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the good bad and ugly... in 08 my dad had a stroke, massive he had lay in his own vomit and urine for 3 days before I found him. I had been calling his work and asking of they could tell him to call me. Monday tues and wed I went by his house doors locked and phone off the hook which really wasn't unusual since he was on dial-up and had a habit of leaving the computer online. but something was bothering me... he liked to be left alone but there was something off. Thrusday morning I was dropping my daughter off, she was going to clean his house and stay there during the day. still locked door and there were papers still piled up on the porch... I turned around to take my daughter back to the car and called his work AGAIN! demanding to talk to his boss, "no hasn't been in all week, called in vacation mon and tue and no show on wed" WTF!! I"ve been calling and his coworkers said he was "around somewhere" did a Uturn on a bridge and sped back to dad's calling my brother "get to dads now" we broke in the back door and found him, my brother started dry heaving and panicking, my daughter got me a cloth to get the vomit out of his mouth and nose... CALL 911!! bro still just stood there dry heaving ... by 17 year old daughter had to do it. I'm barking out stats and findings. Dad was in CCU for 1 month and 3 in recovery/therapy. My bro sis and I never talked about it. They had their families and I had work and mine, but when it came time for him to leave hospital, they wanting nothing to do with it, sis wanted to put him in a home and brother didn't have much of an opinion that he spoke of. dad wanted to go home, he missed his dogs and just wanted to be home. I lived alone, I had an apt. I could move in and he could have his home and a caregiver at night. My son asked if he could do his therapy and stuff during the day, while I worked. sure dad said. WELL this started the slide... brother and sister said I had manipulated dad into taking me in so I didn't have to pay rent and could live in his home. a year later they demanded I move out and stop abusing Dad. ( cleaning, cooking, working 60 hrs a week, sleeping little because night is when dad's brain starts short circuiting = abuse) So I moved out. Bro was going to take over at dads and sister was going to... well do nothing. I was pissed so I stopped helping too. Son had moved on to a different job. Daughter was working full time too. Bro went 2-3 times a week to pick up the house shop and clean up after dad who drove to sonic 3-4 times a day for burgers and cokes and left all the trash out where his dogs got it and tore it up everywhere... he started pooping his pants and leaving those down where dogs could feast too, and piling them in the bathroom sink when he felt like it... he became totally incontinent and increasingly irritated with everything, stopped paying bills and so bro stopped going by. it was too much. a year of this and I found out I had stage 3 liver fibrosis, and cervical cancer. I wasn't going to be able to keep working as much. So I asked dad if I "could" move back in again. I'll help around the house and I can not have to worry about rent? OMG bro and sis had a FIT!!! they haven't talked to me ... they've talked ABOUT me and how I'm using dad and abusing dad and manipulating my way into this lush lifestyle of dementia and poo... Dad is clean now house is mostly clean now though I'm not Martha Stewart there is nothing gross in the sink anymore and the dogs don't tear up everything. He eats home cooked meals and no more driving, he takes his meds everyday and is as healthy as he can be. I on the other hand have not been able to get treatment for either of my conditions and honestly ... I don't want to. My family doesn't talk to me, my friends don't call I can't leave him alone because he goes bonkers and tries to fight the alligators and men with guns he sees all over the house, I haven't been laid in so long I think I've sealed shut... tmi? I used to be cute and vivacious... now I wear sweats and pony-tails. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I lost my job and family and friends. I do however have my cats.... yippee... crazy cat lady? just two, don't picture me covered in them. I'm broken and have no idea how to fix me.

