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I do have a husband & 2 teenaged kids who are great but I've been caregiving for Mom in my home for the past 2 years after my only sibling died suddenly. Mom had dementia and other health issues. She really declined between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day on which she succumbed to her illnesses. I have a wonderful husband and 2 great kids, with whom I can spend more time now. But I really miss Mom and am not sure what to do now. Any advice?

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I just lost my mom two weeks ago to ALS i to was her caregiver. My mom was my angel i cry every day. For hours.my name is Marcia feel free to message me
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I have to say thank you to the OP for asking the question and to those who answered. So many answers described exactly what I am going through after my mom's unexpected death a week and a half ago; prior to that my step-dad died 6 months ago. Thank you for mentioning "the fog, the guilt, the unanswered questions".
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Dear Dogmother3,
I too have just lost my Momma just 0ne month ago. I cared for her for 4 n half years. She was 89 when she went home to Jesus! The 1st 3 wks I was totally confused, thoughts going everywhere. I too lost my husband 10 months prior. Now, I'm grieving both of them. My head is clearer now so the tears are pouring out more. Just this morning, I reminded myself to celebrate in my mind the fact that we all made it! Me, my husband, who was my rock of support, and my Momma! We made it thru the huge challenge of taking care of an elder with alzheimers. Not a small task to say the least. My Momma made it too because thru it all she was super sweet, always loving everyone, cute as a button, one of the funniest people I know, a real trooper, doing as much as she physically could. I could go on and on. Yes, grieving is very important and I totally hate it! We can grieve and be happy for our blessings too. I will pray for you Dogmother3, please pray for me too. I believe prayer is powerful. And remember, we can still talk to our loved ones, I do.
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I totally understand your situation. My mom also passed away last Sept. 15, 2016. She also suffered from ALZ, and I was the one who took care of her during her last days here on earth. All I can say is to allow yourself to grieve, it may take some time, but gradually you will surely be able to accept it and be able to cope the loneliness of missing her. What I am trying to do now is to at least be grateful that I was able to spend the previous two years of my life taking care of her. This somehow helps me a lot to accept the situation. I have hopes that I will see her again someday in heaven. God bless you!
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I hear you more than you will ever know.My Mom passed away May of 2015 at 89.How would you like to hold yourself responsible as I do because maybe I did not make her drink more water as she has a second urinary infection and the doctor gave her Cipro which ruined her kidneys.My Mom was not just my mom she was my best friend.Almost two years has not taken away 1 ounce of the pain.No Christmas tree for the second year no Christmas Lights no nothing. Our house use to look like a Christmas Store.Ihave come to the conclusion it will never stop, it's like I'm here but I'm not.
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You may want to seek out the help of a psychiatrist, short term.
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You have been on hi alert for a long time. Suddenly, you are not. It is a 'crash'. like speeding at 80 mph and then coming to an abrupt stop.Your body,soul and spirit are still reverberating. Feeling lost,out of it, can't concentrate etc are all perfectly normal. It takes time to get into a new balance. It is very hard work: I felt totally not needed (even though I had other family);irritable,cranky;upside down and inside out!! Whatever feelings arise,let them. Just know it will take time. Be kind to yourself now. Tell your family you are going thru a 'dry patch' and now you need them to be patient with you. You will recover! Best wishes to you. Malachy
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I can understand how you feel lonely and sad. A good counselor can help so much. Talking to someone who is not family or a friend, who really can understand and help you acknowledge your feelings will be so helpful. Make inquiries as to who is the best professional person to counsel you. Yes, it will cost money, it is worth it. You deserve to have guidance and will benefit one hundred fold (your family too.)
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I am sorry for your loss. My Mom died a bit over a year ago after a rough time and being bedridden in my home. I cared for her 24/7 for well over a year. I was so busy at first after she passed away, but it seemed to hit me harder than before about 9 months after she died before the holidays. Then the tears would come so easily, usually early evenings. I am still sad at how rough it had to be for her, and mad at how incompetent some of the medical and rehab people in nursing homes were before I finally took her home and she finally had a great hospice team. The emotions are sometimes up and down. My Mom has been in my dreams a lot lately and she appears younger and is able to walk, often on a vacation somewhere nice, etc. I find that a sign that she is ok now and it is replacing my memory of her bedridden. Please give yourself a lot of time and understand the emotions may come and go...but it gets better at some point. What helped me was to go through old photos where she was young and happy.
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I think everyone here has already said all the right stuff. It is true that grief is different for everyone. Allow your grief to last as long as you need to. I don't think we ever stop grieving entirely; I lost my mom almost a year ago and there are moments during the day when I still feel as pained and raw as I did the day after she died. But there are other moments where I can enjoy more positive feelings, while realizing that my mother, though gone in body, is still with me in spirit. I talk to her every night and that helps, too. It will get better, but allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to right now.
