My husband is 83 years old and I am 70. My husband is severely Bi-Polar, severely Paranoid, and a Narcissus. (No, I'm not calling him names. I've been getting counseling because of all this).
I planned to leave him in 2014 but he had a heart attack so I stayed. In 2015 he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer Stage IV M1a and so I stayed. In 2016 he had an Aortic Aneurysm and so I stayed. This year his PSA has gone up and hormone treatment for his cancer is not working. He has an Ejection Fraction of between 30 to 35%. He can't walk very well but refuses to use a walker or wheel chair, but I've stayed.
When I go out anywhere without him he thinks I'm going to be kidnapped. He also believes doctors are trying to kill him and believes they killed his deceased wife.
He still is an intelligent man when he can be, it's just his paranoia that gets in the way.
He has had every test run on him known to man. No Dementia, but has had several strokes, bleeding of the brain but he's okay that way of the brain.
His test show his heart is doing okay. Stable. Nobody knows yet why his PSA levels are still rising, test results in December will entail what to do next if they continue to rise.
In the mean time, my husbands Paranoia, Bi-Polar and Narcissistic behviors on top of all that I'm dealing with in regards to his other health issues is taking it's toll on me.
His condition monopolizes my life. On top of me not really wanting to be here, I stayed because I feel it is the right thing to do.
Now I find he is getting very aggressive when I tell him no we can't do this or that. The other day when we were at a restaurant and I told him no regarding a matter, I thought he was going to come across the table and beat me to a pulp. The first time I've seen such aggression from him. He's pretty mean spirited but has never been that physical with me. Has grabbed my arms in the past, but never that aggressive.
I'm thinking about putting him into a Nursing Home, but as I've said. He still is an intelligent man. He just can't walk well. (He does have some loss of memory, but all test results show he's doing fine.)
What is my options of putting him in a Nursing Home? What is my options in leaving a man 83 years old with all these illnesses? Would I be abandoning him? He has 3 boys in the late 50's and 60's who he has nothing to do with, but they try to still have some relationship with their dad, but he just doesn't want any part of that. He just wants ME. I never get a break! He takes away my joy, my independence and life.
So, I've spilled my guts out on here about the bad and the ugly. But I don't know what to do or who to go to from here. My Counselor tells me to get out of the house and get a job. Well for one thing, I'm 70 years old and am almost deaf. I have a good education and went on interviews, but whose going to hire a 70 year old woman?
Any suggestions?
As far as getting your husband placed in a nursing home I too believe it's time. Do some research on your own. No need to discuss this with your husband right now. Find a few places you like and arrange for a tour. They'll go over all the financials with you. Pick a place and make the arrangements. Many facilities will help in moving the person in. Inquire about these services. At some point the nursing home will send someone out to your house to do an assessment on your husband and you will need to gather documents from his Dr. (although the nursing home may do this as well). Put off telling your husband as long as you can so you don't have to live with his anger and resentment, his sorrow and his fears. Have all of your "I" 's dotted and your "T" 's crossed.
Based on what you wrote this is the right thing to do. There's still a lot of life out there for you. Good luck and come back and tell us how things are going.
Yes, it is very tough to take care of a spouse, who is mean and has these mental issues to boot. It took me a long time to save up enough money to make the move, and when I finally had enough money saved to escape, he has a heart attack.
Some times ya just got to wonder where is the justice. But there is a reason for everything. Must be a reason for me staying with him this long, as he still continues his abuse towards me.
Perhaps we go through these tough times in order to appreciate the peace that will come afterwards, when it is all over with. The Freedom.
I don't know how to go about putting him in a nursing home. Who do I call? Do I just talk to our primary doctor? He's still capable of fixing things around the house. I don't know. I'm so confused.
Thanks for you answer cwillie. My family lives far away from me, so I don't have anyone personally or physically to be with me as I go through this stuff. And as far as my friends. it's hard to keep friends when you have a husband who believes people who need friends are wimps.
I did call some Senior Citizen Housing for me to move to. And found one. But the waiting list is 2 years. I don't make much money on my Social Security so I can't afford to go anywhere else. And I don't know if I could afford a Nursing Home. But I guess this is where I really need to speak to some one. So all your advice helps me out here. I have to admit. I'm scared.
Granted, he is probably in pain with his various physical issues. I'm sure that affects his mind-set as well. He can't take it out on anyone but you, mostly because you tolerate it. It's easy for us to say "get out" and I've been given that advice too, as well as putting my bedridden husband in a nursing home. But for a lot of reasons, neither one of those options would work for me. Would they work for you? Before you crash and lose your own health, maybe you should visit a lawyer and ask what legal options you have regarding your husband and his sons. More than likely, they don't step up because they know you will. If they're forced to, I'll bet they will. You can also call adult protective services for help. Basically, your future depends on you. What you are doing is noble, but martyrdom has no rewards. It doesn't seem anyone appreciates what you're doing. I'm in the same situation caring for my husband. He's pretty easy going, but if he became verbally or physically abusive, I'd find a way to institutionalize him.
So, I've got to make some decisions. Today I have started thinking now about a Nursing Home, so that in itself is a big step.
Thank you all for your advice. I mean that. Because I'm so mentally exhausted that I am not able to make clear decisions any more. I used to be good at this stuff. But now my brain is just burned out. It's tough to put someone in a Nursing Home when they have a strong Character and mindset.
My husband is a recovering Alcoholic. A strong bullyish man. Hasn't had a drink in 40 years but was a real drunk, I'm told, because I didn't meet him until later in life so I've never known him as a drunk. But all he talks about is his "Bar Days"... And his friends were all like him. Viking type men. Always getting in fights. But since he quit drinking he became quite successful and doesn't act that way anymore. But he still has that personality. I worked in Substance Abuse for many years so I know that when an Alcoholic recovers, they still have the same personalty of an Alcoholic.
So, I've dealt with a lot over these 20 years and I'm ready to face the last part of my life with some peace. But I need it soon. I can't explain the depth of how emotional and physically drained I am. I cry all the time. I pray for my freedom. I feel like I'm in prison and each time the doctor says he is now okay, I feel like my pardon was taken away from me. I mean this with my entire soul. And I feel guilty about it.
You know what. The first counselor I saw I told him that I felt guilty because I wished my husband would pass away so I could be free. That was why I first starting going in 2016. I felt so much guilt.
He said to me, "So in other words you want your husband dead". That shocked me. I didn't know if he was asking me if I wanted my husband killed. But if I wanted my husband to pass away so I would be free, then I guess in reality I wanted my husband dead and so I said yes. But I didn't mean I want someone to murder him. Or dead. I wanted him to just pass away from natural causes. But now I have it on my record as wanting my husband dead, and I am so worried about that. If anything happened to husband, they would think I murdered him. So I went to see another counselor and she is fine. But on everything else I've suffered with this man and now his illness, I now have it on record that I want him dead. Wow, what a thing to live with. Because in everything I write, here and now, could be construed as me wanting my husband dead. It's hard to live with that idea.
Nancy, only you can decide what you want to do. No one can decide for you. We are all apprehensive when it comes to big life changes and it's tempting just to go on like we are, even if it will eventually destroy our lives. But when we put on our big girl pants and deal with things, it doesn't take long to realize we did the right thing...and the healing begins for us. Good luck. I wish you peace.
Why do you feel you must stay? If he was in good health would it be easier to leave? Why does his poor health make it harder? I think you know it is not going to get any easier.
Your health, safety and peace of mind should be your first concern. Let his sons step up to the plate.
Plus the only money I would have to live on is the proceeds from the sale of our house as the waiting list for Senior Apartments has a 2 year waiting list. Most of the money we had in savings has been spent on our out-of-pocket expenses for all his tests, and hospital stays, and medicine that Medicare doesn't cover.
Plus I've been with him for 20 years now and there are moments when he is the man I thought he was, once. There are moments when I think, well maybe I'm just blowing things out of proportion. But in seconds his actions brings me back to reality. It is truly an emotional roller coaster. A typical co-dependency.
But this is a site for being a caregiver and not for mental and physical abuse.
My counselor worries about me too. She thinks I should stay until we get the test results back. I should know more about his health by the end of December. If his cancer is spreading, and if his heart is getting weaker. If I can just hang on a little longer. And here we go again, my waiting for someone to die.
One thing you should know and it does make a difference, is that my husband and I are married in name only and always have. We live in separate parts of the house. It's the way he wants things. So there has never been any closeness between us. If I tried to get close to him, his dog would bite me and he would laugh and say, "Aw she loves her daddy. She's trying to protect her daddy". Yes, I know it's sick. And that is why I am in counseling.
But enough of this. I need to stop. I think the reason why I've said all this is because you don't know who I am, and somehow as I kept typing I just felt like I wanted to tell you everything. Get it all out in the open. And as I write all this and see the words, I think to myself, Oh my gosh, this is awful. How sick I really am for staying this long. I kept making up excuses why I should stay, and I really see now that I truly do need to get out because my story is really bad and you don't even know all of it. As I read what I wrote, I can't believe it. I can't believe this is my story. I can't believe I allowed it to happen. Wow, such dysfunction.
When it is all over with, I will come back and share with you the ending. After writing all this, I most definitely will leave. Once I get all my "ducks in a row", I will leave.
Sick, dying or not.
Thank you for listening and all your input.
I would think about what Hugemom wrote above. You have a therapist to talk with and were able to make that decision on your own - too bad the first one had the empathy of a stone asking the sort of question that he did and the awful assumption he recited back to you.
I would next see a lawyer and discuss your options.
Hang in there. The emotions you are having are yours & you have a right to feel that way, but my real concern is that you may be at great risk of physical harm right now - with your husband and his dog now that I read that.
Keep a personal journal of these episodes of abuse - verbal, emotional & physical. When any man touches a woman in anger, as Hugemom said, that is physical abuse.
He can live for a long time, or not. He even guilts you in the doctor’s office (emotional abuse).
If you find yourself in immediate harm again, get out. Go to a homeless shelter if you must, but leave.
You have a lot of living to do. He has many complex issues.
Please consider seeing an attorney next.
Good luck and don’t feel bad coming here to vent.
Heart function at roughly half of normal.
Strokes, aneurysms.
This may not be a problem for very much longer.
However, it would be immoral to hope for that anyway, and besides Nancy clearly is a loyal and staunch woman who wishes her husband well. All she wants is not necessarily to be stuck in the same house as he is, at the very least not all the dam' time.
Nancy, reading through I have the impression that you have just one bad habit. You agree with your husband too much. He says he needs you - on a whole series of occasions - and you agree, and stay. He says friends are for wimps, so you stop seeing your friends. He says he's not abusive, so you ignore verbal and physical behaviours which are borderline *at best*.
It is hard to leave a dying man, you're right. And after all the care and love you've invested in this (I won't add an adjective) man, there is something to be said for seeing the journey through.
So what to do?
Stop agreeing with him. Make your decisions based on *your* judgement, not his.
For example. You stay because he needs you. But he doesn't, objectively speaking, need you. All of his needs are quite capable of being supplied by other people, at home or in another setting. No harm would come to him purely by reason of your not being there. No one is indispensable. So if you choose to stay, stay because you choose to support him. He doesn't "need" you.
Friends are for wimps, are they? On the contrary: friends are for well-adjusted adults who recognise the value of human interaction. If you feel you can't invite friends to your house because they would be made unwelcome, then go out and see them. You don't need your husband's permission. You could even get yourself a badge reading "Wimp In Chief" if you like - his opinion on this is ridiculous, so laugh at it.
And plan an exit route. If you begin to feel really threatened or if God forbid your husband does physically assault you, you need to be able to leave the house at once. So have in mind somewhere to go and a way of getting there. There is nothing in the world that justifies a spouse staying with a violent partner, not even his mental or physical illness. You do not stay in range of something that will hurt you, it's that simple.