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i ran off a friend about a year ago. she was the kind who shows up at christmas and birthdays but refuses to help when your in need. i asked her to do something with my mother every now and then and she refused. at christmas time here she came bearing gifts. i never came out of my room to visit when she came over. i didnt need a friggin door stop ( banana bread ) , dont need fragrant soaps, i needed some female companionship for my mom. people suck.
i think you should light into bro and sis and let them experience some of that high life that theyre accusing you of living. if they refuse to help, toss them out of your life forever. if my ex friend pulls that saint nick crap this year ill calmly prop my flat shovel under the doorknob and ignore her.
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What Captain said !!! I don't know why we think we have to put up with abuse from family... I don't... they don't speak to me... that's a good thing, leaves room in my life for people that matter..
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I don't know what it is about family caregivers actually getting a free room that bothers people so much. If we were professionals, we would get room board and a good wage. As family we're expected to pay our way and have people act like having a room is an alms given to a beggar. I suspect that a lot of this covers up a feeling of personal guilt on the part of family not involved. Their thinking -- I'm glad Sis is taking care of Mom, then at least Sis gets a room out of it, then finally Sis is a freeloader who needs to be paying rent. My family hasn't done that, but I've seen it happen for other people. Sometimes I wonder how people with this type family can have enough self esteem to go out in the world again. Freeloaders, hmph!

My mother has gotten in her mind the last month that she took me in because I had no where to go. She denies she ever asked me to come, and said I have never been needed. This really smarts, and I have to walk off and remember that my mother is not mentally right -- never has been. I am sure she believes the story she has invented for the same reason I mentioned above -- reducing the guilt she would feel. Sometimes I think a huge, huge role of a caregiver is to be the target of the family guilt. The family can juggle the reality in a way to make themselves feel better at the cost of the caregiver. The trick is to let those juggled realities bounce off of us and not affect the way we feel about ourselves. Easier said than done!
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ypiffani, so sorry they are treating you this way.
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Yup, the free room and board is such a huge issue here as well. I have a home that I am struggling to keep that I have not spent time there in more than a year. I would be there working a good paying job if I was not needed here. Free board?1 I do all the shopping, cooking, menu planning, washing dishes, and even buy all the food! These siblings that think you should be paying room and board are nothing but money grubbing mongers whose only concern is what is left for them after parent pass. Yes, I believe it is as simple as that!
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I just had Dad call my sister to see if HE is invited to Christmas dinner... why did I do that? They should call him and ask him if he wants to come, right? I think they should come and get him showered and dressed too since I'm not invited and I'll have to do it. At Thanksgiving they came by and got him ...he messed himself during dinner so they packed him up and dropped him at the front door for me to clean up during MY dinner with my guests. GRRRRRRR....coal, I want them to get coal in their stockings, but I want it lit first.
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the " friend " i mentioned earlier told me once i should be paying half at my moms house. yea, smartmouthed little prick. i finally wrote and told her she should vacate her home and move in to care for her dad and pay half his bills while your there. shes lived in a free cabin on her dads place for 40 years and the financial benefits from that have made her pretty smug and all knowing.
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ypiff-
I actually went and got some coal on Saturday. I also went to an ornament store to pick up gifts for my kids and grandkids. You will never guess what I found! Mini Christmas stockings, I got two of those in addition. Yes my plan was to put the free coal in the stockings label them with names of sisters, and that is their gifts, the stockings were really cheap $3.00. But I am going to fill those stockings with the coal and find a place to hang them in my room. Maybe the chuckle from that each day will help me to get over the pain they have caused me. They have falsely accused me of financial exploitation, yup, investigated by APS and everything, case closed within weeks. They are nothing but selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, liars (this list goes on and on). The fantasy of the gift was fun, but hadn't thought about lighting it, now I need to go find some matches to put in the stocking, the old strike anywhere variety.

Relationships with them will never heal completely. We now have impartial 3rd party looking at everything, soon they will truly understand what B*****S they are and that I have not lied about anything! It was very satisfying to plan and buy the gifts, but they will only damage relationships further. Maybe sisters will finally apologize at the funeral if they decide they have time for that. That is when they will finally understand the complete impact of what they have done and apologize, but I am not counting on that either.
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Ypiffani, your siblings SUCK. I'd completely write them off if it was me and I'd have as little to do with them as possible. Build your "family" of chosen friends and drop your biological family. You've done a wonderful job with your dad and he's one lucky guy to have you living with him.
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oh thank you, I love the laughter... I am so happy I found this site. I appreciate every one of you.
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YOU are not broken just because you don't have time or occasion to spiff yourself up into your usual cuteness and vivacity or whatever. The people who were willing to leave your dad without care he desperately needs, and unwiling to see the sad situation for what it is, are the ones who are broken.

