My 92 year old mother recently lost her 99 year old brother. Please note she only saw him a few times in the last 10 years and they rarely spoke on the phone. She wants to go to the memorial service which is a 4-5 hour drive away. I am dreading this trip since she will talk non-stop the entire trip. And it will likely end up a 2 day trip with a hotel stay.
On any trip with her, even a 15 minute trip to a store, she complains non-stop about everything in her life past and present, repeating the same complaints I have heard over and over.
When she isn't complaining she reads aloud EVERY billboard and road sign. On one trip I kept count, to distract myself, and she couldn’t go 10 seconds without a comment of some kind.
I am single and happy with my own company so a long trip shut up with her will be exhausting. Add in the physical stress of driving the car, every restroom and meal stop includes wrestling her rolling walker in and out of the car then slowly walking into the facility while she complains about her physical debility, the lack of access for the elderly, heavy doors, etc.
Mom lives in AL and spends most of her day in her room watching TV so having an audience is her idea of heaven. I try so hard to be understanding but how do I get her to meet me half way? Would I be a horrible person for spiking her water bottle with Ambien?
My 92 year old always- sniping and non -stop complaining mother is also 90% deaf, which adds even MORE fun to the outing experiences! But she refuses to go to funerals.....she even passed on her own mother's! Her excuse is she's respected these people in life, that's good enough. I guess since they're dead and won't know she's there at the funeral, presumably, then she can't get the Brownie Points for showing up.
In any event, I can't advise you on what to do to minimize your pain and suffering here, short of wearing earplugs......think she'd notice? Maybe some Xanax for you in the evenings at the hotel will help you relax. I truly do not think you can do a single thing to get her to meet you half way. These women have NO IDEA they're so negative or annoying, nor do they care one iota, so they can't change something they don't acknowledge to begin with. Unfortunately.
Good luck and Godspeed, dear woman.
There are people who believe it's their sworn duty to fill every waking moment with chatter. My 93-year-old mother (with dementia) is one of those. Always has been. It would be bad enough if it was reading billboards but most of it is complaining, dredging up issues from the past and present ad nauseum. (I find myself mouthing her words as she complains, so familiar am I with her stories). She seldom takes naps and never as a passenger in my car. There's no relief.
First of all I would never, ever take Mom on a 4-hour trip. I'd be suicidal before we reached the half-way mark. I limit the duration of our excursions 20 minutes at a stretch, max. I tell Mom she gets 15 minutes to complain; her time is up. Makes her mad but I'm past caring. Sometimes that hushes her up for a few minutes. Sometimes I turn the radio up. Real loud. Or pop in music or a book on CD, loud enough to drown her out.
At mid-stage she's easier to redirect. When she gets stuck on something negative, which is highly typical, I ask her about some pleasant association from her past; usually about her parents or siblings from way back. At least positive chatter is better than negative chatter.
Spiking her water with Ambien? Tempting, but no. For me, that just crosses the line, unless it's bed-time for your mom, she won't hush up, and necessity requires you share her sleeping quarters. But no, my dear, you are not a horrible person. Just a tired, exasperated, desperate person. (((Hugs)))
Hope this helps.
I can understand what you are talking about. I drove my former mother in law over 1000 km or 13 hours to go to a family reunion. She has complained about her ex husband since the day I met her. They were divorced decades ago and she had remarried and been widowed. That trip she complained almost all the way both ways. Me, I would turn up the radio a bit louder to drowned her out.
I need laughs. All I can get. Thanks!
I guess maybe I am hard-core but I just think mean people need to realize there is a limit as to how much other people will volunteer to experience their meanness and unpleasantness. She can send some flowers or try to rope in a younger, more gullible family member. No.
👍. Agree.
It's better than drugging your mother!
Or, better yet, play some music you both like on the car stereo. Musicals? Golden oldies? Grand or comic opera?
Just kidding.
Not really.
In terms of reading aloud the road signs this probably keeps her busy and yes it is annoying for you but i think that might be better than what happened to me above. The question perhaps is that is she reading the signs correctly or does she often get it wrong?
I think you will not be able to cope with this 5 hours. I couldn't cope with my father for 30 minutes so imagine what it would be like for five hours and a hotel stay overnight and then your five hours drive back the next day omg!!!! Hope you get it sorted
I really laughed out loud at what you went thru with your dad, even though I realize it's NOT funny at all. My God, what these elders put us through is absolutely maddening, isn't it?
All the best to you as you navigate this awful disease with your father
just dont take the trip at all...it's ridiculous.
(In my lowly opinion).
Think about how great you'd feel if you just weren't going! It's not unreasonable or a sin, to just say 'not going'.
This is all about show, no reason to take her.
Just say No and get on with your life.
I dont mind you laughing afterall laughter is important. Yes he is a nightmare but its not nightmare as in i accept it cos he is a nice appreciating person because he is not. We have a very tense relationship. I only do this because if i didn't no one else will.
I would love to hang out with you! You are a bright spot on this forum.
You always make me giggle. Thanks.
I still think the trip is ill-advised, however. Best to you and let us know what you decide and how it turns out!
Other then that, laugh
Hi actually i am a son not a daughter. I dont usually cry. I have become very strong and hardened towards him in fact cold. This is due to the non existant relationship. Someone has to do it and with mum having passed away 7 years ago it all falls on me. I am getting carers in place so hopefully will have some respite. I have many things i could share with you about dad. Might make you laugh too. Fancy a chat?
I fully realize older people have to go to the bathroom more. My husband at age 64 is starting to make more frequent bathroom trips. I get it. No matter where we go, we get out the car and I am a bazillion steps ahead of him because he stopped to use the bathroom.
Geeeez! Once I called a complete stranger ‘honey’ and started talking to him because I thought he was my husband behind me. The man was very sweet and started laughing and called me ‘sweetie’. It was embarrassing for me. I told my husband after he caught up to me to please tell me he was stopping off at the bathroom so I won’t talk to strangers thinking it’s him. Hahaha.
My mother has real anxiety about the bathroom. Even a five minute drive to the doctor’s office was a nightmare. The entire time she complained about needing to use the bathroom. She had just gone before leaving the house. She was wearing a pull-up. She would go straight to the bathroom. Sometimes she would go but other times she just sat there without actually going to the bathroom, saying that she thought she had to go. It was total panic for her. She is almost 94. I don’t know if I would do a four hour trip with a person in their 90’s. Good luck if you do and pack lots of diapers!
Reading billboards, yeah my dad did that. Didn’t bother me in the least. Some of the things my dad did was funny and I looked at it as free entertainment. You know, it’s funny because sometimes things don’t always go as we expect. My mom was the rock of the family. My dad felt the stress more. Then it flipped, daddy became a humble man who was a joy to be around and mom became neurotic. It’s interesting because I personally feel most people who are nice in their younger years stay sweet and mean, nasty people become horrific to be around.
I do feel for you and have enormous empathy for you. I was the primary caregiver for a long time in my home.
If you DO go, take another person to help and/or distract her in the car if at all humanly possible. If you can't get a family member, hire someone. Bonus: there's a chance your mom will be on best behavior in front of someone she doesn't know well.
Fingers crossed for you! <3