I always feel like I fall short of taking care of my Mom. Is this normal?

If you are a perfectionist, that will be difficult to change. Still, with your mother having dementia, things aren't going to be exactly the way you want, so it would probably help to eliminate some of your tasks, streamline the ones you must do and lower your expectations of perfection. That's a lot of work though.

If you are the primary care giver for your mother with dementia, you have a full time job or should I say 3 full time jobs with her. Then the house keeping is another full time job. Dog care and grooming is a third. What about yard work?

Someone upthread says that professional home care providers are expensive. This is true, but do or your mom have the resources to hire a housekeeper a couple of times per week or someone to do the yard work? What if you sent the laundry out and took that off your do to list? And if the dog is too time consuming, is there a nice family who might take him?

Eliminating things on you plate is important as you mom is going to progressively require more time and energy. I applaud your efforts, but learning to accept your accomplishments and not sweat the small stuff would probably serve you well as burn out and anxiety often follow those who have unrealistic expectations of themselves. Good luck with your quests. I'm sure your mom is very grateful for your efforts.

Yes, I think it's normal. Remember the airline motto of taking care of yourself first in order to be there for others. Accept any help you might be eligible for. I'm always feeling guilty for not making my mother's life better in some way, but then I often realize that the guilt is self-imposed, and that many things I angst about don't matter to her all that much.

I am in a very similar situation with my husband and my dog, while caregiving for my mom..always feel someone is being neglected. We are living with her now, so its a lot easier that the four of us are under one roof, but still, there are days when I know my husband feels neglected. I very much liked the helpful advice above, particularly about keeping the focus on having good times with mom and worrying less about the laundry, as well as the idea of giving yourself credit for something every time you feel you are not measuring up. Hope you got as much out of all the excellent advice to your question as I did and please know you are not alone...take good care and perhaps try to pick up a hobby you had sometime in the past...I like to tend to my houseplants.

Yes, it's normal.

There is only one of you and there are only 24 hours in the day. You cannot be everywhere and do everything. Try this: every time you beat yourself for not doing one thing, you have to give yourself credit for doing one other thing. No, it doesn't stop me feeling like I've failed miserably either; but at least you're forced to acknowledge that you haven't been lounging on the chaise longue eating chocolates and painting your nails all day.

Two things...
1.) I agree with others here - I hear nothing about YOUR life.
2.) Maybe you could be doing 'more' or better' , but at what point will you then be literally, 100% living someone else's life.
Live your life for you, I'm not saying be completely selfish, but you only get one life. Live yours and then choose to give care and support to others as best you can without the guilt of 'not enough' dragging you down.

One thing that helps me is to focus on the bigger stuff. My house often looks like a tornado hit it, because I walk in the door and drop the bags and stuff I bring home from mom's - recycling, dirty laundry, med containers to refill, magazines, etc. But I don't stress over that any more. I don't have many visitors anyway.

I'm more focused on making sure that mom and I have some "fun" experiences together. I try to get her out to lunch or to the Dollar Store to to get a perm or an occasional manicure. I treasure those times together because it raises her spirits so much. So what if her place needs vacuuming? Or I don't get her clean laundry for a week and a half? It's not the end of the world.

I'd focus on the living (husbands, pets and parents) and what works to keep you and them happy and healthy and try to lose the stress about the other "shoulds". And New2This, get automatic bill pay set up. I have everything I can paid automatically out of my account or mom's account. Order groceries online if you can. And set boundaries with your mom. You don't have to visit her every day. My mom is 95 and lives in independent living (with a TON of assistance from me). I call her 2X a day (8 AM and 6 PM). I shower her one day a week and take her food and clean clothes a couple of times a week. I try to make sure to sit and talk with her during those visits (again, the human contact is important) and try to get her out once every two weeks or so. I also make it a priority to get some exercise for myself, which really, really helps with my mood and feeling like I can handle it all. We're all doing the best we can. We don't need to make it harder by beating ourselves up for not being perfect!

You should remind yourself you're taking on something you didn't plan to. This is a huge responsibility. It's never ending and you are doing the best you can. I often feel I come short of being the perfect caregiver. A lot of it with me and my mom taking care of my grandma is guess and check. We keep having to change our techniques, keep having to find new ways, learn tons (I research tons on the Internet to help) but one thing is for sure, this job isn't easy and isn't static. Between UTIs, changes with dementia, and people always come in asking us to make changes to 'assist' her, this has been a huge learning experience.

