How do you detatch when what happens cuts like a knife in the heart?

Thanks so much Carolynn...Yeah I just realized I just budged my way into her blog...lol..I have learned how to start my own discussion and I have done so..thanks...But to answer your question..my mother is still at her home and my sister stays there during the week...She is still making payments on her home and has over 30 acres of land..I have started another discussion so I will get off this one...Thanks..

londa - your mother is living at her own home with your sister living there too or your mother is living at your sisters home? Does your mother own a home of her own?

Until there is a problem and people have a need, many don't find out until that time just exactly what the difference of "long term care" vs. "medical insurance" is. The way I came to look at it, to separate the concept, is that the insurance is for more or less acute care requiring doctor intervention and when the patient can be treated and possibly healed or the condition improved. By contrast, long term care is for chronic situations where the patient will probably not improve and where the condition will eventually lead to their demise.

So you and your sisters are now in a position of having to navigate the Financial maze of Medicare and possibly Medicaid (depending on your moms home and other assets). Your mom already has dementia so some of you do or are going to be able to do is going to depend on what you've already got set up, like medical and financial POAs, a will, a trust, etc. or the possible need for conservatorship/guardianship.

Have you been working with your mom's doctor(s)? She sounds like her dementia is pretty for advanced. It seems to me from your statements that you guys are floundering a bit when it comes to the concepts of dementia. Do a lot of reading here. There is no need for your family to "reinvent the wheel", so to speak.

The truth is, dementia changes a person. You no longer need to worry about what your mom used to be or what she used to like. She is most likely going to be very different now. When the disease progresses to the state that you have described, it is typically manage my medication. One member recently posted something to the effect of her mother not being appropriate for nursing homes because she was combative. But that's exactly one of the reasons a dementia patient IS appropriate for a nursing home. At that stage, they become a danger to themselves or others and their personality changes MUST be medically managed.

You haven't mentioned any medication. What are your moms doctors doing in that regard? Anything yet? Even the depression that sometimes comes with the disease may need to be medically managed as well. You speak of not wanting your mom to be in a nursing home because of the possibility of bringing on an early death. But you and your sisters need to understand that this disease is not one anybody recovers from. It ALWAYS leads to death even though the timetable is different for each individual.

This is the torture of dementia. Hard on the patient, hard on the family, and hard on the family watching it be hard on the patient.

Since you are new to this site, rather than have your situation and questions get lost within the posts/thread of another, may I suggest that you use the right side of this page where you can start a new question or discussion specifically about your feelings or your mom's condition or whatever. As you read and learn more and more about her disease and her condition as well as the struggles family caretakers have because of their loved ones health, you will get support, suggestions and ideas from being here. Welcome!

I identify with the angst and tears. I am humbled by your honesty. It is a lonely place to be. You are not alone. You deserve to be happy! I wish they had a 12-step program for caregivers. This forum is the only way I've found to let off steam. I really like the one response you got about eating well and exercise. I wake up every morning with a headache from clamping my jaw in my sleep because of the stress. Today I'm going to do at least 3 nice things for myself. I'm going to allow the children I teach to fill me up with their innocence and enthusiasm. I'm going to call one girlfriend and NOT talk about my situation with MOM! I'm going to take a hot bath with Epson salts and lavender because my body aches all over from worrying about MOM. Best to you.

I meant to put (since the rest of us CANNOT afford not to work)..

