I do have a husband & 2 teenaged kids who are great but I've been caregiving for Mom in my home for the past 2 years after my only sibling died suddenly. Mom had dementia and other health issues. She really declined between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day on which she succumbed to her illnesses. I have a wonderful husband and 2 great kids, with whom I can spend more time now. But I really miss Mom and am not sure what to do now. Any advice?
Your life has changed dramatically, and with the support of your family, you will not only survive but once again enjoy life. But, first , you have to grieve.
You've got a huge hole in your days that will feel foreign to you. You don't have your mom there needing you as she has these past two years, which most likely, took away from the time you would have spent grieving your sibling. You are bound to feel her loss deeply.
Your recovery will be your own since grief is different for everyone. If you are anything like me it will be uneven. You'll have times of relief and even joy because you know that your mom is set free. Then, you'll be nearly overwhelmed with your loss. These times can come out of nowhere - even as you experience a time of gratitude and joy.
Like love, you can't pin down grief and write a prescription. However, you will be okay. Your mom is still with you in spirit, filled with gratitude for all that you've done for her. As you begin to accept this, and understand that the legacy of her life has not been erased, you'll begin to come together inside.
One thing that can help is to write a list of what her life has meant to you and those who loved her. Keep that around (tear stains and all) so that you can remind yourself that no one is ever "gone." A life once lived remains.
Take care of yourself, now. You are fragile. Take all the time that you need.
Carol
Caregivers have another kind of loss when their loved one dies. Caregiving has been a big chunk of your life for some time. You spent a lot of time with the LO, and also thought about them when you weren't together. Caregiving gives you a purpose and a focus. Even if you viewed it as a burden or were experiencing burnout, caregiving was a part of you. When it is gone, what are you going to do to replace it?
Spending more time with your family is one answer, and perhaps that will be enough. You could also use that extra time on a hobby, or volunteer work, or paid work. But again, be patient! Give yourself some down time to adjust. Your mother died two weeks ago. Don't go out and sign up for golf lessons and volunteer at the library and start applying for part-time jobs tomorrow! Do resume an active life, but don't rush into everything all at once.
It is great that you have a wonderful, supportive family. It will be great to have more time for them!
Like you I too have a husband and children but somehow no one seems to fill the void,because a mother is unique to us all and now you are finding out that all the old adages are true; there's no one like your mother;youonly have one mother etc etc.
You are being too hard on yourself and expecting your grief to go, its too early, it is because she was your first friend and best as you got older, how can you expect not to feel wretched, lost and feeling guilt about what you could have done and didn't, that you did do and wished you hadn't, it does hurt like h*ll, but here is the good news, IT WILL PASS, don't expect any real answers there are none, so just hang on in there and before you know you will find you've not forgotten her but how much she gave to you as her daughter and finally your family will be able to help you pick yourself up out of the darkness you are feeling now.
Don't know if this helps but I pray it does and I send you my loving thoughts as a fellow member of this sad old world that mysteriously give us all time to recover from grief if we let it.
Love to you from
Mavis.
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