My husband is 83 years old and I am 70. My husband is severely Bi-Polar, severely Paranoid, and a Narcissus. (No, I'm not calling him names. I've been getting counseling because of all this).
I planned to leave him in 2014 but he had a heart attack so I stayed. In 2015 he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer Stage IV M1a and so I stayed. In 2016 he had an Aortic Aneurysm and so I stayed. This year his PSA has gone up and hormone treatment for his cancer is not working. He has an Ejection Fraction of between 30 to 35%. He can't walk very well but refuses to use a walker or wheel chair, but I've stayed.
When I go out anywhere without him he thinks I'm going to be kidnapped. He also believes doctors are trying to kill him and believes they killed his deceased wife.
He still is an intelligent man when he can be, it's just his paranoia that gets in the way.
He has had every test run on him known to man. No Dementia, but has had several strokes, bleeding of the brain but he's okay that way of the brain.
His test show his heart is doing okay. Stable. Nobody knows yet why his PSA levels are still rising, test results in December will entail what to do next if they continue to rise.
In the mean time, my husbands Paranoia, Bi-Polar and Narcissistic behviors on top of all that I'm dealing with in regards to his other health issues is taking it's toll on me.
His condition monopolizes my life. On top of me not really wanting to be here, I stayed because I feel it is the right thing to do.
Now I find he is getting very aggressive when I tell him no we can't do this or that. The other day when we were at a restaurant and I told him no regarding a matter, I thought he was going to come across the table and beat me to a pulp. The first time I've seen such aggression from him. He's pretty mean spirited but has never been that physical with me. Has grabbed my arms in the past, but never that aggressive.
I'm thinking about putting him into a Nursing Home, but as I've said. He still is an intelligent man. He just can't walk well. (He does have some loss of memory, but all test results show he's doing fine.)
What is my options of putting him in a Nursing Home? What is my options in leaving a man 83 years old with all these illnesses? Would I be abandoning him? He has 3 boys in the late 50's and 60's who he has nothing to do with, but they try to still have some relationship with their dad, but he just doesn't want any part of that. He just wants ME. I never get a break! He takes away my joy, my independence and life.
So, I've spilled my guts out on here about the bad and the ugly. But I don't know what to do or who to go to from here. My Counselor tells me to get out of the house and get a job. Well for one thing, I'm 70 years old and am almost deaf. I have a good education and went on interviews, but whose going to hire a 70 year old woman?
Any suggestions?
You’ve already begun your journey to peace and freedom by inquiring about housing for yourself and beginning to make a plan. You just need accurate information to act upon. So see a lawyer, talk to any senior housing or services center personnel in your area (or somewhere a distance away). To me, my first stop is always my lawyer. Have your questions written down and ready. A lawyer is NOT a therapist. You can do it, stay focused, try to avoid sinking back into that sea of despair!
As regards leaving him, well I suspect you have a lot of guilt in that matter, wedding vows all that 'through hard and good times' etc. But as we live in a time of more free will and choice, we don't have to adhere to those unspoken rules of sticking by your man. But at the same time it sounds like his behaviour is down to his health so HE must be still in there somewhere. In regard to asking for advice, only you know what you will do. But Whatever decision you make Don't feel guilty, no one signs up for treatment like that. And you deserve a life too.
Ditch your counsellor and buy this book instead. Feel the fear and do it anyway. By Susan Jeffers. Its a great book which will give you strength.
Are there any carer support groups nearby? Be strong and good luck.
Nancy
You're to be commended for not leaving your pets. I wouldn't, either, and when at first you talked about leaving Munchie behind it was heartbreaking. I wish more people were as kind to animals as you are.
Eventually the Old Goat will be gone and you'll be free.
Because I am low income, the rent in regular apartments are as high as my income. However, I have enough money in my savings to pay for other things for a year or two, but that's all. Even though my animals are old, they may live longer than two years, and then I'd be in a bind.
I did talk to someone in another Senior Citizen Apartment in the same city and they too said only one pet, but I told them that my animals were old and they wouldn't be around too much longer and she did tell me, in a hush hush type of voice, that they probably would allow me to have my two pets. But the waiting list to get into this place could take a few years.
I do love myself, believe me, however, sometimes, a breathing living soul, (and animals are a living soul) when it comes to being tortured or mistreated, has to come first. I can't deliberately walk away from her knowing what will happen to her.