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Hospice has AWESOME grief counselors, education classes, activities - free for all ages, and all family members, teens, kids, spouses. You will all benefit from it and understand the grieving process and all feelings and why grief happens the way it does. They minister to anyone even if your loved one was not the patient. Find and GO to your nearest one. I lost my mom 2 months ago, and within a 6 week period her younger sister, and a brother-in law! So 3 loved ones will knock the wind out of you. Just take your time to grieve completely. "Grief=You have to go through it, you can't go around it." And now you'll be dealing with estate... It's all stressful never seems to end, but it will someday. If you need to cry - DO IT! It's healing . Great resources: 1. Life after Loss-
Grieving with Hope, Tim Jackson Our Daily Bread Ministries, ourdailybread.org. (free) 2. When Your Parent Dies, Jane Woods Shoemaker, USAA.org. (free) MANY more out there - The education is awesome! God Bless You through this difficult journey in your live - one day at a time. 3. THIS WEBSITE.
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To make life decisions without carefully choosing, and choosing for the right reasons. So, be aware, you can bury the grief, and it can come out in negative, self destructive ways...that have potential long term consequences. I am giving myself a year to work through what I want to do. I love my husband and went to the wall to help him any way that I could. But the reality is that maybe I love him much more than he loves me, even after this shared experience. That is where I am at, 1 month out.
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My MIL died Dec 19th, after a sudden physical decline. She actually died from Alzheimer's disease and stopped eating and drinking totally about 4 days before she passed. Up until that time, she had the dementia symptoms and lost her ability to move around on her own. But she was still mentally present and did recognize bits and pieces of her life. She was content...until we had drama with hospice personnel and APS regarding her little dog that was her constant companion. We literally had to step over those people to honor her final wishes, to die a natural death in her own home, in the care of her family.
I now find myself angry, worn out, and I miss her. After 5 years, there is a void. But, even asa primary caregiver, backing up my husband financially and domestically, and being his helper for my MIL, I feel forgotten, neglected, and yes, even a bit USED. The family never thanked me directly, no sympathy cards, no flowers, no kind words. As usual, I am in the background, making things happen, keeping life sane...and I am feeling really resentful toward these people! I took on THEIR RESPONSIBILITY and all I want is a d*mn "thank you" and maybe a little concern for my well being. I guess it is too much to ask as the third wife...been with my husband, the oldest child, for 8 years now...married for 4. I'm not going anywhere and I would have to love my husband and really care for his mom to go through what I went through and stay. My adult children are astonished, to have witnessed the effort made and see the attitudes at the end. My daughter told me yesterday..."I don't think I could have done what you did, Mom. You are truly "ride or die" for him aren't you? He doesn't know what he has, even now".
So...looking for a counselor, because I recognize my husband is grieving the loss of his mother, and it is clear there is no emotional support from him or his family for my recovery. It leaves me questioning whether I wish to remain in this relationship or stay married. I find myself looking for a job transfer opportunity, too.
The urge to do SOMETHING ELSE with my life is strong...but I am numb, angry, and hurt...I feel ignored. I don't want
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Hi I am so sorry for your recent losses. When my mother died, I felt like this too. I found a lovely photo of my mother, and put it in a prominent place where I could see it every day. The photo was a comfort to me daily, especially in the early weeks.
I hope this helps, Arlene Hutcheon
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Dearest dogmother3: I am so sorry for your loss. There is no time limit for grief. Also, a support system of friends or church if you're a woman of God, can comfort you.
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Greetings. I completely understand where you are coming from. I was my parents' caregiver for more than 5 years. I lived with them. In September 2015, my mom went into a skilled nursing facility. Then in January 2016, my father went into the same skilled nursing facility. My mother passed away in March, and my dad passed away in September - only 5 months apart. Even though I was no longer caring for my parents full-time at home, I was still caring for them and visiting them every day while they were in the skilled nursing facility. When mom passed, I still had dad to take care of. When he passed in September...well, I felt lost. And, of course, I missed them greatly. My purpose each and everyday was to take care of their needs; now that was gone. It's only been 4 months since dad passed, and there are still those days when I wonder what I'm going to do today. I catch myself wanting to phone them or go visit them when I have some exciting news, or just to hear their voices. I see ads in the paper for my mom's favorite candy and begin to weep. Or I make my dad's favorite dinner and cry through the first 5 minutes of eating. I think one of the biggest helps in going through the grieving process is to be patient with yourself. It's your grieving process, and no one else's. Take one minute, one hour, one day at a time and breathe. Don't stop yourself from crying. Let it go. And, don't be surprised as to when it will hit. Some of the craziest times when you least expect it....but expect it. Get into a grief group. Have your support group - your family, friends, church group, etc - help you along the way. Talk about your mom. Many people don't know how to deal with people who just lost a loved one and don't know what to say to you. Talk about your mom. This will give them a chance to talk about her, too. And gives them a chance to grieve with you. Also, get yourself busy. Go visiting others. You have the opportunity to give out of your experience. We as caregivers have so much to offer if we just are willing to be used - even through our grief. Just know you are not alone in this. Blessings!