I am new to this blog my best friend gave me this website to go to probably because she got tired of me complaining to her (lol). I picked this thread because of the heading it so fits my mother. Let me give you a little background my father had a massive stroke in 2011...my parents were married for 47 years and my mother had nothing outside of my father....so daily depression led into a stroke then dementia. My sister doesn't work so she was our only option to take care of mother since the rest of us cannot afford to work. I am the youngest and have been dealing with the insurance companies...who have advised me that there is no help from her policy since she has no option for long term care(blue cross and medicare)...advised us we can pay $20 an hour to have a caregiver in the home.....but who can afford that...she hasn't showered in over 5 months...yes you heard me right...everytime we try she gets physical and verbal...she is being abusive to my sister all day every day...embarrasses her in public...by yelling at her constantly.....throws stuff at her..me and my brother take turns watching her on weekends and she is nasty to us too..but not to the extent she is with my sister.....and its getting worse and my sister has told us we better think of what to do with mother because she cannot take it anymore (and I can understand)...nursing home is the only option..because although she has paid into her policy for well over 50 years...they say sorry can't help....and that's whats so frustrating...because we don't want our mother to go in there...we just know it is going to send her to an early death and her depression will get worse because she is a serious introvert....she doesn't really like socializing with people....my dad was her only friend..he couldn't even walk next door to my brother's house without her getting upset and calling him to come back home after like maybe an hour over there....As siblings we have been so sweet to each other our whole life...never really got into any arguments...but I am afraid that is going to change if we don't do something soon...but the frustration comes in as WHAT DO WE DO?

All others have posted heart wrenching stories and wonderful advice. I can tell my own stories but its not worth it for you to have to listen to rehashing. What I would add is first, ask where you live as you stated at some distance from Vegas? And whatever you do, however difficult it is now, regardless of any objections of her to the contrary, be sure to move her to a memory care near enough to you so that you're not having to manage her care from a distance. Whether folks behave like your mom intentionally are they can't help it (like a range of 1 to 10), you can't let it keep ripping up your life. She needs to be taken care of full time and if the cilities where she can't argue into little pieces. You must get back to your husband and daughter in the most constructive and salvageable way possible.

@Ashlynne, my heart goes out to you. Take back your life and even though this isn't easy for me to say and its less easier to do, work on forgiveness of your mother. I know deep in my heart that my mother's issues stemmed from way way back prior to me ever being in the picture. I truly believe my mother's depression and narcissistic behavior started what she learned from her mother's behavior and then do to the loss of a baby she had at full term then no chance to recover and then they adopted me. The combination of the two situations led her down a path she chose not to recover from AND back then they didn't have the kind of awareness of post partum depression and such as they have now.

During the last 10 years of her life was probably the most miserable and most difficult for me. Add that to a marriage of mine that was highly dysfunctional (I think some courtesy now my mother when I look back), I hated her in those years. I dreaded every moment because of how I was treated, but I also knew that she knew no other way because she had lived that way all her life. So boundaries were VERY important to me with her during the last four years after I spent the prior six years realizing just how dysfunctional my family life was. Oh man! Hard years there!

I just got tired of people saying to me "Be nice, you'll miss her when she's gone." Well I don't. I've been in counseling for a lot of years and the one thing I learned was that it was okay to not miss her. I think deep down mom knew that because she competed with me for the attention and respect I gave my father. That was never a secret.

In the last four years of her life I cannot begin to say how she lashed out at me verbally. My husband (still married to same one), saw how vicious she was and for the first time, he "got it" after 15 years of marriage.

But through all of this, the doctors documentation, dealing with lawyers, getting friends and family away who were taking advantage of her due to her severe fear and anxiety, and the gambit of momma drama, I did everything to the point where I could do no more and eventually she had to make choices of her own whether she liked it or not.

So the mountain top of mom has been such an adventure, I've learned to take that pain and God has taught me that stubbornness I had to survive mom makes me a survivor!!! I've turned all of that which I learned from mom (even though negative) into a positive. I'm stubborn as hell thanks to mom and I've learned how to confront issues and not be afraid. That stubbornness has held my marriage together for 21 years now, and I am developing an organization that provides shelter and aftercare for victims of human trafficking all because of the stubbornness my mother taught me through all her miserable life. That stubbornness is going to be perfect for the new adventure!

For all of that I'm grateful. So now that she's gone, I don't miss her at all, but what I regret is that she never lived the life God had for her, which was perfect. But I can do nothing about that now except to enjoy my life and I'm doing that! Now removing those tapes in my mind are a bit more of a challenge, but I'm getting through them! I refuse to be a prisoner of that attitude any longer!!

