My father has accounts with only his name on them. He refuses to put mom on as beneficiary. This will be a mess one day. Any thoughts?

Lovethem7, oh yes, elders can be very stubborn and protective of their money. Your Dad probably had a good reason decades ago to just have the money under his name, as he was the breadwinner and the man of the family. I bet his Dad did the same thing, and so did some of his friends. That is just how it was. I wouldn't be surprise if your Mom got a household allowance and she had to make that stretch until the next week.

Sometimes we need to use what are called therapeutic fibs to get our elders to do something which is in their best interest. For me, it was getting my parents [also in their 90's] to update their Wills, which were older than dirt. What I said was their Will was so out-of-date that the State would get half of everything. Dad's ears perked up, and he immediately had his and my Mom's Will updated, plus updating their Power of Attorneys to include two names instead of just one, plus other legal documents.

You can do that with your Dad, tell him without a beneficiary on his bank accounts, the State will get half the money. Yes, it's a fib, hopefully it will work.

Hope your parents have Power of Attorneys drawn up, so in case Dad is no longer able to handle paying bills, etc. then the financial POA can step in. Oh, my parents also had banks accounts spread over a lot of banks... guess there must have been free toasters and waffle makers if you opened a new account :P

Freqflyer! Thank you so much! Soon as we finish raising kids. We catch a breath and the race begins again with our parents! I tried "mom will have to go to the state government to the money" his expression did not change. It's his money. I get it. But it's my mother's future security. My mom says don't worry about it it will all work out. She believes he knows what he is doing. My dad said his father worked a 60 hour week and earn 50 cents. This is the mentality I am dealing with. Thanks again for your reply.

My in laws did the same thing. Mil was given a personal amount each month ad had to account for everything she spent for the house and get re-imbursed.Seemed to work for them.

ff, lol about the toasters. lovethem, sorry for the suspicion but is there a chance he is supporting someone else y'all don't know about with some of his accounts? Since your mom is his spouse, wouldn't his money go to her anyway if he passes? I like the Will idea, and the distinction of telling him that half the money will go to the state, not that your mom will have to depend on the state. If you're willing to take a risk with his anger, you could make sure any friends, neighbors, church mates, pastor, doctors of his know how he's leaving your mom and let some public pressure set in.

Does he understand that putting her on as beneficiary does NOT give her access to the funds? It merely means that she is the person to inherit it in the event of his passing. That's it. They are still his funds with no one else getting access - nothing changes from how it is right now.

I have to admit, I wondered if he was hiding something. Then it dawned on me that perhaps his background/knowledge is such that he does not have a clear understanding of the limited effect of assigning a beneficiary.

I would want to be really clear that I inderstood his reasoning. So ask him what would change if mom was assigned as beneficiary. Listen carefully, keep an open mind. If he says "it is my account.". Say "yes it is, and it still will be yours and only yours with no one else having access. But should you pass away they will know who is to inherit it. For your life time everything about the account remains as it always has been."

He would have to come up with a really good reason for not doing it for me to stop exploring and explaining that this is what a responsible husband does; ensures his wife's security should he no longer be able to do so himself.

Does he have a will? Does your mother have a will? Has she seen his will?

For what it's worth, after my mother passed, I took my dad to the bank because he thought he was broke - to the point of cancelling the phone & cable.

The bank VP told Dad that he needed to add me to all the accounts in case of emergency so the money could be reached if I had to purchase anything for him. (like a nursing home)

He only turned to me and asked what would I do with the monies if he died? I said, just like in your will, it will all be divided equally. He signed the paperwork and for 7 years I was on all his accounts until the day he passed. (I did not discuss his finances with anyone.)

I was already named Executrix by my mother and I did keep him out of a NH. A year after he died, at probate, I learned that legally, everything was mine.

Everything was divided equally between us siblings.

