I am a 47 female who lives at home with my mother. I am finding it extremely difficult as she is negative about EVERYTHING. From the minute she gets up to the minute I go to bed she is constantly negative. Moaning about money and how she has none...though that's her own fault she blames everyone else. Complains that no one bothers with her...she doesn't bother with anyone so why should they make all the effort!! My sister stood up to her and told her some much needed and deserved home truths..result? My mother no longer speaks to her because she cant see that she done anything wrong. My brother is headed in same direction. His wife now refuses to let my mother in their house, not that my mum knows this yet but I do. I know people will say just move out, your an adult just leave and I had been intending to do so then she was diagnosed with two types of blood cancer and I now feel that if I leave it will seem as if she is being deserted. I want to live my life with out living under this great big black cloud of negativity. I feel as if I have no right to be happy and live my life because she hasn't the money or people around her to live hers. The house is a mess...I gave up years ago because she wouldn't help. I am becoming resentful as my brother and my sister have their lives and I have nothing apart from feeling chained to my mother. I feel I wont be free until the day she passes and I feel terrible for feeling that I really do but I see no other route for me apart from just disappearing and starting over else where.
Also, how long has she been so negative? Have you noticed any type of cognitive decline with her? Sometimes, people who have dementia start out with negative and oppositional behavior. That happened with my cousin. She became very cross, contrary, and confrontational. At the time, I didn't know what was going on. Later, came the memory, lack of focus, confusion, etc. I'd keep that in mind as a possible explanation. If symptoms warrant, I'd mention it to her doctor.
If she won't get help for her condition and continues to make it impossible to live with her, then, I think I would certainly consider finding peace somewhere else. I'm not sure why some people have this determination to sacrifice their life for another, when the person's conduct is destructive and hurtful. Becoming a martyr serves no purpose, imo. AS LONG AS SHE IS mentally competent, I'd make other arrangements.
You don't say that you provide care for her like, cooking, bathing, administering meds, etc. If you do, I'd let her make other arrangements for that care through a service or other family member and provide her adequate notice of your intentions.
I'm not sure I understand why it's wrong to protect yourself from toxic people or make your own life happy. Maybe, there is something in the family dynamic that is causing this. Maybe, a counselor might help. Plus, posting on this site seems to be helpful to a lot of people. Many people come from similar situations.
I understand how it is to live with a grouch. I wondered if you felt it was your home, too, or if you feel like a long-term visitor. If it is your home, I know you don't want to have to leave. If she doesn't need you, though, and you feel like you're only a visitor, I would look around to see if there is something out there. We don't owe our happiness to anyone. They have no right to make people around them miserable.
PS, she hasn't gotten over her depression.
It sounds like you are in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.
I know my mom doesn't like people coming to our house .. But I'm at the point of "Tough Sh*t!!" I happen to live there too. So ... She can suck it up. I will invite people over, she can go to her room if she doesn't want to be social.
Regarding the negative comments ... I have 2 ways of dealing with it.
1- For every negative comment she utters, I have a positive come back..
Example - MOM: "I hate this Fu*king country!! (We live in Canada .. So really?)
ME - I LOVE this country, it's so beautiful and the prime minister is so hot!
This seems to tire my mom out … all the positive talk exhausts her. So she usually stops talking.
If that fails I use technique # 2 ... And yes, this will be frowned upon by medical professionals.
We are in the Dr office and a middle age woman, bald likely due to chemo walks by ..
MOM - "Well .. At least I have hair"
ME - "Negative comment # 10!"
MOM - "Why do you work out so much … you have arms like a lumberjack!"
ME - "Negative comment # 55"
You get the gist … I point out all of her negative comments. Honestly, this actually turns her around. It never lasts but I can get a few hours of happy.
I believe people that are extremely negative get some type of payoff. I don't feel bad for pointing out her negativity, like your Mom, she has always been this way. It's just worse now.
If you choose to stay in her house … don't be her punching bag! Smile all the time and give yourself 2 positive comment for each of her negatives. Do it for a day … and see what happens!
Hugs!!! You aren't alone.
You are going to have to stop spending a lot on your mother. This is going to sound mean, but she has made a certain bed for herself. It is not your job to stay in that bed she made or to pay her so she can stay in it. I get the feeling this runs deep and she has made you feel that you owe her in some way. I think that all birth certificates should be stamped "Paid in Full." What we do for our parents is out of love or respect. We don't owe them our lives like that.
I have a strong feeling you might enjoy counseling and learning more about adult children from dysfunctional families. Your mother sounds like a narcissistic type personality. We have a lot written about them here on the site. There is also a lot on the internet if you have time to look.
If you need to leave to begin enjoying your life, then I encourage you to prepare yourself to do it. If your mother disowned you it sounds like you wouldn't be losing much. But this is something you have to work through for yourself, because you know your situation and how you feel. It is why I think that counseling would be such a good idea if you feel you are able to talk to someone. You'll have to look around for just the right counselor to make it work right.
The other option would be to stay with your mother. No one knows, but she could live 20 more years. You would probably be on Medicare by that time, broke because all your money went to her, and wondering what in the world you are going to do now. You don't owe her that.
One other question -- what type of income does she get? and why does she need to get money from you?
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