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Dear Dogmother,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished and beloved mother. I'm so sorry. Its a very difficult time. All your feelings and thoughts and natural after such a huge loss. I agree with a lot that has already been said. Continue to surround yourself with loving friends and family. Let the grieving process takes its course. Someone compared it to the ocean tied going in and out. And that is how I feel during my grief journey. And if you feel like it, write in a journal, create a memory box, visit your mom at the cemetery, create a ritual to remember her by. Talk to a counselor or seek out grief support group. Please take care of yourself the best you can. Thinking of you.
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I am losing my mom to Alzheimer's bit by bit and eventually I know I will lose her physically, so I am already grieving. I agree with everyone who has shared their feelings: give yourself time, and don't expect that you will EVER stop feeling this loss. Even people who have not had a positive relationship with their moms grieve when their mom dies. And why should you stop experiencing it as a loss? Why should we ever feel the need to stop missing the people we loved and have lost. The thing is you don't want grief to immobilize you and take over your life. Aside from that, just feel what you need to feel. Surround yourself with people who are okay giving quiet support and are willing to listen when you need to talk. Don't compare yourself to anyone elses grief timeline--your feelings are valid where they are. Dealing with my mom and knowing where it will eventually lead, really does make me appreciate my life, people in it and just everyday in general. Sometimes that is "the gift" we get from difficult situations: we learn to appreciate the everyday much more than we might.
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My mom died September 17, 2014 from injuries she sustained in her nursing home after just being admitted 18 days earlier. I still feel as though I am lost. Although I get up every day and do what is necessary it is like I am waiting for something, but what? We all need a purpose in our lives, something to live for, something to do. Everyone has mentioned grieving and I think they are right, I think it takes time and we have to now find a new path or project for our lives but I do think it takes time. I don't know if I have personally actually grieved yet. I am on medication for panic and anxiety so I think it has clouded that process. I hope all works out for you and you find yourself and your purpose to continue a full and happy life!
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I too recently lost my Mom Oct 1, 2016. I still have not removed myself from this site because I feel if I can give just one person some words of comfort, it will help me in the grieving process. Loosing a loved one is hard. I highly suggest that you seek some bereavement counseling. You may want to try group classes first. I was able to take advantage of the free group sessions offered by the hospice center she was a patient of (Home hospice). Take care of yourself. My thought and prayers are with you.
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As many have said-it takes time. Give yourself the time. Know that things will get better, but don't think that it will happen by a certain date. You may also experience a roller-coaster of emotions. Just when you think you maybe over the hump, the deep sadness-grief may return. The fog should subside in weeks-months. But then, fully adapting to your new life without your mother, may take a year or longer. Depends on many factors. Also know, unfortunately others may not be able to relate to your experience or how you are responding. That's when you may need to rely on a variety of friends, clergy, support groups. I wish you eventual peace within...
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Be aware that your old life style is drastically changed too - you may find yourself starting to go do a regular action for her many times a day - your daily rhythm has to reset itself to 'the new norm' - 2 weeks is too short of a time to have gone through all the stages of grief -

You probably are the person whose life has changed to most because you were both full time caretaker & loving daughter - it is now the time of your re-adjustment & it will take a while -

It might help to take up a hobby or volunteer to slot in some of your time so that you still feel you are accomplishing something a few days a week [not that keeping a household going isn't doing something] like volunteering at a school, pick up your knitting, join a gym etc
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I am so sorry for your loss. Concentrate on the memories of the good times before things went south. You will cry and cry and cry - that is normal. I have had so many losses in my life and years later, I can still cry about them. This is part of life - we can't change what is and will be but thinking of the wonderful memories sometimes eases the pain. After all, you were blessed with having good memories - some of of us don't have that luck. Time heals many things and you are so blessed to have family members to be loved by and love. I am all alone and would give anything for that - so cry, it eases the pain in the soul and eventually you will look back at the wonderful times with a smile.
