My mother recently passed away and 4 of my siblings made arrangements with the local funeral home for cremation as I was unable to be present. When they had called me before the final decision was made on what expenses they where considering, I had indicated that there was an alternative cremation services that could have offerred a savings of $350 on the $2800 total bill. They indicated that that wasn't enough savings to make it "worth the effort" and I agreed that if they were all OK spending the extra money to go ahead and have every thing taken care of locally. Immediately after the memorial, my oldest sibling confronted me that I owed my other sister $470 and needed to write her a check immediately because she had put it on her credit card. I indicated that I would take care of it. The next day I asked my sisters for a copy of any receipt/invoice from the funeral home and I would make prompt payment of my portion. The response was that "it was too much to ask for at this time while everyone was still healing". I replied for them to take as much time as needed but to fulfill my obligations and responsiblities as the head of household for my family I needed transparency in our mother's end-of-live expenses. Now, all my siblings say I'm being unreasonable, that I'm hold my payment hostage, and to just pay up. Is it really that unreasonable especially when as head of household I have to be finanacially responsible to my spouse and children?
When our dad passed, my sister made all the arrangements for his cremation. We shared costs, without questions. The one thing she missed in her grief was that the cemetery had a fee to inter Dad's ashes in the family plot. My husband and I looked at each other and I got out the credit card. My sister didn't know about this oversight until sometime later - why? because we decided that this woman had been holding Dad's hand when he passed and we weren't going to cause her any more sadness. My husband wouldn't let her reimburse us - she'd been helping the folks, she'd done so much for them, I lived out of town, she was in school and money was tight. It's what families do.
My opinion is that to create discord and pain and more drama for your dad, your family over this tiny sum of money seems cruel. As for transparency as head of household, part of marriage is "I'll help with your parents and you, with mine, as we need to".
I hope you're all able to work thru this, as family can be such a precious thing especially as we all get older.
Let me make a suggestion. Your sister who put this on her credit card may have financial issues that you are not privy to. Write her the check now. In 3 months, call up whoever dealt with the funeral home for the final bill on the expenses and file it so that you know it was the correct amount that you paid.
Please remember to send Christmas cards to your siblings this year and checks or gift cards to your nieces and nephews. It's the proper thing to do, just as getting a receipt for the funeral expenses is.
It's just… a bit… eeeuw. Do you really not trust them to add up?
I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are being a bit pompous. And a bit of a skinflint. At a time when your siblings are probably not in the mood for it. Take a risk, just send your sister the money.
Please be the bigger person here and say OK, I added stress to a difficult situation, I have learned a lesson, and that lesson is: it is less important to be right than to be kind. Don't be estranged from your family if it can be helped. Send them $500.00 and an apology and either flowers, chocolate, or coupons for a spa package in whatever amount you can afford. You had one mom, you have one family, and siblings hating on each other dishonors your mom and creates distress in everyone's life going forward.
If you have never admitting being wrong before, now is as good a time as any to start. You may find it totally refreshing, and I am not being sarcastic. I grew up being unable to admit imperfection because of the way I was raised by my mom, but eventualy learned better; my mom never did, and it blighted her life and our relationship in many ways.
What the principles are on their side, I have no idea. Sounds pretty messed up to me, and out of proportion to your offense.
Write the check NOW. Put in a little extra for the work they did. Back off and let the bad feelings die down.
If you are modeling the principle to your children that it is important to have accurate financial records but you are not modeling the importance of family sticking together in tough times, I feel a little sad for your priorities.
I'm sorry that this has caused unpleasantness for your family. Bereavement does expose nerve endings rather, and people get upset very easily. I hope the dust settles soon. My sympathies for your loss.
I don't know if you have helped care for your Mom throughout her final days or years or if you were largely "away" for the most part and the siblings were the ones who had to do most of the caregiving.
For me, I have been the sole caregiver for my sweet Mama going on four years now, have born the entire expense of her care, had to sell my home at a loss, gave up my job and retirement, etc....and when my Mama passes I already know I am going to be the only one who will pay for the final expenses, even though I have a sibling. My sister in law has not been to this house in over three years to see my Mama even though she and Mama and I were close all of our years together...She does not work, has no children and yet complains about every single thing my brother even attempts to do for Mama or for me. I will say that if my SISTER IN LAW called the funeral home after the sad time when my Mama passes, I would be LIVID....and I have already begun preplanning and the funeral is going to be close to $10,000 NOT including floral, etc. so to be quibbling over this amount of money and for your wife to call the funeral home is honestly so offensive to me I really just don't know what to say.
I am sorry that you are going through this at such a time...To me the best tribute any of us can pay to our parents when t
hey leave us is to show a sense of familial peace and grace ...but sadly I have seen this type of thing happen all too many times...truly, it seems so sad to me to be demanding an itemized invoice and is it really worth breaking up the family over.
When I lost my Daddy, my ex sister in law created so much drama and it was ugly...I knew my brother was not the instigator but the fact he allowed her to do it was and always will be hard for me to get over...Ugly things that happen during such a painful and sad time leave deep deep wounds that often times will not heal...
Personally, unless your siblings have given you reason in the past to be untrustworthy I would pay your part and ask no more questions. And also personally, even if they had over such a small amount of money I would pay it and ask no more questions. And tell your wife to stay out of this.
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