Just be open to what is needed, remind yourself you are only one person and make sure you make me time. I'm beginning to realize myself that you are only as good to your loved ones if you are taking care of yourself. If you are sick, run down, cranky and unhappy, then they will feel it and it will end up hurting them as well as you in the long run.

I feel the same way. My mom is in a retirement home so I'm not there 24/7 but I always feel like I don't do enough. But with ALZ approaching, I know I will have to do more and more as time goes on. She is very lonely with only myself and an old friend who visits a couple times a week. She refuses to get out of her room and meet other people. Doesn't want to leave her little dog for more than time to go eat, and she frequently skips that. I keep telling her she isn't doing her part to be happy "where you are".

All the time. Especially as needs of the patient change. I fall short no matter how hard I try. Some of it is my fault. Some are just the plain fact that my mom is frustrated and in pain and I don't have the cure for late stage 4 parkinsons and dementia.

Caring for parents is difficult and children often second guess themselves. This is a normal reaction. You want to do the best you can. Because you are not an expert you will make mistakes. Give yourself grace, learn more, and make the best decisions that you can.

Parents of newborn babies experience the same anxiety. Talk this over with your MD and consider an anxiety med combined with confidence building. Consider attending a caregivers meeting at a nearby nursing home, you will learn strategies for ditching guilt and being self-assured.

You're not alone; I'm always feeling this way. Until I quit my job and moved across the country to take care of my mom I had always lived as a bachelor, I'd never had to "take care of" someone else before. I know there are a lot of areas where I come up short. But I do know that, even though she's lost a lot of her memory, she's happy and loved and feels better just by the fact that I'm here with her. I get self-punitive a lot of the time and I beat myself up, but I'm learning to let that go. it's hard, though. No one is perfect and I've started getting outside help as my father is now in temporary rehab after suffering from a crippling infection. And everyone else is right - don't forget to take care of yourself, too. Something I need to do more of. But you're doing your best - there is no such thing as a "perfect" caregiver, and just the fact that you're there for her is reason enough to feel good about yourself.

Cadams, It sounds like you and I are both running a new parallel! I've been going to my Mom's house everyday. Afternoons, right after my Stepfather leaves for his job, since my Mom's event in early September. Plus spending lots of time driving her to medical appointments, errands since she can't drive right now, time on phone lining all up, getting results communicated, helping her to organize things around her home, etc.

Then I start to feel bad that my own house isn't picked up. Laundry isn't done, fridge and cupboards look like "Old Mother Hubbard's". Dogs are in need of bath/brushing/nail trims they used to get religiously every 2 weeks. I have an 8 month old puppy who does fine left with free run of the house for short trips, but I don't like to leave her out of her crate for trips more than an hour. I hate to put her in her crate, especially everyday and for so long, she just doesn't like her crate like past pups I've had, makes me feel really guilty and like I am failing her. I waited until we moved out of the city, and I didn't need to work anymore, until we added a pup. I wanted to have plenty of time to enjoy/train her. I am seeing a personality change in her, like she is less secure, or doesn't think she's a priority anymore since that has started to happen so much. I don't think my husband is very happy about it either. Although he doesn't say a lot, his life is being altered too, by no choice of his own. He's used to living in a pretty clean house, used to having food in the fridge. A lot of times when I try to leave Mom's to come home and greet DH after work, get dinner, etc. Mom will try every trick in the book to keep me there, he is starting to get annoyed with coming home to an empty house and waiting for me even though it's usually just for around a 1/2 hour before I'm home. I see his point, when I worked all day I wouldn't like coming home and waiting around for him either. He will pitch in and vacuum if I remember to ask, or run to the store if I send him, but it seems like I don't even have the time to organize that, make a list, etc., uggh, just seems like I'm always running behind. Even paying our bills late sometimes, plenty of $ in accounts, I just don't have the time to get to it on time.