She loves me so. She kisses me all the time. I get the love from her that I don't get from my husband or family. We play, she gets her toy for me when I come back from shopping. She can't wait to see what I have in the grocery bag. Is their a special treat for her. (She's already licking her lips). She waits with great patience to see what's in the bags.
After she goes outside to do her business, if I don't give her a treat as a good girl when she comes in, she will stare at the treat bag on the coffee table, (Standing as stiff as can be, like a bird dog pointing at the bird on the ground), until I give her a treat.
She is funny, she is sweet, she is the love of my life, along with my cat who thinks she's a dog. My cat sits up like a dog. Every time you look at her she's sitting up or laying on her back. She is over weight and is very spoiled.
My cat is everywhere I am. If I go to the bathroom, there she is. If I go downstairs to the living room. There she is. If I go into the kitchen, there she is. She never let's me out of her sight.
If I don't see her for awhile, I will call her name, and I will see her peeking around the corner to see what I want. And I'll say, oh there you are. If she can't find me, she comes looking for me, on the rare occasions we aren't together.
You see these animals are not animals to me. They are my family. They give me what no other human being gives me, because my family lives very far away from me, so I have nobody else but them.
Could anyone walk away from their children knowing that they would be left in an abusers hands?
I can't. They are my family. They are my daughters. They are everything to me.
Arwen31 I will keep looking. I may try to get a doctors note stating that I have to have these animals, and see if this Senior Citizen place will make an exception that I have to have both. I think that's a good idea. My Primary Care Doctor, knows what I've been going through, I think he will do that for me. Then it will be up to the apartment complex.
Thanks for your love and caring for me on this site. At least it's a place for me to talk about it. Remember, these apartments haven't come open yet, so I have to stay, right now.
So, the dog must come with you, simple as that :)
It's just a matter of finding a way.
Some ideas:
* since you are so emotionally stressed - as anybody would be in your position - perhaps you can register your dog as an Emotional Support dog or Service dog?
* find a place where you are allowed to take all 3 animals with you. Even if it means waiting a bit longer, the thought that you WILL have your freedom with all your animals with you will make you strong enough to resist some longer, without the need of thinking about your husband's death (which btw, it's a very human thought to have).
All your feelings are right. Don't torture yourself questioning them, focus your energy in creating a plan which won't make you feel torn. You can have your life, with all your animals, and your husband will have some care from you too. It is possible, and you'll make it happen :)
We are rooting for you and the animals here.
There is one doctor he respects and that's his Urologist. My husbands PSA keeps rising. It was 4.4 in September and this month it jumped to 9.4. Therefore, his current hormone treatment isn't working and they want him to go on some trial drugs as a volunteer. (We have an appointment to see his Urologist tomorrow).
I am so emotionally and mentally and physically drained. I feel guilty for my thoughts. I wake up shaking now. Lots of tremors. My ulcers are killing me. I don't sleep. And I have to say that I hate my life.
The apartment hasn't come available yet. I'm 10 on the list now instead of 12. But then, my dog.
I'm only allowed two animals. I have a cat and a dog. I can't give either up. They are both old.
It's like I'm playing a waiting game. I would love to keep the house. I figure if my husband is going to die soon, then it's worth staying. But if he's got several years left, I have to go. But then my dog.
Isn't it horrible of me to be hanging on a thread wondering if someone I've been with for almost 20 years to die, so I can have a life? That's pretty sick.
The other day I was talking to him and I guess I must have been scratching my stomach while speaking to him because he started acting like a monkey and scratching his stomach. I just turned and walked away.
He's always making fun of me and how fat my butt is. Everyday I wonder what else he's going to find that I'm doing that he can make fun of.
I'm so lost. I know what I should do, but back to square one, my beautiful sweet little doggie. All I can picture is him and his three children that are just like him, hurting her, and her being tortured or killed by a car. I have awful thoughts.
How I wish all of you could leave for me. Transport yourselves in my body for just a moment and leave for me, because I can't seem to do it by myself. I have too much love for my dog.
I'm pretty nuts, aren't I. I'm giving up my life for my dog. But if I did leave my dog behind, I couldn't live with myself. I'd be so depressed and worried what kind of a life would I have then. No better than what I have now.