YOU are now a caregiver. The rest of the sorry lot are just sorry. And someday some of them may wake up and feel sorry, or they will just always be broken human beings without a clue for the rest of their lives. God forgive them, and God will understand if you have a hard time with that part. You, though, will not be a caregiver for the rest of your life...unless you neglect that cervical cancer too long and it spreads, or you progress to liver failure. (Nevermind the lover failure that I just typed and had to correct...that's a real issue too, but not quite as immediately life-threatening...)

Well, you and your Dad have some blessings to count, while the siblings have weaknesses to count, based on the realities that they can't deal with but you can. Unfair and sucks eggs, but you are the one who chose the high road. Ponytails and sweats are fine for trekking on rough terrain, anything else would be overdressed for the occasion. And BTW, most reliable sources indicate that crazy cat ladyhood begins at four or more. Meowy Christmas and a better New Year to all of you!!
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Merry Christmas to everyone out there. I have great news!! last night before going to my sister's house for dinner, my father asked me if I wanted HIM to talk to my brother and sister about being "mean" to me. At first I said no this is my battle... but then I thought a minute. I want you to say to them what YOU want to say to them... if you feel they are being neglectful then tell them, but don't bring ME into it. I want them to be here for their love for YOU, I have been hurt beyond repair by them. I will accept apologies when/if they are sincere and from them realizing they are the one's in the wrong. Not because our father told them to. It doesn't mean anything if they do it just to "save Christmas". So if you do, do it for you." So Brother dropped by picked dad up ( I subtly handed him a bag of spare clothing and briefs so if dad messes himself they have no excuse to NOT change him this time) I went on baking bread at home and eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Hours later Dad came back happy as a clam, they walked him in (at first ignoring me) I chatted and asked questions and dragged them into conversation. They gave me a gift I wasn't there to open. thank you. I gave them the tub of laundry soap I had made (its awesome and easy if y'all wanna try it CHEAP and lasts for months!!) in a nice glass container with a ribbon even. but the big part was later... I was wrapping kids gifts and dad shuffled into the kitchen asking what I was doing? I told him and he sat at the table and asked me if I was happy here... !!!! I said no not really. are you? YES he said... I love this arrangement I love htat you cook for me and clean thehouse and I love that you take care of me. I am much happier here than I would be at a home.... (I'm bawling even now.)
I asked him if he had talked to Tane (pronounced tawny) and Steve (bro and sis) about the lawyer stuff, he said no I trust you with that , the legal and the medical POW....!!!!!!! .... HOLY COW! I nearly fell out of my chair. the conversation fell into him asking me to make more beans cuz he likes them... but
HOLY COW!!!! that was the best gift I could have gotten! I am in shock. I didn't pry into what was said or if he just pondered what I had said before he left. I am accepting this wonderful moment as my own Christmas Miracle!
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OMG, it IS such a gift to get feedback that you are doing the right thing and doing it right. Hope this is the first of many more blessings to come, however hard it gets!
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And a Merry Christmas back atcha!!
(With hugs, your post has been a real lift to me today too.)
