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I live with my elder parents. My mom will tell stories of things that have occurred in her past in which she is very angry at the person in the story. She raises her voice and will shake her finger in my face as if I am that person with whom she is angry. It unnerves me to no end! I think she wants me to agree that the person is horrible. If I don't agree she gets even angrier. She will tell my father how horrible I was and then he gets stern with me. I am sure she has made up something to tell him that I did to "wrong" her. I do need to live with them as mom is almost blind and dad has some health issues and they provide me some financial support.

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sunnymoon,

For Heaven's sake, have the AL send your mom for a short stay at a Senior behavioral clinic to have her meds fine-tuned. This is a stage that needs medication and can be successfully treated. Run, don't walk. This is unnecessary.
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My husband makes up stories now, most of which are because his short term memory loss is getting worse. He also is very negative, accusatory and hurtful, telling me that I hid things from him and blaming me for his misplacing items. He even blamed me for the dog not finishing his dinner because I walked through the kitchen yesterday. If it weren't so annoying I imagine it would be funny. Hang in there! You are not alone. Try to remember that it is the disease not the loved one. I think my husband is very fearful as he needs reassurance and praise constantly. Try to gently change the subject when your mom starts her tirade. Get her completely onto another topic. Something like, "Oh mom, I saw Mrs. so-and-so yesterday. She looked wonderful and asked about you." You know her better than anyone, so try to redirect her thoughts somehow. As far as your Dad berating you after your Mom makes up negatives about you, have a quiet talk when alone with him and explain what is going on. I find it hard to believe that he doesn't know exactly what you are going through with your Mom. Maybe his reaction is his way of calming your Mom down when she has an outburst towards you....find out! Working together to calm her is better than working against one another! Good luck!
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My mother was always shy and put others down. But she has become a very angry person with her severe dementia. She is afraid to be in the nursing home without a lock on her door. She has spells when she hallucinates and she called 911 several times from the assisted living to tell them her children have abandoned her. This is not true. One of us is there almost every day. Especially my younger brother and I am the only daughter so she takes her anger out on me. Anyway, after calling 911, the police came out to file a report and the home took her cell phone from her. So, now the only way we can reach each other is to go through the nurses so we rarely call each other. She does not even remember the day I was there to visit. She cannot remember anything and will not eat their food. We are keeping her alive on Boost and food we bring from home. She forgets she is in assisted living and each many days, she will have all her things packed and ready to do when we visit. It is getting so hard to help her and we simply cannot be there everyday. I thought it would get better when we found the assisted living home but I can tell there is no easy way to deal with her this dementia. It is a nightmare of an illness. It is a shame that any one should have it. I just hope I will have the strength to continue helping her as my own heath is not good. I am thankful for the help we get from her asssisted living but it by no means gets us over our problems with our mother and her anger. Each time I go she is upset about something and wants to leave. We have no where else we can put her and got a grant for the nice place she is in so she will have to stay there even if she hates it. She lives with my brother for three months before she asked to to to assisted living and this is our last stop for her. My biggest regret is that we did not put her there sooner when she knew what she was doing. She will not even watch TV for entertainment or go walking. She simply will not comply with the rules. She makes it hard for us and the staff. I am so sorry for anyone having to deal with someone like my mother. She is Narcissistic and will not help herself. I just trying to let everyone know that it is better to put them in a nice place that can help rather than to wait until they do not know where they are. IT is always so confusing to her. Much of the time, she believes she is in a hospital and not assisted living. And we cannot make her do anything she does not want to. So we spend all our time pleading with her to cooperate. I hope this will help someone who has not yet made a final decision as to what to do with their loved ones who has dementia. Please put them in a facility before it is too late.
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What I find with those with dementia their personalities can change and sometimes they may be angry one minute, crying the next or laughing. Dementia can manifest with many different behaviors. Don't take it personally, don't argue with someone who has dementia and learn all you can is my advice. Contact your local chapter of the Alzheimer's association to get more information. You can also contact your local area agency on aging to see if you can receive in home help with your mom and dad. Maybe mom could benefit from an adult medical day program and it would give you a break.
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*Following!*
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Elders can dwell/spin their mental wheels, on negatives, very easily. Humans seem to spend a LOT of energy stuck on the negatives; it takes focused efforts to change that--which elders no longer can do very well.
They also may put lots of emotional energy into the issue they are currently spewing about, related to trying to communicate about something else, but this is how it is coming out, instead.
