Extreme burnout or just a pity party?
the good bad and ugly... in 08 my dad had a stroke, massive he had lay in his own vomit and urine for 3 days before I found him. I had been calling his work and asking of they could tell him to call me. Monday tues and wed I went by his house doors locked and phone off the hook which really wasn't unusual since he was on dial-up and had a habit of leaving the computer online. but something was bothering me... he liked to be left alone but there was something off. Thrusday morning I was dropping my daughter off, she was going to clean his house and stay there during the day. still locked door and there were papers still piled up on the porch... I turned around to take my daughter back to the car and called his work AGAIN! demanding to talk to his boss, "no hasn't been in all week, called in vacation mon and tue and no show on wed" WTF!! I"ve been calling and his coworkers said he was "around somewhere" did a Uturn on a bridge and sped back to dad's calling my brother "get to dads now" we broke in the back door and found him, my brother started dry heaving and panicking, my daughter got me a cloth to get the vomit out of his mouth and nose... CALL 911!! bro still just stood there dry heaving ... by 17 year old daughter had to do it. I'm barking out stats and findings. Dad was in CCU for 1 month and 3 in recovery/therapy. My bro sis and I never talked about it. They had their families and I had work and mine, but when it came time for him to leave hospital, they wanting nothing to do with it, sis wanted to put him in a home and brother didn't have much of an opinion that he spoke of. dad wanted to go home, he missed his dogs and just wanted to be home. I lived alone, I had an apt. I could move in and he could have his home and a caregiver at night. My son asked if he could do his therapy and stuff during the day, while I worked. sure dad said. WELL this started the slide... brother and sister said I had manipulated dad into taking me in so I didn't have to pay rent and could live in his home. a year later they demanded I move out and stop abusing Dad. ( cleaning, cooking, working 60 hrs a week, sleeping little because night is when dad's brain starts short circuiting = abuse) So I moved out. Bro was going to take over at dads and sister was going to... well do nothing. I was pissed so I stopped helping too. Son had moved on to a different job. Daughter was working full time too. Bro went 2-3 times a week to pick up the house shop and clean up after dad who drove to sonic 3-4 times a day for burgers and cokes and left all the trash out where his dogs got it and tore it up everywhere... he started pooping his pants and leaving those down where dogs could feast too, and piling them in the bathroom sink when he felt like it... he became totally incontinent and increasingly irritated with everything, stopped paying bills and so bro stopped going by. it was too much. a year of this and I found out I had stage 3 liver fibrosis, and cervical cancer. I wasn't going to be able to keep working as much. So I asked dad if I "could" move back in again. I'll help around the house and I can not have to worry about rent? OMG bro and sis had a FIT!!! they haven't talked to me ... they've talked ABOUT me and how I'm using dad and abusing dad and manipulating my way into this lush lifestyle of dementia and poo... Dad is clean now house is mostly clean now though I'm not Martha Stewart there is nothing gross in the sink anymore and the dogs don't tear up everything. He eats home cooked meals and no more driving, he takes his meds everyday and is as healthy as he can be. I on the other hand have not been able to get treatment for either of my conditions and honestly ... I don't want to. My family doesn't talk to me, my friends don't call I can't leave him alone because he goes bonkers and tries to fight the alligators and men with guns he sees all over the house, I haven't been laid in so long I think I've sealed shut... tmi? I used to be cute and vivacious... now I wear sweats and pony-tails. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I lost my job and family and friends. I do however have my cats.... yippee... crazy cat lady? just two, don't picture me covered in them. I'm broken and have no idea how to fix me.
Caring for a truly bed bound adult patient solo varies from not easy to impossible. You have to find out if he can start getting up again, if not to the bathroom, at least to a bedside commode, and if he can and will tell you when he has to go; or you get to decide if you can change his diapers in bed or not. Many people find that incontinence is their limit. Sorry it is turning out this way. It is hard to realize that you have hit the wall with something/someone you care about so very much.
It sounds as if it is time to place him. You have done so much for him, and on some level he knows that. It sounds as if you have reached the limit, it is time. And I know how hard it will be to do. I think all of us go into this hoping that something takes them before we get to the point you are.
Vent and vent away and take care of yourself.
In your mother's case, she is sinning by treating you so badly. You should remove yourself to keep her from sinning! (At the least, say, "Mother, when you talk to me like that, I don't want to do things for you." Then leave the room!)