So Ashlynne, take that pain and allow God to transform it. Even at 64 He can make something incredible out of it if you can let go of all the hurts.

People wonder why some elders have no family visiting them in the care facility. Sometimes, there is a reason...not that you don't feel sorry for them, and hope someone does visit them, but it will have to be someone who is not going to feel obligated by kinship to put up with ongoing or intensified emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.

Sometimes it is the dementia that causes rather than exacerbates the behavior, as in a recent case here where apparently custodial grandparent first became unable to manage the housekeeping, and then their temper, and injured the child severely and permanently...someone should have been watching more closely!

I am doing my darnedest to make myself over into a nice person, and develop the habit of admitting it if I get overwhelmed....hard to break the habit of hiding that particular emotion though, it is too often a necessity of life in the real world! I may even try to tone down my sarcasm a little.

Hugs.

Leslie your mother sounds like mine (and many others on here), has never been happy and never will be no matter what anyone does. With her age and perhaps dementia the abuse you suffer will only get worse. My late father was an enabler, put her on a pedestal and spent over 50 years busting his chops to try and make her happy but it was never good enough and she treated him like dirt. She refused to lift a finger to help her parents when they were very old and frail - too busy living around the corner in a fancy house, lady of leisure, driving an expensive car, shopping for clothes, planning the next exotic vacation and having a good time. She told me a couple of years ago "When you were little I didn't want children hanging on my skirts, I just wanted to have a good time" ... you can't imagine what my childhood was like.

I have scars where she knocked me around and put me in a hospital when I was about 6. I learned to avoid her at a very early age. Now 87, in a NH, with Parkinsons and dementia, unable to walk since breaking a hip, her nastiness, dementia and paranoia have increased alarmingly. She barely eats anything as "It's not to my liking" and is skin & bone but offers to take her food she likes is met with a fierce "No". All she does is sleep, so I guess the latest game is "Martyr".

She's manipulated and verbally abused me forever, worse the past 15 years since dad died. She has no friends, having alienated the few she had over the years and, as an only child, I got stuck. I've had the phone company there 4 times recently because she insisted her phone wasn't working - can't dial it by herself any more and the phone bills I get often have wild long distance calls where she's tried. According to the phone company they either find it in a drawer where she can't hear it or she's turned the ringer off.

Never mind I gave up my home and career to spend 4 years housebound in her cold gloomy basement to care for her, everything is and has always been my fault and all she does is bellyache, demand, demean and generally be nasty, even accusing the NH staff of abuse recently, which is rubbish as they're wonderful. I give up. I'll go see her next week with some strawberries I have ripening in the garden and if she's nasty I'll walk, probably never to return.

Yes I've made my decision but I live in constant fear of what will she try next so she can be the centre of attention. If she can dial she may call the cops to complain of imagined abuse at the NH (I've warned them) or send the cops to my house for whatever cockamamie reason she can make up - did that some years ago because I didn't answer the phone immediately. I have POA and now she's trying to hold "her money" (as always) over my head. Won't work sunshine! I'm not wealthy but I have a wee house that's paid for on 2 acres (needs a ton of TLC, but I love it and it was all I could afford) and money of my own.

We feel guilty and it's so hard to walk away but, in the end, we have no choice. Take a look at the website daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. My mother is there to a T and perhaps so is yours. We are conditioned from an early age by these evil entitles (can't call them human) to take any form of abuse they wish to dish out without being hurt or complaining. I look at that site and this one often and that gives me the courage to make my last stand. Just call me "Custer" :). You're not alone. We have all given everything we have and then some, but the abuse just escalates. Why? Same reason a dog licks himself ... because he can!

Up so early this morning I'm going to take a nap with my precious dogs and perhaps cry some. Bitter am I? Yes! hate her?, Yes! angry with myself for putting up with it for a lifetime? Yes! I'm 64 and I'm determined to rebuild my life. My duty is to take care of her investments, pay her bills and ensure there's lots of cash so she can have the best care, but there it ends. "Mommie Dearest" my whole life, in recent times she's tried to hug me and I totally recoil. Too little too late.

