How to deal with Mother's (70) constant negativity?

Has your mom been evaluated for depression? Sometimes, depression can cause people to lose hope, feel down, not plugged in, etc. Plus, there is the cancer treatments...I have you talked to her doctor about her mood? I might see how that turns out and see if medication might improve her mood. I know that my mom had A LOT of problems, including health issues and meds for depression have really cut down on her symptoms. I'd explore it.

Also, how long has she been so negative? Have you noticed any type of cognitive decline with her? Sometimes, people who have dementia start out with negative and oppositional behavior. That happened with my cousin. She became very cross, contrary, and confrontational. At the time, I didn't know what was going on. Later, came the memory, lack of focus, confusion, etc. I'd keep that in mind as a possible explanation. If symptoms warrant, I'd mention it to her doctor.

If she won't get help for her condition and continues to make it impossible to live with her, then, I think I would certainly consider finding peace somewhere else. I'm not sure why some people have this determination to sacrifice their life for another, when the person's conduct is destructive and hurtful. Becoming a martyr serves no purpose, imo. AS LONG AS SHE IS mentally competent, I'd make other arrangements.

You don't say that you provide care for her like, cooking, bathing, administering meds, etc. If you do, I'd let her make other arrangements for that care through a service or other family member and provide her adequate notice of your intentions.

I'm not sure I understand why it's wrong to protect yourself from toxic people or make your own life happy. Maybe, there is something in the family dynamic that is causing this. Maybe, a counselor might help. Plus, posting on this site seems to be helpful to a lot of people. Many people come from similar situations.

Move out. Make sure you do not have POA, or you can be charged with neglect. Go. Live.

fedup, what types of blood cancers are they? Did the doctor give any prognosis on the quality and length of life she can have? Some blood cancers can really take it out of you. I had a friend with acute leukemia. He was up and down to the extremes.

I understand how it is to live with a grouch. I wondered if you felt it was your home, too, or if you feel like a long-term visitor. If it is your home, I know you don't want to have to leave. If she doesn't need you, though, and you feel like you're only a visitor, I would look around to see if there is something out there. We don't owe our happiness to anyone. They have no right to make people around them miserable.

Thanks for your comments everyone.
My mother has always been this way but I guess it wasn't so bad to put with when I had my sister and brother there to take some of the burden but now my sister and mum are estranged, my brother and sister in law no longer have her in the house so it's all heaped on me...I have to listen to all her problems and negativity and believe me it's from the minute she gets up till bedtime. She is a very selfish woman. I will give one example. My father passed away two years ago and obviously myself, sister and brother were very upset as it happened suddenly....my parents had been divorced for years, dad re married...myself and my siblings drew together and got on with supporting his wife and dealing with funeral arrangements and the financial problems we had no idea they had. My brother was desperately trying to help our step mum to sort finances so that she wouldn't lose the house and at this time my mother decided she was bankrupt, loading all this on me..I cracked up at her because I knew she wasn't but still she phoned my brother with her 'problem' . Even though my brother was stressed out doing what he was doing he looked at it and said no mother you are having a short term cash flow problem nothing else and he has never forgiven her for that which is totally unlike my brother. Plus on the day of the funeral when I came home there was no hug or how did it go? All I got was well when it's me I don't want all this fuss. No one is to come to my funeral or take time off their work because they're upset you've to go to work and carry on as normal.....nice eh?

Anyway as for her cancer she has multiple myloma and lymphoma. Both are not giving her any problems right now she is being monitored for now and receives no treatment. She is fit and healthy and well able to look after herself. she does not need me to do anything for her unless she feels bad some days in which case I merely cook meals etc. She even joined my gym and I can no longer go there on my own because the minute I say I'm going then she goes too, very annoying because that was my sanctuary where I could just switch off and work out in peace and now I cant.

She has been depressed in the past but got over that. I guess I feel I owe it to her to stay as she has given me a roof over my head for the past 47 years plus if I leave that's it, she has no one. When my sister in law still talked to her she tried to encourage her to socialize and go to the church activities that her parents go to but my mother feels this is below her and she's better than that. In fact thinking on it she thinks she's above anyone else.