So this is me. Crazy. Lost. A person who has no life. He's always been the center of attention with everyone, while I am just nobody in the room.
Nancy, I've just read your thread today and I read through all the pages cause I wanted to know you were finally free in your new apartment. Does the above quote mean you deleted the contract?
I just wanted to say one thing, whatever you have decided: you seem to have much more courage and awareness than you perhaps realise.
Among all the great analysis you made of your situation, with a huge honesty and strength, this is what sticked with me, something you wrote in the first page:
“I don't dare tell him anything because he could do something bad to me. So I will. “
I do recognise the rebellious strike, cause I have it myself.
This is exactly what saved me from very similar situations in the past.
This is the strength that will protect you, and guide you, and make you sit by your sense of guilt and watch it without turning your sight off until you’ll have your life back in your hands and your freedom and your soul will rejoice.
Your plan of taking care of your husband a few times a week living in another house was a great idea: taking care of someone as a choice, out of deliberate compassion and not out of guilt and fear. As someone said, we are not human beings having spiritual experiences, we are spiritual beings having a human experience; on a spiritual level, the reason behind our actions counts more than the actions themselves.
Sending you all my encouragement, whatever you’ll decide.
2. Contact Adult Protective Services immediately and tell them exactly this story. Keep their 24/7 number on you at all times.
3. Find a nursing home and tell his sons you are leaving. Tell them his care is now up to them.
Your life is worth as much as his and theirs and this will very possibly kill you and has already shortened it. You deserve to find happiness in THIS life and not wait for something in another-if that is part of your belief system. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. Some pretty awful things just happen and we have to respond in the best way we can, given our own abilities and health issues. If you continue to stay because you are afraid to leave or there are financial considerations, get some counseling through a local resource center. Call the Alzheimer's Association, even though you say he does not have dementia, I would bet my life that he does. They will help you get help local to your area. Taking the first step is very hard and very emotional, but it will open the doors for you. Lastly-DO NOT STAY!
The abuse reached a point...I just got in my car and drove away. YEs, he was ill and needed full time help. Yes, I felt guilt over it.
Then I remembered the many times he was abusive to me, and I didn't care anymore.
I warn all my friends....if you encounter a bi-polar person..run the other way!
But at night, when it's time to go to bed, is when I worry about what should I do? What is the right thing to do?
Can someone leave a dying man and live with themselves? And, is it legal? (Here I go again)
(Actually, it must be okay because some of the many articles I've read are of older people leaving their spouses who are ill. Heck, my dad left my mother when she was in the hospital and left her with my sister and they were in their middle and late 70's).
This is an article I just read, that was written by someone who is in my same shoes.
“Continue to move forward. If you do not take care of you, who will? I am sure that your husband is not happy or supportive of your changes. But, do you really expect him to be? As long as you were taking care of him and neglecting yourself, he was happy. Now the tables have turned.
His choice to not take care of his health may easily be his efforts to keep you there and maintain control. His health is “his” health.
You should not allow yourself to feel responsible or guilty about it. It is his choice to take care of (or fail to take care of) his health.
If you stay with him because of his illness, you will always be “stuck" with him. He will control you through his illnesses. If he thinks you are leaving or becoming too independent, he will have a medical crisis to keep you in check.
You have summed up your feelings about the marriage in a nutshell: You do not want to be married. That is a clear and honest statement. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be married. Your husband has given you multiple grounds for wanting a divorce.
These decisions must be made based on what is in your best interest. You are smart. Act smart! Make the decision that is going to keep you moving forward.”
END QUOTE
Each day, because I live upstairs, I have to go up and down the stairs, like 30 times a day, at least.
In our old place, I had to walk up two sets of stair because I lived in the upper level, and went up and down the stairs like 30 times a day. So, for almost 20 years, I've gone up and done stairs to the point that my knees can no longer tolerate going up and down stairs. I just can't do it anymore. I need either a ranch style home or elevators. The Senior complex has ELEVATORS. My knees are killing me and have been for a long time.
So...I'm back to my plan of moving when an opening comes available.
Leaving Munchie behind will be hard, but in order for me to protect her and my interest in the house, I will have to be his caregiver, from a distance.
