Follow
Share

I do have a husband & 2 teenaged kids who are great but I've been caregiving for Mom in my home for the past 2 years after my only sibling died suddenly. Mom had dementia and other health issues. She really declined between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day on which she succumbed to her illnesses. I have a wonderful husband and 2 great kids, with whom I can spend more time now. But I really miss Mom and am not sure what to do now. Any advice?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

42 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
My first advice is to give yourself plenty of time to grieve. Be patient. Mom died two weeks ago? It isn't realistic to expect yourself to be "over it" or "back to normal" yet. Most people who lose someone close to them feel dazed and lost for several months. It does get better with time, and you have to take that time.

Caregivers have another kind of loss when their loved one dies. Caregiving has been a big chunk of your life for some time. You spent a lot of time with the LO, and also thought about them when you weren't together. Caregiving gives you a purpose and a focus. Even if you viewed it as a burden or were experiencing burnout, caregiving was a part of you. When it is gone, what are you going to do to replace it?

Spending more time with your family is one answer, and perhaps that will be enough. You could also use that extra time on a hobby, or volunteer work, or paid work. But again, be patient! Give yourself some down time to adjust. Your mother died two weeks ago. Don't go out and sign up for golf lessons and volunteer at the library and start applying for part-time jobs tomorrow! Do resume an active life, but don't rush into everything all at once.

It is great that you have a wonderful, supportive family. It will be great to have more time for them!
Helpful Answer (21)
Report
When I lost my father I cried a lot and the best thing was simply talk about to friends and family. It's hard because not only was there grieving but the multitudes of things you have to do--what helped me is to remember they are in a better place and one day you too will have to die. Their suffering is over. Nobody can escape dying. Nobody. It's the living that has to grieve -- the dead are free. I know that sounds morbid but it's true and it does help me. You are lucky at least you have a family who can help you while I have nobody. I suggest you don't get caught up in the funeral--buy flowers and expensive things for the living not the dead. I had my father cremated and I bought a very nice box for his ashes at a cigar shop which was only about $30 on sale. The funeral home wanted to sell me a small cheap-looking box for $1,000 and I thought he was crazy. You see they take advantage of your grief so don't let them--UNLESS you can afford it. I can't. I still have to live.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I lost my mum 18years ago and I still long to be with her again to talk and laugh and yes sometimes cry together. The loss of your mum is like no other and I felt abandoned at first even a bit angry, but what I can never forget are the many happy memories we shared. You have only just lost your mom and so I feel your pain for you, all I can say is wait and each day you will begin to think of other things, or find yourself smiling about something that reminds you of her without feeling the rawness you are feeling now.
Like you I too have a husband and children but somehow no one seems to fill the void,because a mother is unique to us all and now you are finding out that all the old adages are true; there's no one like your mother;youonly have one mother etc etc.
You are being too hard on yourself and expecting your grief to go, its too early, it is because she was your first friend and best as you got older, how can you expect not to feel wretched, lost and feeling guilt about what you could have done and didn't, that you did do and wished you hadn't, it does hurt like h*ll, but here is the good news, IT WILL PASS, don't expect any real answers there are none, so just hang on in there and before you know you will find you've not forgotten her but how much she gave to you as her daughter and finally your family will be able to help you pick yourself up out of the darkness you are feeling now.
Don't know if this helps but I pray it does and I send you my loving thoughts as a fellow member of this sad old world that mysteriously give us all time to recover from grief if we let it.
Love to you from
Mavis.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report
I felt like that after my dad died. Be gentle with yourself. Gentle, gentle. Time will take care of the rest.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I'm so sorry for your double loss. You are likely still grieving for your sibling and now you have lost your mom.

Your life has changed dramatically, and with the support of your family, you will not only survive but once again enjoy life. But, first , you have to grieve.

You've got a huge hole in your days that will feel foreign to you. You don't have your mom there needing you as she has these past two years, which most likely, took away from the time you would have spent grieving your sibling. You are bound to feel her loss deeply.

Your recovery will be your own since grief is different for everyone. If you are anything like me it will be uneven. You'll have times of relief and even joy because you know that your mom is set free. Then, you'll be nearly overwhelmed with your loss. These times can come out of nowhere - even as you experience a time of gratitude and joy.