It might be different in the US, but here in Ireland if a married person dies intestate (i.e., without a valid will), the money is divided between the spouse (who gets two-thirds) and the children (who receive the other third, shared between them). If this is the case in your country, and if your father wants his money to go to your mother, he'll have to write a will making her the sole beneficiary, and get it properly witnessed (best advice: go to an attorney; it is money well spent as the attorney will be able to spot any anomalies or anything gaps which could lead to legal problems down the line). Another option is to set up a "transfer on debt" with the bank, but I believe my father did that (I found a note to that effect in his belongings after his death) but the bank had no record. So my poor mother had to hand over some of his money to my siblings. Another point worth remembering: if the deceased person's children waive their shares, the money will not automatically go to the surviving parent; instead, it will go to their children (the deceased's grandchildren); if one of you is childless, your share will go to your siblings. Inheritance doesn't go up; it always flows down, or, if there is no down, sideways. Best thing for your parents is to speak to a lawyer. Also be aware that any will might be challenged, and family members who never seemed greedy or particularly vindictive can really surprise you after a death. So your parents need the advice of a lawyer, preferably on who specialises in elder abuse.

Your father has, no doubt, lost the wherewithal to handle so many bank accounts. You'll have to step in-whether he likes it or not! And why does he have his life savings in bank accounts? Something is majorly amiss here.

My dad had at least 10 CD s in different banks. There's very little return, but he's very risk averse. I think he liked going to the bank when each matured. He's 91 & was brought up when men controlled EVERYTHING! It was several health crises with my mom that convinced him that he's too old for this s@%× & turned things over to me. But it took 2 years!

It sounds to me like he's not just being stubborn as it appears. Everyone needs money to get by in this world. Without it you're pretty much screwed unless you know how to live without money and live off the land somewhere in the wilderness. It sounds to me like he's probably protecting himself financially and he probably knows he's vulnerable as he ages, good for him. Congrats to him for saving as much as he has and keeping everyone out of his wallet and bank account. Good! 

Have you ever considered that maybe he knows something you don't about her and how she handles money? If it turns out he's competent, I don't blame him for protecting his life savings, so would I! She probably doesn't need it near as bad as he does right now and he's the one who saved it and earned it so he's entitled to it because it is money, not hers if he's the one who saved all of this money himself. I don't know what he intends to do with this money when he goes, does he have a preneed set up with his funeral home of choice? Maybe he has intention to pay for his funeral? If this is the case, leave his money alone and let him pay for his funeral and other necessities. As you get older, you tend to need more money for more things such as medical needs for starters. It doesn't make sense to take his money away from him and give it to someone not entitled to it who didn't earn it, he probably worked his whole life to save what he has and right now he apparently needs it. There's nothing like financial stability, especially when you get older or if there's some kind of crisis at some point in your life. I personally would rather have the money and not need it rather than need it and not have it when something comes up and you need to cover some unexpected expense you didn't see coming. I don't blame him for being stubborn, especially if she happens to waste money and squander it away. Maybe she has some kind of nasty habit no one else knows about like maybe smoking or drinking. If not that, maybe she might be a shopaholic or maybe there's some other way she's mismanaging money and he just doesn't want to risk his life savings by turning it over to her. Women are particularly notorious for being shopaholics, just look at the shoe collections some of them have along with outfits and even handbags, and you wonder why the average household is always broke. Then of course you have those people out there who smoke and drink. Look at how expensive all three of these hobbies are and you'll see why people are so desperate they must resort to other measures to get more money. One thing I found out about those payday loan places is they prey on the poor. I found this out from a reliable resource quite a while back. They charge very high interest rates to keep you coming back and re-loaning because you're required to repay the loan all it wants whether or not you  can afford it. That right there keeps customers coming back for more and borrowing more and more and more until they can't get out of debt. I'm sure your dad knows about all of what keeps the average household broke and he was determined to protect his money. I don't blame him for protecting himself, so would I. At his age when so many elders are being taken advantage of, I'm proud of him for keeping the bills paid and a roof over their heads in a world surrounded by homeless people constantly losing their homes for whatever reason. 

This man should be honored for even making it to 95 because not everyone does. Moreover, he should also be honored for always keeping the bills paid in full on time each month.  He's actually in the right to protect himself and his money, and it sounds like someone may be coercing him when he really doesn't want his wife being the beneficiary for reasons known to him and his wife. If he already said no and you persist, I hate to tell you, but that's coercion and it's illegal in all 50 states. If you already had this discussion and he already said no, leave it at that and leave it alone. Continuing to have this particular discussion after he already said no means you're crossing the line and it now becomes coercion. No is no and that's that. No is no, and no doesn't necessarily mean I'll say yes later. No is no, and no doesn't mean yes.  No is no, and no doesn't mean go behind my back and overturn my arrangements or steal from me. No is no, and no doesn't mean pressure me until I get in, so back off! Anyone who's saved their whole lives to get where he is now deserves the most support in protecting a life savings and their wishes should be honored and protected, especially if they save a considerable amount of money over their whole life, good for him! It's his until he dies and he may have some bills you may not know about and those bills will probably need to be covered sometime. 