I would do everything that I'm doing now for him, except I would be doing it like any other caregiver. Instead of me being with him 24/7, I would visit him on Wednesdays, to take him shopping and to fill up his pill box, and Saturdays to take him shopping and to spend the day with him, doing whatever he wants to do. Then I would go home.
I would take him to the doctors, make his appointments, and take care of all the bills, just like I'm doing now because I have an interest in the home. (I would have full control of the money) This way I will be protecting my interest in the property, I would be protecting Munchie, I would be free, and because I would have a break from him, it would allow me to be more patient with his horrible jokes, and the things that he says. The PARANOIA !!!!
So, I truly believe this is the plan. I can't keep giving up my life for him. I believe that I’m still being a good Christian, taking care of her sick husband, but also taking care of me too, which is important.
It will be tough to move with him begging me to stay full time, but I can handle that. I believe it's a good compromise.
When the time comes that he can no longer be taken care of at home, via a caregiver, me, then I will sell the house and put him in a Nursing Home. (By rights, the government can't take my share of the house to pay for his Nursing Home. So, most likely they will take his Social Security Check, his Pension Check and his half of the proceeds of the house to pay for his care and I'm okay with that.) I don't need much. I just need to be free.
I know nothing about any of this financially or legally. Nancy mentioned turning the house over to his kids if he goes into care and before she does anything like that it seems wise to get the advice of a knowledgeable attorney and also maybe a C.P.A. so that she doesn't give herself the short end of the stick.
Good going!
Can you get free or low cost legal advice about protecting yourself in this complicated situation? I'm worried that you'll be too "nice" and not get your fair share.
Some reasons are:
*Aggression of the patient: And he has begun to be more aggressive with me lately, to the point that I am somewhat frightened. I'm a little nerved up about all this lately.
CAREGIVER SIGNS
*Increased Stress
*Their Health is at risk
*Avoidance behaviors (Yep I've been trying to avoid him for a very long time)
*Disabling anxiety (yep sought counseling and was on meds for depression)
*Hyper-vigilance
*Intrusive thoughts and more. Yep that's me all over the place.
They liken all this to someone as having PTS disorder due to the psychological costs of being a caregiver and of making difficult decisions.
The article says that if you are feeling isolated and alone, or if you begin to feel resentful of your loved one, it might be time to examine the source of those feelings.
*Anger
*Resentment
*Sleep deprivation
*Guilt
So, I've separated everything that I'm taking with me in a way that it's ready to go on a moments notice into a moving truck, yet not so noticeable as to my husband seeing boxes laying all around indicating that I will be moving. (I have everything packed in my dresser drawers) LOL So, all I need to take with me is my bedroom outfit, my piano, and my clothes, and that's it. Oops don't want to forget my cat Lulu and dog Munchie.
I think while I'm waiting for the apartment to come available for me, and I hope this works out this way, that I will be able to place him in a Nursing Home. (I do have POA) And a Medical POA as well.
If he does go into a Nursing Home then I can sell the house and I will be able to have enough money to take care of the animals and have some extra money to live on. Vet bills, and pet food, etc.
If the doctors don't feel that he's not ready for a Nursing Home, then I will tell the kids that I'm leaving and that they can have the house when their dad passes away if they take care of their dad, because he can't drive and I won't be leaving him the car.
Okay, another decision made.
I am downsizing now. Planning what stuff to take with me. I don't have much, because I lived upstairs in these small bedrooms for so many years. So all I have is my bedroom outfit and my clothes and my Piano, which is in the living room.
I've been looking online at the type of furniture I plan to buy. It will be the first time I had a choice in the matter. I feel like a little kid.
I look at the photo's of the apartment and say to myself, well I think I'll put my Piano over there, and put my new sofa over here, and then I giggle. I'm so excited about shopping for stuff for me without someone telling me no, and then buying what he wants. Honest to Pete, I truly feel like a little kid in a candy store.
I've got it really well planned out now. Meeting with people about his ability to stay by himself, if not, then what are my options. And I may not be able to take Munchie at the moment I leave, but I do plan to go back and get her, some way !!!! She's such a sweet pea. She is part Poodle and Dachshund and loves me dearly. She will be looking outside the window laying on the back of the sofa and when I sit down, she all of sudden she turns around and starts kissing me. What a charmer she is.