I've been wondering the same thing as you. Am starting to think I may have to pull back, only go a few days a week, try and make them set days, like M-W-F, leave week ends open. Also going to try scheduling set times to think over things that need done, so my brain doesn't spin needlessly. At least that way T-Th will be cleared to honor the prior commitments. At first I started going daily because a Doc told her to walk a little daily. That was fine, but then other things started to get added. Then she started to refuse the walks, but still expects me to come everyday anyway. Before all this I used to just go over for an hour or two and have coffee once a week, for the 2+ years we've lived in the area. Before that we lived 4 hours away in a city, so rarely visited at all. We busted butt for years to finally get finances in order to be able to make the move and have peace, and time, and a lighter work load. Now I am feeling a bit like the rope in a game of tug-o-war, and quite unaccomplished. To top it off, I miss working. Anyway, I'm going to give that a try, it's all I can think of. (Not quite sure how I'm going to spit it out, but something's going to need changed.) Hang in there. I know what you are feeling.

cadams, think of it this way, you were thrown into a *job* that you were not professionally trained to do.... and that not everyone can be a Caregiver, just like not everyone can be a brain surgeon, a firefighter, an astronaut, etc.

I keep telling my parents that when the time come that they need help with daily routines in their home [they still live on their own], that they would need to hire someone who is certified to do the job. Someone who knows how to do CPR, how to do blood pressure readings, how to listen to their heart for any issues.... someone who has the strength to pick them up correctly should they fall... etc.

And as Samara had said above, tend to your own doctor appointments first... that is where I had failed for myself, I ignored my own health needs and now I am paying for the delays health wise. My parents don't like hearing *no* whenever they ask me to help them with something, I have no choice.

Well sure it can help to hire help, but if you're like my parents (and most average people) funds are limited, and those helpers are extremely expensive, as in $30/hour with a 3-hr minimum. At that rate who can afford daily help? Which is really what you need. So don't even think about hiring help. You need to affirm your own needs first & foremost. Eat well, do your own housework first, make your own doctor's appointments first (and don't go cancelling them to accomodate your mom). Build a sturdy wall around your needs and THEN you will not feel so much like you can't do enough for mom. Include YOU in your daily workload to an equal degree.

Do not keep "beating " yourself up..you are doing the best you can under the circumstances.You cannot solve all problems and go back in time to the way things used to be..you have to be easy on yourself..yes you want to do more but do the circumstances allow it? Probably not...you are perfect they way you are ..keep up the great work and take it easier on yourself..

This is interesting. It seems to me that there are two issues at work simultaneously:

1. how we "always" have been and

2. coping with a new stress.

In my case, I have "always" been a problem solver--an instantaneous problem solver. I want problems fixed, and fixed for good, immediately.

So, how am I coping with the new stress? With barely concealed frustration. I can't "solve" my mother's memory loss, I can't stop her from saying the same things 12 times in a row, I can't stop her from asking questions non-stop, etc.

In my case, I need to really address both of these issues. I have to be more accepting of the fact that I can't solve the problems, and then employ strategies to deal with the specific stress. Generally, a great strategy, that I am able to employ, is to keep my visits to the AL frequent and SHORT. Not more than an hour. That way I am not pushed past my limit. Specifically, I use the techniques of ignore and re-direct. I also try to "get on board" with what my mom is saying. Let her know that she is right about this or that. That makes her feel like we are on the same page and she love sit.

I can empathize for sure....After two years of round-the-clock caregiving my heart gave out in 2007 and I had emergency bypass surgery...since then I am no longer able to keep my good wife at home...I visit her in a very good nursing home three miles from home twice a day, and hire paid ladies to go in and be with her for the supper hour....Often I go over at the supper hour even though she has a companion,,,,I am glad to do it.....Still I feel that I could/should do more....For the past few months I have been exceptionally listless and feeling tired most of the time.....I "know" that I need to do some walking or other light exercise, perhaps get away for two or three days on a little trip, and so on...I do eat very nutritiously, and don't smoke or drink....
My point is, long term caregiving, even in a situation as caregiver-friendly as mine and my wife's, the activity takes its toll in a sort of brown out if not a burn out...

In nice weather I ride motorcycles for relaxation and it sort of gives me a "fix".

BTW, my house interior is a fright....It is more clutter than dirtiness.....

I think your problem will be lessened considerably if you get some outside help so that you can have some regular time of your own...

(It is not lost on me that I could lessen my lethargy by taking action, but I am not going to beat myself up over the issue).

Remind yourself that you are only one limited human being who is doing the best they can. I hear your focus on your mother, the house and your dog. I do wonder what are you doing for yourself? My other question is have you reached the point as a caregiver of your mother with alzheimer's / dementia.that you need some outside help? One person doing 24/7 with someone that has alzheimer's / dementia reaches a point of impossibility. Prayers, hugs and love for you in your journey.