Hi went shopping with mum today and shes spent a fortune on me buying me things she cant afford I accepted one or two things but the things i said we couldnt afford she went and bought them for me behind my back I am now sitting here with a pile of clothes and dont know whether to feel grateful OR scared?? She does buy me alot but I think its because she wants to make me stay and has thrown it my face when we row "after all ive done for you?"
Has anyone else experienced this form of blackmail I feel that she is begging for me to stay and look after her by buying me stuff?
I used to feel guilty but cant anymore because I never ask for anything im finding this heartbreaking like she feels she has to bribe to be looked after?
Dont know how you deal with this?
My Mum is quite well-to-do, and I grew up that way. Dad's dead, and Mums has this great big house full of treasures. The earliest memory I have of "Do what II say, or I'll take you out of the will", I was five. She's been pulling my strings with that one ever since, but in the last years it has gotten really bad, culminating in last June.
I'm 50, and a widow for ten years. I had to come back to this gilded Hell hole after my husband died to care for insane father and nearly-blind mum. Not quite four years ago, I met a man I thought I could love. We had an on-going close relationship, and Mums decided I should marry him, but first live with him. I don't like to do that, and his home was 3000 miles away in a different country. I kept making excuses, and then she broke her hip, so I had to stay. Still, I was getting *major* pressure from both sides to go live with this man. She finally picked a fight out of nowhere, and told me to GET OUT or she'd call the police, even though I was her sole caregiver. She told me it "was for my own good."
Unable to hide his true self in that proximity, it turned out he was a serious emotional abuser, and a narcissist. In no time he had me walkng on eggshells, doubting myself, and feeling like dust. My visa ran out, and back I came. I told her all about it, but she kept making excuses for him, she never thought I had any sense, and he had her convinced he was God's gift. I wouldn't leave and wouldn't leave, for 8 months. Then it came again, "Get Out." So back I went. Pretty soon the abuse started up again.
And then came the point of the story, sorry it took so long. She wasn't happy with that, she wanted a wedding. Ooo noooo biiiiig mistake! I wouldn't budge. And then : "I am remaking my will on 2 June. If you aren't married, you aren't in it." This crazy loser she wanted me to marry was out of a job, and I knew I would need the house to live on - not in. I married him last June, and 6 hours after the ceremony, he was giving me Holy Hell before my evening purse hit the bed. Then she broke the other hip. So now I'm here, he's there, and we aren't speaking.
The point of all of this was this : She's been holding that damned will over my head my whole life. Now she's gone too far, and got me married to a very, very hateful man who doesn't seem to be at all interested in me anymore. THAT is just about the ultimate interference. So don't let this happen to you. Thank you for listening. I thought that's where you were leading with your question. I'm sure some of these folks can help you with your dilemma. Best of luck. {{ Hugs }}
Mom's do like buying things for their daughters though, so let her buy you one or two small things when your out if it makes her feel good. It's one thing she can control in a world where so much control has been taken from her, sadly.
I agree with the above: thank her for the gifts but assure her you don't need the gifts to make you love her. By the same token, tell her that these gifts can't change the reality of your life and schedule; that you will be with her whenever you can but the gifts don't change the amount of time you have away from other responsibilities.
dementia people do things that don't make sense in many contexts...it's the nature of the disease.
YOU trying to figure out HER motivations or reasoning doesn't generally turn out to be productive.
You have to go along with what they do as best you can, make neutral statements so as not to aggravate, and correct things in the background when she's not looking. Too much odd behavior on her part should be telling you the time is coming where she won't be able to be left alone.
I would reassure her that although you appreciate the gifts, you want to spend quality time with her and you want to do that unconditionally, not in exchange for gifts. Explain to her your time constraints and then give her a schedule of when you will come by, visit, etc.
Always return these things and make sure her account is credited especially if she can't afford. You might want to consider if she has dementia or ALZ and doesn't understand her purchases or debt....if that is the case, you probably need to help her understand this and/or take precautions that she doesn't overdraw on her accounts.
I know your feeling guilty and feel the pressure of the bribe -- but don't let her guilt you and just reassure her by telling her your time constraints and make sure you visit often and call her in between visits or every morning or evening -- whatever works for both of you.
Also, consider if she is lonely, if there are others (neighbors, friends, other children) who can visit regularly or offer companionship, outings between your visits. Maybe get her involved in senior center activities. Check her local area for the nearest senior center, her church or other that might provide visiting or companion services.