Hi went shopping with mum today and shes spent a fortune on me buying me things she cant afford I accepted one or two things but the things i said we couldnt afford she went and bought them for me behind my back I am now sitting here with a pile of clothes and dont know whether to feel grateful OR scared?? She does buy me alot but I think its because she wants to make me stay and has thrown it my face when we row "after all ive done for you?"
Has anyone else experienced this form of blackmail I feel that she is begging for me to stay and look after her by buying me stuff?
I used to feel guilty but cant anymore because I never ask for anything im finding this heartbreaking like she feels she has to bribe to be looked after?
Dont know how you deal with this?
I would reassure her that although you appreciate the gifts, you want to spend quality time with her and you want to do that unconditionally, not in exchange for gifts. Explain to her your time constraints and then give her a schedule of when you will come by, visit, etc.
Always return these things and make sure her account is credited especially if she can't afford. You might want to consider if she has dementia or ALZ and doesn't understand her purchases or debt....if that is the case, you probably need to help her understand this and/or take precautions that she doesn't overdraw on her accounts.
I know your feeling guilty and feel the pressure of the bribe -- but don't let her guilt you and just reassure her by telling her your time constraints and make sure you visit often and call her in between visits or every morning or evening -- whatever works for both of you.
Also, consider if she is lonely, if there are others (neighbors, friends, other children) who can visit regularly or offer companionship, outings between your visits. Maybe get her involved in senior center activities. Check her local area for the nearest senior center, her church or other that might provide visiting or companion services.
dementia people do things that don't make sense in many contexts...it's the nature of the disease.
YOU trying to figure out HER motivations or reasoning doesn't generally turn out to be productive.
You have to go along with what they do as best you can, make neutral statements so as not to aggravate, and correct things in the background when she's not looking. Too much odd behavior on her part should be telling you the time is coming where she won't be able to be left alone.
I agree with the above: thank her for the gifts but assure her you don't need the gifts to make you love her. By the same token, tell her that these gifts can't change the reality of your life and schedule; that you will be with her whenever you can but the gifts don't change the amount of time you have away from other responsibilities.
See All Answers