Like love, you can't pin down grief and write a prescription. However, you will be okay. Your mom is still with you in spirit, filled with gratitude for all that you've done for her. As you begin to accept this, and understand that the legacy of her life has not been erased, you'll begin to come together inside.

One thing that can help is to write a list of what her life has meant to you and those who loved her. Keep that around (tear stains and all) so that you can remind yourself that no one is ever "gone." A life once lived remains.

Take care of yourself, now. You are fragile. Take all the time that you need.
Carol
Helpful Answer (21)
Report
I was a basket case for the first 6 months after my mother died. I cried everyday at the drop of a hat. One day I was sitting on my yoga mat, staring into space (not meditating, just sitting there dazed). Suddenly I heard a spring door bumper go off (vibrate) by itself. That never happened before or since. I considered that to be a sign that my mother was doing fine in the afterlife. I had a few dreams later, in which she appeared younger and happy. So give it time, as others have advised. Eventually your mother will probably let you know that she is doing well in her new "digs." Blessing to you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Sorry for your losses. It's normal to grieve for a while even if you must seek a support group. However, crying over a loss won't bring them back, so remember there's a time to grieve and a time to get over it and move on. I saw firsthand what happens when someone dwells on something like this, at some point they get very badly messed up mentally, especially if they don't seek help. To grieve for a while is one thing, to take it too far is another. No, you just don't snap out of something like this, grieving is a process toward healing from the loss because you just can't stay in a support group forever when you must move forward with your life at some point
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Others have given you excellent answers here, and I agree with what they've said. You might also look for a local grief support group and see if that helps. Best wishes to you as you take the time to work through your grief.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
I am so sorry for your loss! The "fog" may continue for a while yet - mine lasted two months! I didn't try to push through it, just allowed myself time to grieve. You go from the busyness of trying to do everything for your loved one and taking care if your own family to feeling bereft. My prayers are with you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Start nurturing you now by taking a class or exercise group or go to a berievement support group and be around others that feel your loss. Volunteer at a local program in your town giving back often fills that void. If that doesn't work you may need to see a doctor for medications to help you though the depression for a bit. I lost my mother and best friend and it took me a year to resume back to what I call normal.
Best regards,
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I support all the posts highly. Such loss is simply too large to feel any solidness for various times. My relationship with my mom was complex and convoluted, adding to the difficulties of re-grouping after her death. I grieved strongly for 2 years, what was termed "complex grieving disorder". I sought treatment from professionals and was supported and encouraged. I also developed a stronger spirituality which was what eventually broke my bonds of grief. Sure, sometimes I catch myself reaching for the telephone to call her, but now I just talk to her mentally. I have experienced grace. Be kind to yourself and don't measure the length of your grieving by anyone's tapemeasure but your own. Seek guidance and support from places like church, support groups from hospice agencies or private mental health professionals. Of all things I've been through, this was the most challenging. Peace to you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am so sorry for your loss and I truly do feel your pain. I took care of my own mother who had Alzheimer's for almost three years before she passed away just two months ago. I too have a wonderful loving husband and two wonderful children that are trying to help me as they deal with their own grief. Here are a few suggestions that have helped me. First of all, you might try writing a small diary. I call my, "a talk with mother". In it, everyday, write down what you would like to say to your mother if she were still here and you could have a normal conversation with her. It's just between you and her so say what you need to say. Cry, laugh, shout! Just let it all out. It is very theraputic. (You might even want to do a seperate diary for your lost sibling) Secondly, there is a wonderful website, www.jw.org, that has so many Bible answers to questions you may have and emotions you are feeling. You could spend hours there. It deals with all kinds of subjects, but I searched under the subjects of death and grieving and it was so helpful. I have also found it helpful to talk about my mother and how I am feeling openly with my family. We have had many crying seasons, but we also are now having some laughing seasons as well as we think of some of the funny things my mother would do. I hope these suggestions have been helpful to you. I agree with the others, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. A major part of my life is now gone and I am having to relearn how to live a normal life. But what is normal and how can you feel when it is simply not normal to "NOT" have your mother there? I truly do understand what you are going through. My prayers are with you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am so sorry for your loss. My mother passed away almost 4 years ago, and I still grieve her daily. The first year was the worst, I cried frequently.