Does he perhaps have a will? Make sure he doesn't die intestate, meaning no will. He really needs a will now more than ever and the first thing the state will look for his next of kin starting with surviving spouse then children and so on. I've been studying about when someone dies intestate and they go looking for relatives. There are so many levels of relatives that are sought before the state final he is allowed to take possession of what's left behind. This actually helps to make sure someone somewhere gets what's left behind because the state probably doesn't really want to have to take possession of it in case someone does come forward or if someone is found. I don't know how they look for survivors, especially those in hiding protecting their identities after being involved in a serious situation where a crime was committed against them. I don't know how they find these particular people unless they must breach certain privacy laws and access certain information that's normally supposed to be strictly confidential. I just don't know how they would find certain hard to find people otherwise, but in this particular case in the here and now, the state will be able to very easily find survivors who are the closest to the deceased.

While this person is living, he has every right to be financially stable and provide for whatever it is he needs.

I don't know if his wife has her own income, she should.  If her arrival to survive on, perhaps he could be nice and give her some money to get by on and help keep her needs met. Meanwhile, perhaps she can get a part-time job or maybe even sell stuff on eBay for extra money. Bake sales are also good money makers. Sometimes though, selling stuff on eBay might not lend you any sellers if you don't have what customers are looking for, so find out what customers are looking for and make sure you have the right price on your products. 

It's one thing to provide what your family needs, another to let them walk all over you and take advantage of you especially in your old age and especially more so if you have lots of money. I don't know how anyone even found out this man had a substantial amount of money, shame on anyone who snooped and found out, and shame on him for blabbing about what he had. Anytime you have considerable money, you are an easy target and people will come flying out of the cracks with their hands out. Some people will claim to be relatives when really they're not, others will go to great lengths to get there greedy hands on that wealth they're not entitled to. Finally, I'd rather see elders be stubbornly protective with their money rather than to see them lose their minds to the point they get taken advantage of. Good for this particular elder, good for him and congrats on his savings! Finally, I'd rather see elders be stubbornly protective with their money rather than to see them lose their minds to the point they get taken advantage of. Good for this particular elder, good for him and congrats on his savings! 

One thing I should point out is the possibility that maybe he already has plans to leave it to someone else, and he may already have some things in line for all we know. However, he may want to consider leaving her something so she's not financially hardshipped through all of this. I don't blame him for not wanting to add her name on any of his accounts that he had before marriage, neither would I because all it takes is one time for someone to clean out the joint bank account and take off with all of your money and where does that leave you? Exactly! Good for him for protecting himself when so many his age can't protect themselves. Good for him! I think she should actually be glad he even married  her in the first place, he didn't have to when he could've easily said no. Sometimes when you get financially stable, you might not even want to get married or put anyone on your bank account, especially when so many people are wasteful and what squander away your life savings. I think he also seems to know how to protect his money against becoming community property as it does in some states, and one of those ways is to send your money out of state where it's better protected, and maybe even overseas. He doesn't want to make her the beneficiary for some legitimate reason  he knows about because apparently there's some reason he made this decision. If she happens to not know how to manage money very well, this may actually be exactly why he always paid the bills himself to make sure  everything was covered and there were no outstanding debts anywhere. Had I been him, I would've done the same thing. I would've also paid the bills and made sure they were only in my name so I'm responsible for making sure everything is paid in full on time each month. There's nothing worse than having outstanding bills and not having the money to cover them, especially if you happen to have someone living with you who miss manage his money and spends your household broke. Apparently there something you don't know about which is why he made this decision if he happens to be of sound mind and it sounds like he is. At least we know who's financially responsible here, good for him! If I saw him face to face, I'd say keep it up, keep up the good work. If you ever wonder why some people who are financially stable don't necessarily want to be married for certain specific reasons, I can't say that I really blame them, especially where in some states all of your property becomes community property. This man sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders, it sounds to me like he's very smart. It also sounds to me like he must've done very good in school, at least where math and money was involved. He probably learned how to be a good saver 

How does the will read? If it says she gets everything if he goes before her than she Is safe.