God Bless you all and know that you're never alone.

Don't let anything your Mom says hurt you any longer. Her mind is not right and the disease is likely to have her saying almost anything. Remember, it's the disease speaking. Since you are the caretaker, you will be the target for her frustrations. Expect it, and let it roll off your back. And, walking away, does work BTW. I have done that with my mother numerous times until it finally sunk in that I literally won't listen to her verbal attacks.
Do not feel guilty about putting her in a memory facility. You have a right to be healthy and sane too. You are a caregiver, not a martyr. I recently went through a period where my nerves were shot too from caring for my mother, and putting her in the hospital twice in two weeks, then in rehab. During this process I realized that I can't take too much more of all of it. I have had two weeks to rest and recover some, but even after my mother returns home, if she will not do the exercises necessary to keep her mobile, I will have put her in a NH, assisted care, or do something. I have also considered having home health aides come in twice a week to give me time off to care for myself. Caretaker stress is very high for all of us, even when we have skills to cope with. There just comes a time when you have to draw the line and put mom or dad into skilled care that is equipped to handle all their needs that one person can't handle no which way. Drop the guilt. You have done everything humanly possible to take care of your mom and have hit your limits. Put her someplace where they can care for her properly and take care of yourself. Actually, when the decision time came, there was no guilt because I was in survival mode. That's when the guilt disappears and reality takes center stage.

Ooooohh! I am in the exact same situation! My mom is in a (ice) CCR and I have private caregivers to try and keep her in independent living as long as possible, but I am the daughter in California, while my sisters ar in DC and NY - and I have always been "the responsible one" - guess why Mom is here instead of alone in Ohio? Mom's paranoia and anxiety are BAD and I am the bad guy of course (though she's ok w me in person at the moment). Anyway, she really should be in memory care and I feel so guilty - and guilty for not having her at home even though it would not be possible for a number of reasons. What helps? My wonderful therapist, these discussion boards, Memory People on Facebook, knowing I am not alone, staying informed so I know it's the disease, meditation (goggle UCLA meditation)... I still feel guilty, but I love the idea suggested above that she's going to be unhappy no matter what, so why take me down too? Also, I remind myself of her life at 52 - she took care of herself and not elders - just blew that off.

I wish there was an easy answer. This has so many facets to it. In my situation, my mother was narcissistic as long as I can remember, but my father was a buffer for that behavior up until he had his stroke back in 2004. Then the reality of my mother's behavior came to life because there was no one to "keep her in line".

Out of fear I think a lot of the behavior started, because now she had to handle things which she never had to before. But she still always had that level of behavior. For instance, I discovered that she was saying things to adult friends of mine to isolate me for being available to just her. She told relatives I was too busy working when they would call her to get my number to let me know about a family event. At one point she even wished me dead.

The only answer I can offer you is first decide where the lashing out stems from. Is it a lifetime event, or related to her current position in life. Then you need to examine the boundaries in your life if you have any or do you need to increase the one's you have.

Boundaries was a huge healing point for me emotionally because that told me, she was choosing her behavior, it was not my fault. It allowed me to still care for her at a distance, where she lived in assisted living because there is no way I could or would take care of her in my home with her behavior. She wouldn't be happy in my place or assisted living, so I chose the assisted living where at least I could get space between she and myself and at least know that I was caring for her.

I think you need to make some determinations for yourself and look into what works and doesn't work for you. We can all share stories, but the fact of the matter is you have to decide what is it that you and you alone can live with after she's gone.