You can read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying" - it is a lovely book and you may understand the grieving process more clearly.
I agree with the poster above that discussed the fact that the dead are free, but it is the living that suffer. My mother died at 89. She was in decline for about 18 months or so prior to her passing. She fell and broke her hip at age 87; it went downhill from there. We had to place her in a nursing home and she despised being there but needed supervision 24/7.
Looking back, that was not my mother - the person she was in those 18 months. She had dementia and often couldn't remember her family members, and was generally miserable. She was just as miserable at home prior to her NH admission - couldn't go anywhere, her sisters had passed away (the three of them hung out together for many many years), her mobility was effected, everything was different. As I am a RN, I knew she wasn't going to improve. She had a stroke about 4 weeks before she died and I placed her in hospice. I was lucky to be there when she passed as I felt her spirit leave this earth but the wonderful thing is at that moment her spirit moved into me as well.
We were very close. She passed in April and a few weeks later it was Mother's Day and that was hard for me. When she passed it was a Full Moon; to this day anytime it's a full moon, I call it "Mommy's moon" and know we are together.
Oh yes, it gets easier, but it takes time - not months but years. At year two, I felt in my heart that she was happy somewhere in Heaven and in an better place. Now I still speak to her every day because every day there is an occasion that I do something that we did together - whether it was a phone conversation, something about a department store, many many little things where I know she is close to me.
I know how you feel and my heart aches for you. Losing your mother is horrible. The sense of loneliness and despair is real. But remember the little things -like when you held her hand, stroked her arm, took her to the movies, curled her hair, got her anything she wanted (even a blueberry muffin or a McDonald's Fish Sandwich which was her favorite) and saw the happiness on her face because you will never lose those times together in your memory.
Your mother will always be with you in your heart and soul. But in the meantime let yourself grieve, its ok. It will take lots of time but then that glorious feeling that you know she is ok and that you shine in your life by what she taught you - unconditional love. Then you can move forward.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You do what other folks have done, what I did as well. Move forward and give thanks to the Lord for blessing you with many happy times and keeping you safe over time. We all know that someday we face the inevitable when they must leave us, yet it's not something that's easily prepared for nor to accept. I thank God everyday for my wonderful mother teaching me great values and watching over me. It's your time now to concentrate on you. It's alright to grieve as it is necessary. There's no amount of time for this, you must go at your own pace. Soon you will have less sad days and more days over time to love & appreciate her. God will miraculously fill your void and clear you of your pain. Have faith!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Sorry for your loss. It will take some time to get back into your groove. I lost my mom 2 years ago. I took care if her for 6 years. She lived next door to me. She had COPD and never drove. I did pretty much everything for her. My brother died the year before her at age 55 and my sister just this past November at age 60. It's been a rough 3 years. I have my husband and 2 grown kids. The kids don't live at home. I was lost for some time. Just try to get yourself involved in activities and maybe a hobby. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Thank you, friends, for your kind words, encouragement, advice and prayers. Reading these makes me feel not so lonesome today because you know exactly how I feel.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You'll need time. Perhaps more than you think. And definitely more than others will think you need. It's raw, personal and unpredictable. Be kind to yourself.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I am sorry for your losses. I can relate to your experience. I lost my own mother the day before Thanksgiving after an eight year battle with Alzheimer's Disease. As single, only child, I cared for her by myself throughout her illness. I feel her loss very deeply.