JessieBelle I feel like a long term visitor. I can't invite people over or have a 'proper' relationship as she doesn't like people in the house. I don't think I've had a friend in my 'home' since I was a teenager....god, seeing that typed down is really sad...:(

Now at 47 I want to do things and see the world...I want to see Australia...but I again feel bad because I'm spending my money on something I want to do when she is getting deeper into a financial mess which her brother helped her out of but she is just right back where she started and again I feel that's my fault and I should be handing her all my wages to stop her stressing.

I really do need to leave even though I know she'll probably disown me too.

Oh, my. This is bad :'(

You are going to have to stop spending a lot on your mother. This is going to sound mean, but she has made a certain bed for herself. It is not your job to stay in that bed she made or to pay her so she can stay in it. I get the feeling this runs deep and she has made you feel that you owe her in some way. I think that all birth certificates should be stamped "Paid in Full." What we do for our parents is out of love or respect. We don't owe them our lives like that.

I have a strong feeling you might enjoy counseling and learning more about adult children from dysfunctional families. Your mother sounds like a narcissistic type personality. We have a lot written about them here on the site. There is also a lot on the internet if you have time to look.

If you need to leave to begin enjoying your life, then I encourage you to prepare yourself to do it. If your mother disowned you it sounds like you wouldn't be losing much. But this is something you have to work through for yourself, because you know your situation and how you feel. It is why I think that counseling would be such a good idea if you feel you are able to talk to someone. You'll have to look around for just the right counselor to make it work right.

The other option would be to stay with your mother. No one knows, but she could live 20 more years. You would probably be on Medicare by that time, broke because all your money went to her, and wondering what in the world you are going to do now. You don't owe her that.

One other question -- what type of income does she get? and why does she need to get money from you?

Whatever you do, don't quit work to become her full yime caregiver! There afe other resources out there, even if she must go onto Medicaid, and have caregivers in to help her. It may even come down to her having to sell her home, and move into residential care. You need to stay independent of her financially, so that you have a retirement of your own! Too many people make that mistake, and become destitute themselves. You can assist her in finding that help, but don't become enslaved to her. You would always be able to find a place of your own. You take care of you!

She only gets her pension JessieBelle which isn't much but I get less than her and I work two jobs!!! I do give her 'rent' plus I buy my own food etc. It's so messed up. I have tried counselling and, yes, it helps for a while but then I just get dragged down again.

I agree she does have narcissistic qualities. Whenever I tell her about something that's happened to me during the day she turns it round to something that happened to her so I gave up telling her anything.

I couldn't stay another twenty years!!! I liken it to a marriage that has run it's course.....I want a divorce. Guess the only thing I can do is start making plans to go then do it. I can't let any more of my life slip away. Thanks for your comments everyone.

You're still young enough to build a life for yourself. It's hard to build relationships when you live with a parent, particularly when they don't want anyone in the house. That would push away anyone who was interested in you as a friend or lover. I think you have to decide what you want, then work to get it. You'll feel a lot of guilt, I know. You don't have to desert her. You can still be close by. If she cuts you out of her life because you aren't doing what she wants you to, then the love is going only one way. You have to take care of your own life. Since you have a brother and a sister, as well as yourself, it sounds like she lived separate from her own parents. You need a chance to do the same thing.

I empathize so much with you, because I live with my self-centered mother. It is harder than most people realize. I'm 64 and my mother is totally dependent on me physically. Still, I would like nothing better than to get away. It is so lonely in her house. (I'm a long-term visitor, too.)

Thanks JessieBelle....does it sound bad to know there are other people in the same boat as me? And what a lonely boat it is. Yes she had a separate life from her parents so your right I'm entitled to one to, it's just so hard when I've been her constant throughout my life and I will feel incredibly bad leaving but everyone is right I need to think about me and live life before it's to late for me. I'm just glad that she is capable of looking after herself, I really feel for you having a parent totally dependant on you..:(

Oh dear. You need to move, get back to counseling and let your mom sort herself out the best she can. You've been given lots of good advice here; none of it was "stay and listen to her misery".

PS, she hasn't gotten over her depression.

