My husband lives with his parents and takes care of them. His mom has Alzheimer's. She hasn't left the house in 8 months and he couldn't get her out for a doctor's appointment (which I recommended he make, because his mom's condition is getting worse, including falling down and hitting her head, swallowing difficulties, and other things). Mainly, I'm curious what, if anything, has worked for other people. If I suggest anything to my husband, he says I'm being judgmental.
This is a common problem, and perhaps there are some good ideas out there. Many people have certainly dealt with this.
When my mother lived alone I would sometimes show up to take her to a doctor appointment and find her in pajamas. "I'm just too tired to go," she'd say. "Well, you can be tired at the doctor's office just as well as here. Do you want to wear this red shirt or this white one?" and I'd just bossily get her dressed and out of there. Later she lived with my sister, who was usually able to get her to a doctor, but often had struggles about other places, even places Mother loved, like the beauty shop.
Now Mom is in a nursing home, and she absolutely loves that she can get her hair done every week without leaving the building. Even the few times she has had to go elsewhere for medical care they wheeled her chair right onto the van. She never has to struggle into and out of a car. That can be difficult and apparently disorienting.
Does your father-in-law encourage his wife to go to appointments? Is he a help or a hindrance?
I agree with the need for MIL to be seen by medical professionals. I hope your husband can make that happen for her.
I have done a POA for myself and my husband is not my agent. I figured out a long time ago that he is not someone who will make decisions unless he is forced to by someone else. In the case of my MIL, I don't want to push too hard; even my "oh, have you thought about doing this" comments are received as judgmental.
I'm not at all sure that I understand what he means when he says you're being judgmental. Does he think you're suggesting that he's not doing right by her? Ask him how you can help, if not by offering suggestions for how to get her better care.
And get him to a therapist when you can.
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