My mother recently passed away and 4 of my siblings made arrangements with the local funeral home for cremation as I was unable to be present. When they had called me before the final decision was made on what expenses they where considering, I had indicated that there was an alternative cremation services that could have offerred a savings of $350 on the $2800 total bill. They indicated that that wasn't enough savings to make it "worth the effort" and I agreed that if they were all OK spending the extra money to go ahead and have every thing taken care of locally. Immediately after the memorial, my oldest sibling confronted me that I owed my other sister $470 and needed to write her a check immediately because she had put it on her credit card. I indicated that I would take care of it. The next day I asked my sisters for a copy of any receipt/invoice from the funeral home and I would make prompt payment of my portion. The response was that "it was too much to ask for at this time while everyone was still healing". I replied for them to take as much time as needed but to fulfill my obligations and responsiblities as the head of household for my family I needed transparency in our mother's end-of-live expenses. Now, all my siblings say I'm being unreasonable, that I'm hold my payment hostage, and to just pay up. Is it really that unreasonable especially when as head of household I have to be finanacially responsible to my spouse and children?
While it may help to say "I want to know exactly what my money is going towards so I am accountable for any financial mistakes," the real issue is that they need to be transparent about those matters and that a lack of transparency is itself a red flag.
Good luck!
Rather than tell her brother what the amount is, we give him a spreadsheet showing expense and her SS income, and the split. We also volunteered her bank account passwords and CC password so he can see where all goes. It's what I'd want; he didn't ask for it but we felt it was the best way to put it all in the open, full transparency.
I guess I offer this because it seems this is what your would like. I think it's entirely reasonable. Some people are flip with money, some pay close attention to it. I think you're like I am and are entirely entitled to see the overall accounting; no one should resent that. Of course there may be some family history that complicates it. Of course the one other note might be that depending on family relationships, you may just choose to write the check and be done with it, as long as that doesn't generate long term repressed hard feelings on your part. Good luck.
It's just… a bit… eeeuw. Do you really not trust them to add up?
I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are being a bit pompous. And a bit of a skinflint. At a time when your siblings are probably not in the mood for it. Take a risk, just send your sister the money.
I'm sorry that this has caused unpleasantness for your family. Bereavement does expose nerve endings rather, and people get upset very easily. I hope the dust settles soon. My sympathies for your loss.
I don't know if you have helped care for your Mom throughout her final days or years or if you were largely "away" for the most part and the siblings were the ones who had to do most of the caregiving.
For me, I have been the sole caregiver for my sweet Mama going on four years now, have born the entire expense of her care, had to sell my home at a loss, gave up my job and retirement, etc....and when my Mama passes I already know I am going to be the only one who will pay for the final expenses, even though I have a sibling. My sister in law has not been to this house in over three years to see my Mama even though she and Mama and I were close all of our years together...She does not work, has no children and yet complains about every single thing my brother even attempts to do for Mama or for me. I will say that if my SISTER IN LAW called the funeral home after the sad time when my Mama passes, I would be LIVID....and I have already begun preplanning and the funeral is going to be close to $10,000 NOT including floral, etc. so to be quibbling over this amount of money and for your wife to call the funeral home is honestly so offensive to me I really just don't know what to say.
I am sorry that you are going through this at such a time...To me the best tribute any of us can pay to our parents when t
hey leave us is to show a sense of familial peace and grace ...but sadly I have seen this type of thing happen all too many times...truly, it seems so sad to me to be demanding an itemized invoice and is it really worth breaking up the family over.
When I lost my Daddy, my ex sister in law created so much drama and it was ugly...I knew my brother was not the instigator but the fact he allowed her to do it was and always will be hard for me to get over...Ugly things that happen during such a painful and sad time leave deep deep wounds that often times will not heal...
Personally, unless your siblings have given you reason in the past to be untrustworthy I would pay your part and ask no more questions. And also personally, even if they had over such a small amount of money I would pay it and ask no more questions. And tell your wife to stay out of this.
Maybe it's something that those of us who have had sister's in law who refused to help whatsoever with any aspect of caregiving, including being there for moral or emotional support, however find it all too easy to chime in when our loved ones..particularly our Mom's have passed.
Additionally, as I mentioned, I have had to personally bear the entire financial and emotional aspect of my Mama's care and yet a couple of years ago when a neighbor confronted my sibling about their lack of support attacked me verbally and demanded I provide copies of all documents pertaining to my Mama. I asked them why, were they going to finally help contributing to her care? That was the end of that story.
Not to stir matters even more, but one salient issue in the context of this forum would be how involved in your parents' lives, and especially your late mother's, you were. Could there be any underlying resentment to their current attitude?
When our dad passed, my sister made all the arrangements for his cremation. We shared costs, without questions. The one thing she missed in her grief was that the cemetery had a fee to inter Dad's ashes in the family plot. My husband and I looked at each other and I got out the credit card. My sister didn't know about this oversight until sometime later - why? because we decided that this woman had been holding Dad's hand when he passed and we weren't going to cause her any more sadness. My husband wouldn't let her reimburse us - she'd been helping the folks, she'd done so much for them, I lived out of town, she was in school and money was tight. It's what families do.
My opinion is that to create discord and pain and more drama for your dad, your family over this tiny sum of money seems cruel. As for transparency as head of household, part of marriage is "I'll help with your parents and you, with mine, as we need to".
I hope you're all able to work thru this, as family can be such a precious thing especially as we all get older.
Please be the bigger person here and say OK, I added stress to a difficult situation, I have learned a lesson, and that lesson is: it is less important to be right than to be kind. Don't be estranged from your family if it can be helped. Send them $500.00 and an apology and either flowers, chocolate, or coupons for a spa package in whatever amount you can afford. You had one mom, you have one family, and siblings hating on each other dishonors your mom and creates distress in everyone's life going forward.
If you have never admitting being wrong before, now is as good a time as any to start. You may find it totally refreshing, and I am not being sarcastic. I grew up being unable to admit imperfection because of the way I was raised by my mom, but eventualy learned better; my mom never did, and it blighted her life and our relationship in many ways.
Let me make a suggestion. Your sister who put this on her credit card may have financial issues that you are not privy to. Write her the check now. In 3 months, call up whoever dealt with the funeral home for the final bill on the expenses and file it so that you know it was the correct amount that you paid.
Please remember to send Christmas cards to your siblings this year and checks or gift cards to your nieces and nephews. It's the proper thing to do, just as getting a receipt for the funeral expenses is.
What the principles are on their side, I have no idea. Sounds pretty messed up to me, and out of proportion to your offense.
Write the check NOW. Put in a little extra for the work they did. Back off and let the bad feelings die down.
If you are modeling the principle to your children that it is important to have accurate financial records but you are not modeling the importance of family sticking together in tough times, I feel a little sad for your priorities.
I would just like to add, in lieu of any type of bill being shown to you, you could yourself write up an informal invoice of what you're being asked to contribute as your share, the date of the services rendered and the name of the funeral home. Include names of all siblings that are paying and put a star by your name as the payer. Include your check number that you're paying it, and write on the memo line of the check "Paid in FULL" and also on the invoice.
Just to make it clear to them that you feel your "account" with them is completely done and they don't come after you for some other expense.
This will at least show them how (it sounds like) you wanted to be treated and will fulfill that in some small part. Keep a copy for your family's records and that should suffice.
There does seem to be family friction and division - one can only speculate why. Family matters are complex. Bad language is not appropriate regardless of what is gong on. That your father is willing to throw in the towel on his daughters says to me that the strife has been around for a while. On the other hand, your sisters are grieving the loss of your mum, as are you, I presume and your father. It is a very stressful time for all, and easy for tempers to flare.
I may be wrong, but I wonder if there is much relationship to salvage, all things considered.
Really? You know exactly the billing cycle dates for your sister's charge cards? I barely can keep track of my own so I am amazed you have this memorized for other family members.
And do you also know that putting your share of the expenses on her card didn't put her so close to her limit that she can't use the card again until she pays on it, regardless of the billing cycle?
Yup. Skinflint and pompous know-it-all about sums it up for me.
All, my check to my sister has already been sent, I called, and she has received it. I sent the exact amount she requested. And, she said her CC statement doesn't arrive for another 2 weeks and that it will not have any negative impact on her ability to make any CC purchases for the next month or for the holidays.
For background, 7 years ago our mother had been living in CA and got the notion to move across country back to the family area by herself. She called my sister who paid the funeral expenses to help her to get back but she refused to help her. She, in fact, called me and said she couldn't "deal with it" with mom asking for money for fuel and food and asked if I would take care of it. I did take care of it. I asked my other sisters if they could help and they all said to "leave her out there"! "We don't want here back here nor are we going to spend any of our money bringing her back!" Consulting with my wife, we agreed to make sure she got back safely by hiring a mover to load all her belonging for her and to drive her all the way back. We arranged and paid for an apartment for her living and we paid to send the mover back home. In these last 7 years my wife and I have brought her food regularly, made sure her needs were met, and traveled to visit so she could see her grandchildren every Mother's Day and often for either Thanksgiving/Christmas or holidays. Of my 4 sisters and 1 brother, there is only one that has worked with me in all this (NOT the one who paid). None of the others has stopped to see her in the last 7 years even though one lives less than 5 miles away and the one who paid the funeral expenses is retired at 55, no children, travels alot, has 2 homes and lives only slightly further then myself. Yup, that sure sounds like a "skinfling" and "pompous know-it-all". My prayers go out for your siblings, jeannegibbs.