Fed up everyone is telling you right. My mother is a narc. I wish I had left when I was much better but the manipulation is such that you dont see them for what they truly are. I so wish that I had left with my son and started my own life. I dont know what it would have been like but Im sure my mental emotional and spiritual self would be much stronger if I wasnt around such pure hatred. My mother is selfish self centered all that . You are being manipulated to be her hand maid and extension. Even now I see and know the tones of and types of manipulation wheter its gonna be nobody helps me or a big blame. I understand it is hard when you feel safe where you are but its not worth you sense of happiness and self worth. Trust me she will suck all your life and then kick your carcass. Its happened to me all my life but it was when I was down and out that I saw it for what it truly was and the pain led me to the site and this site has given me great information that has change my life. Not to mention the support and encouragement. I spent a lot of my off days hanging out dancing away the stress and pain and surrounding myself to people who were good in spirit. I was lucky enough to have some loving and beautiful cousins deceased now who loved me unconditionally like a sister. I hope you have a positive inlet somewhere and keep checking the site the info on narcissism is a big eyeopener.

JessieBelle - I love the "paid in full" stamp idea. The "they changed your diapers, now it's your turn" line of reasoning just makes me want to blow my head off!

Rainmom, I completely agree! My siblings and I took care of our parents out of Love, but caring for someone out of guilt is a completely different! It has taken me a long (long long long) time to distinguish between the two, having my FIL in our home all this time, but he never cared for his own parents, not even one day! And here's me, not the daughter nor his son, but I have tried to be there for my husband as he comes to grip with his own relationship with his Dad, and that our lives are slipping away, and his Dad doesn't care scwat about us, it's all about him! Time just kept on slipping by, but my husband is finally in Action mode, and due to him now facing his own mortality and mine, he is seeing to it that we get out of this situation. We both have decided that we want to sell our home and purchase something smaller, a Condo, no yard work, no maintenance, and just begin to enjoy our lives and retirement, free from the day to day caregiving. We will still give care, and see to his creature comforts, as well as his medical care needs, but making sure that he is someplace near us, safe, and get back to having a proper Father Son relationship, with hubby visiting him at his residence. We need to get on with vacationing, and enjoying our own kids and grandkids! Its hard, but its happening!

I like the idea about counseling. After we reach adulthood, it's not that easy to just pack up and go into an independent situation, if you haven't always lived that way. You might need to get some help learning coping skills and to develop the mental muscles that are needed to leave the nest. Gaining the confidence and practical skills to do it without mom would likely make you feel better. Then planning your relocation might seem more doable.

Lifelong issues within a family are so complex that I think it helps to have a professional person who can put things in focus. Establishing an internal dialogue inside our head that promotes positivity is vital. I certainly do wish you all the best in finding a more positive environment.

Well, I just happen to live with the queen of negativity. The only positive thing she say is "good morning" then it all goes to sh*t after that.
It sounds like you are in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.
I know my mom doesn't like people coming to our house .. But I'm at the point of "Tough Sh*t!!" I happen to live there too. So ... She can suck it up. I will invite people over, she can go to her room if she doesn't want to be social.
Regarding the negative comments ... I have 2 ways of dealing with it.
1- For every negative comment she utters, I have a positive come back..
Example - MOM: "I hate this Fu*king country!! (We live in Canada .. So really?)
ME - I LOVE this country, it's so beautiful and the prime minister is so hot!
This seems to tire my mom out … all the positive talk exhausts her. So she usually stops talking.
If that fails I use technique # 2 ... And yes, this will be frowned upon by medical professionals.
We are in the Dr office and a middle age woman, bald likely due to chemo walks by ..
MOM - "Well .. At least I have hair"
ME - "Negative comment # 10!"
MOM - "Why do you work out so much … you have arms like a lumberjack!"
ME - "Negative comment # 55"
You get the gist … I point out all of her negative comments. Honestly, this actually turns her around. It never lasts but I can get a few hours of happy.
I believe people that are extremely negative get some type of payoff. I don't feel bad for pointing out her negativity, like your Mom, she has always been this way. It's just worse now.
If you choose to stay in her house … don't be her punching bag! Smile all the time and give yourself 2 positive comment for each of her negatives. Do it for a day … and see what happens!
Hugs!!! You aren't alone.

Boy I know this feeling, my mother in law lives with us. Check out my story "how to keep my relationship safe...". It's so hard I know, sometimes I feel like I just want to walk away from it all, then it's like ok then who will take care of her? I go through this bitter resentful situation every day. I wish I had an answer to both of our situations. Good luck to you.