DONTASK4HANDOUT - you are way off the mark! - were do you get such antiquated ideas? - just because the dad got the paycheque doesn't mean that the mom didn't earn it too - who kept him in clean clothes & fed him? - the dad is back in dark ages - the mom worked just as hard to keep the home a home - he did the 'glamour' paid job while she did the grunt work at home - given their ages they are there were no dishwashers, washing machines were wringer style, she probably hand waxed the floors every week, then there was the kids to raise - she deserves any money as much as he does

How much money the gov't & executor will take their % of estate is the issue - best to explain to dad he has already paid taxes on his money but without a beneficiary then there will be extra taxes that he could avoid - does he want the gov't to get his hard earn money or his family to remember him as savvy by avoiding extra taxes, work etc

Dontask4handout. I think Lovethem7 just wants to simplify things looking to the future. The way things are today, there is a huge bureaucracy involved in any post death activities (just try to get medical records!) She seems to be looking out for both parents should he become unable to manage his finances. This must happen in many families, unfortunately.

It would be a good thing if you could get him to go to an Elder Law attorney "just for a free consultation to see if there are any new laws about how best to protect your money." Perhaps suggestions from an attorney who is accustomed to working with gentlemen from his generation might be better-received than his whipper-snapper kid's ignorant opinions.
Ahem. That's a little sarcasm, for those who are going to accuse me of being insensitive.
You really need for both parents to have the documents prepared that a good Elder Law attorney will recommend. The attorney may be able to reassure Dad that it won't compromise his ability to handle his own affairs, but will enhance that ability by letting him dictate exactly how his money will be used--even after he's gone.
Or......you could get your mom to divorce him, and she would get her half now !-)

I second the notion that it is not HIS money. He should see what the services she provided were and are worth in the market place if he had to pay someone (this information is available on websites). He is literally treating your mother as his slave. I have no sympathy for putting up with those old farts. He should be educated to reality and then yes, it is a great fantasy to have her divorce him. She won't because the old bully has browbeaten her all their life together. I, too, suspect something else going on - the toaster idea is cute and it did make me smile - but that may not be all there is to be discovered. It is not HIS money! It is THEIR money. 90 is no excuse for his attitude.

My Mom had accounts in 5 different banks, and two different brokerage agents.

This would be such a mess if she hadn't put my name on all of them too.

Your dad needs to think about the mess when he passes. Does he intend to impoverish your Mom while she spends months getting through probate? Did that even occur to him? Does he like the idea of lawyers and the court getting some of that money instead of having all of it go to the person he intends to leave it to?

Maybe if he understands what happens when he passes, he might prefer to avoid lawyers?

I agree that taking him to an eldercare specialist attorney is a good move.

Here's another. " Dad, how do you want your funds distributed when you die?"

Start from the end--what is the result he'd like. Then, you work to find the least expensive and simplest route to that destination.

Wow! I am overwhelmed by the thoughtful responses I received and will share them with my siblings. This information has helped me greatly and I am not nearly as upset with my dad as I was when I posted my concern. The fact that it is his money l respect that and even though they are my parents I do not know why he is not budging on his decision. He may have a reason I am not aware of. My mother wants for nothing. My dad is a good provider and she will get his pension and they do have a few joint accounts. This became a problem when a sibling went with him to the bank and told the rest of us how much money dad had saved over the years. If my dad were much younger; I would say it's his business; should I feel the same since he is 90? I really appreciate these reponses. It has given me a lot to ponder. If I am alive; when the time comes I will get the call to make all the arrangements for my dad's final affairs and help my mother. Does my father have a will? Good question. He has 3
safes only he can get in. Although he has showed me where he keeps the key. Thank you again everyone. May the rest of your life be the best of your life!! Lovethem7

Lovethem; Please let us know how this works out; we learn from each other here and if you come to a good (or even not so good) solution/resolution, please post back and let us know!

She will get his pension only if he put her down as a survivor when he signed papers at time of retirement. You get more money a month if there is no survivor listed.