For me and my situation, I can say for one I have no regrets, but I do not miss my mother. The only thing I miss is that I wish she would have learned that she had it all and the fears were false in her life. But I do not miss the emotional agony she put me through. Learning what true emotional freedom is like now that she's gone has been a really challenging road, but one that I am finally learning to enjoy! You have to decide for you

My mother was living in a ALF up to a year ago, she wanted to live by herself, she insisted. I knew that was not going to be a good idea, no social activity but my sisters living in different states insisted too, I had no choice. She lived in her apartment 10 min from me, which was good for her. This October would of been a year. She was diagnosed with bi-polar and looking back at her childhood and adulthood she's had it her whole life and also cognitive impairment and bouts of depression. As she as gotten older, 84 it has gotten worse. Two weeks ago she fell back into major depression, took her to the hospital, got checked out physically, nothing wrong there but mentally there is. So they sent her to a geriatric behavior hospital which is four hours away from me. When my dad died in 2009 she fell into depression so she and I have been super close, done everything together, I tried to do everything I could to make her happy. Now she there and I feel helpless I call her on the phone but it's not the same. I go to the stores where I use to take her and they are constantly asking me about her, I see the items she use to buy and can't help but tear up. I hate it! Why couldn't she of been normal so she could enjoy the rest of her life the way she would like, it's not fair! Nobody in my family will every understand what I have or am going through, they're not in my shoes. Just wanted to get this off my chest. It's really hard for me to talk to anyone face to face without getting emotional, I don't why that subject hits me so hard.

My father is on 24 hr care in the home, and then there is my mother who is depressed and also 87 years old. Father was and still is abusive. My mother is rigid, depressed and refuses to get a hearing aid, among other things. Difficult to talk to. I have had to distance myself. Visit 1ce week. Have dinner with my mother. Handle all financial affairs, mail, listen to her complain constantly about everything. If my father is abusive, I simply walk away. It ain't easy and I feel down for a day or 2 afterwards. I also have a wonderful spiritual community and outlet at the Bodhi Center in Chicago. You need emotional/spiritual support and should seek whatever works for you. It helps me a lot. I take classes too. Non-denominational approach. Handling their finances is a lot of strees if I let it be so...practice mindfulness...peace and love, your friend Jill

Ihanna, again, I really think I do understand what you're going through... my mother just went to the police station yesterday and I had a detective at the house today inquiring into allegations of financial abuse... I got family dysfunction with a capital "D"!

So... how do we deal with this? Self care. For me, anyway, this is how I deal with this craziness. You have got to find habits that bolster your own mental/physical/spiritual/emotional well being.

I juice veggies everyday. I do some form of exercise every day. I learned to do Breathing Exercises that naturally calm the mind. I get on this very website and participate in a "vent" thread every day.

Only by doing all of these new activities can I begin to have clarity where the lines are drawn... otherwise, its hard for me to not just go down into a big emotional-frizzle ball of frustration... where I can no longer make any rational decisions about what to do next...

DON'T go down into the frizzle ball! ;D Do whatever it takes for you to catch your breath and get perspective. This means taking a big break from the constant stress. If you can't do this physically, then learn to do it mentally. I would start with learning to do breathing exercises... just type in "breathing exercises" into your Internet search engine and learn about them. They are wonderful and act like a natural Xanax on the mind. Good luck, sweetie!

Dear Ihannaa, Your nerves are ravaged and emotions are raw. There are no great answers. You must just do the best you can for her and you. The things she is saying is not from her heart, but from a confused mind. Don't take it to heart! Today she may be cussing you and tomorrow it may be sweet as pecan pie. All you can do is understand that today you will do your best and it may not be good enough. That is just the way it sometimes turns out. We are all here for each other, know that you are not alone in the struggle. Mybe you can get help from local agencies,friends or family to lend a hand. If you must place her in a facility don't let the guilt consume you. She may be better off in a place that can more fully address her needs. Many people have tortured over that kind of move only to discover their loved did much better.. Big Hugs