Of course, if you can work things out so the situation is better, that's good. But if things don't improve, offer to find caregivers for her, and LEAVE. She will get by almost as well without you, because she will get care from her husband and from others, and she will be nicer to them.
or decide it is time to leave and offer to find a caregiver - let us know how it turns out, Don't allow yourself to be treated like that any more!!! (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
ypiff -I am so happy that you got validation from your dad. Now get to the doctor and get your health looked after and come back and tell us what you are doing for you. The house can be a little messier and meals can be a bit more casual until you get you looked after. A big pot of beans or soup or chili, can last a while. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
I supposed I am exhibiting a little impatience with your mother's brand of "Christianity" which as a Catholic convert, I cannot help but view as pretty much complete bull. "Dance with those who dance, mourn with those who mourn", and be "in the world though not of it" constitute pretty firm directions not to refuse to participate in life with those who do not share your every interpretation of everything. But that said, maybe that church runs a care home of some sort she could apply to, and frankly with her poor memory and presumably increasing care needs, I don't see that as any tragedy. The siblings are quite possibly doing the right thing by refusing to "cater to" (I read "enable") this situation. I am sorry it has taken this long for you to realize how unreasonable this situation is and how YOU are not the one doing wrong.
(With hugs, your post has been a real lift to me today too.)
I asked him if he had talked to Tane (pronounced tawny) and Steve (bro and sis) about the lawyer stuff, he said no I trust you with that , the legal and the medical POW....!!!!!!! .... HOLY COW! I nearly fell out of my chair. the conversation fell into him asking me to make more beans cuz he likes them... but
HOLY COW!!!! that was the best gift I could have gotten! I am in shock. I didn't pry into what was said or if he just pondered what I had said before he left. I am accepting this wonderful moment as my own Christmas Miracle!
YOU are now a caregiver. The rest of the sorry lot are just sorry. And someday some of them may wake up and feel sorry, or they will just always be broken human beings without a clue for the rest of their lives. God forgive them, and God will understand if you have a hard time with that part. You, though, will not be a caregiver for the rest of your life...unless you neglect that cervical cancer too long and it spreads, or you progress to liver failure. (Nevermind the lover failure that I just typed and had to correct...that's a real issue too, but not quite as immediately life-threatening...)
Well, you and your Dad have some blessings to count, while the siblings have weaknesses to count, based on the realities that they can't deal with but you can. Unfair and sucks eggs, but you are the one who chose the high road. Ponytails and sweats are fine for trekking on rough terrain, anything else would be overdressed for the occasion. And BTW, most reliable sources indicate that crazy cat ladyhood begins at four or more. Meowy Christmas and a better New Year to all of you!!
I actually went and got some coal on Saturday. I also went to an ornament store to pick up gifts for my kids and grandkids. You will never guess what I found! Mini Christmas stockings, I got two of those in addition. Yes my plan was to put the free coal in the stockings label them with names of sisters, and that is their gifts, the stockings were really cheap $3.00. But I am going to fill those stockings with the coal and find a place to hang them in my room. Maybe the chuckle from that each day will help me to get over the pain they have caused me. They have falsely accused me of financial exploitation, yup, investigated by APS and everything, case closed within weeks. They are nothing but selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, liars (this list goes on and on). The fantasy of the gift was fun, but hadn't thought about lighting it, now I need to go find some matches to put in the stocking, the old strike anywhere variety.
Relationships with them will never heal completely. We now have impartial 3rd party looking at everything, soon they will truly understand what B*****S they are and that I have not lied about anything! It was very satisfying to plan and buy the gifts, but they will only damage relationships further. Maybe sisters will finally apologize at the funeral if they decide they have time for that. That is when they will finally understand the complete impact of what they have done and apologize, but I am not counting on that either.
My mother has gotten in her mind the last month that she took me in because I had no where to go. She denies she ever asked me to come, and said I have never been needed. This really smarts, and I have to walk off and remember that my mother is not mentally right -- never has been. I am sure she believes the story she has invented for the same reason I mentioned above -- reducing the guilt she would feel. Sometimes I think a huge, huge role of a caregiver is to be the target of the family guilt. The family can juggle the reality in a way to make themselves feel better at the cost of the caregiver. The trick is to let those juggled realities bounce off of us and not affect the way we feel about ourselves. Easier said than done!