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Dogmother3,
You've been through and going through so much. I'm sure it wasn't easy caring for your mom during her dementia, it's such an awful disease. I know a few women family members who feel just like you do and they're mothers have deceased for quite some time, at least longer then 10 years. Our mom has dementi, 4 years now. We're at the point now that she needs more help then my sister, brother and I can give her. She became ill and the dementia has caused her to revert back to her physically stronger days making her think she can do just about anything and she may hurt herself physically. We love our dear mother very much and have done everything possible to keep her happy, safe and retain as of her dignity. I only share this with you because in our hearts we have to know that what we have (you included) done for our mother is because of our "unconditional love" for them and God knows it. When God decides he needs mom more than we do I know our hearts will ache just like your's does but I have to believe that she will be much more happier in her new life. I'm sure you have a lot of beautiful memories of your mom. Use them to comfort you and pray to God to give you the strength you need to get through the day. My husband has been a blessing, he is truly a God's sent. Give your family a chance, they love you very much.
God bless and stay strong.
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I am sorry for your losses. I can relate to your experience. I lost my own mother the day before Thanksgiving after an eight year battle with Alzheimer's Disease. As single, only child, I cared for her by myself throughout her illness. I feel her loss very deeply.

I second all the other responses to your inquiry. You have been deeply wounded. Take all the time you need to mourn your losses. Bereavement has no set timeframes. When my father passed away, it took about a year before I felt normal. Lean on your family for support. If you need extra support, you may want to join a local bereavement group or consult a bereavement counselor. Whatever you do, know this: the unremitting sadness that you feel will ease with time. You will lovingly remember your brother and mom. In the meantime be kind to yourself. May God bless in your moment of grief.
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You'll need time. Perhaps more than you think. And definitely more than others will think you need. It's raw, personal and unpredictable. Be kind to yourself.
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Thank you, friends, for your kind words, encouragement, advice and prayers. Reading these makes me feel not so lonesome today because you know exactly how I feel.
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Sorry for your loss. It will take some time to get back into your groove. I lost my mom 2 years ago. I took care if her for 6 years. She lived next door to me. She had COPD and never drove. I did pretty much everything for her. My brother died the year before her at age 55 and my sister just this past November at age 60. It's been a rough 3 years. I have my husband and 2 grown kids. The kids don't live at home. I was lost for some time. Just try to get yourself involved in activities and maybe a hobby. Best of luck to you.
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You do what other folks have done, what I did as well. Move forward and give thanks to the Lord for blessing you with many happy times and keeping you safe over time. We all know that someday we face the inevitable when they must leave us, yet it's not something that's easily prepared for nor to accept. I thank God everyday for my wonderful mother teaching me great values and watching over me. It's your time now to concentrate on you. It's alright to grieve as it is necessary. There's no amount of time for this, you must go at your own pace. Soon you will have less sad days and more days over time to love & appreciate her. God will miraculously fill your void and clear you of your pain. Have faith!
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I am so sorry for your loss. My mother passed away almost 4 years ago, and I still grieve her daily. The first year was the worst, I cried frequently.
You can read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying" - it is a lovely book and you may understand the grieving process more clearly.
I agree with the poster above that discussed the fact that the dead are free, but it is the living that suffer. My mother died at 89. She was in decline for about 18 months or so prior to her passing. She fell and broke her hip at age 87; it went downhill from there. We had to place her in a nursing home and she despised being there but needed supervision 24/7.
Looking back, that was not my mother - the person she was in those 18 months. She had dementia and often couldn't remember her family members, and was generally miserable. She was just as miserable at home prior to her NH admission - couldn't go anywhere, her sisters had passed away (the three of them hung out together for many many years), her mobility was effected, everything was different. As I am a RN, I knew she wasn't going to improve. She had a stroke about 4 weeks before she died and I placed her in hospice. I was lucky to be there when she passed as I felt her spirit leave this earth but the wonderful thing is at that moment her spirit moved into me as well.
We were very close. She passed in April and a few weeks later it was Mother's Day and that was hard for me. When she passed it was a Full Moon; to this day anytime it's a full moon, I call it "Mommy's moon" and know we are together.
Oh yes, it gets easier, but it takes time - not months but years. At year two, I felt in my heart that she was happy somewhere in Heaven and in an better place. Now I still speak to her every day because every day there is an occasion that I do something that we did together - whether it was a phone conversation, something about a department store, many many little things where I know she is close to me.
I know how you feel and my heart aches for you. Losing your mother is horrible. The sense of loneliness and despair is real. But remember the little things -like when you held her hand, stroked her arm, took her to the movies, curled her hair, got her anything she wanted (even a blueberry muffin or a McDonald's Fish Sandwich which was her favorite) and saw the happiness on her face because you will never lose those times together in your memory.
Your mother will always be with you in your heart and soul. But in the meantime let yourself grieve, its ok. It will take lots of time but then that glorious feeling that you know she is ok and that you shine in your life by what she taught you - unconditional love. Then you can move forward.
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