Hard to tell.
Mom has always needed someone to be her nemesis...that person is targeted for serious vitriol, as long as they are anywhere close enough to maybe hear of Mom's rants, or where she could manipulate them to get what she wanted.
OTH, if that person died, someone else had to become the targeted "evil doer"....watch-out!
Once all her other ones had died off, it was me, her caretaker, left...so when things got beyond her ability to tolerate or handle things, she'd blow up in many hundreds of ways, at me...I was her new "evil doer".
It can be horrifically wearing and destructive to the targeted person[s].
If that is happening, you really need help: A doc to RX proper meds, maybe even a facility where she's safe and so are you....then you can help from a safe distance.
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Sounds like my life story w/ Dad! blou
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My Mother seems to Sun UP instead of Sun DOWN!! She seems best between 5pm and 9mp. She is very mean at 7am up to about 2pm. All are different.
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Reading all of these Family circumstances is dreadfully heartbreaking and sad. My heart goes out to kim65sat's story. What a wonderful Daughter You are to Your late Father Rip, and Your Mum Who You care. You are so Blessed to have two wonderful Sister's Who rotate the care duties, which will protect You from burn out, and afford You a Life away from care duties for a while. Remember the greatest weapon against anger is KINDNESS, and give lots of hugs. When I look at My darling Mother, Who's 86 years and three years into Alzheimer's, and Im a Full time self appointed Caregiver, it makes Me feel so sad. As Im aware Mum is approaching the end stages of Her Life, it is so important to Me that I accompany
Mum to the end. I have discovered that hugs and kindness work very well for Us.
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My mother's focus on negative and traumatic events, and the stories from all of you, are making it even more clear to me that it's so important that we deal with these things while we can. Go get help, go "digging in the dirt" as the Peter Gabriel song goes - and find your way to some peace.
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My aunt, 93, with early dementia, spends many hours at night obsessing over her anger at her strict and critical late father. She calls other family members (though thankfully, not in the middle of the night) and recounts the events of the past that anger her, along with some from the more recent past involving other family members who she feels misunderstand and discriminate against her. Her doctor has given her melatonin to help her sleep and has increased the dosage when it didn't seem to be doing the trick in calming her at night, but is reluctant to give a prescription drug that might cause hallucinations or other distress. We all try to reassure her about our care and concern for her, but as for the past, she must "accept what she cannot change." She spent so many years intimidated by her father, and only in about the past ten years has had the "nerve" to be angry at him. Unfortunately, she refuses any type of therapy which might help her work through her feelings more productively. Truthfully, I wish she would advance to a stage of dementia where she would be free of these tormenting obsessions--they are so painful and exhausting for her and she is unable to let them go in her present state of mind.
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Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I caught her last potential anger outburst before it escalated (I am getting good at predicting them) and asked her to tell me something happy in her childhood. I asked if she had a bike, doll babies, how she played with them, what made she and her siblings laugh, etc. This immediately diverted her attention and she was happy. I do know this is temporary, however. Until then I will be thinking of more happy questions.
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If your mother is almost blind, then she really cannot tell with whom she is speaking, and with a dementia-mind, she is thinking (perhaps) you are the person who is in her past who made her angry. Let the doctor know what is happening, and perhaps the doctor can prescribe an anti-anxiety med if she can tolerate it. The main point is that this behavior is not your fault and you cannot take this personally. It comes with the disease. Either learn to live with the disease, or find a job and move out. You do have choices. Make the best choice for you and try to learn all you can about dementia (www.alz.org).
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Yep hubby is the same rants and raves about the current situation and the people who should but are not doing anything about it and the punishments they should recieve. I agee certain people are out of control and many parts of the system are rotten but I did not shoot that person. He has agreed to stop and mostly does after I allow his his daily time of rants, while i have loud thought running in my brain of more pleasant subjects.
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Until I started reading this web site, I thought I was the only person whose parent lived to tell their negative woe is me I've been wronged, cheated on, lied to, abused by...person. My 90 yr old father had a very rough first 17 years of his life. He has had a rich, prosperous, happy, selfish, ME ME ME lifestyle for over the past 50 years. Yet every story is how someone did him wrong. When I ask 'tell me a happy story', he may start into something nice for 30 seconds, which rapidly dissolves into yet another how someone ruined his life. No meds have helped since he has been this way his entire life.