I feel your pain, hurtfulness, and unappreciativeness coming from your mom, as it does/did from mine (how it feels). It's hard but after so many insults, accusations and her doing thing; I had to go within myself and learn to detach, as you will learn too, just let it go...let it roll off your back and keep on going. No, I'm not saying let her walk over you, but just start acting like it doesn't bother you....then again, it worked so well for me, not giving my mom that type of control/attention to upset me; that she told me to leave her house and don't come back 3wks ago. I use to do as you do now cry, and scream at the top of my lung (nobody was home but me). I use to wonder what can I do to help her, so she don't take all and everything out on me or at least that's how i use to feel. Currently my bro (lives w/her) keeps me informed of how/what she's doing; and he occasionally vents to me about how she talkes to him, what she does etc... We're her "guardian of person"; and I'm her ss rep-payee since May 2013; she's still very angry w/me as the petitioner of the court; but it had to be done. I'm not sure I could have done it until this yr when I finally detached and felt somebody had to do it...(file incompetency/guardianship (86yrs old)ie..demensia, skizohenics w/paronoid features) it might as well been me, since she has sort of denounced me in away; and always only upset w/me..she even told me to my face that her illness etc...is my fought, "go figure". I'm the one that did everything for her (last 6yrs), closest to her, so as all the books/meetings on this subject has said, "I'm the one she turns on". I still love my mom dearly, and do all her business ie...pay bills w/her ss $s, grocery shop, and cook/send food to her house, (live 3 blocks away). Since she said, I'm not allowed in her house it's made things a bit simplier on me...and I have no choice but to honor what she has said.... after all, she did physically attack me 2 times since the court hearing. I told siblings I will call police if it ever happens again, and they told her. I think she knows, I will do it, so guess she figures this is away of me not calling cops on her... She's still smart w/all her mental sickness, got to give it to her on that one. She's still angry at me for taking her to court, my bro's/sis say she'll forgive soon, but I know I did the best thing to protect her, so if that means me being shut out, oh well. Yes, it hurts (but no crying, screaming or any of that..just detached), but it's something that was necessary and to a point I was the only one of her children strong enough to do it (detached)....I'm the only one that had been here for the last 6yr to see, hear, and put up w/the stuff she was doing/saying. I'm so greatful that my bro moved in w/her from out of state or she would have been in a home..her resentfulness towards me had gotten physical, so there was no way she could possibly ever lived with me, as I once thought... Detaching is something you have to learn, go within yourself and to a point have a talk to self, and don't give her that control/attention over you or you will give yourself all types of ailments. As long as you know you gave all that you could, it will be alright...you tried, and that's all that you or anybody else can ask of you.

Ihanaa, a big hug to you. You're in such a tough situation, far from your own immediate family and taking care of a mom who is in a battle that neither of you can win. Can you get some part-time help, even for a couple of hours, just so you can have a bit of time to yourself to recharge your own batteries? I don't have other words of wisdom because my mom doesn't have Alzheimers, but I can empathize with your frustration and sense of despair. Please vent to us, because there are so many folks on here who are in similar situations. If I lived in Vegas, I'd come sit with your mom and your dogs so you could do your grocery shopping in peace!

Thanks captain, nightmare is right!!! I take my mom everywhere I go and most of the time it's "the dogs have been home too long by them selves, we got to go" So I always have to cut short our grocery shopping or whatever else it is that we are doing. Sometimes it's her refusing to even get out of the car and because we are in Vegas it's too hot to leave her in the car, so we turn around and go home. I can't talk to her because she always takes it out of perspective and makes it negative. I very seldom raise my voice, but when she tells the story of what happened to someone else she makes it sound like we had an all out war. She is always losing everything and gets mad when I tell her I don't know where it is, then she says I stole it, yet she won't let me help her look for it :( I'm so depressed!!!!

things might get better for you as time passes. reading a lot has helped me. to an extent i believe that patience and understanding are something you aquire with time and experience. it took me several months to learn to stop trying to reason with mom. took her to town tonight to look at lift chairs. i knew before we went that she wasnt going to buy a chair but you know? we went thru the motions anyway. she looked at the chairs, said she wasnt interested and i told her that was fine. it didnt hurt to look at them. your own attitude is what you have to work on because your not going to magically change mom. i know im not being very clear. we cant control circumstances, only how we react to them..sharing our experiences here is pretty helpful too. were all carers but some here are living a nightmare..