I second all the other responses to your inquiry. You have been deeply wounded. Take all the time you need to mourn your losses. Bereavement has no set timeframes. When my father passed away, it took about a year before I felt normal. Lean on your family for support. If you need extra support, you may want to join a local bereavement group or consult a bereavement counselor. Whatever you do, know this: the unremitting sadness that you feel will ease with time. You will lovingly remember your brother and mom. In the meantime be kind to yourself. May God bless in your moment of grief.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Dogmother3,
You've been through and going through so much. I'm sure it wasn't easy caring for your mom during her dementia, it's such an awful disease. I know a few women family members who feel just like you do and they're mothers have deceased for quite some time, at least longer then 10 years. Our mom has dementi, 4 years now. We're at the point now that she needs more help then my sister, brother and I can give her. She became ill and the dementia has caused her to revert back to her physically stronger days making her think she can do just about anything and she may hurt herself physically. We love our dear mother very much and have done everything possible to keep her happy, safe and retain as of her dignity. I only share this with you because in our hearts we have to know that what we have (you included) done for our mother is because of our "unconditional love" for them and God knows it. When God decides he needs mom more than we do I know our hearts will ache just like your's does but I have to believe that she will be much more happier in her new life. I'm sure you have a lot of beautiful memories of your mom. Use them to comfort you and pray to God to give you the strength you need to get through the day. My husband has been a blessing, he is truly a God's sent. Give your family a chance, they love you very much.
God bless and stay strong.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I am so sorry for your loss. Concentrate on the memories of the good times before things went south. You will cry and cry and cry - that is normal. I have had so many losses in my life and years later, I can still cry about them. This is part of life - we can't change what is and will be but thinking of the wonderful memories sometimes eases the pain. After all, you were blessed with having good memories - some of of us don't have that luck. Time heals many things and you are so blessed to have family members to be loved by and love. I am all alone and would give anything for that - so cry, it eases the pain in the soul and eventually you will look back at the wonderful times with a smile.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Be aware that your old life style is drastically changed too - you may find yourself starting to go do a regular action for her many times a day - your daily rhythm has to reset itself to 'the new norm' - 2 weeks is too short of a time to have gone through all the stages of grief -