Most of all, be in charge of what you do. You know your husband is wrong, sometimes. Don't comply with points of view you know are wrong. Trust yourself to make good decisions based on valid reasoning.
I agree that you have done your time and need to put yourself first as you create a better future for yourself.
You can do this.
Kind of makes me think he married you just to have a housekeeper and someone to dump on.
Time to move on he has no respect for you at all.
Go see the lawyer and move on . As we age we begin to realize time is running out
and we need to be happy with ourselves.
No more taking abuse from anyone..
Take care of yourself now..
I want you out, but you have a lot to consider and prepare for your future. You have spent two decades in this marriage. You need to consult with an attorney. Do you know what is in the will? Have you been in charge of paying bills and are you confident that you are aware of all financial assets? Would he hide assets from you? Is it possible that there are accounts/funds of which you are unaware? Does it all go to you upon his death? Is your name on the deed to the house? Does he receive a pension? If so will it continue to you after he passes? You need to understand the financial implications of divorce vs. his passing naturally.
If you decide to wait for the December test results and they indicate that he has limited time and you decide to stay, that does not mean things need to continue as they are now. It is time for you to renew your friendships. You need a break desperately. You need to vent, you need to laugh. You need to remember what it feels like to feel good. Start going out to meet friends, be The Chief Wimp.
If he truly needs someone to stay home with him call and hire someone from one of the numerous home care companies. He will try to guilt you, but calmly explain that your needs are different than his and while you have seen to his needs, you have sacrificed your own for as long as you can. You can arrange to have someone come the same day(s) every week. If you don't have friends to get together with, go out to lunch, go to a movie, get your nails and/or hair done, shop for a new outfit. But take that time every week. Then when December comes you can re-evaluate what you want and need for yourself.
I am not saying stay until December. But if you decide that you must, make changes that make it more bearable. If he ever raises a hand to you, it is time to leave. Get your plan in place now should you need to leave quickly. You have sacrificed enough, it is time some good came your way.
With regard to finding a job, I'm 61 and having a terrible time finding a job after moving to a major metropolitan area to be near my 90 year old mother. I also have a good education and years of good experience, but I get interviews and not job offers. After researching this problem, I learn that once you turn 50 it's really, really hard to find a job, even if you are well educated with lots of experience. So your counselor's suggestion to get a job isn't realistic.
Please take care of yourself above anyone else. Best to you.
As to the wanting him dead comment, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Many a wife has said this at one time or the other. Those married to an aggressive bipolar, even more so. Heck, when the hospice socal worker first came in the door and asked how things were going... I just smiled and said, "Haven't killed him yet."
Don't feel guilty about dreaming about freedom! It's a dream you have had for a long time. We give it our all, until at times we are maxed out, then give a little more. That does take a toll.
All of this comes with mixed feelings. For me, I'm using the mind frame of yes I will miss him, yes I will enjoy the freedom. For him and I'm sure yours it isn't easy for them either. Their whole life has been living to the beat of a different drum. The anger, the depression, and those darn manic times don't make for a happy person. Sometimes death can be a blessing.
Not sure I understand your financial situation, but you might consider putting your husband into assisted living and then moving into a van for awhile. Many people these days are living in vans to save money and get their bearings, and many are older women. There are articles on the web and You Tube videos about this lifestyle. No one would even have to know how you living unless you want them to.
Please keep us posted. Good luck.
You must think logically about this. You are 70 years old. He is 83. Granted he has some health issues, but an ejection fraction of 30 to 35% isn't terrible. How long are you going to stick around, allow him to abuse you (and I say "allow" because that is exactly what you are doing by staying"), make you miserable & steal whatever life you have left? You say that we go through tough times in order to appreciate the peace that will come afterward, the freedom----WHAT? The way you're going, your husband is going to be the one at peace & free because he will outlive you. Our responsibility in life is to ourselves---maybe to our kids when they are young---and to maintain our own health & sanity. You owe NOTHING to this man.
You don't have to secretly plan anything---tell your husband you're leaving, and then leave.