So, everyone, I'm just letting life take me where it's supposed to take me.
All of you, plus my son and sister, have given me the courage to actually take action. Because when people like me, who are co-dependent, and are by themselves, they think that it's really us that's the problem. We tend to think, well, it's really not as bad as I'm making it out to be. Oh, he's really not that bad, or I'm taking everything out of context. Even making excuses for him, saying, well he doesn't really mean it, it's just how he was raised. I mean the excuses go on. And then when you confront them and see them sad or angry, then we feel guilty and sad and think once again to ourselves, why am I so mean. When really we aren't the mean ones, are we!!!
So, one step at a time, and God will take me where I'm supposed to be.
:)
Wow--good plan! Six months will fly by and gives you time to quietly organize a quick, smooth move. Would it help to gradually move some things to a storage unit or do the actual move when he's gone or sleeping? Think how much better your life is about to become!
Play your cards close to your chest and don't talk with him about what you're doing, otherwise he'll work on you and talk you out of leaving. These people pick us because we are softies--please don't let him stop you. And pleeeease don't let him keep Munchie.
Another step, but I don't feel happy or good inside in one respect, because I'm hurting someone by me leaving them.
My next step will be to try and convince my husband that Munchie needs to go with me.
It will be very hard to actually move my stuff out with him there in the house when the time comes, but I know I will gain strength once I have actually signed a Lease Agreement for the apartment. Then I know I have to do it.
When I sign the Lease Agreement it will be at that time that I will contact his sons and notify them of what is going on.
I have a binder already ready for his sons to look at with all of my husbands medical information, things they need to know, what bills will need to be paid, etc. It includes all important documents that he will need for the house, etc.
He could also move to a Senior Citizen Apartment like I'm doing. I told him that, but he doesn't want to. It would be perfect for him (not with me or in my building) but there are several around like the one I will be moving too. But, he won't help himself, and so I have to remember this when I begin to feel sorry for him.
Heck, he has his sons, three big grown men, to help take care of him, whereas, if he passed away before me, I'd be totally alone. Nobody to take care of me as my son lives in Florida and my sister is disabled and lives 300 miles away from me.
As we grow older, we have to face the fact that we will need to take care of ourselves until we no longer can..meaning Nursing Home.
That's my update
You might consider buying a little piece of land. You could plop a good size garden shed on it to live in instead of renting for the rest of your life. There 's a guy on you tube (Solar Living, I think) who shows how to do that and live almost free. I don't need much space either and plan to do that.
You sound kind and intelligent--it's heartwarming that you care so much about your pets. I can see why he latched onto you. I'm not religious but I pray you don't sacrifice your remaining years to him.
She asked if I thought he was capable of harming all these people. I said no, but he doesn't mind if someone else does it. He admires Hitler. YEP!!! So is he capable of hiring someone? No. However, one never knows when someone goes completely crazy. (I often wondered if Hitlers wife agreed with him on things because she was his wife. And if not, how she handled it all. I don't agree with anything my husband believes in, in regards to race or cultures. He's way over the top and nutzy coocoo. I told my counselor that too.
I have stopped going to counseling a few months ago because she keeps trying to get me to leave him and then she says no stay because you don't have money to leave.
Plus they may think you are abandoning him and you may get in trouble. And then she says get a job, but the doctors tell me, No you can't get a job and leave him alone. So it's been making me more crazy, so I just stopped going.
I did contact a lawyer, and he said I could leave, but I better make sure I get a divorce, because I will be responsible for the house and everything as long as I'm married to him.
Sometimes too much advice can make a situation worse because everybody has their own opinion. But, it's the support that matters, and it is up to me to weigh the opinions and see what works for me. And is why I appreciate each and everyone of you.
Could you have a quiet word with the cardiovascular consultant and see if he can't organise a psych evaluation - explaining to DH that it's a natural continuation of the heart investigations, which it arguably is.
The thing is. One can say to oneself, oh that's just how that person is. But on the other hand if that person has access to weaponry and routinely mouths off about what sound like violent fantasies but then something godawful happens, you can't very well later on say you never saw it coming.
So if only from an abundance of caution, and good public spiritedness, it would be worth finding out what his baseline functioning is and what the treatment options, if any, are. And if it should turn out that they also get him out of the house and into a facility, it won't be your fault, will it?