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So this will be my fourth winter I come down and take care of my Mom she has the first stage of Parkinson's and I also cater to her husband because he sits on his computer all day long his ex wife left him because she was always catering to him and before that his Mom he is very English once and awhile I ask him to make his own coffee but he will wait till my Mom asks me to do it I am here 5 days a week I live far away but come down every winter and stay till late spring while I am layed off from my job but last Christmas I came down with my husband in our motor-home and we were meant to leave in the spring of 2013 but we are still here because my Mom poured the guilt trip of having no one to look after her mean while I have two siblings who live here and just suggest putting her in a home I have tried on many occasions to hire a caregiver and had interviews with my Mom she did not like any of them because of too much make ,or lots of jewelery or Cleveage showing which they were not it goes on every excuse she is a born again Christian and her Sabeth day is Saturday she has isolate her self from all pagans which about everything you can think of my boyfriend can't even come in the house because we are not married but have been together for 20 years this is nothing my Mom is very demanding and manipulative so is her husband today is Christmas and my Mom does not celebrate it or birthdays etc she ask if I was going to phone my cousin and that I should so I did talk with them for 10 minutes with her and my relatives before I went on the phone I ask my Mom what time she wanted lunch because it always changes with her she said 12:30 so it was 11:30 when I made a call and ask her would she mine she said no of course not so while I was talking she call her husband down to get her lunch at 11:50 and started complaining and crying and like usual he is rubbing her back whats wrong Mama and then she complained that I was not making lunch and I was on the phone all the time which was not true at all it was ten minutes she always does this starts crying then he comes down off is computer that is stuck to his abilblecord and I get off the phone and say what is wrong why are you crying and he says because you are on the phone all morning and says I am not taking care of her and ignoring her and she is ill then he grabs the phone from me which was so rude I tell him this not very nice to say to me he just says your Mom is ill and your on the phone I am there in their house from 9 am in the morning till 6 pm sometimes later I have no life my hair is always a mess sometimes I don't even have time to do a bodily function she is calling me if I don't answer right away she starts to get mad and calls him down and starts getting mad or cry's then he rubs her backing says its okay Mama I could go on I give her showers and do the laundry dishes all the cooking some of the shopping drive her to her doctors appointment plus more make her bed get her dressed make his food also serve them do the dishes turn the TV on get her comfortable on the couch etc! Someone tell what i am doing wrong am I bad person for wish relatives happy holidays for ten minutes??? When she said it was okay she would he later???
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Overwhelm, I have an opinion and you may not like it. Your mother has no right to treat you like this, dumping her self pity all over you and making it your problem. I'm sick so you are supposed to stay miserable and isolated, even though it will not make me happy? I'm sick and therefore have a right to drain your entire life away from you, even though it will not make me well? What kind of logic is that that mom and hubby obviously subscribe to? They get away with it because you are there, they have been able to manipulate you into buying it hook line and sinker, and you are letting them get away with it. You have a right to talk to your cousin on the phone and if no time or energy is "allowed" you to tend to your marriage and your own self, you are blessed to still have a husband. You can try to talk to her lazy ass husband who just takes whatever she says at face value and does nothing to help her or himself, and explain you would love to help but are not going to put up with all kinds of restrictions and tolerate being accused of things that are completely unfair, and you are going to leave altogether unless boundaries are set. But I suspect you are going to need to leave. You give full time care and get nothing but criticism for not doing it faster, better, more thoroughly and exclusively.

