He has 24 X 7 caregivers. Still she is allowed to talk to him and come and see him. Last summer he was ill and she took him to wal-mart and left him in the car (his car) and took the keys. He had a heat stroke. Last spring she took him out, refused to take his walker. When they got back to his house she didn't help him in and he fell and broke his arm. This morning she tried to take him out of his house and to town.
If this were my parent, I'd get a PPO against her, and perhaps even install an exterior camera to document if she violated the order.
I'm wondering if your father's wife was a domineering person. That's not to suggest anything negative, but for some reason he seems to accept this woman's dominance and control. Any thoughts on why? How long has it been since your mother died (I'm assuming she has)?
There's an easy solution for not giving her the car keys; whoever is the owner would be responsible for her actions, including, liability for lending her the car is she has an accident.
If the family wants to see him getting out, why don't they take him instead of wishing this woman were back in the picture? It's clear that she doesn't take care of him, and in fact abuses him (the hot car and heat stroke issue is an example).
I find it incredible that anyone would think in terms of his having been happier if he dies deprived of her interfering and irresponsible meddling. Those family members shouldn't be making any decisions for his care at all.
I was thinking of Senior Center activities, perhaps library functions such as coffee and conversation activities, etc. You don't have to stick to only the Senior Center in your area; you can go to surrounding areas as well.
Perhaps they could even recruit him to assist in their planning and events.
What are/were his interests and hobbies?
Also, does he belong to any church, and if so, could you speak privately to those in charge of programs or activities and work out ways he could participate?
If you can substitute a good option for an already known bad option, it might help wean him away from this woman.
I don't think there is a chance of getting rid of her unless you can find another old man with better prospects to take her attention. When she does something like leaving him in a hot car don't wring your hands take action.
She may decide his family is too much trouble to continue the relationship. What she did was elder abuse especially as she also took the keys. You could even go as far as hiring a private detective to follow them around.
Dad is and will continue to cling to this woman because he probably feels she is the only one on his side and always comes running when he needs her.
Of course they constantly discuss your husband's supposedly bad treatment of him and controlling ways. That is his way of wanting and getting attention and she is only too pleased to humor him when she knows there will be a reward at the end of the evening. Realistically she could care less if he is chained in a dungeon as long as he has his check book with him. Just make sure if you can that he does not have access to large sums of money or the ability to take out loans for her benefit. There will always be a sob story to accompany her requests. "I can't pay my property taxes and the City is going to sell my house at tax sale' Could you "lend' me two thousand?" It is always "lend" and a promise of repayment which of course the woman never does.
When these relationships finally break up (it's probably too late for this in Dad's case) the man is usually too embarrassed to take legal action so the woman is free to move on. One case I know of the woman was stealing checks from the back of the man's check book and cleverly forging his signature and writing in an amount he usually gave her for household expenses every month. Somehow she did this by copying old checks on the computer, but he never noticed and when he finally found out he was too embarrassed to prosecute. He got photocopies of his checks on the monthly statement and there seemed thing unusual to the cause glance. It added up to thousands of dollars.
Another trick you can play is to draft an indemnification, hold harmless and defense agreement (or hire an attorney to prepare one) by which she indemnifies, holds him (and anyone else named on the title to the car) harmless for any damages or injuries, etc. (there's specific legal verbage for this), but also agrees to completely and w/o limitation provide for defense of him and any other parties, whether passengers in his car or another car, if (a) the car is involved in an accident and/or (b) either he or another party are injured.
Or ask her to pay the additional premium to add her as a covered driver on his auto policy.
Alternatively, is he a safe driver or is he a danger on the road? If the latter, contact your Secretary of State or similar agency and ask that he be scheduled for a driver's test. If he fails, he'll lose his license and his auto insurance carrier will cancel his policy.
It is cruel, but not as much as allowing him to be manipulated by this apparently very determined and aggressive woman.
Lastly, can the family plan so many activities that he doesn't have time for her?
I think you've succinctly described the relationship, and his need for her. He's aging, probably frightened if not frustrated, and having her in his life can allow him to think as if he was a younger man. And it probably flatters him.
If that's correct, the question would be how can you and/or the family provide the kind of emotional support he needs to help him through this emotional ice field (which is kind of how I see it - full of pitfalls, holes, gaps, any of which could trap him - kind of like a glacier full of crevices).
As to the indemnification, if she doesn't scare easily, have the execution of the document at an attorney's office, someone who can be properly serious if not a bit frightening to remind her this is serious. Perhaps you could ask for a financial statement from her to ensure that she can meet the terms of the indemnification agreement.
It does take a lot of nerve to do this, and it sounds as if she's also a very nervy and certainly not shy and retiring person. Oh, and CHEAP as well.
Whose name is on the vehicle title? Are any of you joint owners? The concept of her driving his car whenever she pleases would really annoy me. I think I might go over and let the air out of the tires, or pull one of the spark plugs, or something like that.
Unfortunately, you and your family are going to look like the "bad guys" for intervening, but I can only see this situation getting worse. She's obviously very aggressive and insensitive except to her wants and needs.
And that raises another issue: has she convinced him to include her in his estate planning? Somehow, it wouldn't surprise me if she's taken him to an attorney and pushed through a change in his bequests.
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