Those safes can be a problem - so what happens in your country when money suddenly appears from what seems to be nowhere? - is there gov't agency going to scoop in & freeze those funds until they are explained away but if dad is dead who will explain? - GET A PROPER LAWYER A.S.A.P. or it will take time & $$$$$

I know a lady who was down to her last $10.00 after her husband died because she had to prove they were married after 50 + years - the fact that they were both from England & got married on board a ship in Hudson's Bay was compounded by the fact the ship sank about 1 year later taking the log to the bottom! - make sure you know where all documents are - I MEAN THIS CLEARLY .... DO IT NOW!

Recently I had to prove my mother's information & by chance a few years ago, I had to get a new birth certificate [original was too old & law had changed to make it unusable] so I also got her marriage certificate & as much else as I could at same time .... so when this issue came up I had all the documentation I needed - resolved by gov't in less than 10 days!!! .. because I had those documents at hand

Laws change so that depending on juristriction that may mean those old papers may not be worth the paper they are printed on - THESE DOCUMENTS ARE ESSENTIAL TO PROBATE AN ESTATE!! without them add about 4 to 6 months extra while they are sorted out - then the executor gets a higher % of estate so they are in no hurry to get a swift resolution so have them on hand to make a quick finalization of estate - here they get % of initial estate until all is resolved ... so why should they hurry but if you produce those papers up front then they can't drag their feet too long

BarbBrooklyn! I will do! I really appreciate the insight. It was seven of us. When I was younger we ate dinner together. My dad was served. My mom took care of us kids as that was "woman's work" back then. She cleaned, cook and to this day "serves" my father and cares for my youngest sister who was born disabled. My mother never learned to drive so this is another area she depended on my dad. My mother is not the quiet suffering type though, she complains about something daily. I live five hours away from them for peace of mind. To this day my dad is served his food when come to the table. They still have a milkman and a paperboy. Yes these things still exist in America. Again I really needed the insight from the postings. I sat my dad down with a bank manager and ask him to explain to him the ramifications of these accounts with only his name on them and my dad put his cap back on and said okay it's set up like I want it; why are we here again and the manager looked at me like, wow he clearly understands and does not plan to budge. I will let you guys know when and how I resolve this. From the bottom of my heart thank you all. Have a great day everyone!!

Lol, my one thought is that mom could sue for divorce and be entitled to half of everything, at least!

Don't tell me that your father hasn't set up a special needs trust for his disabled daughter?

My father in-law had several stock market accounts. When he died - we had more issues with the accounts that had joint names on them. It was a nightmare. We had to close out the joint accounts and then reopen new accounts in my mother-in-laws name. It took months (long story). It wasn't easy. The accounts in his name only, went directly to my MIL because she was the beneficiary.

If he would be willing to put you mom as the sole beneficiary than that will hopefully solve your problem. If not, then I am sorry. Maybe if your mom talked to him and it wasn't you; would that work?

Lovethem7 - glad you've gotten some food thought on this site. Poor dad! It sounds like he plans to take it with him! Has your mom ever had a health crisis which prevented her from "serving" and taking care of the children? Unfortunately, it took several serious health problems & hospitalizations of my mom for my dad to realize he couldn't "take care of her" anymore and they lived 7 hours away from me. He was so stressed that he finally concluded that he needed to "give up" managing his finances & pass that on to me. He also has severe macular degeneration which severely affects his vision. I share everything I do with him & we go over things about once every 2 weeks. This is for his comfort. He is 91 & was raised in the depression/WWII era. He never thought he would be in this position, but here we are. He & mom are now in assisted living near me & doing well. Please understand - this was a 2-YEAR process! I never thought it would happen in my lifetime, but after seeing what some of his peers were going through, he realized his options were very limited. No one is more protective of his money than him, but he finally relented & turned things over to me & my brother. Based on what I have been reading, your dad seems suspicious of everyone's motives. Perhaps he has a good reason for that - past experiences, observances of other's situations, etc. This is a lot to shoulder. I hope he will rethink his ideas over time, & plan better for his & his wife's futures,

I said something to my dad over a year ago & my cousin just said he is rethinking his final arrangements that I mentioned then - sometimes just talking over an issue plants a seed that will ripen over time - pull back & let him stew about it for a while & maybe he will come up with 'his new idea' all on his own - good luck