I supposed I am exhibiting a little impatience with your mother's brand of "Christianity" which as a Catholic convert, I cannot help but view as pretty much complete bull. "Dance with those who dance, mourn with those who mourn", and be "in the world though not of it" constitute pretty firm directions not to refuse to participate in life with those who do not share your every interpretation of everything. But that said, maybe that church runs a care home of some sort she could apply to, and frankly with her poor memory and presumably increasing care needs, I don't see that as any tragedy. The siblings are quite possibly doing the right thing by refusing to "cater to" (I read "enable") this situation. I am sorry it has taken this long for you to realize how unreasonable this situation is and how YOU are not the one doing wrong.
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overwhelm I wrote something similar on the Caregiver and dysfunctional family thread to your post. You need to take some action on your own behalf and not allow them to jerk you around as they are. Vikki -good answer.

ypiff -I am so happy that you got validation from your dad. Now get to the doctor and get your health looked after and come back and tell us what you are doing for you. The house can be a little messier and meals can be a bit more casual until you get you looked after. A big pot of beans or soup or chili, can last a while. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
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I didn't even want to see him I was to upset so my partner said I think your wife has been spoiled a bit apparently he just rolled his eyes like usual then an hour later my Mom came out and said sorry and gave me a card saying I am sorry and I love you I am a grouchy old lady then she was crying so of course I felt guilty and said I except your apology but your husband can do the dinner tonight I am not working taking the rest of the day off they still don't get it what all happened this is regarding my fist statement.
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Good for you - and keep taking time for yourself. If your mum's husband is capable of making meals, you should not have to do it. Some people are such that the more you do for them the less they appreciate you. Sounds like your mum can turn on the waterworks to get sympathy pretty easily. Don't get sucked in by the drama. Good for your partner. Sounds like he has a good head on him. Lean on him more and work out together what is reasonable and don't do any more. Take care of you!!!
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Yes but the thing is I have to go work there tomorrow at 9 am we are in our motor home on their acreage my Mom asked me to stay here awhile back so we did I feel very uncomfortable now? What to do?
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Sit down with your partner and figure out what you want to do - what you think is reasonable, - how much you want to help. Set so many hours a day, or certain tasks. Write it out when you both are comfortable with it . Then you can either just stick to it telling you mum that is all you can do, and leave at whatever tie you have set. or meet with your mum and her husband and present it to them. I think your partner should be there as this affects him too and he is supporting you and you need that. Do it outside of her home - in your motor home, a restaurant or wherever.if she will not allow him in. What has been happening is not reasonable. Do you think she will order you off her land if you do not do what she says? Do you have somewhere else to go?. If your mum had to pay hourly for all that you do she would be paying a lot. Can you show them what it costs per hour for housework etc.
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my computer has been actin up

or decide it is time to leave and offer to find a caregiver - let us know how it turns out, Don't allow yourself to be treated like that any more!!! (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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What should you do? Leave! She isn't paying you and she is treating you like dog doodoo. One old Catholic concept I love is "being an occasion of sin." In the old days, it meant looking sexy and "causing" the boys to have impure thoughts.

In your mother's case, she is sinning by treating you so badly. You should remove yourself to keep her from sinning! (At the least, say, "Mother, when you talk to me like that, I don't want to do things for you." Then leave the room!)

Of course, if you can work things out so the situation is better, that's good. But if things don't improve, offer to find caregivers for her, and LEAVE. She will get by almost as well without you, because she will get care from her husband and from others, and she will be nicer to them.
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You're better off without them! I just can't understand how someone could allow someone they "love" to suffer just because it's an inconvenience to their schedule! You continue what you're doing and don't YOU feel the least bit guilty!! Who has power of attorney if I might ask? They would be "legally" responsible for the care of him. Also, check your local Area on Aging and see about respite care. You need to take care of yourself first because he depends on YOU!! You're awesome!!! Don't you forget it!!!
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after refusing to get out of bed at all yesterday ... even for food. he crapped the bed today. I am bawling hysterically right now... I cant CANT do this anymore. I don't have any left. nothing. how can you love someone and hate them all at the same time. I even TOLD him last night if he didn't get up and go to the bathroom he would do that. he told me to F&%^ off. and now i'm picking up his football sized feces which I'm tempted to think he did on purpose.
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Ypiffani, I read your profile, your sister and brother recommended that your Dad be placed into a retirement home back in 2008. I think they had the right idea.
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hindsight is 20/20... day late and dollar short?? thanks
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ok freqflyer ...so you're saying that because I CHOSE to do this I should shut my mouth and suck it up? Do you know my brother and sister? I am venting. I am allowed. thank you for your comment but I thought that this was what this site is for support for caregivers, even the one's who chose to do it.
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ypiffani, just giving you a suggestion that it is time to put your father into a retirement home, so that you can get your life back because the life you currently have is terrible. I want to see you survive.
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YP, it is important that we all establish boundaries, the line in the sand, so to speak that we know when enough is enough. That line for me is what you are now dealing with. And those lines often move as we make adjustments to new occurences that become increased levels of difficulty.

It sounds as if it is time to place him. You have done so much for him, and on some level he knows that. It sounds as if you have reached the limit, it is time. And I know how hard it will be to do. I think all of us go into this hoping that something takes them before we get to the point you are.

Vent and vent away and take care of yourself.
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