He has 24 X 7 caregivers. Still she is allowed to talk to him and come and see him. Last summer he was ill and she took him to wal-mart and left him in the car (his car) and took the keys. He had a heat stroke. Last spring she took him out, refused to take his walker. When they got back to his house she didn't help him in and he fell and broke his arm. This morning she tried to take him out of his house and to town.
If this were my parent, I'd get a PPO against her, and perhaps even install an exterior camera to document if she violated the order.
I'm wondering if your father's wife was a domineering person. That's not to suggest anything negative, but for some reason he seems to accept this woman's dominance and control. Any thoughts on why? How long has it been since your mother died (I'm assuming she has)?
There's an easy solution for not giving her the car keys; whoever is the owner would be responsible for her actions, including, liability for lending her the car is she has an accident.
If the family wants to see him getting out, why don't they take him instead of wishing this woman were back in the picture? It's clear that she doesn't take care of him, and in fact abuses him (the hot car and heat stroke issue is an example).
I find it incredible that anyone would think in terms of his having been happier if he dies deprived of her interfering and irresponsible meddling. Those family members shouldn't be making any decisions for his care at all.
The reason some family members are reconsidering letting her take him out again...and spend days at his house when they aren't keeping the roads hot is because he won't let up, trying to demand that his car be gassed up. Telling people he is going no matter what. Can't stop him. The one who made the decision before to let her come back into his life is wearing down again. And that is what has us worried.
We've tried talking to her family. All they say is we can't do nothing with her, if you need to call the law, just do it.
Usually the trouble starts toward the weekend. This time we thought we had made it through without trouble until the care giver called and said she was planning to pick him up in 15 minutes.
Another trick you can play is to draft an indemnification, hold harmless and defense agreement (or hire an attorney to prepare one) by which she indemnifies, holds him (and anyone else named on the title to the car) harmless for any damages or injuries, etc. (there's specific legal verbage for this), but also agrees to completely and w/o limitation provide for defense of him and any other parties, whether passengers in his car or another car, if (a) the car is involved in an accident and/or (b) either he or another party are injured.
Or ask her to pay the additional premium to add her as a covered driver on his auto policy.
Alternatively, is he a safe driver or is he a danger on the road? If the latter, contact your Secretary of State or similar agency and ask that he be scheduled for a driver's test. If he fails, he'll lose his license and his auto insurance carrier will cancel his policy.
It is cruel, but not as much as allowing him to be manipulated by this apparently very determined and aggressive woman.
Lastly, can the family plan so many activities that he doesn't have time for her?
We've told her before that she isn't on his insurance, and she can't drive his car because of that. And we used that to scare FIL up about her driving his car....but that didn't last long.
The indemnification idea....I like it. Not sure that it would do any good. She doesn't scare easily. But definitely something to consider.
She managed to have an extra or have another key made to both his car and his house. He is no longer living in the house he lived in for many years but in another house that belongs to the family, as it is easier for him to get around in and in and out of. In fact while he was in rehab again last spring we caught her driving his car. This was after she had been threatened about driving it. Of course she said FIL wanted her to.
I think you've succinctly described the relationship, and his need for her. He's aging, probably frightened if not frustrated, and having her in his life can allow him to think as if he was a younger man. And it probably flatters him.
If that's correct, the question would be how can you and/or the family provide the kind of emotional support he needs to help him through this emotional ice field (which is kind of how I see it - full of pitfalls, holes, gaps, any of which could trap him - kind of like a glacier full of crevices).
As to the indemnification, if she doesn't scare easily, have the execution of the document at an attorney's office, someone who can be properly serious if not a bit frightening to remind her this is serious. Perhaps you could ask for a financial statement from her to ensure that she can meet the terms of the indemnification agreement.
It does take a lot of nerve to do this, and it sounds as if she's also a very nervy and certainly not shy and retiring person. Oh, and CHEAP as well.
Whose name is on the vehicle title? Are any of you joint owners? The concept of her driving his car whenever she pleases would really annoy me. I think I might go over and let the air out of the tires, or pull one of the spark plugs, or something like that.
Unfortunately, you and your family are going to look like the "bad guys" for intervening, but I can only see this situation getting worse. She's obviously very aggressive and insensitive except to her wants and needs.
And that raises another issue: has she convinced him to include her in his estate planning? Somehow, it wouldn't surprise me if she's taken him to an attorney and pushed through a change in his bequests.
I was thinking of Senior Center activities, perhaps library functions such as coffee and conversation activities, etc. You don't have to stick to only the Senior Center in your area; you can go to surrounding areas as well.
Perhaps they could even recruit him to assist in their planning and events.
What are/were his interests and hobbies?
Also, does he belong to any church, and if so, could you speak privately to those in charge of programs or activities and work out ways he could participate?