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I've found that my husband is prone to "obsessions," wherein he may re-live past perceived wrongs for weeks at a time. The worst of those, on two occasions, have been directed against his ex-wife, and have been extremely difficult to get through. As for meds, he's on so many of them -- including mood stabilizers and anti-depressants -- that there's no way to determine whether an adjustment would be of benefit. Best I can do is weather the storm and try to shield the objects of his ire from the worst of it.
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Oh Pam you have served a long and hard apprenticeship in your personal journey so I always appreciate your solutions.
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Wonderful comments from everyone. It does seem like a visit to the doctor to ask about medication is a good idea. Over medicating isn't good, but the right medication at the right time can be very effective for some people. As was mentioned, everyone is different. What works for one person may not work for another so experimentation may be needed.
Good luck!
Carol
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My Dad has been gone a year now and he was our rock. He shielded Mom's mental illness the best he could until we all left for school and careers (3 girls). Mom is 81 and we are now 62, 53 & 51..I am the youngest. I relocated home from 5 states away (that was no accident being so many miles away) from her. My sister's and I keep our sanity now with great communication and rotation for "time off," lol. Mom is bipolar and has been narcissistic since 'forever!' She has hypochondresis and is non compliant with her meds, (always has been). She tells her stories and will become very angry. She blamed my Dad in the early years for any and everything to "build herself up." And now that I'm here-- I'm the scapegoat. Her stories from years gone by carry the theme of consistent 'all knowing supremacy' and "you girls know nothing! Daddy used to say "honey, I don't need Google. .I have your mother and she knows IT ALL." Oh-how we miss his humor to deal with this! The dementia is such that she keeps the anger during the story telling (if she's eating- she will thow her plate forward yelling "you've made me lose my appetite." She was always the negative (glass half empty) type...but that has changed to angry outbursts of her early and midlife story of sacrifice in raising children, keeping house and sisters that she was better than! Thankfully my sisters and I work well together which helps with the stress. I hate to see her 'melt-downs' and her doctor is trying to find something that will work. (I wish there was a transdermal patch to put in the center of her back) that we could use as fool proof delivery of an anti anxiety type med!, smiles.
Until then--thanks for this forum fellow caregivers..
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What I have found (had two parents with varied types of dementia) is that everyone responds differently. There are medications that can help as the others have mentioned. I found it helpful to realize that while my mom didn't remember what was discussed in the short-term, she stored the emotion. So it might help just to agree with her, stay calm and respond in a friendly, loving manner. Your relationship is changing which is tough for all of you. I have been writing about my journey and this post about I finally learned how to respond to my mom may help dealingwithdementia.wordpress2012/10/01/how-i-disarmed-my-contentious-demented-mother/
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I don't know about early dementia... Until very recently, my Mom has been one of the most lucid and brightest people I've ever known, but she gone into this negative and emotional focus on past events for years... She will re-live unpleasant encounters - usually from when she was working - and in recounting them (for the 50th time), she becomes angry and emotional all over again, as if it is happening currently. She has always had a negative side, so... I believe she is reliving these events because they stand out in her memory, and since then she hasn't really had much drama or a focus to grab on to. There hasn't been a lot of "excitement" since she retired, and her memories are of the times earlier that stand out. Unfortunately, a lot of those memories are of the negative issues... She's 95 now, lives with me, is blind and has mobility and balance issues, and just recently has shown some memory lapses and errors, but she is still bright and intelligent. I know she'd really take offense if I tried to "divert" her to something else, and would really get angry with me for patronizing her, so... I just let her talk, and sometimes do just tell her I understand that upset her, but that was then and, frankly, I don't want to hear all that negative stuff again... Sometimes a direct (but calm?) reaction can jog her off the subject...
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Pam is right. I cannot tell you how much our lives improved when my mom got the proper meds. She is calm and pleasant and happy to see me. Just six months ago, she would throw her hands up and roll her eyes when I appeared because she had just been complaining about me to someone. The people she was talking to (in AL) would not even speak to or look at me. What a trip!
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At this stage, mild anti-anxiety meds would help. Ask her MD. Also learn how to redirect the conversation and avoid agreeing with her. Remind her that getting her blood pressure and heart rate in an uproar should be avoided, then change the conversation to something more pleasant. Kiss her cheek and tell how much you appreciate her, then excuse yourself to take a shower or go to the store for her.
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