister is a lot like her, self centered etc.

Survive and treat yourself well. Those that know you (or care to) will understand without having to give explanations. My husband is a huge support and thank God for him.

I hope this helps.

Oh things could be a LOT worst. Trust me I know. At least be thankful you have a dad still, who can look after her. Also be thankful she is still able to use a telephone. You don't have to have her live with you and stop working because she needs around the clock care--it's either that or put her in a nursing home. That's your choice. You think you have it bad? Your mother may be going through depression issues--she needs to see a doctor they may be able to prescribe some kind of antidepressant if that's the case.

I completely relate to your story Taylorsmom. My Mom has always looked to me for emotional support but she was a very unsupportive mother. When she hit her change of life she became so needy I could not breathe. I lived 200 miles away at the time and had an infant son but she expected me to call her daily (sometimes twice a day) so she could talk endlessly about her woes. When I tried to pull away she would talk about suicide. I was terrified and begged her to see a psychiatrist but she took that as me wanting to abdicate my duties to her. She did see someone one time and never went back, she didn't like the guy.

I spent decades trying to make my Mom happy. I have two siblings who Mom never looked to for support. I was the oldest, that job went to me.
Then about 8 years ago a number of things happened that brought great challenges my own core family. Mom got more needy and I started to get sick from trying to be there for her and deal with what was going on in my own life. Two years ago I made the decision to put my well being front and center. A big part of that meant detaching from Moms bottomless pit of need.

I feel for my Mom but I can not fix her. I tried, God I tried but all it did was destroy my own mental well being. Mom is 82 now and if anything she is worse than before. I will help to make sure she is safe and cared for but I will not get sucked back into her world of misery and anger. It is very difficult for me not to put that superhero cape back on. I am especially vulnerable when I let myself feel judged by others and believe me there will always be judgement from others when you set boundaries.


I hope you are able to detach with love from your Moms neediness.