If you can substitute a good option for an already known bad option, it might help wean him away from this woman.
Every day my husband is usually to see him twice a day. His sister comes to see him most days and his nephew quite often. However, usually rather than having conversations with them he spends the time complaining about wanting the girlfriend to take him places, saying he is going to use the tractor, lawn mower, etc.Telling my husband to just get them ready for him. Because my husband is not doing everything he wants done and in his time frame. He has extended that to wanting things done that he could have done himself for many years but chose not to, and now that he can't he tries to insist someone else do them for him. Some times he gets quite angry. At times he drives others away with all of this. My husband goes to see him no matter what. He has also has a care giver there to talk with, etc.
when the girlfriend comes to see him, which isn't often. They sit away from the care givers (at this time out in the yard) and most of the talk is about how my husband is mistreating him.
As I re-read what I've written, I am thinking maybe he needs medication. While in the nursing home he was on an antipsychotic and something else to help keep him calm. Once back out, the doctor took him off these medications. Lately he has also been displaying a typical sundowners behavior of staying up roaming all night. We've had to stay paying the night care giver more as she wasn't getting any rest. Medication wouldn't take care of the girlfirend problem, but maybe it could help keep him from focusing on her all the time.
I don't think there is a chance of getting rid of her unless you can find another old man with better prospects to take her attention. When she does something like leaving him in a hot car don't wring your hands take action.
She may decide his family is too much trouble to continue the relationship. What she did was elder abuse especially as she also took the keys. You could even go as far as hiring a private detective to follow them around.
Dad is and will continue to cling to this woman because he probably feels she is the only one on his side and always comes running when he needs her.
Of course they constantly discuss your husband's supposedly bad treatment of him and controlling ways. That is his way of wanting and getting attention and she is only too pleased to humor him when she knows there will be a reward at the end of the evening. Realistically she could care less if he is chained in a dungeon as long as he has his check book with him. Just make sure if you can that he does not have access to large sums of money or the ability to take out loans for her benefit. There will always be a sob story to accompany her requests. "I can't pay my property taxes and the City is going to sell my house at tax sale' Could you "lend' me two thousand?" It is always "lend" and a promise of repayment which of course the woman never does.
When these relationships finally break up (it's probably too late for this in Dad's case) the man is usually too embarrassed to take legal action so the woman is free to move on. One case I know of the woman was stealing checks from the back of the man's check book and cleverly forging his signature and writing in an amount he usually gave her for household expenses every month. Somehow she did this by copying old checks on the computer, but he never noticed and when he finally found out he was too embarrassed to prosecute. He got photocopies of his checks on the monthly statement and there seemed thing unusual to the cause glance. It added up to thousands of dollars.
I also know that before dementia he would never have allowed himself to be treated in the way she has treated him, leaving him in the hot car and in the car not helping him in the house. He did not neglect his physical well being. He also would put up with only so much of her trying to get him to buy something for her. He never spent large amounts on her.
By knowing these things, it stands to reason that without dementia, he would never have put himself in those positions to be hurt. And he would only put up with so much of her wanting things from him. This is the way I see it, to those who think he should be allowed to go with her. If he wouldn't have done these things before dementia, then why would we willingly allow someone to do these things to him now?
If her whole purpose wasn't to get what she can from him...even when it isn't much, then these rules would probably work pretty well. However, Whether by phone or in person she is constantly working on what she can get from him. Hounding him relentlessly to get us to gas up his car and get it ready to go.
What she was doing before he broke his arm was taking him for rides most every afternoon and often most of the day on the weekends. She had somewhere she took him every day. That way she got all her business done, shopping done etc using his car and his gas. And also money from him for part of the shopping. She didn't get to terribly much because we would only give him $100 at a time. Telling him my husband has no right to control FIL's life. Wanting something done that since FIL is no longer capable of doing anything, she wants him to talk his family members into doing these things for her....putting new light switches in her house for, working her gravel driveway with a tractor, etc. And then of course wanting to borrow tools that FIL has, or she thinks he has and as happened a couple of weeks ago she threw a fit because no one could find the clippers she wanted to borrow and in turn go him so upset that he called his sister telling her she had to get out there right now, right away, he needed help bad, right now. Wouldn't tell her any more. She was afraid something was happening with the caregiver. Instead this was when he wanted his sister to go back to town and buy some clippers for the girlfriend that she had been wanting to borrow.
As I mentioned earlier. I do NOT want to see girlfriend ever be allowed to take him anywhere again. But some family members are talking like they want to allow it once again. I think mainly because FIL stays after everyone so much about it. They just get worn down and give in. Hubby was out numbered on it. And even knowing what happened the last time, they are talking about letting her drive him places again.