You probably are the person whose life has changed to most because you were both full time caretaker & loving daughter - it is now the time of your re-adjustment & it will take a while -

It might help to take up a hobby or volunteer to slot in some of your time so that you still feel you are accomplishing something a few days a week [not that keeping a household going isn't doing something] like volunteering at a school, pick up your knitting, join a gym etc
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
As many have said-it takes time. Give yourself the time. Know that things will get better, but don't think that it will happen by a certain date. You may also experience a roller-coaster of emotions. Just when you think you maybe over the hump, the deep sadness-grief may return. The fog should subside in weeks-months. But then, fully adapting to your new life without your mother, may take a year or longer. Depends on many factors. Also know, unfortunately others may not be able to relate to your experience or how you are responding. That's when you may need to rely on a variety of friends, clergy, support groups. I wish you eventual peace within...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I too recently lost my Mom Oct 1, 2016. I still have not removed myself from this site because I feel if I can give just one person some words of comfort, it will help me in the grieving process. Loosing a loved one is hard. I highly suggest that you seek some bereavement counseling. You may want to try group classes first. I was able to take advantage of the free group sessions offered by the hospice center she was a patient of (Home hospice). Take care of yourself. My thought and prayers are with you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My mom died September 17, 2014 from injuries she sustained in her nursing home after just being admitted 18 days earlier. I still feel as though I am lost. Although I get up every day and do what is necessary it is like I am waiting for something, but what? We all need a purpose in our lives, something to live for, something to do. Everyone has mentioned grieving and I think they are right, I think it takes time and we have to now find a new path or project for our lives but I do think it takes time. I don't know if I have personally actually grieved yet. I am on medication for panic and anxiety so I think it has clouded that process. I hope all works out for you and you find yourself and your purpose to continue a full and happy life!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am losing my mom to Alzheimer's bit by bit and eventually I know I will lose her physically, so I am already grieving. I agree with everyone who has shared their feelings: give yourself time, and don't expect that you will EVER stop feeling this loss. Even people who have not had a positive relationship with their moms grieve when their mom dies. And why should you stop experiencing it as a loss? Why should we ever feel the need to stop missing the people we loved and have lost. The thing is you don't want grief to immobilize you and take over your life. Aside from that, just feel what you need to feel. Surround yourself with people who are okay giving quiet support and are willing to listen when you need to talk. Don't compare yourself to anyone elses grief timeline--your feelings are valid where they are. Dealing with my mom and knowing where it will eventually lead, really does make me appreciate my life, people in it and just everyday in general. Sometimes that is "the gift" we get from difficult situations: we learn to appreciate the everyday much more than we might.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Dear Dogmother,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished and beloved mother. I'm so sorry. Its a very difficult time. All your feelings and thoughts and natural after such a huge loss. I agree with a lot that has already been said. Continue to surround yourself with loving friends and family. Let the grieving process takes its course. Someone compared it to the ocean tied going in and out. And that is how I feel during my grief journey. And if you feel like it, write in a journal, create a memory box, visit your mom at the cemetery, create a ritual to remember her by. Talk to a counselor or seek out grief support group. Please take care of yourself the best you can. Thinking of you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Greetings. I completely understand where you are coming from. I was my parents' caregiver for more than 5 years. I lived with them. In September 2015, my mom went into a skilled nursing facility. Then in January 2016, my father went into the same skilled nursing facility. My mother passed away in March, and my dad passed away in September - only 5 months apart. Even though I was no longer caring for my parents full-time at home, I was still caring for them and visiting them every day while they were in the skilled nursing facility. When mom passed, I still had dad to take care of. When he passed in September...well, I felt lost. And, of course, I missed them greatly. My purpose each and everyday was to take care of their needs; now that was gone. It's only been 4 months since dad passed, and there are still those days when I wonder what I'm going to do today. I catch myself wanting to phone them or go visit them when I have some exciting news, or just to hear their voices. I see ads in the paper for my mom's favorite candy and begin to weep. Or I make my dad's favorite dinner and cry through the first 5 minutes of eating. I think one of the biggest helps in going through the grieving process is to be patient with yourself. It's your grieving process, and no one else's. Take one minute, one hour, one day at a time and breathe. Don't stop yourself from crying. Let it go. And, don't be surprised as to when it will hit. Some of the craziest times when you least expect it....but expect it. Get into a grief group. Have your support group - your family, friends, church group, etc - help you along the way. Talk about your mom. Many people don't know how to deal with people who just lost a loved one and don't know what to say to you. Talk about your mom. This will give them a chance to talk about her, too. And gives them a chance to grieve with you. Also, get yourself busy. Go visiting others. You have the opportunity to give out of your experience. We as caregivers have so much to offer if we just are willing to be used - even through our grief. Just know you are not alone in this. Blessings!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Dearest dogmother3: I am so sorry for your loss. There is no time limit for grief. Also, a support system of friends or church if you're a woman of God, can comfort you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Hi I am so sorry for your recent losses. When my mother died, I felt like this too. I found a lovely photo of my mother, and put it in a prominent place where I could see it every day. The photo was a comfort to me daily, especially in the early weeks.
I hope this helps, Arlene Hutcheon
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
My MIL died Dec 19th, after a sudden physical decline. She actually died from Alzheimer's disease and stopped eating and drinking totally about 4 days before she passed. Up until that time, she had the dementia symptoms and lost her ability to move around on her own. But she was still mentally present and did recognize bits and pieces of her life. She was content...until we had drama with hospice personnel and APS regarding her little dog that was her constant companion. We literally had to step over those people to honor her final wishes, to die a natural death in her own home, in the care of her family.
I now find myself angry, worn out, and I miss her. After 5 years, there is a void. But, even asa primary caregiver, backing up my husband financially and domestically, and being his helper for my MIL, I feel forgotten, neglected, and yes, even a bit USED. The family never thanked me directly, no sympathy cards, no flowers, no kind words. As usual, I am in the background, making things happen, keeping life sane...and I am feeling really resentful toward these people! I took on THEIR RESPONSIBILITY and all I want is a d*mn "thank you" and maybe a little concern for my well being. I guess it is too much to ask as the third wife...been with my husband, the oldest child, for 8 years now...married for 4. I'm not going anywhere and I would have to love my husband and really care for his mom to go through what I went through and stay. My adult children are astonished, to have witnessed the effort made and see the attitudes at the end. My daughter told me yesterday..."I don't think I could have done what you did, Mom. You are truly "ride or die" for him aren't you? He doesn't know what he has, even now".
So...looking for a counselor, because I recognize my husband is grieving the loss of his mother, and it is clear there is no emotional support from him or his family for my recovery. It leaves me questioning whether I wish to remain in this relationship or stay married. I find myself looking for a job transfer opportunity, too.
The urge to do SOMETHING ELSE with my life is strong...but I am numb, angry, and hurt...I feel ignored. I don't want
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter